Sam starts running
but Barricade SMASHES him into a nearby car in a blow that would have
killed anyone else, but fortunately Sam had his Main Character
Forcefield turned on. He runs some more, just happening to run into
Mikaela who is riding her scooter in the area. For some reason he
TACKLES HER hard to the ground... so she can also almost get killed
by Barricade? Bumblebee, who was off grabbing a smoke during all of
this I guess, pops back into frame so the two teenagers can get in
and I smell a MICHAEL BAY CAR CHASE!
...or not, they
turn into their robot forms and duke it out instead. The fact Michael
Bay had the green light for a ridiculously overblown chase scene and
PASSED is on my short ballot for “Most Shocking Moment In Movie
History”. Their fight is (sing along with me!) totally
incomprehensible to tell who begins where and who is hitting who, so
let's catch up with Sam and Mikaela who are being chased by Frenzy.
Mikaela ISN'T a
damsel in distress however, as she grabs a nearby cutting saw
(they're in a construction yard now) and HACKS THE SHIT OUT OF
FRENZY! Awesome! Damn, a woman in a Michael Bay movie not a totally
helpless stereotype! That's TWO candidates for my “Most Shocking
Moment In Movie History” list in as many minutes!
Frenzy isn't quite
dead though, as his head grows little legs and he finds Mikaela's
dropped purse, transforming into her cell phone. The teens catch up
with Bumblebee, who has emerged victorious from the fight I'm
actually glad they didn't show. Bumblebee can't talk though, instead
only able to communicate through radio commercials. He turns back
into a car and the two hop in, Mikaela stopping to pick up her purse. They drive along,
Mikaela wondering out loud why if Bumblebee is a super advanced robot
does he turn into a “piece of crap Camaro”? Bumblebee comes to a
screeching halt and kicks the two out, driving off in a huff. Can a
robot be pissy? Oh
right, Darth Vader's droid set that precedent.
He's not driving
off though, he... I'm not exactly sure, this scene is so badly edited
it's hard to follow. I totally GET what happened, Bumblebee scanned
another car and took its form but the continuity was so out of whack
it's just confusing. Also, how fortunate for him a new version of his
car form just happened to be driving by! The teens get back in and
Bumblebee drives on, as the scene cuts to outer space where we see
four large circular objects hurtling towards Earth. They crash all
over the area, including one that crashes near a diner. This causes
all the patrons to run out to investigate, as one starts recording
the goings on with his camera and providing commentary.
“This is the
coolest thing I've ever seen! Explosions everywhere! This is EASILY a
hundred times cooler than Armageddon.
I swear to God!”
……
…
I guess I have to admire Michael Bay at this point. He's won, you know? He's the multi-millionaire sitting in his lavish mansion while I sit here and review a movie that made over $700 million dollars. He gets to wave his completely undeserved wealth and success in our faces, and pull shit like this all he wants and people will still throw millions at him. For God's sake, he even bribed his way into the once-meaningful Criterion Collection. Rhargh, this fucking movie. Let's keep going now, we still have almost AN HOUR AND A HALF LEFT. The orbs are, of course, more Autobots who find nearby vehicles to scan and gain a vehicle form. They rendezvous with our heroes, and that means it's time for a roll call.
-Optimus Prime,
sadly the only character to even REMOTELY keep his original form.
-Jazz and his
atrocious redesign... at least they got his cool shades in there.-Ironhide's design takes the crown for the worst.
-Ratchet tried his hardest to unseat Ironhide, but just couldn't quite pull it off. Also, he might actually be Bumblebee. I'm not totally sure.
Noticing how Jazz
talks like how Michael Bay thinks all Black people talk, Sam asks
what gives. Optimus replies they've learned Earth's languages through
the World Wide Web so get ready for more lame memes and catchphrases
than... well, this blog actually. Ratchet makes an
observation that Sam's pheromone level suggests he wants to mate with
Mikaela because FUCK EVERYTHING, JUVENILE HUMOUR! We learn Bumblebee
can't talk like the others because his “vocal processors” were
damaged in a previous battle, which has ALWAYS bugged the hell out of
me. I know so it's the can make him more “hip” by talking in only
prerecorded one liners, but come on... these super advanced robots
can't repair something THAT simple?
