tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32085891605393664572024-03-13T11:05:52.597-06:00A Ghoul Versus...A zombie reviews things. Bring the popcorn!Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.comBlogger181125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-26980722368057341282015-03-28T11:04:00.002-06:002015-12-28T20:06:16.228-07:00A Ghoul Versus Friday The 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/03/a-ghoul-versus-friday-13th-part-iii.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on Friday the 13th Part III...</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We finally got the REAL Jason Voorhees
on film, as he donned his iconic hockey mask for the first time and
morphed into a fearless badass that didn't cower from chainsaws.
Amped up by a rocking disco soundtrack, he hacked and slashed his way
through the usual gang of idiots and into our hearts. Awww!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hey, I'm back! Sorry about the hiatus,
but zombie things came up. Being undead can get rather busy at
times, and just an occurrence popped up the last couple of weeks.
We're going to continue with the <i>Friday the 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup>
franchise since that's been so much fun to review, continuing with
the fourth film of the series: the so-called “final” chapter.
This was the first movie to break the yearly release trend the series
had become known for, as the studio wisely took 1983 off because the
dreaded “genre fatigue” had finally set in around this time. It
feels like in the early 1980s every 1.3 films released was a slasher
movie, something audiences were finally getting sick of.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Steve Miner was done with the franchise
at this point, so writer/director Joseph Zito was brought in to helm
the new movie. Zito was fresh off the cult classic slasher <i>the
Prowler</i>, which is most notable for featuring makeup effects by
the Horror Lord and Saviour, Tom Savini. Luckily for all of us, Zito
brought Savini along with him, giving him another chance to wreak
havoc with the character he helped to create. At the time this was
intended to truly be the swan song of Jason's story, so Savini wanted
to send off our lovable slasher in style. With a quality team of
filmmakers on-board and a year to build anticipation, the movie
turned out to be a monster hit, grossing over $30 million dollars off
a budget somewhere around two million. Critics once again hated it,
but fans loved it to the point it's considered one of the best movies
of the series. It even ended up outgrossing Wes Craven's <i>A
Nightmare on Elm Street</i>, which was also released the same year.
Let's find out why, so get ready to rise from the dead again because
it's time for <i>A Ghoul Versus Friday the 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><i>:
The Final Chapter</i>!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open with footage from the second
movie, where Paul is telling his campfire story about the legend that
is Jason. This is cut with highlights of kills from the past three
movies, which is turn lead us to the cheesily awesome opening
credits. The next is of the police cleaning up the aftermath of the
last movie, Jason's body finally getting that sheet I bitched about
previously. He's taken to the morgue, which is ran by a lecherous
man named Axel who is much more interested in flirting with the nurse
on duty and eating. I wonder if there's some kind of law that if
you're a mortician that you ALWAYS have to be eating while working?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Axel gets the nurse, Robbie, to go into
the cold room with him for hot sexy times, but their mood is ruined
by Jason's arm flopping out of his sheet. Robbie leaves, forcing
Axel to watch an workout video featuring a hot brunette getting her flex on. In a bit of
unintentional foreshadowing, the woman in the video is actress Darcy
DeMoss, whom we might just be seeing a couple movies from now.
Naturally, Jason rises from the dead to slash Axel's throat with a
hacksaw and then break his neck for the flourish, because he's
developed a serious sense of style now. Robbie is next to fall by
getting disemboweled with a scalpel, as we can see Savini really
upped his game for this one. This film is well known for being one
of the most brutal of the series, both these kills illustrating why.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This transitions to the Jarvis family,
who are staying out in a cabin by the woods... somewhere. There is
Mrs. Jarvis (it's a horror movie, parents don't need names!), her
twenty-something daughter Trish, and her preteen son Tommy. Trish's
actress, Kimberly Beck, never went on to do anything else notable
besides the gripping role of “housewife” in the 1996 blockbuster
Independence Day, but you MIGHT have heard of Tommy's actor, Corey
Feldman. At only twelve years old, Feldman was already a huge star
due to his numerous television and film roles, and was in the midst
of a scorching box office run between this, <i>Gremlins</i>, <i>the
Goonies</i>, <i>Stand By Me</i>, and <i>the Lost Boys</i>. Of
course, this is years before he went crazy and started making bizarre
music videos where he (badly) channels Michael Jackson.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Mrs. Jarvis is a loving mom, Trish is
blonde, and Tommy is a really smart nerd, that's pretty much all you
need to know. Oh, and they have a dog named Gordon too that'll
inexplicably vanish from the movie by jumping out a window later on.
I also would be remiss if I don't mention we're introduced to Tommy
as we see him playing the space shooter video game <em>Zaxxon</em>, which was
one of my favourites when I was a kid. They discuss six kids have
rented the cabin across the way, who are the next people we get to
meet. ROLE CALL!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-Paul, who is... handsome, I guess?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
-Sam, Paul's girlfriend and the
Mandated by Horror Tropes “slut” who TOTALLY won't die. She is
played by Judie Aronson, who would have a featured role in the 1985
smash hit <i>Weird Science</i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
-Sara, the shy virgin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
-Doug, whom Sara has the hots for and
is also handsome?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
-Jimmy, played by Crispin
Hellion Glover, a man that I'm pretty sure the word
“eccentric” was invented centuries earlier in preparation
just for him. Like Aronson, he would also go on to greater box
office success the following year, his coming in the form of a little
film called <i>Back to the Future</i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
-Ted, the clown of the group.
Always got to have one! Thankfully, he's NOWHERE near the
abomination that Shelly was and actually is pretty funny.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Jimmy instantly steals the show thanks
to Glover's patented line delivery and mannerisms, he is one of those
rare actors that grabs your attention no matter what he does. Kind
of like a young Christopher Walken. The six are driving out in the
woods to find their cabin, but soon get lost. They pull over to the
side of the road so Paul and Doug can consult their map, while Sam
looks over to a nearby cemetery where we can see Mrs. Voorhees'
tombstone. I wonder if they dug her back up and placed her head in
the coffin as well? Doug gets a handle on their location so they
drive on, passing a female hitchhiker on the way. She is promptly
killed by Jason with a knife to the back of her throat, who is once
again using his expert navigational skills to return home. Seriously,
how did he get out of the hospital, and the city for that matter,
with NO ONE noticing?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The six finally find their cabin and
meet their neighbours, giving us NINE FREAKING PEOPLE to keep track
of right now. Jason better show up, and he better show up SOON.
Scratch that, ELEVEN people because our campers meet a set of
brunette twins, Terri and Tina, out in the forest the next morning.
DAYMN, create too many characters much there, <i>Friday the 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup>?!
They all decide to go skinny dipping in Crystal Lake for some fine
blatant nudity, all except Sara of course because she's a shy virgin
who wants to challenge Trish for the title of Final Girl.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Elsewhere in the woods Trish and Tommy
are driving alone when their car dies, Tommy getting out to fix it
because he's sharp like that. They encounter ANOTHER character in
the form of a hiker named Rob to bring the cast number up to a jaw
dropping twelve, and if we don't get a mass murder spree in the next
ten minutes this is going to turn into a Paul Thomas Anderson movie.
Rob proves to be immediately suspicious when he keeps asking
questions about people in the area, as well as claiming he's hunting
bears which Tommy dismisses as nonsense since there are none nearby.
They bring him home anyway because Trish is digging his rugged charm,
and Tommy wants to show off his collection of monster masks.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Our six campers bring the twins back to
their cabin, where we are treated to a GLORIOUS scene of Jimmy doing
something that I believe is meant to be dancing. I've always thought
it resembles a martial arts training routine, but what it is, it is
AWESOME. Things start getting hot and heavy between Paul and one of
the twins (I'm not going to bother to find out which one since the
film is making no effect to tell me), prompting an angry Sam to storm
out for a night swim. Finally! Let's get this show on the road
already! Sam strips down and swims out to a rubber raft floating in
the middle of the lake so we can see a “the killer leaps out of the
lake to grab her” scene for the umpteenth time in the series. One
down...</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Paul, feeling guilty about that whole
trying to cheat on his girlfriend right in front of her thing, grows
a conscience and goes looking for her. This proves to be a gift to
movie reviewers having trouble keeping track of everyone, as Jason
impales him to death to take another piece of dead weight out of the
picture. Rob, who is in a tent nearby, hears the scream and heads
out to investigate. Come on, come on! No dice though, as he finds
nothing. As an added bonus, he returns to his tent to find his rifle
broken and his map shredded. That was... rather out of character for
Jason. Is there a reason he couldn't have just, you know, KILLED
HIM?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Jimmy and Tina (yay, the film said her
name!) go upstairs to have sex, which pisses off Terri who decides to
leave since she is NOT feeling Ted's lack of charm. She soon meets
the business end of Jason's machete in a disappointingly off-camera
death. Whatever, it got the job done. Sexy Times Cabin isn't the
only place where the action is happening however, as back as the
Jarvis cabin Mrs. Jarvis comes home to find there is no power. She
goes outside in the rain looking for their dog, but instead finds
something that scares her. We don't get to see what happens though,
as the scene cuts to Trish and Tommy driving back home from wherever
the hell they were. This film is not great at establishing stuff.
Worried by their missing mother, Trish decides to find her while
Tommy stays behind to fix the power. Trish ends up running into Rob,
who nearly kills her after thinking she's the person who broke his
gun.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Getting tired of waiting for people to
come to him, Jason takes matters into his own hands and goes back to
the other cabin. He ambushes Jimmy in the kitchen, putting his
machete right into his face. BOOOO! Not the only developed
character in the entire film! Tina joins him in death right after,
as Jason smashes through the bedroom window to grab her and then
throw her off the second floor onto Paul's car in a SPECTACULAR
stunt. The icing on the cake is watching all the windows of the car
explode as she lands on its roof, they went all out for that one.
That wholeheartedly makes up for how dull the entire movie has been
paced thus far, because that freaking ruled. Rob reveals to Trish
what he's really up to, that Sandra from <i>Friday the 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><i>
Part II</i> was his sister and he's seeking revenge against Jason.
When Trish tries to tell him Jason is dead, he shows her a paper
detailing Jason's body vanishing from the morgue along with Axel and
Robbie.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ted is our next pointless character to
go, taking a knife to the back of the head. Yawn. This film is
definitely a showcase for Tom Savini's masterful art than any attempt
to tell a story at all, how else can you explain all of these
characters getting screen time when the entire thing should have been
about Rob's quest for revenge? There's also Sara and Doug to deal
with, who have basically done nothing the majority of the movie.
Sara has said fuck it to being the Final Girl and tells Doug she
wants to sleep with him, going to the bedroom to get ready while he
takes a shower. This kicks off Jason's Sex Sense, so he rushes
upstairs to kill poor Doug before he gets a chance to seal the deal.
Harsh, Jason, harsh.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sara finds his body and freaks, running
downstairs only to get an ax in the chest. Alright, we are now
officially down to a super manageable three survivors! Rob and Trish
go to the cabin to check on the campers, finding it empty. Genius
Rob decides to check the creepy basement, which just goes to show he
knows Jason better than anyone because he finds him. This is
probably the movie's most famous scene aside from Jimmy's “dancing”,
as Jason begins to stab him to death while Rob screams “He's
killing me! He's killing me!”. A scene of what should be absolute
terror negated by him doing play-by-play of his own death. This
would go on to set the tone for the series ultimately, as it began to
EMBRACE goofy ass shit of this manner.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Trish goes into GTFO mode, doing the
spot where she runs around the house and finds numerous dead bodies
that we've ALSO seen over and over again. She runs back to the
Jarvis cabin where she left Tommy all alone with a serial killer on
the loose, making her probably the dumbest Final Girl that we've had
to date. She further proves this by nailing the doors and windows
shut instead of going for that CAR that they have right outside, but
then again it has been proven to be unreliable so maybe she's just
really Genre Savvy. Jason continues this stunning rendition of
<i>Friday the 13th's Greatest Hits</i> by throwing Rob's body through
the window as I seriously start to wonder if I'm watching a new movie
or just stock footage.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Jason grabs Tommy but Trish is able to
fight him off with her hammer, taking Tommy upstairs so they can be
trapped even further. They hole up in Tommy's room, but Jason just
smashes the door down with his growing strength. He's come a long
way since the second movie, that's for sure. Trish FINALLY does
something competent and smashes a television over his head to knock
him out, but this is only for a moment as he gets up and chases her
outside. After a pointless runaround she winds up back in the cabin,
where Tommy has gone upstairs to... cut his hair?! Time and a place,
dude! Jason overpowers Trish and is about to kill her when Tommy,
his head clean shaven, comes downstairs and yells to distract him.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This makes Jason stop, who regards the
boy as an earlier version of himself due to the bald head... I think?
