At
least twelve thousand years ago the Transformers did fight,
their epic battle caused the All
Spark to go out of sight,
Megatron couldn't Let It Go and
got himself Frozen,
he was found by Captain Witwicky
who became the chosen,
the Decepticons searched for the
good Captain's knowledge,
hacking their way around the
world and causing much carnage,
they traced it to his
great-great-grandson Sam Witwicky,
who was unknowingly under the
protection of the mute Bumblebee,
Sam had problems of his own as
he longed for the fair Mikaela's hand,
for she was prettiest in the
land and her boobies were quite tanned,
Optimus Prime showed up to
become the ultimate wingman,
revealing only Sam could save
the world and stop the giant iceman,
a bunch of horribly stupid
comedy and other bullshit did ensue,
including an appearance from
John Turturro whom I fear has gone cuckoo,
finally young Samuel embraced
his destiny and saved the day,
and now I am somewhat dumber all
thanks to Michael Bay.
Transformers
was a bit of a mess, wasn't it? 2009's Revenge Of The Fallen
unfortunately brings back all the key creative minds behind the first
one, so already there's a dark ominous cloud over this thing. To make
matters worse, Ehren Kruger was brought in as a third script writer
because of his “vast knowledge” of all things Transformers.
Kruger is responsible for writing the ATROCIOUS Ben Affleck movie
Reindeer Games and the SINGLE MOST DISAPPOINTING movie I've
ever seen in a theater not called the Phantom Menace,, the Brothers Grimm. DAMMIT
Terry Gilliam, WTF happened here?!?
Anyway, let's dive on in
because the water sure as hell ain't getting any warmer. A Ghoul
Versus Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen!
The film begins
with Optimus Prime NARRATING over shots of tribesman exploring in the
year 17,000 B.C. I swear to all that is holy, the next film series I
do better not open with narration or am I going to freaking lose it.
They discover a giant ship filled with Tribal looking Transformers as
we cut to present day in Shanghai, China. Okay, THAT was a pointless
opening. What's the over/under on China being presented as positively
as humanly possible to the point where it's just nonstop
pandering?
There's apparently
been a toxic waste spill at a local factory as we see the Pentagon
monitoring the situation closely from a building called NEST Command.
An Autobot in the form of an ice cream truck drives along the
factory- correction,
an Autobot in the form of a CLASSY ice cream truck because Michael
Bay is all about the maturity- as it says “DECEPTICONS SUCK MY
POPSICLE” on the side.
Optimus tells us
new Autobots have arrived on Earth and formed an alliance with the
humans to take out Decepticons, working together in a secret squad
called NEST (the Non-biological Extraterrestrial Species Treaty),
which also includes American soldiers Lennox and Epps from the first
movie. The toxic spill is
just a cover story, as NEST has tracked a Decepticon that's hiding
inside the factory. Joke's on them though, it's actually a gigantic
machine outside the factory that starts jacking everyone up. I'd talk
about how I can't even tell what the Decepticon is supposed to be,
but that's just redundant at this point.
They detect
another Decepticon nearby, dispatching... ARCEE to take him down?!
Holy shit they actually put Arcee in this thing and she's not overly
sexualized?!? She takes the form of three motorcycles with
holographic riders that all look like Megan Fox, because this is
Transformers
and all females must look like Megan Fox.
The ice cream
truck joins Arcee in the pursuit of the Decepticon as we FINALLY get
a real Michael Bay chase scene in a Transformers movie: loud,
fast, and as smashy as possible. The ice cream truck is revealed to
be TWO Autobots in one, Sirs Skids and Mudflap, whom I'm sure we'll
be talking about in great detail later. An Autobot named Sideswipe
gets involved, slicing the Decepticon in half with a blade in a shot
that is every bit as awesome as it sounds. Bay thankfully slowed down
the footage so we could actually tell what was happening for this
part, so kudos all around to this entire scene.
We go back to the
first Decepticon, a titan named Demolisher, trying to escape the city
despite the fact he's about as BIG as a city. Optimus shows up to
show these rookies how it's done, and it is WONDERFUL! There's still
the problem or being able to tell where the robots begin and end, but
it's done wide angle and with very few jump cuts so we can follow all
of this. We haven't even passed the ten minute mark and the film is
LITERALLY better than all the action scenes from the first movie
COMBINED. Optimus takes down
Demolisher, asking if he has any last words. The Decepticon warns
that “the Fallen” shall rise again and then Optimus FUCKING
EXECUTES HIM WITH A HEADSHOT. And just like that, everything goes
wrong.