Mikaela FINALLY
asks why they're here, Optimus telling her it's so they can find the
All Spark before Megatron does. One hour four minutes in, and we have
a plot. Repeat, we have a plot! Out of everything, this is the film's
BIGGEST problem: it took them THAT long to setup what the hell was
going on. I appreciate that they were trying to establish Sam as an
actual character like a real movie would do, but A) Bay sucks at it
and B) he shouldn't be the bloody centerpiece of this damn thing!
Sam asks who
Megatron is, and I'm not doing a Calvin Johnson joke here so you're
welcome. Optimus plays a CGI flashback to show us how Megatron led
the Decepticons in a battle against the Autobots that ended up
destroying their homeworld of Cybertron and losing the All Spark into
outer space. Wait, the All Spark is the Cube mentioned in the opening
narration? Did... they forget they called it that? I guess I can't
blame them after all those epic scenes of Lennox, Epps, and Blonde
Megan Fox, but still... isn't that an editor's job to catch something
like that?
Megatron followed
the All Spark to Earth, crash landing and getting frozen in the
Arctic where he was found by Captain Witwicky. Witwicky
accidentally pressed a button on Megatron's frozen form that somehow
imprinted the coordinates of the Cube's location (and yes Optimus
switches between calling it the All Spark and the Cube several times
just to annoy me) on his glasses. Sam wonders how Optimus knew about
the glasses, the Autobot simply responding with “eBay”.
That's not really
an answer there, Optimus. HOW did the Autobots know... well, any of
this really? I've been holding off on the story because complaining
about plot holes in a Bay movie is like complaining about plot holes
in a porno, but now that it's central to the ENTIRE plot we need to
analyze this a bit. The Cube came to
Earth a long time ago, the Transformers somehow tracing it there.
Megatron got there first, but crashed in the Arctic and froze
himself. He was discovered by Captain Witwicky, who ends up getting
the location of the Cube embedded into his glasses in the process.
In a bit we'll
discover the United States government later finds Megatron and the
Cube, sealing them in a hidden location. The Decepticons somehow
learn the government has them, spending the first part of the movie
trying to uncover the exact location of their leader. They figure the
best way to do this is by being as loud and attention drawing as
possible, instead of using their ultra advanced alien technology in
any kind of clever manner. In these attempts they learn about the
Witwickys, which in turn leads them to discover the glasses.
The Autobots one
upped them though, as they magically not only knew about the glasses
but EXACTLY how they came to be created despite NO ONE having any
knowledge of this. Instead of all heading to Earth to get the glasses
from Sam, they send Bumblebee down while they... I don't know, work
on painting Optimus with some bitching flame graphics? They
are pretty bitching, I'll give them that. WAY more important than
trying to save the galaxy from Megatron!
Bumblebee is the
best choice for this situation, as he is TOTALLY UNABLE to explain
the situation to anyone since he can't talk. He tracks down Sam and
then proceeds to... do absolutely nothing to carry out the Autobots'
plan. Seriously, he wastes days upon days just dicking around and
never ONCE tries to explain the situation to Sam until much later
when it's too late to easily resolve things. That's our
protagonists and antagonists BOTH having knowledge relevant to the
plot that they couldn't possibly know, crafting plans based off this
impossible knowledge, and then carrying out these plans in the
DUMBEST AND MOST NONSENSICAL manner possible. That, my friends, is
Transformers summed up to a “T”.
Ratchet says
Megatron plans to use the All Spark to transform Earth's machines
into a new army, which also makes no sense. We're talking the 19th
century here, HOW did Megatron know anything about Earth at this
point since there was no World Wide Web? What made him think there'd
be machines there to transform? We're really entering the Phantom Menace territory
here where every sentence the characters say makes NO SENSE!
Even with the
gaping plot holes and shitty CGI designs, that was still quite the
introduction of our heroes. I don't care how bad the Transformers
look, it was still nice to see them get a great cinematic entrance.
Now that I'm actually back to paying attention to this thing, TIME
FOR MORE FILLER! Scenes follow of Lennox and his boys doing nothing,
Blonde Megan Fox and Anthony Anderson killing time, and Sam's
parents... oh ho ho, Sam's fucking parents.