It's been established Jason's grasp on reality is tenuous at best,
but does he really think he's looking at himself here? This never
made a lick of sense to me. Trish takes her chance and picks up a
machete to slash at him, but only ends up cutting off his hockey mask
so we can see his disfigured face. He turns his attention back to
her, allowing Tommy to retrieve the blade and drive it into through
his eye. Jason falls but is still moving, so Tommy begins to HACK
THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HIM! Wow, you know this kid is going to be a
tad fucked up in the future. The screen fades to white, coming back
to show Trish in a hospital bed with a doctor and a sheriff. She
asks to see Tommy, who creepily walks in and hugs her. Our final
shot is of him glaring directly into the camera as “ki ki ki”
starts playing, implying we're going to have a situation on our hands
in the future.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I've never agreed with this being one
of the better films in the series, there is BARELY a plot going on
here besides Jason kills people in impressive fashion. There are way
too many characters that never get an ounce of development, giving us
no reason whatsoever to care about them. It's also very boring, as
half this movie is just idiots exchanging idiot speak until Jason
puts them out of our misery. There's highlights of course, like
Crispin Glover and Corey Feldman proving not all child actors are
completely annoying little shits, but overall it's just a mess.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's frustrating too, because they had
SUCH a great premise buried within the film in the form of Rob's
barely there plot. I know at this point these films were NOT about
telling a compelling story, but the idea of a person out for
vengeance against Jason practically wrote itself. He could have been
playing a cat and mouse game with Jason the entire time, which would
have even explained Jason fucking with his stuff instead of just
killing him. We'd get there eventually, but they REALLY missed the
chance here to create something special way back in the early days of
the slasher genre.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The second straight film I can only
recommend to diehard fans, although it is pretty essential if you
have an interest in continuing the series because it does become the
first part of an in-series trilogy that finally elevates the series
into earning the massive fandom it boasts. Onto the Massacre Meter!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">1. How Many People Did The
Villain Kill In This One?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
An unlucky 13.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">2. What Was The Coolest Kill?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Tina getting pulled through a window
and thrown onto a car in slow motion, easily the highlight of the
entire film.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">3. What Was The Lamest Kill?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Mrs. Jarvis' completely off screen
death. We never even see her body turn up! There's an alternate
ending to this where the next day Trish finds her mother's body in a
bathtub only to have Jason attack her (which would turn out to be a nightmare ala every single other damn movie), but they didn't go with it
because they truly meant for this to be the final film.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">4. Did The Best Character Die?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Once again yes. We love you Jimmy!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">5. Did The Worst Character Die?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
I guess you could say it was Paul
because he was a cheating scumbag, but no one in this film inspired
outright hate from me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">6. How Did The Villain Die In
This One?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
A knife through the eye and then hacked
to pieces by Corey Feldman. What a way to go...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">7. How Competent Was The Final
Girl</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Not very. Our second straight Final
Girl that was mostly an idiot, highlighted by thinking her little
brother would be just fine left alone in a house with Jason on the
rampage.</span>Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-69006130192287609772015-03-14T19:19:00.000-06:002015-12-28T20:13:10.450-07:00A Ghoul Versus Friday The 13th Part III (Part 2)<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/03/a-ghoul-versus-friday-13th-part-iii.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here for Part 1!</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Shelly's mopefest
is interrupted by the sound of a twig breaking in the woods, so he
goes off to investigate. OH HELL YEAH! You see what that's all
about! His search takes him to the barn, that beautiful, beautiful
place where dreams come true. We... cut away?! What, NO! DON'T YOU
DARE, MOVIE! Don't rob of us of this moment! BOOOO! So we cut away
to Vera, who suddenly remembers she still has Shelly's wallet on her
after the incident back at the shop. She drops it into the lake,
for some reason going into the water to retrieve it. Who freaking
cares?! She sees a giant burly man in a hockey mask walking towards
her, naturally assuming it's Shelly despite the fact he's a chubby
little punk.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Vera does wise up
after a few seconds and realizes it's not that waste of oxygen,
asking who he is. Jason responds by raising the spear gun he's
carrying and SHOOTS HER THROUGH THE EYE. Boom, headshot! At 57
minutes in, we now have our first OFFICIAL Jason kill of the
franchise, hockey mask and all. So what made them decide on a hockey
mask for his new look? Like some of the most iconic images in pop
culture, it was 100% pure random chance. They knew he was going to
wear a mask in this one, but until shooting began still hadn't
figured out what kind. Martin Jay Sadoff, who supervised the film's
stunning 3D sequences, just happened to have a bag full of hockey
gear on him since he was a hardcore fan and I guess that's what being
a hardcore hockey fan entails. They created a new sculpt of the
goalie's mask, giving us the instantly recognizable one that we all
know and love.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Jason goes into the
house to kill Andy and Debbie, who just got done having sex to sign
their death warrant. Debbie's death has always been disturbing to
me, which I alluded to earlier. She is pregnant, so Jason just
killed her unborn child along with her. I just feel in a movie with
this light of a tone something that dark was completely uncalled for,
especially since they do nothing to add gravity to her being pregnant
outside of that one throwaway line in the van. If this had been in
the first film it would have been fine, since that film was very dark
and almost completely devoid of comedy. Here, it just really stands
out in what is a very lighthearted story, even with people getting
butchered.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">With barely half an
hour left and still four people alive, Jason better get his ass in
gear. He starts by killing the power, which draws Chuck into the
basement to “check the fusebox”. You do that, stoner boy. Chili
waits upstairs, where she gets a visit from Fucking Shelly, who has
his throat slashed open. Thanks to his constant dumbassery, she
thinks he's just playing and ignores him while he bleeds to death. I
FUCKING LOVE THIS SCENE. I want to marry this scene and have undead
babies with it. Chuck gets the lights back on, just to turn around
and see Jason, who throws him into the fusebox. This somehow
electrocutes him, which... umm, I GUESS is possible? Chili is the
next to go, getting a hot poker from the fireplace shoved through her
chest. You cut that dead wood, Jason!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chris and Rick, who
have spent nearly the entire film off camera talking about whatever,
finally come back to the movie as they return to the house. When
they find it empty with no power, Rick goes outside to “check
things out” like a genius and ends up getting his head crushed by
Jason's bare hands. This scene is memorable for one of his eyes
popping out of his head and flying towards the camera, which is
admittedly a better use of 3D than anything you're going to see
nowadays.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This transforms Chris into the Final Girl, and bloody hell
am I not invested into her character. She's going to need ONE HELL
of a performance here to top Ginny and her Chainsaw of Doom from the
last movie, or even Alice throwing down with Mrs. Voorhees from
the first. She starts doing the “finding the bodies of her dead
friends one by one” spot around the house until Jason gives a
middle finger to subtlety and throws Rick's corpse through the window
at her. So this series isn't content with ripping off <i>Halloween</i>
and <i>Psycho</i> wholesale, it needs to rip ITSELF off now? Seems
legit.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Showing how smart
she is, Chris dashes UPSTAIRS as Jason crawls in through the window
after her. She locks herself in a closet, where she finds herself
sitting next to Debbie's body, complete with a knife in the back of
her neck. Chris grabs the knife and uses it to attack Jason as he
hacks his way inside with an ax, but he dodges most of her swings
because he's fast as he is strong now. She finally stabs him in the
leg to bring him down, but like all of our other heroines chooses to
run rather than, you know, kill him. She smashes out a window and
climbs back down to the ground, waiting until Jason goes outside
after her to smash him in the head with a wooden plank. Naturally,
she doesn't KEEP smashing his head in, but chooses to go for the
nearby van and speed away.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ah, but it runs out
of gas almost immediately thanks to the bikers! Jason catches up to
her in no time, forcing her to leave through the passenger door and
run towards the woods. Hahah, just kidding! She ducks into the
barn, because she REALLY loves her confined spaces. He stalks her to
the loft, where she brains him with a shovel and knocks him out. She
then grabs the hay pulley and wraps the rope around his neck, proving
even THIS DITZ can learn from her past mistakes! She shoves him out
of the window and snaps his neck, climbing down to check on him.
You'll never believe this, but he's STILL ALIVE! GASP! He briefly
lifts off his mask to show her his face and confirm he's the man who
attacked her two years ago... and left her alive despite having her
unconscious? What, was he feeling EXTRA sporting that day or
something?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He unties the rope
from his incredibly strong neck and comes at her with a machete.
Chris, pretty much out of options at this point, goes with “fall to
the ground and cower in fear”. Tsk tsk tsk. Suddenly, ALI appears
out of nowhere and grabs Jason. WHAT? He survived a Jason hack
attack?! Geez, get this guy his own slasher franchise STAT. Jason
slices off his hand and begins initiate Hack Attack 2: The
Rehackening when Chris sees an ax in the corner and stealths her way
towards it. She takes it firmly in her hands and plants it DIRECTLY
into Jason's forehead, which he finally succumbs to and collapses to
the ground.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chris wanders out
to the lake, where a canoe JUST HAPPENS to be. Huh, this feels a bit
familiar. She gets in the canoe for a nice little post-murder nap,
just like some other girl in a movie I saw one time. She wakes up in
the morning, the film throwing a couple of cheap jump scares her way
in the form of a tree branch hitting her canoe and a bird flying past
her. She then looks into the house, seeing a maskless Jason watching
her from the window. He runs out after her, but then vanishes after
he steps outside. Oh, she probably just hallucinated that after all
the psychological trauma she just suffered. I guess she's safe and
sound after- GAH! MRS. VOORHEES FUCKING LEAPS OUT OF THE LAKE AND
DRAGS HER UNDER!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We cut to later,
where the police are all over the farm. They talk about how Chris is
the only survivor, dismissing her claim there's a “lady in the
lake” as her being bugged out of her damn mind. They escort her
into a cruiser, the poor woman confirming their suspicions by
alternating between crying and laughing. Or maybe it's all supposed
to be crying, she's not exactly the best actress I've ever seen. The
car drives off as the camera pans over to the barn, where Jason's
ax-encrusted body still lies. What, the cops didn't at least put a
sheet over it? His body shockingly doesn't move as the camera cuts
to that lake, because if they're going to copy the ending of the last
movie they might as well put the final cherry on top.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">How in the blue
hell would Chris even KNOW about Mrs. Voorhees? Did she watch the
opening to this movie or something? The first film perfectly set up
its ending jump scare, as it told us Jason had drowned in the lake
prior. Mrs. Voorhees was never once mentioned in this movie to any
of the characters, not to mention she had never been in the lake...
and was missing her head. That pretty much sums up the entire movie:
slapped together with no thought put into anything. I mean sure,
they were making these once a year and didn't have a lot of time to
write a hyper detailed plot, but THAT'S what they went with? A cheap
jump scare we all knew was coming?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is the first
film in the series that began the march towards what the series did
best: making audiences more or less root for Jason as he cut his way
through a gang of idiots you WANTED to see meet his machete. The
first two films, while boasting a huge cast of morons, still had you
on the side of the victims because they were relatively decent
people. With the advent of Fucking Shelly though, the door was
opened for Jason to be this awesome killing machine taking out
despicable characters through highly inventive kills. A killing
machine with the coolest mask EVER. It only gets better from here,
folks!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That, along with
Shelly's death, is about the only thing the film had going for it
though. This was a horribly boring story that didn't pick up any
steam right until the very end, and that was way too short to be
anything. The cast was beyond dull, giving us the first Final Girl
of the series that was a total flop. She was hardly in this thing at
all, and when she was, she proved to be very ineffective. Yeah, she
leveled up the last few minutes but it was a case of too little, too
late. Her actress, Dana Kimmell, had virtually no presence as she
basically just said her lines and called it good. Tracie Savage, who
played poor Debbie, should have been the Final Girl because she was
bursting with charisma and outshone everyone in her limited screen
time thanks to owning a personality.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I would only give
this a recommendation to hardcore fans, and that's mainly to the
elements that were introduced here and not the story itself.
