A Ghoul Versus Star Trek: Into Darkness (Part 2)

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To set up a drinking game for this movie, Shippus Interuptus happens AGAIN as Sulu hails Kirk with news a ship is approaching them fast. Kirk worries it's the Klingons, but Khan tells him he knows EXACTLY who it is. Kirk runs to the bridge in time to witness the Star Destroyer from Star Wars arrive- oh wait, my bad. It's the most ominous looking Federation ship in the history of ever, made of dark metal and probably the size of a small moon.

Admiral Marcus hails Kirk, dropping all pretense at being friendly the instant Kirk calls Khan by name. Marcus asks for Khan back, Kirk agreeing but it's all a front. After Marcus ends the call, Kirk orders the ship to warp to Earth against Chekov's advice, as the ship's core is still unstable from the leak. They take off anyway, Marcus able to follow them in his advanced prototype ship. Carol runs to the bridge and begs Kirk to let her talk to her father, as he won't destroy the Enterprise with her on board. This comes on the heels of Marcus opening fire on the Enterprise, blasting holes into it and sucking dozens of the crew into space to their death.

A Ghoul Versus Star Trek: Into Darkness (Part 1)

Previously on Star Trek...

JJ Abrams, Alex Kurtzman, and Roberto Orci helmed one of the best reboots in recent times and made Star Trek relevant again in the process. Five year later it still boggles my mind how spot on they nailed almost everything, making the new series an alternate reality that's free to tell its own stories without pissing off millions of hardcore fans. If they don't like it, no worries, they can just ignore it because it's not part of the decades long continuity. Game, set, match.

Enter Into Darkness. Right off the bat, the series continued Abrams' home run streak as he signed the RABIDLY beloved Benedict Cumberbatch to play the film's main villain. Most of the movie's details were kept in secret as it sailed towards its release date of May 16, 2013, although it was painfully obvious to long term fans it was going to be a retelling of the also rabidly beloved Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

And then the movie came out. Critically and financially it was a success, scoring an 87% on Rotten Tomatoes and grossing nearly half a billion dollars on its way to become the highest grossing Star Trek movie of all time. However, among hardcore fans and Trekkies it became a movie that split the fan base. Although split may be the wrong term, as it seems to have gained far more negative reactions than positive ones. Being the Spoiler-Phobe that I am I've never read WHY so many fans didn't like this movie, but I can certainly understand why they don't like Roberto Orci.

A Ghoul Versus Star Trek (2009) Part 2

Click here for Part 1!

Upon learning his home world only has minutes to live, Spock transports to the surface to save the Vulcan High Council and his parents. The movie's even one step ahead of me by stating they are too far underground for the ship's teleporters to grab them. Point, Star Trek. Nero orders the drill retracted, which causes Sulu to fall off it and go plummeting towards the surface. Kirk dives off after him to catch him, screaming into his com for the Enterprise to beam them up. Since they're free falling at speeds I can't even begin to imagine, the cadet manning the transporter is unable to lock onto them but luckily Whiz Kid Chekov has the brains to figure out how to save them.

Just as soon as they materialize onto the ship, Spock kicks them off the teleporter pad so he can go down to the surface. He runs into the caverns where the High Council is, and I just want to stop and say something about this movie that it gets NOWHERE near enough credit for: how REAL it feels. Almost every single scene is shot on an actual SET, and not a stupid green screen. This injects so much atmosphere into the movie it's almost ridiculous. Disney could NOT have chose a better director for the upcoming seventh Star Wars movie.

A Ghoul Versus Star Trek (2009) Part 1

"Boldly go where no one has gone before... for the first time."

The original Star Trek series is everything that is RIGHT with science fiction. You can deride it for its laughably bad special effects and questionable acting (if you're a soulless killjoy), but you can't deny its heart was literally in the most perfect place ever: a future where the human race has set aside all of its differences and united in the cause of making the universe a better place. Sure, it had its flaws such as gender wise it wasn't as progressive as it could have been with the majority of the women wearing micro skirts and being relegated to support roles, but it was still head and shoulders above anything else at the time.