Did I say the
worst thing about this movie was fact it took an entire hour to
actually get started? Well, it is but BLOODY HELL Sam's parents do
their best to take that crown. Their existence literally makes my
zombie brain hurt, as they get so much screen time devoted to their
OH SO HILARIOUS bickering and woefully failed attempts at comedy. I
just don't get it, how did ANYONE think they were funny or were
worthwhile of giving entire scenes to?
This part of the
movie is particularly egregious, because the story has just set up a
really major end of the world scenario complete with a ticking clock.
FUCK THAT THOUGH, let's shift the tone for some Godawful slapstick
comedy! See, everyone goes to Sam's house to get the glasses but his
dad brings everything to a screeching halt to devour the scenery and
chastise Sam for not doing his chores. The entire time, the gigantic
fucking Autobots are trying to sneak around his yard and stay hidden
with all the subtlety of a 3 Stooges movie. And
not a good one, but the freaking modern day remake.
The movie goes to
COMPLETE shit here, as the Autobots start accidentally trashing Sam's
backyard. Why are they even here? All Sam has to go is go in his
house and grab a pair of glasses. The heroic and dignified
Optimus accidentally steps on a fountain, quipping “Sorry, my bad!”.
Sam's dog comes out to get in on the hilarity, as he pisses on
Ironhide's foot. HA HA HAH! I bet Ironhide wasn't expecting THAT
lulz! Sam searches his
room for the glasses, Optimus lifting Mikaela through his window to
help look. Oh no though, Optimus stepped in Sam's mom's flower bed in
the process! Our legendary hero says “Oops!” and for the first
time in my life I think I understand the overused phrase “___________
ruined my childhood”.
Sam begs the
Autobots to GTFO of his backyard, doing his best Woody Allen
impersonation as he stammers through sentences and repeats words over
and over again. This is fucking HORRIBLE. Seriously, not even the
target audience of Call of Duty addicted 12 year old boys
could find anything funny in this scene. As the Autobots
“fall back”, Ratchet or Bumblebee clumsily walks into a power
line and ends up falling hard to the ground. This cuts all the power
in the neighbourhood, Sam's parents going to check on him because
they DESPERATELY need more screen time. Sam hides Mikaela so we can
get a half hour scene of him doing a back and forth with his parents
and KILL ME! KILL ME NOW!
Sam's mom asks if
he was masturbating and JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?!
I... why.... who... this is the one scene I will always think of
whenever I hear someone over the age of 12 trying to defend this as a
“good” movie. It's like fans of this shit have erased ANY of
these scenes from their movies, and ONLY remember the “KICK ASS
FIGHTS BRO!” scenes. They KEEP talking
about masturbating as I officially lose all faith in humanity for the
rest of my life. Did you know Michael Bay made $75 MILLION DOLLARS
off this movie? Money that went directly into his pocket. So thank
you, citizens of Earth for making this movie so successful so he
could become that much richer off it. It would be a crime against
humanity if an auteur like him wasn't so richly rewarded for his
cinematic endeavors.
The 4 Cybernetic
Stooges randomly destroy something else in the backyard, causing
Sam's dad to look out the window and witness what's left of his yard.
He somehow misses the four gigantic robots hiding right around the
sides of his house. Those
wacky Autobots! What WON'T they do next? Ironhide asks
Optimus if he can kill Sam's parents and I'm going to let it slide
that a movie ostensibly for kids is making jokes about killing
parents because THEY TOTALLY FUCKING DESERVE IT! Mikaela, probably as
suicidal as I am about this scene, pops up to shut Sam's parents up
once and for all.
The scene FINALLY
CUTS AWAY... to outside the house as we see a row of black SUVs pull
up as Sam finds the glasses in the kitchen. Tons of government agents
start pouring out, knocking on the door and announcing themselves as
Sector Seven. They are led by Agent Seymour Simmons, who is played by
the second of our cast that is WAY too talented to be in this movie:
John Turturro. HOWEVER, you would
never guess for a microsecond Turturro is even remotely talented
based on the performance he puts in here. He is well known for
playing strange and quirky characters, but here he's dialed it up to
TWELVE as he is so bizarre and off putting I can only think he knew
he was in an abomination of a film so tried to have fun with it.