Everyone else I'd give this a strong recommendation to avoid, there's
just nothing here to keep you interested. Unless you wanna see
Fucking Shelly die in one of the most poetically perfect deaths ever
filmed, that just might be worth the price of admission by itself.
Let's get a wrap up on this courtesy of the Massacre Meter!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">1. How Many People Did The
Villain Kill In This One?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Another disputed
number, some people say 12 while others say 13. I am in the 13 camp,
as I count Debbie's unborn baby as the thirteen kill.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">2. What Was The Coolest Kill?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Vera getting a
spear through her FACE. That was brutal!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">3. What Was The Lamest Kill?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Chuck getting
thrown into the fuse box and magically electrocuted... somehow. I
still don't understand how that even works.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">4. Did The Best Character Die?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Unfortunately,
Debbie met the business end of Jason's blade and the whole movie
suffered because of it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">5. Did The Worst Character Die?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
HELL YEAH! Suck
it Shelly, I hope that blade was dull as a butter knife!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">6. How Did The Villain Die In
This One?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Ax to the head,
gets 'em every time!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">7. How
Competent Was The Final Girl?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="text-decoration: none;">Not
very, she did get creative with how she killed Jason but the rest of
the time she kept doing stupid shit like running into confined spaces
and not taking the chance to stop Jason once and for all.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-13220847979112126872015-03-14T19:15:00.001-06:002015-12-28T20:16:17.706-07:00A Ghoul Versus Friday The 13th Part III (Part 1)<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/03/a-ghoul-versus-friday-13th-part-ii-part.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on Friday The 13th Part II...</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">PLOT TWIST! Jason's been alive the
entire time... somehow. And he's spent his entire life hiding from
his beloved mother... for some reason. I don't know, I've been
watching that movie on and off my entire life and I'm still no closer
to figuring out the plot. The film detailed Jason killing a bunch of
camp counselors... for no real reason besides he's crazy? Rhaargh,
that freaking movie!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Before it was decided to make a
straight sequel to the first <i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup>,
the producers were flirting with making it an anthology series where
each movie would be a completely unrelated horror story sharing only
the fact they took place on the same date. With <i>Part III</i>,
they were planning to make it the final part of Jason's story because
there's NO WAY audiences were going to keep watching these things
right?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><i>
IV: The Final Chapter</i> (1984) – made $30+ million</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><i>
V: A New Beginning</i> (1985) – made $19+ million</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><i>
VI: Jason Lives</i> (1986) – made $16+ million</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><i>
VII: The New Blood</i> (1988) – made $16+ million</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><i>
VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan</i> (1989) – made $9+ million</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday</i>
(1993) – made $12+ million</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Jason X</i> (2001) – made $2+
million</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Freddy Vs. Jason</i> (2003) – made
$90+ million</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup>
(2009) – made $70+ million</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">With the exception of <i>Jason X</i>,
which is fucking awesome and one of the finest love letters to Jason
fans ever written, all of the movies made a decent to great profit.
No matter how hackneyed and trite the movies got, no matter how much
they ran out of ideas, people still showed up in droves to see Jason
get his groove on. But, just to hedge their bets, the filmmakers
decided the latest chapter better capitalize on the current trend at
the time: 3D. Gah, just like the present. Are we just constantly
doomed to suffer through Hollywood recycling everything over and over
again? Answer: yes.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Thanks to a long forgotten movie called
<i>Comin' At Ya</i> that kicked off the craze, 3D was starting to get
shoehorned into more and more movies, <i>Jaws</i> and <i>Amityville</i>
among them. This decision helped make <i>Part III</i> a runaway hit,
as did it not only becoming the movie that finally knocked <i>E.T.:
The Extra Terrestrial</i> out of its throne atop the box office, but
it was the most successful 3D movie in history until 2003's <i>Spy
Kids 3-D. </i><span style="font-style: normal;">Critics once again
harshed on it, but the producers didn't give a damn as they made over
$30 million dollars off their budget of $2.5 million.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Steve
Miner returned to the director's chair for this one, this time
bringing in Martin Kitrosser and Carol Watson into the fold to write
the script. Kitrosser and Watson must have enjoyed writing about
kids and camps, because in 1984 they'd unite again to write the
screenplay for <em>Meatballs Part II</em>, which featured 100% less grisly
death scenes. Kitrosser would return for the fifth installment to
help co-write its story, but I'm getting ahead of myself here. We
need to watch how these two fixed the clusterfuck that was the ending
of the last movie, so slap on some dorky 3D glasses and get ready for
</span><i>A Ghoul Versus Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><i>
Part III</i><span style="font-style: normal;">!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open with the
ending of the last movie being played, though things diverge when
Ginny and Paul leave Jason's shack. We see Jason eventually start
moving, which officially retcons the Jason bursting through the
window scene as a dream Ginny had. One can assume Paul carried her
back to the cabin where he eventually passed out and then awoke the
next morning as paramedics loaded her into an ambulance. That's
fine, this is one of the better retcons out there because CRICKEY was
that ending stupid.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This brings us to
the opening credits, which feature some hilariously bad 3D blocks of
text as well as... DISCO MUSIC! That's right, we get a DISCO REMIX
of the Friday The 13<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>th</sup> theme. Hey, it was 1982, disco was
still tangibly a thing. If you recall from my </span></span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-ghoul-versus-hellraiser-iii-hell-on.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hellraiser III review,</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> when a horror
movie tries to cash in on the popular music trend at the time, only
GOOD THINGS can happen. The credits give way to the town near
Crystal Lake, where a woman named Edna is watching a news report
about the discovery of eight bodies at the camp. They show Ginny
being loaded into the ambulance, saying how she's the only survivor
albeit with multiple stab wounds. UMMM, what? Paul, anyone? What,
did he just call 911 and split before they showed up? There was a
rumour for many years that his actor, John Furey, stormed off the
production after an argument which is why he kinda vanished at the
end of the last movie, but that's been confirmed to be untrue in the
time since. So I really have no idea what's up with Paul, but it
doesn't matter since we'll never see him or Ginny again.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Edna hears a noise
outside, looking through her window to her laundry line outside where
she had just gotten done yelling at her husband Harold for being an
idiot. Through the laundry we can see Michael Myers moving slowly-
no wait, that's just Jason. Boy, they're not going to let these
<i>Halloween</i> “homages” go anytime soon, are they? The Harold
and Edna stuff goes on FOREVER, until Jason finally tries to get the
movie going by killing both of them out in their garage. Thank you
Jason, that was insufferable. We transition to elsewhere in the
town, or maybe a different town since this series SUCKS at
establishing anything, as we meet Chris, her friend Debbie, and
Debbie's boyfriend Andy.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chris is driving a
town to pick up the rest of her friends for a little weekend getaway
out in the woods because in the 1980s there was literally no other
way to spend the weekend. In the back of the van is the fourth member
of the party, a guy named Shelly. Fucking Shelly... if you know
ANYTHING about the series, odds are you've heard his name mentioned
once or twice. His is, HANDS DOWN, the most annoying character of
the entire franchise and perhaps ANY franchise. I'll put him up
against </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-ghoul-versus-star-wars-episode-i.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Jar Jar Binks,</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-transformers-revenge-of.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Skids and Mudflap,</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> or even </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-twilight-saga-twilight.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">fucking Bella Swan</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> any day of the
week. He's the film's practical joker you see, and he's think he's
HILARIOUS when in reality he's about as funny as cute puppies getting
cancer. He introduces himself by wearing a Michael Myers-ish mask
and sneaking up behind Andy to fake stab him in the back.
Har-har-har.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Andy, who is
Shelly's room mate and best friend, pulls him aside and gives him a
stern talking to about fucking the weekend up. This proves that Andy
is what we like to call FUCKING BRAINDEAD in the fact he thought
bringing Shelly along for a weekend of sex and partying would ever,
EVER be a good idea. Even funnier is Andy is setting up Shelly with
his friend Vera, lovely woman who does all laugh is his face when
she's introduced to me. Even Shelly knows how much he sucks and
offers a weak apology. Nice Shelly, I don't feel sorry for you ONE
BIT. Vera, played by Catherine Parks, is the only actor here that
ever went on to have another major role, and even that's debatable
since it was <i>Weekend At Bernie's</i>. As an interesting side
note, Shelly's actor, Larry Zerner, went on to become a big time
Hollywood lawyer and represented a side in the lawsuit against<i> the
Amityville Horror</i> remake in 2005. This just goes to show that
once you enter the horror genre, there is NO ESCAPE.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We're not done
meeting our Future Victims yet though, because it turns out there's
two more people in the back of the van: Cheech and Chong. Hold on,
I mean Chuck and Chili, since Cheech and Chong would have been WAY
too expensive to hire with his film's budget. With Vera in tow we're
off to Crystal Lake, though a different spot far from the camp called
Higgins Haven. Yeah, THAT'S gonna make a difference. During the
trip we learn Debbie is pregnant, a plot point I've never really
agreed with but we'll cover that later. Their trip is interrupted by
an old man lying asleep in the road, who starts jabbering when they
pull over to check on him. He warns them about... something, as he
pulls a FUCKING EYEBALL out of his pocket to show to them. They leap
back into the fan and go into light speed GTFO mode. And in case you're wondering, this bit of What The Fuckery is never mentioned or brought up again, so I hope you enjoyed it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They arrive at
their cabin in Higgins Haven, where Chris walks into a cheap jump
scare courtesy of her boyfriend Rick, who arrived earlier. I say
cabin but it's really more of a farm, complete with a massive barn
behind the house boasting a pulley system for bales of hay that I'm
sure won't EVER be used for an elaborate death scene later. Rick,
whose only character motivation is that he LOVES SEX, discusses sex
with Chris for about five minutes until they hear a scream come from
the house. Chris runs upstairs to find Shelly in the closet with a
meat cleaver buried in his skull, which drew a standing ovation from
this zombie... that is until it turns out this was all a prank he's
playing. FUCK. YOU. SHELLY.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Everyone is pissed
off by this, but especially Chris because it reminds her of an
“incident” that happened at the house two years earlier. What
the-?! Character back story in a <i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup>
film? What madness be this? Vera and Shelly end up going into town
to buy some food, where they run afoul of three leather clad asshole
bikers named Fox, Ali, and Loco. The two teens quickly leave the
store, where Fucking Shelly accidentally manages to back over the
biker's motorcycles with his car because he's too stupid to know
drive from reverse. Ali punches out Shelly's windows as he drives
by, but somehow I have the feeling the bikers aren't going to let
this go so easy...</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Back at the camp
farm place, we get one of the film's more infamous 3D shots as Andy
plays with a yo-yo right into the camera. Yep, that's it. A few
shots of watching a yo-yo fly towards us, and somehow it's STILL
better than </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/10/a-ghoul-versus-saw-vii-final-chapter-in.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Saw 3D</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> was. The film throws us
a bone as shows a brief glimpse of Jason watching everyone from the
barn, because he's... bored? Why is he here, way out of his usual
territory? For that matter, why did he go into town to kill Edna and
Harold? Actually, for once I don't care because all this means is at
some point we'll get to see him kill Shelly and that GLORIOUS moment
will be worth sitting through any questionable story elements.