Something I didn't
talk about in the first movie was all the killing, probably because I
was so bored by Sam's parents and the hackers subplot that I was
starving for any kind of activity that I didn't even notice what was
actually going on. Killing is NOT the way of the Autobots, they were
heroes who always found a better way. Yes I know it was a half hour
commercial disguised as a cartoon and they would NEVER kill anyone
off because that would harm sales of that toy, but it was also a
SMARTLY written cartoon that became bigger than its premise and grew
into an actual story that is still beloved decades later.
But not anymore,
we are now in the Dark Age of cinema where every hero is a grim and
gritty ANTI-hero who kills at the drop of a hat lest they suffer the
minor inconvenience of having to deal with their antagonist in any
kind of intellectual way. It's very disheartening to me to see a
movie that IN THEORY is for kids featuring our heroes brutally
killing right and left, even worse in extremely graphic detail
because they're “only robots”. It's easy to call out the pee and
sex jokes in these movies, but the REAL immaturity comes from scenes
exactly like this. “Optimus Prime isn't acting like a real hero at
all, but BRO DID YOU SEE THAT EXPLOSION?!”.
Right, so back to
the movie where we see Sam Witwicky moving out of his house to head
to college. His... parents are present and getting screen time.
His... parents are present. HIS FUCKING PARENTS ARE STILL IN THE
SERIES?! That is just fantastic, juuuuuust fantastic. Sam's mom cries
over her son leaving, her Godawful performance SO BAD that it makes
her role in the first movie almost look good. Almost.
Sam's dad starts
to give a heartfelt speech about how proud he is of his son going to
college, BUT Bay can't have any kind of real emotion in this film so
he cuts to two dogs fucking on the couch. FUCKING DEFEND THIS TO ME
TRANSFORMERS FANS, I DARE YOU! “Oh, two dogs having sex is funny!”.
Yeah, if you're five years old. Actually, I apologize as that is
actually insulting to five year olds. Let's keep the Bay-isms going.
What's Mikaela up to these days? Ah there she is, hanging out in her
father's mechanic shop in the shortest shorts possible.
How progressive of
her. Once again I must compliment Bay for his restraint here, because
he literally didn't shove the camera up her ass. This is his greatest
movie ever so far! Mikaela calls Sam as we learn they're still dating
despite having the chemistry of... well, any romantically involved
couple from a Michael Bay movie.
Sam goes through
his clothes, as he kept his outfit from the first movie. A shard of
the All Spark falls out, zapping his brain and causing him to drop it
on the floor. It burns through the floor and falls into the kitchen,
where it makes all the appliances come to life. Chaos starts breaking
out, but not before Bay cuts to a shot of the dogs fucking AGAIN
because that is so insanely crucial to this movie.
The kitchen robots
start attacking the Witwickys, but unfortunately don't kill Sam's
parents because Bumblebee shows up to save the day. I guess I have to
be content with Sam's mom running into a hanging flower pot and
knocking herself out, because physical comedy ripped off from every
Adam Sandler and Kevin James movie ever is FUCKING HILARIOUS.
I'm honestly not
sure what happens next. I can only assume Sam is pissed off at
Bumblebee for saving the lives of his parents, so he angrily yells at
him to go away. Oh, Bumblebee can't talk anymore either for some
reason. Sam finds the shard in the kitchen and gives it to Mikaela
for safe keeping instead of Bumblebee... what is going on right now?!
I am so lost. This is all cut with scenes of Sam's mom and her WACKY
ANTICS which are so funny and profound I can barely breathe. She also
says “shit” a lot because KIDS LOVE PROFANITY!
Bumblebee goes
into the garage to sulk because Sam yelled at him FOR NO REASON
WHATSOEVER, Sam following him in while Mikaela hangs outside and...
starts taking her clothes off. Why
even bother trying to pretend this is a movie, Bay? Why not just show
two hours of this?
Sam tries to tell
Bumblebee it's time for him to go back to Optimus, but Bumblebee just
makes sad puppy dog eyes and then starts CRYING. Like, literally.
Mikaela is waiting outside for Sam, having stripped down to a white
summer dress as his going away present because skintight leather
isn't good enough for her man. We are then treated to a HIGHLY
INNOVATIVE scene where Sam can't tell her that he loves her because
the dreaded “L-word” is just impossible to say for a man in a
movie.
That's not even
what REALLY annoys me about this scene though, rather Bay thought it
would be awesome to spin the camera around the actors the entire time
while throwing every lens flare he could find into the shot. If
you've been reading my previous
reviews then you know how much I
freaking love lens flares Also,
you can totally see the shadow of a camera on Sam's shirt. It is
really shocking how sloppy these movies are for a Michael Bay
production, and I'm being completely serious about that.