Hell, every time he opens his mouth I half expect him to break into a
musical number.
The agents start
tearing through the house, including uprooting Sam's mom's garden and
taking samples. This is so she can do a gut bustingly funny double
entendre about how they “better get their hands off her bush” and
do you realize this shit's been going on for damn near TWENTY MINUTES
now?! They end up taking everyone into custody, Simmons grilling the
teens over what they know about aliens as the SUVs head towards their
destination.
The Autobots
FINALLY show up to save us from the worst twenty minutes in movie
history, attacking the Sector Seven convoy. They rescue Sam and
Mikaela as I guess they took Sam's parents somewhere else but for
once I don't give a FUCK about unexplained details in a movie. Sam
turns the tables and starts interrogating Simmons, but he won't
answer anything. Bumblebee or Ratchet retaliates by PISSING ON
HIS HEAD.
I am out of things
to say at this point. I'm sure the kiddies thought this scene was
hilarious, as did the grown ass mature men that wrote it. It does sum
up the franchise even better than the shot of Megan Fox, at the
least. Mikaela forces Simmons to strip because he threatened her
father, um... okay? Simmons is wearing Hawaiian boxers and I'm REALLY
disappointed Bay didn't go with some kind of HILARIOUS thong. More agents show
up, so the Autobots start running for some reason even though they
could totally take them. Everyone transforms into vehicle form except
Optimus, who scoops up Sam and Mikaela and takes off on foot... again
for some reason I can't figure out. I guess because Bay thought it'd
look cooler?
The chase ends up
in a spillway because OF COURSE IT DOES. The entire scene goes off
the rails as everyone mysteriously vanishes except for the teens and
Bumblebee, who somehow gets CAPTURED by Sector Seven. A giant fucking
robot taken down by a couple of helicopters and guys with guns that
shoot “freeze mist”. Bay films this all in slow motion with
really sad dramatic music playing, because this is SUCH a moving and
powerful scene. Yeah, I'm really tearing up here. Oh wait there's
the Autobots, just hanging back and watching. Optimus says they can't
help Bumblebee without harming the humans, even though we just saw
them completely disarm Section Seven without causing a single injury.
Optimus does find the glasses, as Sam dropped them while trying to
help Bumblebee.
We return to the
Pentagon, as Frenzy's virus has now shut down the entire global
network or whatever. Keller is contacted by Sector Seven agent Tom
Banachek because if there's one this film needed more of was ANOTHER
character added to the mix. Banachek fills him in on the truth about
Transformers with some pointless back story, the long and short being
the Decepticons are using the virus to disable all communication so
the humans can't coordinate together to attack. HOW they know this is
never explained, because that really seems like a total guess.
Keller starts
gathering all of our players together for some as yet unseen plan,
while the Autobots use the glasses to track down the Cube. Optimus's
goal is to find the artifact and destroy it, saying if that doesn't
work he'll unite it with the “spark in his chest”. What does THAT
mean? Is the spark in his chest a different kind of All Spark? Is
that supposed to be the Matrix of Leadership? Ratchet warns
that'll be suicide, but Optimus is bound and determined to go through
with it so Earth won't be destroyed by the Decepticons. At least the
film has captured how noble Optimus is, when it's not portraying him
as a clumsy buffoon and saying things like “my bad”, so there's
that at the VERY least.
Keller takes
everyone to the Hoover Dam, which is secretly the base of Sector
Seven and where they keep the frozen Megatron. Simmons revealed he's
the “source of the modern age”, as they've been reverse
engineering his body to invent things like microchips, lasers, space
flight, and even cars. Uh huh... if you say so movie.
Banachek continues
the guided tour, the next stop the All Spark itself which is
GIGANTIC. Unknown to everyone, Frenzy finally reveals himself and
sends out a communication to his allies. It's picked up by our old
friends Barricade and Blackout, along with newcomers Starscream (a
jet), Devastator (a tank), and Bonecrusher (a military truck). I'm
tired of bitching about how fucking horrible the redesigns are, but
Starscream's deserves SPECIAL attention. He honestly looks like a
first take rough draft sketch that they just decided to go with.
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