Everyone drifts off to do their own thing, leaving the front of the
house unguarded which is PERFECT timing for the bikers, who show up
to cause some mischief. Ali and Loco siphon the gas out of Chris'
van while Fox goes inside the barn to... do a whole lot of nothing
and NOT get killed by Jason. You know, we're nearly 40 minutes in
and things aren't exactly off to a captivating start.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When she's gone too
long, Loco goes into the barn after her, finding her impaled to a
ceiling beam by a pitchfork through her neck. FINALLY! Loco soon
joins her in biker hell as Jason runs him through with a trusty ol'
pitchfork. Ali is next into the death barn where he finds the bodies
of his friends, grabbing a machete when he sees Jason across the
room. Jason, who has taken a HUGE upgrade in the badass department,
easily disarms him and hacks him to death with the blade. Alright
enough excitement, we now return you to our boring as hell campers!
Chris tells Rick her origin story, how two years ago she was attacked
by an unknown grotesque looking man and somehow survived despite
getting knocked out. Gee, I wonder who THAT could have been?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The Cheech and
Chong ripoffs go into the barn to scare who they think is Shelly
after they spot him entering, but find nothing in a HIGHLY vital
scene. Vital to making sure the film hits a theater required 90
minutes, that is. Vera relaxes on the dock by the lake when a hand
grabs her leg and tries to drag her in, but it's just Fucking Shelly
playing another GUT-BUSTINGLY FUNNY prank. KILL THIS FUCKING PRICK
ALREADY JASON! In the film's defense though, this scene does have a
point as we see Shelly is wearing a hockey mask when he scares Vera.
Hey, a hockey mask! That'd be a cool accessory for a slasher villain,
is anyone else thinking that? She rightfully yells at him for being
an immature moron, which hurts his feelings so he runs off to sulk.
Aww, poor Shelly. You gonna cry now?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-58181818922799674322015-03-13T05:57:00.002-06:002015-03-14T19:20:34.491-06:00A Ghoul Versus Friday The 13th Part II (Part 2)<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/03/a-ghoul-versus-friday-13th-part-ii-part.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here for Part 1!</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ginny and Paul return to camp, Ted
staying behind to try his luck with a waitress. They find the
aftermath of Jason's bloody rampage, but no bodies so they decide to
go looking for everyone. They don't even make it out of the cabin
when Jason attacks Paul in FULL SIGHT of Ginny, making this one of
the most unique slasher films of ALL TIME. A killer who can run and
doesn't pick people off one by one? MORE PLEASE! Paul doesn't stand
a chance here, partially because Ginny just stands around doing
nothing while Jason kills him. I guess she's racked with fear, but
Alice sure as hell wouldn't have just STOOD THERE. She would have
grabbed a fucking blunt instrument and started caving Jason's skull
in... then ran without making sure he was dead. Still, my point
remains.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Some nice shots of Ginny trying to
escape the cabin while Jason keeps blocking her follow, leading up to
a scene where she opens a closet only to have Ralph's body fall out
that was in no way, shape, or form inspired by a similar one in
<i>Halloween</i>, so shut up. She finally gets outside through a
kitchen window and dashes to her car, which starts up just fine and
let's her get aw- YEAH, FUCKING RIGHT. The movie gets this one
though, as they properly established it ran like shit and had
constant problems turning over. Jason starts stabbing through the
roof of the car with a pitchfork so she bails, the killer running
after her. She hides in a tree and waits for him to run by, jumping
out and KICKING HIM IN THE NUTS! HAHAH! Ginny, you have
wholeheartedly redeemed yourself in my eyes. She runs into an
adjacent cabin where she hides under a bed while Jason enters and
prowls around.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A rat crawls under the bed with Ginny,
and here we get one of the more disputed scenes in the entire
franchise: Ginny is scared to death the rat is going to give her away
and is doing her best not to make a sound. Jason decides the cabin
is empty and goes to leave when he sees a pool of urine come out from
the bed, which has sparked endless discussions over WHO PEED: GINNY
OR THE RAT? Yep, this is a thing. You can go to online forums and
read multi-page threads on this scene. It's really fun to be a
horror fan sometimes. Allegedly in an interview... somewhere, that
I've never been able to find, Steve Miner said it was that rat that
peed, but that puddle was bigger than the rat itself. If a rat that
small could piss that much liquid, I'd say we definitely got our
supernatural elements of the franchise in this installment and not
later ones.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Team Rat Piss are quick to point out
that when Ginny gets out from under the bed there are no wet spots on
her pants, which is true, but if you watch the scene you can see her
close her eyes in fear, start shuddering, and then see the urine
spill out onto the floor. This is why I'm on Team Ginny Piss, and
chalk up her dry pants to a simple production gaff. Also, I can't
believe I just spent the last two paragraphs writing about urine.
Ginny hears the door close, looking out from under the bed to see
Jason's legs are indeed gone. She crawls out from under the bed,
only to see Jason was trolling her because he was standing on a
stool. BRILLIANT! Unluckily for him though, the stool wasn't made
to support a human hulk and it collapses just as he tries to stab her
with his pitchfork, his weapon breaking in the process.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She runs to the corner, where she FINDS
A FUCKING CHAINSAW! What? What was THAT doing there? In yet
another memorable scene she fires it up and comes at Jason, who
begins cowering in terror and completely loses all of his mystique in
the process. Or does he? This is a scene that is usually brought up
in Who Would Win arguments when fans are discussing Jason versus
Michael Myers or Freddy or whoever, calling Jason a coward (or worse)
who wouldn't stand a chance. These are also the same people who
didn't pay attention to the film earlier, where Ginny was
psychoanalyzing Jason and concluded he was just a boy in a man's
body, as he spent his entire life alone in the woods and never had
any kind of social interaction. OF COURSE he's going to be scared of
someone brandishing a chainsaw at him, deep down he's still a special
needs little boy. But you know what? This is EARLY, maskless Jason,
he has a lot of growing to do still and grow he will.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ginny cuts Jason in the arm with the
chainsaw, but then inexplicably abandons it for a wooden chair that
she smashes against his back. She leaves instead of trying to finish
off the prone and defenseless figure, but I'm used to that by now in
these movies. She finds Jason's shack, going inside when she sees a
light on and hoping someone is inside that can help her. HELP
YOURSELF GIRL, you had him dead to rights! A shot through the nearby
window shows Jason running towards the shack, which is very subtly
done. Ginny bars the door shut and starts looking around, as the
movie finally reveals what the sheriff was so disturbed by: an
impromptu, body-strewn shrine to Mrs. Voorhees featuring her severed
head as the centerpiece.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hey, that reminds me... how exactly did
Jason find Alice anyway? They never say where she was living, but I
always assumed it was a city far away from the local town because it
looked a lot more modern and bigger from the few establishing shots
we got of it. Locating her surely would have involved being able to
read a phone book or a newspaper, something Jason DEFINITELY has
never learned how to do. He can't drive either, so one has to assume
he walked the entire distance from the woods to Alice's house
carrying his mom's head along with him. Bet that thing was smelling
pretty ripe seeing as how it's summer and all. No one noticed a huge
psychopath with a burlap sack over his head walking through the city?
I know city folk are known for being callous and jaded, but even
that sight should have set off a couple alarms.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Jason begins to break down the shoddy
door with a pickaxe, Ginny noticing there's a sweater lying in front
of Mrs. Voorhees' head. She puts it on and PRETENDS TO BE HIS MOTHER
when he finally smashes his way inside finally. Ginny is fucking
amazing! That is, by a million miles, some of the most clever
thinking to EVER grace the silver screen. She tells him what a good
boy he's been and how he can stop now, the scene transitioning to
Jason's perspective where he actually sees Mrs. Voorhees (Betsy
Palmer in all her glory) talking to him. She gets him to lower his
weapon and is about to stab him with a machete she found on the altar
when Jason sees his mom's severed head behind her and snaps out of
his trance.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He is about to attack when Paul runs into the room,
somehow not dead. They wrestle again, THIS TIME Ginny doing
something and bringing the machete deep into Jason's collarbone. He falls to the ground dead, Ginny
undoing his bag to look at his face but we don't get to see it. Paul
carries her back to the piss cabin to console her, but this is
interrupted by a noise right outside the door. He grabs the remains of Jason's
pitchfork and carefully opens the door to reveal... Muffins, Terri's
missing dog?! Huh? Relief washes over them as happy music begins to
play, just in time for a maskless Jason to JUMP THROUGH THE FUCKING
WINDOW behind Ginny, machete still embedded in his torso. He grabs
her as things fade to white, fading back in to medics loading her
into an ambulance while she asks where Paul is. Wait, what? The
film's final shot is of Mrs. Voorhees' head on the altar, which does
NOT open its eyes despite every indication given that it would
because it's obviously a person in makeup.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What the fuck happened there?! Well,
it all depends on what you want to go with. In official movie
continuity, this whole sequence was a dream Ginny had after leaving
the cabin with Paul, intentionally designed to echo how the first
movie ended with a big fakeout. However at the time there was no
sequel planned, so this ending was supposed to have happened for
real. The script was left “intentionally ambiguous”, which is
just fancy talk for they really had no idea how to end it. Mrs.
Voorhees' eyes WERE meant to open at the very end, but they decided
against it at the last second because it would be too silly. They
say that NOW, but looking ahead to some of the earlier films this
would have been among some of the more sensible moments of the
franchise.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A lot of people like to point out how
similar this is to the first film and they're are absolutely correct,
with a lot of it done on purpose. The biggest difference here is
that, barring a short stretch in the beginning, the film is EXCITING
and doesn't put you to sleep. The very likeable Ginny gets the
majority of the screen time, and even the rest of the counselors
aren't THAT terrible of characters. Except for Terry and Scott, they
were pretty worthless. This is a sequel that improved on everything
to the point I consider it one of the better films in the series,
though it does lack the goofy fun that I much prefer. This is one of
the finest pure 1980s slasher films you'll ever see, boasting a huge
collection of timeless shots that constantly end up on “Greatest
Horror Moments” lists.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Amy Steel was a fantastic Final Girl,
more than able to hold her own against an overpowered serial killer.
She did start off a little rough and timid, but that's to be
understandable as I don't think any of us are going to be an action
star in that situation from the world “go”. I'm not even going
to hold pissing her pants against her, because she MORE than made up
with it a few seconds later by RUNNING AT JASON WITH A CHAINSAW.
There's Scream Queens, and then there's Scream “Motherfucking”
Queens. And hey, did you notice that she had premarital sex and
LIVED TO TELL THE TALE?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Critics hated the film of course,
though not as much as the first one. Audiences ignored the critics
and made it another huge hit, giving it a box office gross of twenty
times its original budget of one million dollars. This was nowhere
near the first film's gross of 60 million dollars, but it didn't
matter as this proved a franchise could very well be made out of
Jason's exploits. I give the film a very strong recommendation for
slasher fans, though I would advise having <i>Part III</i> in queue
afterward so you can make some sense of the ending. Even if you
aren't wildly into the genre I still think you could check it out
just to see a formula done to near perfection, this is like a time
capsule of the early 1980s fare.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Since this is the first official movie
to feature Jason, I thought I'd debut a variation of my </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Twilight%20Meter" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Twilight Meter,</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> the Massacre Meter!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">1. How Many People Did The
Villain Kill In This One?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Nine people. Some people like to
assume Paul died in the end, but since the next movie confirmed he
didn't as well as the fact we never see a body, the correct answer is
nine.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">2. What Was The Coolest Kill?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Mark taking a machete to the face,
easily. I probably would have gone with Jeff, Sandra, and Sandra's
breasts getting triple killed with a spear during sex, but since we
never saw it it's disqualified.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">3. What Was The Lamest Kill?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Scott somehow getting his throat torn
open with the blunt side of a machete.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">4. Did The Best Character Die?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
She did not, Ginny survived this one
with only a huge cut to her leg.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">5. Did The Worst Character Die?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Yes, creepy ass Scott did die.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><u><span style="font-family: inherit;">6. How Did The Villain Die In
This One?</span></u></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Jason didn't die in this one! He only
sustained a serious machete through the shoulder injury, but made it
to see the credits.</span><br />
<br />
<em><u>7. How Competent Was The Final Girl?</u></em><br />
Extremely! Not only was she an interesting character with a personality and wit, she survived a slasher film after having sex! There was rough spot when she didn't jump Jason when he first attacked Paul, but she was on point after that the second she got her hands on a magic chainsaw.Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-17266732139616337822015-03-13T05:53:00.005-06:002015-03-28T11:12:12.513-06:00A Ghoul Versus Friday The 13th Part II (Part 1)<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>Is it Friday the 13<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>th</sup>
already?! I swear we just had one last month!”</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-friday-13th-1980.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on Friday The 13<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>th</sup>...</span></span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">One of the most iconic horror franchise
of all time was kicked off with a TOTAL DUD, giving us one of the
most boring slasher films ever made. If it hadn't been for special
effects genius Tom Savini, it's doubtful the movie would have gotten
any attention and gone of to become the legendary piece of pop
culture that it has. The story itself wasn't much, the mother of a
child who died at a camp due to negligence comes back every time the
camp is reopened to kill people as a twisted form of revenge.