Mikaela puts back
on her leather suit and gets ready to leave, secretly being monitored
by a tiny Decepticon named Wheelie- wait, they made Wheelie a
Decepticon? Wheelie was an annoyingly cute Autobot from the original
series who actually inspired my little Transformers rhyme at the
beginning of this review. Now he's a bad guy?
Evil Wheelie
relays the fact that Mikaela's carrying the Shard of the All Spark
via transmission to a satellite in outer space. That satellite?
MOTHERFUCKING SOUNDWAVE! That design choice I'm totally okay with,
it's logical and is a great modern update for such an awesome
character. They even got his original voice actor, the legendary
Frank Welker, to provide his kick ass voice. They did slightly botch
this though, as in the cartoon Welker used a vocoder (a voice
modulator) to make his voice sound hollow and metallic. The movie
chose not to do that, so he sounds EXACTLY like Dr. Claw from
Inspector Gadget. Whatever though, still awesome.
We go to the NEST
base, where our heroes return after their adventure in China. Skids
and Mudflap get to upgrade their form from a shared ice cream truck
to individual Chevrolet concept cars. Still too early to talk about
them, but they sure like using their “street” lingo to such an
extreme it makes Jazz from the first film look dignified and
understated.
Director Theodore
Galloway, the President's adviser on matters of National Security
arrives and he is ticked over the handling of the Shanghai mission.
Lennox gives his report to his higher ups via satellite feed, which
we see Soundwave up in space hack into and monitor. Optimus goes to
add his two cents, as we see Epps and Galloway look at the Autobot in
awe. Epps wonders if God made man in His image, then who made
Optimus? Um, the All Spark. Weren't you paying attention the first
movie? I mean, I can COMPLETELY understand if you weren't, but
still... you did co-star in it.
Optimus expresses
his concern over “the Fallen”, having no idea what it is as all
recorded history of their race was sealed in the All Spark, which is
probably one of the stupidest lines I've EVER heard in a movie.
They're freaking ROBOTS with mechanical brains! They seriously didn't
upload their history into their own memory banks, but instead kept it
in a gigantic metallic cube?
This is Galloway's
cue to butt in, as naturally he's the Asshole Government Official Who
Doesn't Trust The Strangers Cos They Ain't 'Murican! You KNOW he's a
complete fucking monster because he has the audacity to TALK DOWN to
the soldiers who stick up for the Autobots, which is an ABSOLUTE
no-no in a Bay movie. Galloway goes on to talk about the location of
Megatron and the piece of the All Spark Optimus saved at the end of
the first movie, which is rather welcome information to Soundwave.
Good thing Galloway loves his exposition, or we wouldn't have had a
movie!
That was WAY too
much Transformers though, lest we think this is actually a
Transformers movie so we better see what Sam's parents are
doing! They're dropping Sam off at his college and still getting
lines, THANK CHRIST!
Sam meets his
roommate Leo, who is a tech geek and is 110% annoying with his “hip
and cool” way of talking. He runs a website with two of his friends
devoted to exposing the truth about the Transformers because OF
COURSE Sam would get paired with someone like that. Leo tells Sam not
to “suck the ball sack” of the media and goddamn the list of
people I hope die horribly in this movie is getting long. Leo also
expresses hatred for his online rival “Robo-Warrior”, who is also
in the business of trying to expose the robots to the world.
Oh, and speaking
of people I hope get chainsaws rammed up their asses while being
force fed acid, here's Sam's parents again! Sam's mom bought some pot
brownies from a guy outside, and she's too stupid to know what that
means as she devours them. Oh ho buckle down folks, this is gonna get
SILLY!
She goes outside
and starts telling everyone about her son, including how she
overheard him when he LOST HIS VIRGINITY. ZOMG that is like so totes
embarrassing for Sam... and EVERYONE that paid actual money to watch
this. She's not done though, she crashes a nearby Frisbee game and
TACKLES one of the guys cos that's what you do when you're high. I
just want you to know if you think Sam's mom is funny, I am INSTANTLY
judging you and looking down on you. And I don't even KNOW you.
Soundwave
dispatches his ally Ravage to Earth, where he breaks into the base
where the Shard is being held. He pukes a bunch of silver ball
bearings down a vent, which transform into hundreds of ultra tiny
Decepticons which then transform into a flying insectoid like
Transformer. Huh... if the Decepticons have such intricate technology
why did they EVER have a problem getting into America's data network
in the first movie? The insect easily steals the Shard and escapes
topside with Ravage.
Well, I say escape
but that's overselling it. He EMERGES topside where Ravage is
waiting, as they break out into a fire fight with the soldiers
guarding the base. However this is boring, so the film cuts to Sam
and his new friends going to a frat party.