It was by far my favourite show as a kid and fostered my lifelong long for sci-fi, a love that only grew as I got older and began to appreciate the deeper themes and social allusions of the show. Case in point: I PROUDLY identify myself as a TREKKIE and know wayyyyyy more about the show than I should admit in casual company.

Naturally when I learned Paramount was rebooting the franchise I was scared because I didn't want to see one of my most beloved works of fiction given the Godawful treatment so many other classic franchises have received. This fear escalated to sheer terror when I heard they were putting this huge responsibility in the hands of director J.J. Abrams, a man who had just burned me with a little show called LOST. And yes, I know he had almost nothing to do with the later seasons but at the time it was impossible to see his name and not get filled with dread.

A Ghoul Versus The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

Meanwhile, Harry strolls right into Ravencroft because I guess being fired from Oscorp has no effect on his security clearance on any of the other buildings they control. To their credit one guard does try to stop him, but Harry just kicks his ass and knocks him out with his own taser. He sneaks into Max's cell, making a deal with him: he'll free him in exchange for Max getting him into Oscorp.

Security rushes into the room, starting to drag Harry away when Max transforms into pure electricity and kills all of them. He shifts back into his physical body, somehow also forming shorts and a small power meter on the side of his head. Don't... don't ask. Don't expect ANYTHING to make any sense in this movie anymore.  Exiting the subway, Peter receives a voice mail from Gwen that she got accepted to Oxford and is leaving for England right away. Harry and Max kill their way into Oscorp tower, Max now able to form an entire bodysuit out of electricity. I don't think Kurtzman and Orci know how electricity works, I'm just saying.

A Ghoul Versus The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (Part 1)

Previously on The Amazing Spider-Man...

One of the most underwhelming Spider-Man origin stories EVER was unleashed upon the world, as the entire film went through the motions of the story without really putting work into any of it. No, that's not quite accurate as they put a lot of work into making his origin as overly complex as possible. He wasn't just bitten by a radioactive spider, now it's a genetically engineered spider his dad helped create as part of a human/animal cross-genetics program and you know what, I don't even care. It was WEAKSAUCE.

It wasn't all bad though, as it at least had some very good acting and a very strong female lead that wasn't just some generic badass like we usually get in these kind of movies. Writer James Vanderbilt kept his past tendencies in check and delivered a pretty coherent tale outside of how Peter got his powers, which was a very nice breath of fresh air.

HOWEVER, in this day and age of bloated films was ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE to Fox. They let Vanderbilt write the sequel but his script must have been too simple so they brought in Hollywood's Golden Boys Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci to rewrite it and make it up to par for today's Hollywood.  You remember them, don't you? With them behind the helm, this ought to be interesting.  And by interesting I mean painful.  Fire up some Hans Zimmer dubstep (!) and get ready for A Ghoul Versus The Amazing Spider-Man 2!

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Part 3)

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Sam asks why they're in Egypt, Jetfire telling him because his ancestors traveled to Earth “millennia ago” to search for Energon. This was like 19,000 some years ago which would make this BEFORE the All Spark was lost in space. The All Spark just creates life, it doesn't nourish it? In the first film what was Megatron planning to do when his new army was going to need energy? Also in this film we see the Decepticons are growing new ones without the All Spark, so why did they even NEED it in the first place?

And what about the Primes? Were they all Decepticons? That can't be, because Optimus is a Prime. How does one become a Prime then? Are you created one or is it something you have to upgrade to? WHAT EXACTLY IS A PRIME?! How come nothing in this movie makes any sense when you stop to think about it?  Jetfire begins to go off on another tangent about nothing, Simmons interrupting him with what is probably the most unintentionally profound line of the ENTIRE franchise:

“Beginning, middle, end. Facts. Details. Condense. Plot. Tell it.”

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

The film also sets up ANOTHER subplot about the Decepticons trying to grow one of the Fetus Farms from the Matrix on their base, but don't have enough energy supplies to feed the hatchlings so they keep dying. They're... they're GROWING robots? Metal can actually grow and mature now?

Back on Earth, Sam attends an astronomy class which is presided over by Rainn Wilson in a horribly distracting cameo. He spends most of his screen time flirting with his attractive female students, because THAT'S totally appropriate. But I guess it's okay, because the women are all very turned on by him. Michael Bay!