Eventually she kills everyone down to a Final Girl named Alice, who
kicks her ass AND cuts her head off for good measure.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And that's it, how in the world can
they drag a sequel out of THAT? The villain is dead and there is
absolutely NO supernatural elements in this, so she ain't coming
back. The main brains behind the film, director Sean S. Cunningham,
screenplay writer Victor Miller, and Savini all shared this thought
process and moved on to other projects. Steve Miner, who helped
produce the first film, was promoted to director due to his knowledge
of the inner workings of all things <i>Friday the 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup>.
He brought back much of the film's original crew, including the
cinematographer and editor to ensure it'd maintain the consistency
already established.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The keeping it in the family tradition
also extended to the sequel's new writer, Ron Kurz, who actually did
some rewriting of Victor's script from Part 1. Phil Scuderi, one of
the studio producers, assisted in the writing and is the one who came
up with the idea of how to continue the story. The very, very, VERY
confusing and nonsensical idea that to this day illustrates story was
not the focus of the series. We're going to have some fun with this
one as we try to figure out what the hell is going on, so pack your
bags because it's time to return to Camp Crystal Lake in <i>A Ghoul
Versus Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><i> Part II</i>!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open just like the last film did,
with a Point-of-View shot of someone walking towards a house at
night. Only it cuts to a side view of his feet walking, which really
contradicts the first shot. In case you have any doubt who this
figure might be, an ominous remix of “ki ki ki, ma ma ma” is
playing, except “ma ma ma” must be on a smoke break because all
we get are “ki's”. The film returns to the POV shot, the figure
looking to the upper floor of the house where a light is on. We
transition into this room, where we see the occupant is one Alice
Hardy, our tough as nails Final Girl from the last movie. She's
currently in the middle of a nightmare involving stock footage of her
horrifying encounter with Mrs. Voorhees, and this goes on FAR too
long.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This extended flashback also includes
her dream of being dragged into the lake by Young Jason, so we are
now officially on some <i>Inception</i> shit here. This is NOT a bad
thing however if it leads to Jason throwing down with Tom Hardy.
Aww, too late, she's awake. OR IS SHE? No, she is. Alice spends
the next few minutes walking around her house in some nice single
take shots that are literally the only interesting thing of note. No
one will ever accuse these first two movies of being
excitement-fests, that's for sure. When she gets a phone call with
no one on the other line she begins to get suspicious, ESPECIALLY
when the dramatic music kicks in. Harry Manfredini was another of
the filmmakers to return for this chapter, a huge boon as his music
was one of the best parts of the original.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She hears a noise come from her
kitchen, finding the window there is now wide open. She grabs an ice
pick that JUST HAPPENS to be lying on the counter- you know, why are
ice picks a thing in movies? Who the hell was a need for an ice pick
in this day and age of ice cube trays and advanced refrigerators?
Sure, this was 1981 but I'm PRETTY sure ice cube trays existed back
in those dark days. Alice caaaaaaaarefully and slooooooooowly peeks
out the window, only to walk straight into a CAT JUMP SCARE! Hahah,
fuck you movie! Eleven minutes in and that's how it's going to be,
huh? </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I can't be too mad over this one however, because if you freeze
frame the movie just right you can see the hand of someone throwing
the cat into the kitchen. Alice opens her fridge to get her asshole
cat some food when she finds the severed head of Mrs. Voorhees
inside. She starts screaming because she forgot to shrink wrap it
and now it's going to go all bad, but then someone grabs her from
behind and SHOVES THE ICE PICK INTO HER TEMPLE. Well shit, there
goes one of the stronger Scream Queens you're ever going to see from
this era. This was HUGE back in the day, as killing off Final Girls
in the opening of sequels wasn't a thing yet.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alice's unfortunate death kicks us to
the opening credits, where a young trio consisting of Jeff, Sandra,
and Sandra's breasts pull into the town from the first movie. The
movies have never said the name of the town, but it's somewhere in
New Jersey. In real life it's called Blairstown, and has become a
HUGE attraction for <i>Friday the 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup> fans.
Nearby Camp Crystal Lake is the fictional name of Camp NoBeBoSco,
which still operates to this day as a Boy Scout Camp. As they park
their truck, we can see they're being watched by our old friend
Ralph, who looks as crazy as ever. Jeff gets out to use a payphone,
Ralph coming up to them and blabbering more of his patented
gibberish.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">There is a fun sight gag going on in
this shot, as the entire time a tow truck parks in front of Jeff's
truck and begins to tow it away. He doesn't notice until it's too
late, trying to chase it down the street but the tow drunk driver
ignores him. But it turns out this was all a prank being played by
Jeff's friend Ted, whom I'm pretty sure is going to be our jokester.
The three load up Ted's gear and begin driving to nearby Crystal
Lake, where they'll be attending a counselor training camp, which is
near the so called “Camp Blood”. The camp is being run by a man
named Paul Holt, and HOLY SHIT is there a lot of counselors here.
ROLL CALL!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-Terry, who may as well be naked for
all the clothes she's wearing. Wonder if she survives to the end?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-Vickie, who... uhh... is wearing a red
shirt?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
-Scott, who is the “cool guy”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
-Mark, who is in a wheelchair</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
-and the rest who don't get
introductions. What, is Jason going to take them out with a bazooka
all at once or something?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A latecomer to the party is Ginny, who
is Paul's assistant and girlfriend. Of this entire bunch, Ginny's
actress Amy Steel is the only one to ever do anything else really
noteworthy, and that was a starring role in the 1986 slasher classic
<i>April Fool's Day</i>, which I'll ABSOLUTELY be reviewing next
month. It is a shame she never really broke out, as she is one of
those rare people just bursting with charisma and personality, a
sharp contrast to everyone else we've met so far. It doesn't hurt
that she is stunningly gorgeous as well. That night at the camp fire
Paul tells everyone about the legend of Jason Voorhees and how his
body was never recovered from the lake, leading many to think he's
still alive out there in the woods somewhere. Everyone gets really
into his tale, which is just Scuderi trying his damnedest to sell us
on the plot.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's a simple question that has been
asked millions of times, and is certainly one I myself asked when I
first saw this as a young lad: WHY IN THE HELL WOULD JASON HIDE FROM
HIS MOTHER?! She was all he had, and he clearly loved her since he
went to the trouble of tracking down Alice to gain revenge, so why
would he not tell his mother he's still alive? I talk about
plotholes all the time in my reviews, but this is one of the finest
examples I could ever give. I know in the grand scheme of things it
doesn't matter in the slightest since with the next movie death and
reality no longer apply, but at this point we are still very much
down to Earth.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But let's say for whatever reason,
Jason didn't seek out his mom. She was pretty fucking scary, maybe
he was afraid of her. So how is it she never found HIM? He's been
living out in the woods for the past 30 years, this big, hulking
brute who isn't exactly the sharpest blade in the knife collection,
how was he able to be so stealthy? Remember, Mrs. Voorhees knew the
woods like the back of her hand and was constantly monitoring the
area to kill people. During Paul's scary story he mentioned people
have seen Jason lurking around, you mean to tell me she was never one
of them?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As always with any hugely popular
thing, the fans have come up with their own theories. One of the ore
popular ones that KIND of works is that Jason arose from the dead to
avenge his mother, but if that's the case why didn't he come back as
the little boy that he was? The power of vengeance was not only
enough to resurrect him, it added a good five feet and 300 pounds to
his frame as well? Decomposed tissue known for being able to support
that much healthy growth? Yeah yeah, the power of magic or whatever.
I've never put much stock into this theory for reasons we'll see
later on, but out of all the ones I've read it is the one that
“works” the best.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Paul puts the finishing touches on his
story, Ted suddenly running out in a mask and scaring the shit out of
everyone. Hahah, I actually like Ted. He has a very unique sounding
voice and unlike the 99% of all comic relief in horror films, is
ACTUALLY kind of funny. Everyone retires to their cabins for the
night, Ginny getting another jump scare by Paul, who sneaks into her
cabin. They start making out, being watched by Ralph, who really
needs to get a fucking life. Literally, because SOMEONE sneaks up
behind him and strangles him out with a piece of barbed wire. So
long Crazy Ralph, you added absolutely NOTHING to these movies!
Ginny wakes up in the morning after having sex with Paul, so I guess
that means she'll be dead soon.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Staying true to form, the film begins
to spin its wheels here. Many shots of our future victims follow as
they frolic and have fun, while SOMEONE with a “ki ki ki” theme
sound watches them from the woods. We get it, thank you. Of all the
horror cliches involved in the slasher genre, this is by far my most
hated: the “getting to know the cast” part. I don't have a
problem with them due to lack of bloodshed, but it's because these
people are NEVER interesting. As they years went on, filmmakers
started getting the idea our heroes should actually have a
personality and get a better story focus, but early on it is ROUGH.
We cut between multiple people, no one gets anything to say or do,
and most of them you WANT to see get killed because they're so
annoying.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sandra and her breasts, who are
fascinated with the off-limits Camp Crystal Lake, finally talk Jeff
into taking them to go visit it. On the path they find the grisly
remains of Terry's little dog which had gone missing earlier, which
might be another <i>Halloween</i> “allusion” as Michael Myers
killed a dog in that movie. They don't make it to the camp however,
as they get caught by a local sheriff who I think took exactly ONE
acting class to prepare for this role. He drags them back to Paul,
warning him to keep his counselors away from the condemned area. The
cop drives away, startled when a a figure with a bag over his head
runs out in the road ahead of him. He brings his car to a screeching
halt and takes off after the figure into the woods, which is easily
the best idea ever.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What's interesting here is the figure-
you know, fuck it,YOU know he's Jason, I know he's Jason, we're
calling him Jason- is actually RUNNING. Sure as hell don't see that
too often in this genre. The sheriff quickly loses him, but does
find his apparent home out in the woods: an extremely decrepit
looking shack. He explores the small area, opening a door and
staring in disgust at what he sees inside. We don't get to see what
he's looking at though, as Jason sneaks up behind him and puts the
claw-side of a hammer through the back of his skull. Figures of
authority getting hammers in the back of their head must have been a
meme back in 1981, because five months later <i>Halloween II</i>
would do the EXACT same thing with a security guard.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Back at the camp, we finally learn how
the film is going to deal with this overly large cast of people: most
of them are heading into town to party, leaving behind only
characters who have gotten a name. THAT'S convenient. Terry decides
to go skinny dipping in the lake and gets naked, but that almost
feels redundant considering how scantily clad she's been so far.
Scott, who is more of a creep instead of the cool guy, steals her
clothes and plays keep away with them when she gets out of the water.
She chases him through the woods, where he unknowingly walks into a
snare trap and is suspended high in the air. She goes to get
something to cut him down with, leaving him nice and alone for Jason
to slit his throat... with the DULL end of a machete. Oops!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Terri returns to find him dead, going
hysterical as she turns around to see- SCENE CHANGE! We go into town
where Ginny, Paul, and Ted joined the no-names for a night out on the
town, where Scuderi throws out more exposition for his inane plot by
having Ginny speculate Jason MUST have seen his mother get killed.