Sam says he can't
stay very long as he has a “web cam date” with Mikaela, and I
want to point out something else that's really annoying in this
movie. The first time we see Mikaela's ass and then Mikaela herself
the film plays Green Day's “21 Guns”
in the background. When Sam first enters his dorm, “21
Guns” is playing. When we see
Mikaela sitting in front of her laptop waiting for Sam to call, “21
Guns” is playing. Did all of the
movie's soundtrack budget get co-opted to pay more writers to write
Sam's mom's HILAROUS scenes, or did Green Day fucking sponsor this
movie or something?
Gosh, I sure hope
Sam doesn't get caught up partying and forgets to call her cos that
would totes hurt her feelings and make her sad! Shockingly, instead
of partying Sam starts seeing Transformer symbols in the air and
starts drawing them in a trance. A hot blonde woman the movie has
gone out of its way to point out to us asks if he's okay, breaking
his spell. She then proceeds to give him a lap dance because this is
a Michael Bay movie and that's how ALL women act, right?
The fun is broken
by a guy screaming there's a yellow Camaro out on the front lawn, Sam
running out to find Bumblebee parked with his alarms going off. The
resident Frat Douchebags come out to harass him, as freshmen aren't
allowed to own cars in this school. Is that a thing? I'm not going to
look it up because every second I spend researching something is
another second longer I have to deal with this movie. This leads to a
BIZARRE exchange where Sam says the car belongs to a friend who left
to find the Frat Douchebag's a “tighter shirt”. One replies
“There isn't a tighter shirt! We checked.” and then fist bumps
one of his bros. What?
Sam gets in his
car to drive off, the blonde hopping in too because she “loves
Camaros”. This does lead to an ACTUAL funny bit where Bumblebee
starts playing songs about the woman such as “Your Cheatin'
Heart” and Rick James's “Superfreak”. Bumblebee then
smashes her head into the dashboard and sprays her with antifreeze,
which finally prompts her to get out of the car and storm off.
Bumblebee takes
Sam to a... graveyard where he meets with Optimus, who tells Sam the
news about the stolen Shard. Optimus asks him to go to the government
and convince them the Autobots can be trusted, because if there's one
thing the government does is listen to teenagers! Sam isn't receptive
to this idea, because all he wants is a normal life and really wants
nothing to do with the Transformers anymore. Because what teenager
would want anything to do with a bunch of giant ass kicking robots?
This is also
another GIANT misstep the movie makes. This scene, combined with the
way Sam was treating Bumblebee earlier, really really REALLY makes
him look like a complete asshole. The first film did, with what even
I'll admit in a very convincing fashion, establish how much Sam cared
about the Transformers. Now he's just bored and dismissive of them? I
suppose you could make the case he's just a shallow teen who doesn't
realize how important friends are yet, but that's giving this script
WAY too much credit.
The Decepticons
journey to Megatron's resting place in the Laurentian Abyss, where
they use the Shard to bring their leader back to life. This part is
stupid because five Decepticons go into the trench, killing one of
their own and using his parts to help restore Megatron. On the
impossible chance you're Michael Bay reading this, that means there's
FOUR Decepticons left PLUS Megatron which equals FIVE. But then the
next shot SIX Decepticons are tracked by the military coming out of
the water. OOPS!
Megatron emerges from the ocean and flies into outer space, landing on the Decepticon base which is located on one of Saturn's moons. We see their base is the same ship from the very beginning of the movie. He finds Starscream there, immediately ripping into the jet Decepticon for leaving him to die on Earth. At least the film got the Megatron/Starscream rivalry from the cartoon in here, which might be the only thing they carried over besides names and a few of the forms.
Starscream says he
left to build a new army as commanded by the Fallen. Wait, Megatron
isn't in charge of this whole thing? Guess not, as we see him
answering to the one of the Tribal looking robots that we also saw in
the beginning about his failure to secure the All Spark. The Fallen
tells Megatron the All Spark's knowledge has not been lost, but
instead has been absorbed by Sam. They better reveal the Fallen is
somehow bound to the cube or this latest bout of Transformers knowing
shit they possibly COULDN'T know is really going to piss me off. I
can't get too angry though, because the Fallen is voiced by one of
the all time favourite actors of A
Ghoul Versus, Mr. Tony Todd!
Achievement
Unlocked: played the Big Bad in one of the biggest summer
blockbusters of all time!
The Fallen must
LOVE the sound of his own voice, because he begins telling Megatron
things he would already know. Good thing we're around to here it at least,
or we wouldn't know his master plan! The Fallen longs to return to
Earth where he was betrayed by the rest of his brothers, called the
Primes. He also helpfully adds ONLY a Prime can defeat him, which
seems like WAY too much information but I'm guessing they're setting
this up so Starscream can betray Megatron to the Autobots with this
crucial weakness.
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