Sam goes into another trance, reading his entire book in seconds and going up to the front of the class to write spout off tons of bullshit techtalk. Professor Dwight tells Sam he will NOT be upstaged in front of the Dean of the school- hold on. The fucking Dean has been there the whole time while he was hitting on his students?! I thought Sam was going to college somewhere in Philadelphia, not Duke University.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Part 1)

Previously on Transformers...

At least twelve thousand years ago the Transformers did fight,

their epic battle caused the All Spark to go out of sight,

Megatron couldn't Let It Go and got himself Frozen,

he was found by Captain Witwicky who became the chosen,

the Decepticons searched for the good Captain's knowledge,

hacking their way around the world and causing much carnage,

they traced it to his great-great-grandson Sam Witwicky,

who was unknowingly under the protection of the mute Bumblebee,

Sam had problems of his own as he longed for the fair Mikaela's hand,

for she was prettiest in the land and her boobies were quite tanned,

Optimus Prime showed up to become the ultimate wingman,

revealing only Sam could save the world and stop the giant iceman,

a bunch of horribly stupid comedy and other bullshit did ensue,

including an appearance from John Turturro whom I fear has gone cuckoo,

finally young Samuel embraced his destiny and saved the day,

and now I am somewhat dumber all thanks to Michael Bay.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers (2007) Part 3

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The Decepticons attack the dam while Frenzy cuts the cryogenics keeping Megatron frozen. We see the Autobots driving towards the battle and I know I should be excited, but I can't help but notice there's still FORTY MINUTES of film left. I'm terrified Bay is going to try to make up with putting us to sleep with boring humans by putting us to sleep with a lethal overdose of action in the Big Dumb Ending we can all sense on the horizon.

Sector Seven releases Bumblebee, who goes to the Cube and shrinks it down to a more manageable handheld size just by touching it because THAT makes sense. Lennox makes a plan to have him move the Cube to a nearby city before Megatron thaws in an attempt to keep it as far away from the Decepticon as possible.  We get introduced to Big Bad minutes later, as he breaks free of his prison by transforming into a jet and flying outside where he runs into Starscream I THINK. The camera keeps cutting between their faces as they talk, and they look SO DAMN SIMILIAR for all I know Megatron is doing his best Smeagol/Gollum impersonation.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers (2007) Part 2

Click here for Part 1!

Sam starts running but Barricade SMASHES him into a nearby car in a blow that would have killed anyone else, but fortunately Sam had his Main Character Forcefield turned on. He runs some more, just happening to run into Mikaela who is riding her scooter in the area. For some reason he TACKLES HER hard to the ground... so she can also almost get killed by Barricade? Bumblebee, who was off grabbing a smoke during all of this I guess, pops back into frame so the two teenagers can get in and I smell a MICHAEL BAY CAR CHASE!

...or not, they turn into their robot forms and duke it out instead. The fact Michael Bay had the green light for a ridiculously overblown chase scene and PASSED is on my short ballot for “Most Shocking Moment In Movie History”. Their fight is (sing along with me!) totally incomprehensible to tell who begins where and who is hitting who, so let's catch up with Sam and Mikaela who are being chased by Frenzy.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers (2007) Part 1

“You are so defensive! Were you masturbating?”

Why does everyone hate Michael Bay so much? It's just jealousy, right? I mean, his films have made over SIX BILLION DOLLARS worldwide so that's way too popular to not hate on. But no, the Harry Potter films have made almost EIGHT BILLION and they don't get much hatedom...  I got it! It's because they're filled with mindless action full of car chases and explosions, that HAS to be the reason- Hmm, that can also describe the Fast and the Furious franchise and despite making almost three billion dollars I don't see that series brought up every time someone brings up the Death of Cinema...

Personally, I think it's because people feel betrayed by Michael Bay. He gets these ridiculously high budgets that most movies can only dream of, always gets the cream of the crop actors in Hollywood and then turns out something so completely forgettable, generic, and over the top (in the negative aspect of the term) that people walk away severely disappointed. It's happened time after time, and judging by reaction to his latest movie (Transformers: Age of Extinction) is STILL happening.