THEN WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T HE DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? Especially when
Alice just left herself completely defenseless to go sleep in a
canoe. This gives us everything we need to know about Jason's
motivations in explicit detail, even though, y'know, we kind of
already figured that out in the opening scene with Alice. Next!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Things gets REALLY 1980s up in this
bitch as Sandra and her breasts take Jeff upstairs to have sex, while
Vickie tries to get Mark to smoke some pot with her. GODDAMN! Why
don't you all just save yourselves the trouble and put shotguns in
your mouths right now?! Vickie goes to her cabin to pretty herself
up for a night with Mark, but is gone so long he goes looking for
her. He wheels to the edge of the porch, calling her name when he
gets a machete RIGHT IN HIS FACE! BRUTAL! An awesome shot of his
wheelchair rolling backwards down the stairs shifts to Jason in a
bizarre edit. Jason sneaks upstairs where Jeff, Sandra, and Sandra's
breasts are in bed and earns a rare triple kill by running them
through with a spear.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We sadly don't get to see much of this
kill, as the scene was heavily edited to secure an R rating. That
applies to a lot of this movie, as nearly ever instance of
bloodletting was pared down. Fans have been asking for an unrated
cut to be released for years, but it appears all of the footage has
been lost to time. Vickie, who shockingly isn't dead, goes upstairs
to check on them when she can't find Mark. She instead finds Jason,
and you can very likely guess where this is going. The kill is one
of the more famous ones, as it's done with a first person shot of
Jason holding up his knife as he advances towards the screaming
Vickie. We also get our first full shot of Jason during this, who is
wearing a white bag over his head with an eye hole cut out. A far
cry from his traditional hockey mask look, but we're getting there...</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-43934582937474378862015-03-11T16:00:00.006-06:002015-06-02T23:40:00.763-06:00A Ghoul Versus The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/03/a-ghoul-versus-hunger-games-catching.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on the Hunger Games: Catching Fire...</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Katniss' life continued to redefine
suck. After barely surviving an arena battle to the death where she
was hunted like sport, she returned home to her crapsack district to
live with her newly developed case of PTSD. Peeta was no help as she
broke his heart by revealing she never loved him and faked the whole
thing for the cameras, so now she has that hanging over her head as
well. The fun didn't stop there though, because President Snow has
come to hold her personally responsible for the growing rebellion in
his fragile dictatorship.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Utilizing one of the biggest “fuck
yous” EVER, he threw her back into the next Hunger Games event so
she'd finally be out of his epically white hair. Things didn't quite
work out as he planned, because not only did she survive but she was
rescued by a band of rebels. Even though he was able to prevent
Peeta from escaping with her, this wasn't enough so he had District
12 bombed back into the Stone Age.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>The Hunger Games</i> novel, 374
pages. Adapted into a 142 minute film.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Catching Fire</i> novel, 391 pages.
Adapted into a 146 minute film.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Mockingjay</i> novel, 390 pages.
Adapted into TWO films, the first one being 123 minutes and the
second likely to be at least that long.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">YEP, even an extremely high quality
franchise like <i>the Hunger Games</i> isn't immune to “Split the
Final Book Into 2 Movies” syndrome. <i>Harry Potter</i> kicked off
this madness back in 2010, and when it proved to be financially
successful beyond anyone's dreams, the doors were kicked open for
good. Twilight was soon to follow and it added a touch of innovation
in the form of making the movies PADDED OUT AS HELL. I suppose one
COULD make the case <i>Harry Potter</i> did this as well since the
first film is basically an hour of the Power Trio camping, but that's
a story for another day. The Hunger Games was next in line to <span style="font-style: normal;">adopt
this free money trend, and DAYMN did it ever work as </span><i>Mockingjay
Part 1</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> became the highest
grossing film of 2014, although it JUST lost that title to American
Sniper and its 2015 staying power.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">As I
pointed out in my book-to-movie comparison above, there was
absolutely NO reason for </span><i>Mockingjay</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
to be split in two besides the extra money it'd bring in. This is a
sinister money grabbing scheme Hollywood is foisting on us, and it's
not going to stop anytime soon as <a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-divergent-series.html" target="_blank">Divergent's</a> </span><span style="font-style: normal;">third
and final book, </span><i>Allegiant</i><span style="font-style: normal;">,
is also going to be two parts. But hey, why should book adaptations
have all the fun? What about other genres, like superhero films? Oh
sweet, the third </span><i>Avengers</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
movie is also getting cleaved in two to maximize profit! Where's
this going to stop? Disney animated films? Rom-coms? What about
found footage movies? How great will </span><i>Paranormal Activity:
I Think That Chair Moved, NO SRLSY BRO IT MOVED Parts 1</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
and </span><i>2</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> look on a
theater marquee?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Enough
with this negativity, let's look at the bright side of this trend.
We get to see more Jennifer Lawrence kicking ass! You gotta find
that silver lining, folks. Director Francis Lawrence returned to the
chair for this movie, so we're already guaranteed it's going to look
great and flow from scene to scene. New writers were brought on
board to write the screenplay in the form of Peter Craig and Danny
Strong. Craig is recently new to the Hollywood scene, turning his
talents to the big screen after writing black comedy novels. Strong
is one of the fastest rising talents in the industry as of late,
originally beginning as an actor (remember him in the second </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/04/a-ghoul-versus-prophecy-ii.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Prophecy</span></a></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
film?) </span><span style="font-style: normal;">but
then turning to screenwriter. He wrote the CRITICALLY acclaimed
script for Lee Daniels' The Butler, so between that and conquering
the box office with Mockingjay it looks like there's nothing he can't
pull off. He'll still always be little Jonathan from </span><i>Buffy
the Vampire Slayer</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> to me though,
which is in NO WAY a sleight against him because that was a brilliant
character.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">This
is the first </span><i>Hunger Games</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
film that I haven't seen before, so if you couldn't tell from my
reaction to the first two films, I am anticipating this just a TAD.
Let's kick off the spark that ignites a rebellion, because it's now
time for </span><i>A Ghoul Versus The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1
And Wow Could This Movie Have Any More Words In The Title</i><span style="font-style: normal;">?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Before
we begin, I want to give the blu-ray edition of this movie a shout
out for having some fun with the trailers that precede the movie.
After hitting play, the disc kicks off with a title card reading
“Previews For Your Mandatory Viewing”, which very much fits into
the totalitarian nature of President Snow's reign. We get a trailer
for </span><i>Divergent's</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> sequel
</span><i>Insurgent</i><span style="font-style: normal;">, some TV
show called </span><i>Manhattan</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
that I've never heard of, and Blake Lively's latest attempt to prove
to us she can be a big star in the form of</span><i> the Age of
Adaline</i><span style="font-style: normal;">. To be fair though, the
movie does look intriguing so expect to see it grace these pages
later this year.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Another
interesting trailer was Johnny Depp's latest box office disaster,
</span><i>Mortdecai</i><span style="font-style: normal;">. Have you
even HEARD of this thing? Don't feel bad if you haven't, despite
featuring an all-star cast of Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Ewan
McGregor, it came and went earlier this year without making a ripple
and barely made back half of its sixty million dollar budget.
Critics were as unimpressed as audiences were, giving it a roaring
13% on Rotten Tomatoes and all but ensuring I'd be reviewing it when
it hits blu-ray.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Alright,
enough talking about future reviews, I still have a present day one
to finish! We open with a frantic Katniss hiding in a tunnel
somewhere, whispering the plot of the last movie to herself for all
the newcomers in the audience. Is that a thing? Who the hell is out
there that didn't see </span><i>Catching Fire</i><span style="font-style: normal;">?
Some guards come and find her, dragging her back to a hospital room
in District 13. She sneaks out again, drawn to the next room by the
sound of someone crying. We see it belongs to Finnick Odair, who
seems as broken as Katniss over the trauma they've endured. He
tearfully tells her Snow has captured his beloved Annie and taken her
to the Capitol to be held prisoner along with Peeta and Johanna.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Katniss
gets a visitor in the form of Colonel Boggs, the head of security,
who informs her she's being released from the hospital and is to meet
with the district's president. As they travel down an elevator,
Boggs gives us some quick backstory on the district since the
previous movie failed to give us anything on it. They're an
underground community of soldiers, who have not given up on their way
with the Capitol despite their upper facilities being destroyed. The
president of District 13 is Alma Coin, played by the best actress of
2014, Julianne Moore. That's only if you put stock into the Oscars
however, I personally don't as there is NO WAY Moore was better than
Rosamund Pike in </span><i>Gone Girl</i><span style="font-style: normal;">.
NONE.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Coin,
along with Plutarch and Beetee, want Katniss to become the Mockingjay
again and star in a series of propaganda clips (propops) they plan to
air in all the districts to spur everyone into taking up arms against
Snow. Katniss isn't hearing ANY of this though, because she's still
irate they didn't rescue Peeta when they crashed the arena. Katniss
angrily storms out, Coin confiding in Plutarch they SHOULD have left
her and rescued Peeta instead. Plutarch gives an eloquent defense of
Katniss, saying she will be the face of their rebellion and just
needs a little motivation. To that end, he talks Coin into letting
Katniss visit the remains of Distict 12. </span><span style="font-style: normal;">Along
with Gale, Katniss is flown to the bombed out wreckage of her home.
I guess it looks pretty bad, it's kind of hard to tell considering
how beat down it already was. Hell, the bombs MAY have improved the
décor of the place. No wait, scratch that, there are skeletons
EVERYWHERE. All joking aside, these provide for some horrifying
looking visuals including a shot where Katniss accidentally steps on
a skull before realizing what she's done.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Lo and behold though, her
house in the Victors' Village is still standing, which was absolutely
an intentional act on the part of Snow. She goes inside, grabbing a
bag and loading it with her remaining possessions. She is shocked to
find Buttercup is alive as well, adding the cat into her Bag of
Holding. She is even more shocked to find a white rose waiting for
her on a table, which is the symbol of Snow and always present on his
lapel. In the books they expounded on this a bit more by explaining
they were genetically engineered roses that constantly emitted a
floral scent to mask Snow's horrible breath caused by his constantly
bleeding mouth, but it still works here since we've at least seen him
always wearing a rose.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">What
doesn't work is the flower itself, because it's not dead. Was Snow
sending someone to her house every few days to change it out for a
new one? He had to have been, because it's been weeks since the
bombings and the flower looked freshly cut. If THAT'S the case, why
didn't he just plant some kind of bomb in the house since he knew
she'd eventually return to it? The pilot of the ship earlier
established that Boggs' soldiers had swept the entire area for signs
of the Capitol to ensure it was safe, but a man like Snow with
infinite technological resources surely could have devised SOMETHING
that would evade their sensors, right?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">She
returns to her new home, smuggling in Buttercup to give to Prim
before heading to the cafeteria to eat with Gale. Their meal is
interrupted by a broadcast from the Capitol, where Caesar Flickerman
is interviewing Peeta himself. Peeta implores everyone watching to
cease the rebellion, which does NOT go over well with the people in
the cafeteria as they begin to scream “traitor!” at his image.
After a pep talk from Prim, Katniss to visit Coin to make her a deal:
she'll become their Mockingjay if they rescue Peeta, Johanna, and
Annie, as well as giving the victors a full pardon for any preceived
crimes against the rebels. At first Coin refuses, but Plutarch talks
her into it based off how passionate Katniss is getting. This makes
Coin change her mind and agrees to Katniss' demands, including a last
second request to let Prim keep Buttercup.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">We get
a quick scene of Plutarch meeting with Effie, whom also made the trip
to 13. However this wasn't by choice and she is LESS than happy with
it, although she seems more concerned with the fact she no longer
gets to dress like Lady GaGa. Plutarch talks her into helping manage
Katniss in his upcoming propos campaign, which is a huge deviation
from the book. Effie was barely in </span><i>Mockingjay</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
at all, as she spent nearly the entire time in a Capitol prison cell
for suspicions of aiding the rebels. Here it looks like she'll be
replacing a woman named Fulvia Cardew, who was Plutarch's assistant
and helped Katniss do propos. This is followed up by Coin calling an
assembly to announce her plan to rescue the remaining victors from
the Capitol. She makes an offhand apology about the change in their
schedule and that everyone's time tables will be adjusted in
accordance to the delay, which hasn't been set up AT ALL so far.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">(Sing
it with me) In the books, the first few chapters were about Katniss
learning to adjust to life with the rebels. They were run exactly
like an army, even moreso as their entire day was planned out to the
minute and tattooed on their arms daily with non-permanent ink. This
caused much friction between Katniss and the higher ups, because
she's an individual who was become VERY MUCH used to her freedom and
the ability to do what she wants, when she wants. More importantly,
it set up an interesting “out of the frying pan and into another
frying pan” aspect of the book, as Katniss begun to learn the
rebels aren't necessarily the best people either. It was a fantastic
touch in Collins' narrative, and one I hope the movie DOES NOT skimp
out on. Especially considering they split the book in half, there is
no reason to cut ANYTHING from it.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The
propos are a complete disaster, as Katniss has to stand in front of a
camera and deliver inspiring speeches. They are magnificently
awkward, as this is SO not Katniss' bag, baby. Haymitch, who has
spent the past month in detox getting sober, wanders into this bout
of Megan Fox-level acting and suggests they need to try something
different. Bringing home Katniss' most powerful moments were
unscripted, he comes up with the idea of actually sending her into a
battle zone and filming her there. Beetee says they should send her
to areas where the carnage has ceased and the danger is minimal,
everyone agreeing this is the best idea.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">They
send her to District 8, which is pretty much a bombed out husk but
not to the extent of 12. Katniss meets the rest of her team,
Cressida, Messalla, Castor, and Pollux. Cressida is played by the
super badass Natalie Dormer, who has gained worldwide fame thanks to
her role as Margaery Tyrell in HBO's runaway hit </span><i>Game of
Thrones</i><span style="font-style: normal;">. Pollux's actor, Elden
Henson, is also set to get some greater fame with a co-starring role
in Netflix's upcoming original series </span><i>Daredevil</i><span style="font-style: normal;">,
though he's recognizeable as poor Lenny from the 2004 hit </span><i>the
Butterfly Effect</i><span style="font-style: normal;">. The other two
are played by relative unknowns, but I'm sure we'll see them again in
the future as these movies are kinda popular. Through conversation,
we learn Pollux is an Avox, something else the films have ignored
until now. One of the Capitol's bigger punishments for offenders was
to cut out their tongue and turn them into a servant called an Avox,
which actually was key to a few of the plotlines in the first two
books.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Landing
in 8, they meet with the leader of the forces holed up there,
Commander Paylor. She takes Katniss to a hospital to visit their
wounded, who are large in number. Everyone falls silent when they
see her, Katniss telling them she WILL fight with them. Her
appareance does not go unnoticed, as back in the Capitol Snow's
cameras capture her entering the district. He orders ships sent out
immediately, which target the hosital and bomb it to the ground
before Katniss can destroy them with the high tech bow Beetee made
for her. Livid at the deaths of all the innocents, Katniss delivers
a genuine and from the heart speech into Cressida's cameras, vowing
Snow will pay for this and that “fire is catching”. The Capitol
counters this by airing another interview with Peeta, where he's
drinking Snow's kool-aid even deeper now.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Gale
outright calls him a coward, wondering how he could possibly defend a
man that bombed his home. That's when Katniss realizes Peeta has no
idea what happened to 12, so flies there to do another propo. Gale
does the honours for this one since he was there to witness it first
hand, finally giving Liam Hemsworth something to do the entire series
besides be breathtakingly handsome and painfully look into the camera
while watching Katniss mack on Peeta. But then he's back to being
his old self by guilt tripping Katniss over their lack of a
relationship, because PRIORITIES! They take lunch by a lake, where
Katniss begins to sing a song called “the Hanging Tree” for
Pollux.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you
own a pair of functioning ears and have been anywhere near a radio
the past few months I'm sure you've heard this song, as it crossed
over and became a HUGE radio hit. It got as high as number twelve on
the Billboard Hot 100 and has sold over a million copies, even
garnering its own dance remix that was also a big hit. This is just
Jennifer Lawrence's world right now, and we're lucky to be allowed to
live in it. She can act up a storm, she can sing, she's hilarious,
and of course she's beautiful as the day is long, I don't know what
“it” is, but she has ALL of “it”. This new propo is played
to all the districts save the Capitol, as Beetee still can't hack his
way into their network. Help comes in the form of rebels from
District 5, who blow up a hydroelectric dam that provides the Capitol
wit their power.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The
movie has been cutting to battles in other districts from time to
time, which normally I'd accuse of helping stretch out the movie to
the all important two part length, but I'll give it a pass here since
it actually is world building. It's not like watching Bella and Edward </span><span style="font-style: normal;"><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-twilight-saga-breaking.html" target="_blank">dick around on their honeymoon</a> for half an hour. A third Peeta interview
follows this act, and this time he looks TERRIBLE as he's obviously
been beaten. He starts to shill for Snow some more when Beetee is
finally able to override their broadcast with the District 12 propo,
Peeta seeing it and warning Katniss the Capitol is on their way
before he's viciously dragged off camera. Coin orders everyone to
evacuate into the lower levels of the base, just in time too because
Capitol airships appear on their radar. They wait out the bombing,
Coin not wanting to launch a defensive effort for fear of revealing
their exact location.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In the
morning Coin asks Katniss to do another propo saying they survived
the attack without a single casualty, adding because of Peeta's
warning they had an extra eight minutes to evacuate her people to
safety. Katniss and team journey to the surface, finding it covered
in white roses admist the rubble. This shakes her to the core, as it
dawns on her Snow is just going to keep punishing Peeta every time
she appears on camera. She tells Cressida she can't do anymore,
retreating to her quarters. She is joined sometime later by
Haymitch, who tells her Coin has sent a team to go rescue Peeta and
the others, Gale among the first to volunteer. We cut between the
rescue team flying into the Capitol cut with a propo from Finnick
detailing the sins of Snow, finally telling us about his perchance
for poison and his bleeding mouth. Well, better than never I
suppose.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Snow
cuts into the feed they're using to monitor the extraction team and
taunts Katniss for awhile before revealing he knows all about the
rescue effort, cutting the signal because he's a dick like that.
Days of radio silence follow until finally Haymitch bursts into
Katniss' room to tell her they've returned. She runs into the medic
area to greet them, first seeing Johanna and Annie. Gale is there as
well, suspicious because the Capitol just let them go without a
fight. He gruffly points out a room adjacent to him, telling her
Peeta is in there. She enters, overjoy to finally be reunited with
the man she has come to love. Battered and bruised, he looks into
her eyes... AND THEN STARTS STRANGLING THE SHIT OUT OF HER!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Boggs
hears the commotion and knocks Peeta out, Katniss waking up in a bed
with the Colonel by her side. Peeta has been brainwashed, or
“hijacked” as they call it in this world. He's been conditioned
to want Katniss dead, which is why the Capitol let him out of their
grasp so easily. And that's pretty much it, Coin sends us out with a
speech announcing they're taking the fight to the Capitol while
Katniss watches a demented Peeta trash around in a bed trying to
break his restraints.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue
the credits, featuring a title card dedicated to Philip Seymour
Hoffman. RIP.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">This
is the first book adaption franchise I've reviewed where I've read
the books first and know what's going to happen, so I don't want to
spoil any of that with my thoughts on what we just saw. This movie
featured the series' proud tradition of superb acting and
storytelling, BUUUUUUT it was pretty much all set up. In the book,
the last scene of Katniss learning the details about Peeta's
hijacking took place on page 182, meaning </span><i>Mockingjay Part 2</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
is going to be based on 208 pages of story. It's not necessarily a
lot of story either, large parts of it devoted to action. Any other
series I'd be dreading that, but this is a production that has earned
by trust and respect, so I'm sure it'll all be very well done. It
was kind of surreal watching this though and subconsciously thinking
what I would have cut to make this a single movie, because it EASILY
could have been.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My
biggest problem with the split movie gimmick is none of them feel
like movies but are rather extended previews for the second half.
They're all setup, with almost nothing of consequence happening.
There's never a second that goes by where you think anything is going
to get resolved, which kills nearly all of the tension the resulting
actions should be inspiring. The worst part is these don't even end
on cliffhangers to make you anticipate the second half, they just
kind of end. One of my favourite games has been trying to guess
where the filmmakers are going to end the first movie, I've YET to
get one right because I've made the bizarre choice of picking where
the biggest cliffhanger would be.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This
movie I wound have ended it the second Peeta started strangling
Katniss, that was a bigger shock and certainly a better lead in to
Part 2. But no, let's explain everything that happened to Peeta and
end with Coin babbling about a whole lot of nothing. Not at least
ending the movie on an exciting note gives a cynical edge to the
whole affair, like the producers know you'll see the second one no
matter what so it barely even matters what happens. But again, I'm a
huge fan of these films so I won't say that was the case here.
Again, this was a high quality story in almost every aspect, and it
probably sounds like I'm being too hard on it when I was entertained
the entire time. I'd give this a recommendation if you're a fan of
the material, if not I would say wait until Part 2 is closer because
you WILL forget a lot of what happens between now and then since
there was so little.</span></span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-14722005005393024202015-03-08T22:01:00.001-06:002015-03-10T18:57:45.277-06:00A Ghoul Versus The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (Part 2)<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/03/a-ghoul-versus-hunger-games-catching.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here for Part 1!</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Thanks to Cinna's latest efforts,
Katniss and Peeta steal the show once again as their outfits burst
into flame and THIS TIME they look hella real. You can tell
Lionsgate really took the first film's special effects being ripped
apart by the critics personally since they nearly doubled the budget
for <i>Catching Fire</i> and does it EVER show. Post-parade,
Haymitch introduces them to District's 11 tributes: Chaff and Seeder.
Chaff greets Katniss by kissing her straight on the lips, the
resulting look on her face being PRICELESS. One almost has to wonder
if they told Jennifer Lawrence he was going to do that, or if she's
just that great at acting.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We're not done with the hilarious
introductions yet though, as one of the District 7 tributes, Johanna
Mason, gets on the elevator with the District 12 crew as they're
leaving. Johanna is played by Jena Malone, an excellent actress who
never seems to get the spotlight she deserves. Johanna talks about
how much she hates her stylist, throws some shade at Katniss, and
then strips naked in front of everyone. Peeta and Haymitch are ALL
SMILES while Katniss determinedly looks the other direction, probably
making her hands bleed with how tight her hands must be balled up
right now. Have I mentioned how much Jennifer Lawrence rules? I
don't think I have. JENNIFER LAWRENCE RULES.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a name='more'></a><br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They go to the
training center where they implement Haymitch's plan of making
allies, Katniss talking with Wiress and Beetee. Wiress is played by
Amanda Plummer, another great actress who has been getting steady
work since the early 1980s. We've met her once, WAY back in my
review of </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/04/a-ghoul-versus-prophecy.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the first Prophecy film</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">. We've also met Beetee's actor, Jeffrey
Wright, before as well. He was in </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-ghoul-versus-source-code.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Source Code</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, were he also played an extremely
intelligent guy lacking a bit of social skills. Wright was the
center of this film's particular casting controversy, as he is black
and Beetee in the book was... you know, I'm not sure. He was
described as having “ashen skin”, which really can apply to ANY
race. The online whining about Wright being cast was nowhere near as
vociferous as that surrounding Rue's actress Amandla Stenberg, but it
was still a thing. God, I hate fandom.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The two District 3 representatives are
a bit out there, but Katniss immediately notices how useful they are
when they are able to identify a near invisible forcefield around the
Gamemaker's lounge as well as figure out how the entire facility is
powered in a matter of moments. Mags also shows up on Katniss'
recruit list, as she is able to make incredibly detailed fish hooks
which would help them get food quickly. Mags is unable to talk, but
is able to communicate through facial expressions. Katniss is very
kind to her, as they both share volunteering to save a loved one.
Unfortunately, Peeta and Haymitch are less than impressed with the
tributes she wants to join with, as they imagined the younger and
stronger recruits.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When it's time for everyone to audition
their skill to the Gamemakers to get their ranking, Katniss is once
again the last to go. When she enters the room she sees Peeta has
painted a mural of Rue on the ground, which makes her tear up.
Steeling herself, she grabs a training dummy and paints “Seneca
Crane” on its chest, hanging it by a rope for the judges to see.
She does her patented sarcastic curtsey and storms out. This year's
batch of interviews on Caesar's show don't go as smoothly as they
have in the past, as all of the victors are very upset they have to
enter the Games again despite being told they would never have to.
They have no problem speaking their mind, because what have they got
to lose at this point?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Katniss enters her dressing room to
find Snow has decreed she wear the dress she was to be married in for
her TV time, Cinna telling her he's made some “alterations” to
it. As she waits backstage for her turn to walk out, her and Johanna
bond over their hatred of the President. The dress also bursts into
flames, but it transforms into a mockingjay-like costume complete
with wings. We see Snow watching this with disdain, scowling as
Cinna is appraised for his design genius. Well, it's been nice
knowing you Lenny Kravitz. Peeta's not one to be outdone when
appearing on Caesar's show though, as he drops the bombshell that not
only did they get married in secret, but Katniss is PREGNANT. BOOM!
This upsets the crowd greatly, who begin to yell for the Games to be
stopped. Peeta returns to the top of the stage where all of the
tributes are standing, the entire group holding hands as a sign of
solidarity, forcing Caesar to cut his broadcast short.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Afterward, Haymitch congratulates Peeta
on his latest stroke of genius. Effie gives Haymitch a gold bangle
and Peeta a gold necklace to go along with Katniss' gold pin, neither
of which I'm sure will be important despite the camera lingering on
both of them. Haymitch gives Katniss one last piece of advice before
she departs for the arena: remember who the real enemy is. Cinna
escorts her to the launching area, but there's a snag as her tube
doesn't start moving. Suddenly Stormtroopers burst into the room and
SAVAGELY beating Cinna to death, while she's helplessly trapped
behind the tube and forced to watch. Is Snow an utter monster or
what? It's not until they drag him away does her tube start rising,
putting her into the new arena. This year the Cornucopia is in the
center of a lake, all of the tributes standing around it on floating
platforms. Also new this year is Katniss' strategy, as she barrels
STRAIGHT for the center of death. She makes it there first and grabs
a bow and a quiver of arrows, about to shoot Finnick when he holds up
Haymitch's bangle to confirm he's on her side.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Grabbing Peeta and
Mags, they run into the nearby forest, which is now tropical instead of
wooded. They hack their way through the vines,
Peeta taking lead with his machete. A moment too late Katniss
notices the telltale shimmer of a forcefield, which electrocutes
Peeta and sends him flying. He isn't breathing, Katniss going out of
her mind as Finnick begins to perform CPR on him. This was another
of my favourite moments in the book, as Katniss wasn't familiar with
the procedure and thought for a moment Finnick was kissing him.
Collins' trilogy are full of neat little world building moments like
that, giving the impression she really put thought into her virtual
world unlike another certain author whom shall remain nameless.
COUGH COUGH sparkly vampires COUGH COUGH.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Peeta returns to life, a highly
emotional Katniss kissing him. For the first time ever, this does
NOT prompt a Gale reaction shot. They set up camp for the night, but
the peace doesn't last long as they get attacked by a lethal fog that
burns to the touch. Peeta, still weak from nearly dying, falls
behind and starts getting killed by the fog. Mags, who has been
riding on Finnick's back since she's unable to run, bids her foster
son goodbye and runs directly into the fog. This frees up Finnick to
carry Peeta to safety, the second straight time he's saved his life.
Peeta's going to owe him the birthday present of a LIFETIME.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They get to know the arena, a circular
area covered by a dome shaped forcefield, narrowing escaping another
trap in the form of mutant baboons. They eventually meet up with
Johanna, Wiress, and Beetee, the hot headed exhibitionist telling
Katniss she saved the tech geeks for her. Wiress isn't faring too
well, as she appears to be in shock and keeps saying “tick tock”
nonstop. In a bit of inspired thinking, Katniss is able to figure
out why she's repeating those two words: the entire arena is a round
area that operates like a clock, with every hour bringing a new trap.
Unfortunately this is Wiress' long contribution to the group, as she
gets killed during an attack by the Careers, who then escape back
into the jungle.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Beetee formulates a complicated plan to
electrocute the entire beach to take out the Careers, saying he'll
need six hours to prepare it. Katniss pulls Peeta aside as tells him
they need to leave the group once the Careers are dead, because then
they'll have to start turning on each other. Peeta talks about how
if he lost Katniss he'd have nothing, as he has no one else that he
cares about. Hmm, not even THAT FAMILY you mentioned earlier?! How
did the writers and editors of the movie miss this?! I expect
character motivations to change from scene to scene in something like </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-transformers-2007-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Transformers</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> or </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-ghoul-versus-amazing-spider-man-2.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the Amazing Spider-Man 2,</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> certainly not <i>the Hunger Games</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He gives her his necklace, which
contains photos of her family and Gale. She kisses him deeply while
the romantic music swells, and again we get no Gale reaction.
WHOO-HOO! Johanna cuts the tender scene short, announcing it's time
to begin the plan. Beetee ties a metal wire on a spool around a
tree, Katniss and Johanna charged with taking the rest of the wire
down to the beach while Peeta and Finnick stay behind to guard him.
At midnight lightning will hit the tree and generate enough energy to
send Marty back in ti- I mean, electrify the beach and take out the
Careers. They know this because lightning strikes this particular
tree every twelve hours as part of its clock-like mechanism.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The plan gets off to a bad start as
Katniss and Johanna get attacked by the Careers, getting even worse
as Johanna knocks Katniss out from behind. She lures the Careers
away, Katniss staggering to her feet and hiding when she hears
Finnick calling out for Johanna. Katniss returns to the tree,
finding only an electrocuted Beetee lying on the ground. She notices
he's tied the wire around a spear, but puts this out of her mind when
she hears a cannon go off. Finnick appears in the clearing, Katniss
about to shoot him when he echoes Haymitch's words back at her about
remembering who the real enemy is. She lowers her bow as the
lightning starts to queue up, suddenly grabbing the wire and wrapping
it around one of her arrows. She fires it into the sky at the
forcefield just as the lightning hits, creating a massive explosion
that scatters everyone.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Katniss, lying on the ground, looks up
to see the ceiling of the arena collapsing, a lone ship lowering down
and grabbing her with a giant claw. She drifts in and out of
consciousness, waking up next to a sleeping Beetee. She explores the
ship, stunned to see Haymitch, Finnick, and Plutarch talking shop.
PLOT TWIST! They're all part of a the rebellion forming against the
Capitol, and are on their way to District 13. Wait, 13? You mean
the district that was destroyed during the first rebellion that the
movies have never ONCE mentioned until now? The same 13 that was a
huge plot point of the second book? Oh, okay. It's not until
Haymitch confesses they were unable to rescue Peeta (and Johanna)
does Katniss go ballistic and begin punching him, but Plutarch knocks
her out with a syringe.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She wakes up for the ninth time to find
Gale at her side, her first thoughts about her family. He replies
that he got them out in time, which doesn't make sense to her.
Hesitantly, he tells her Snow had the entire district firebombed and
12 no longer exists.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.<br />
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Not only did <i>Catching Fire</i>
outperform the original financially, earning nearly 900 million
dollars this time around, it also fared even better critically,
scoring an 89% on Rotten Tomatoes. It became the highest grossing
domestic release of 2013 on its way to notching tenth highest earning
of all time. Highest grossing of 2013 is all the more impressive was
the fact it was the first 2D to do this since 2008, as all the other
films in meantime had the pumped up 3D ticket prices to artificially
inflate their numbers. This makes me very happy, as hopefully this
means the 3D fad is on the way out. The top two movies of 2014,
<i>Mockingjay Part 1</i> and <i>American Sniper</i>, were also both
2D so keep those fingers crossed!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This movie's far from perfect, but it's
also head, shoulders, torso, and abdomen above pretty much every
Triple A movie I've seen not featuring James Bond. I often talk
about NOT to do a sequel, this is your blueprint on how TO make a
sequel. They got way more right than wrong, as this is one of those
collaborative efforts where ALL gears were clicking. The skilled
direction, the dynamite script, and the steeped-in-effort acting, it
all came together to make one of the most enjoyable movies I've ever
seen. Very high recommendation here to everyone, even people who
normally avoid Young Adult movies like the plague.</span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-43992417099395508122015-03-08T21:54:00.004-06:002015-03-10T18:58:56.923-06:00A Ghoul Versus The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (Part 1)<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/03/a-ghoul-versus-hunger-games-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on the Hunger Games...</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark won
the 74<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>th</sup> Annual Hunger Games, won an arena style battle to
the death designed by a fascist government to keep all of its
citizens in place by constantly reminding them how helpless they are.
However, they did so in a defiant manner which drew the ire of
President Snow, Chief Fascist and part time Santa Claus. There's no
way he's going to let two uppity teenagers upset his balance of
power, so get ready for an overly elaborate plan that could have
easily been solved by JUST KILLING THEM.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Because really, when you think about
it, none of this makes any sense. Snow outright says he doesn't want
to kill Katniss because it'll just make her a martyr and inspire many
others to take her place, but this is neglecting one key detail. The
only districts that seem to have a problem with the Capitol are the
outlying ones, the ones filled with dirt poor workers who suffer the
most under Panem's jackbooted heels. HOW are they going to revolt?
They have no real technology and no real way to get to the Capitol
short of WALKING THERE, so there is no way to overthrow Snow that
way.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sure, they could just stop working and
producing the supplies the Capitol needs, but they have small numbers
and would be no match if Snow send his army of hovercraft and
Stormtroopers over there to resolve the stoppage. And on THAT topic,
what does a technologically advanced paradise like the Capitol need
COAL for anyway? That physical holographic technology of theirs run
off coal? In summary, Snow is a fucking idiot and is just begging to
be the cause of his own undoing, giving Katniss every weapon she
needs to do so.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Right. So <i>the Hunger Games</i>
kicked all kinds of ass, assuring a sequel to adapt the next book
would get greenlit faster than you could say CHA-CHING! Director
Gary Ross couldn't return due to commitments he had to other films,
so Francis Lawrence was chosen to take his place. Lawrence is
another in a long line of music video and commercial directors that
turned to film, scoring hits with <i>I Am Legend</i> and <i>Water For
Elephants</i>. The script was handled by acclaimed writer Simon
Beaufoy, who is best known for his award winning screenplays for<i>
the Full Monty</i> and <i>Slumdog Millionaire</i>. Beaufoy left the
film mid-production and even more acclaimed writer Michael Arndt was
brought in to do rewrites. Arndt only won Oscars for his first two
screenplays, <i>Little Miss Sunshine</i> and <i>Toy Story 3</i>, so
it's safe to say the script was in GOOD HANDS.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Something very interesting and sad I
found while doing my research on this movie is that it was the first
film since 1973's <i>the Exorcist</i> to lead the yearly domestic box
office while featuring a female lead. 1973? REALLY, America? That
actually gives me an idea for an article where I'll go through the
films of the past 42 years and see where box office hits featuring
female leads landed on the charts, so expect that one soon...ish.
That sounds like a lot of work. Especially when I have a movie about
Katniss to review first! Get ready to see how to do a sequel
PROPERLY as you settle in for <i>A Ghoul Versus The Hunger Games:
Catching Fire</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open with Katniss and the Lord of
the Hunks hunting for turkeys in the woods of District 12. Katniss
is about to fire on one when it turns into Marvel, the boy she shot
in the last movie. She begins to freak out, as she is obviously not
over the hell she endured in last year's arena as any NORMAL PERSON
wouldn't be. As I mentioned in my last review, this was my favourite
aspect of the trilogy: its realistic approach to a person's mental
state in the face of horrific events. Gale talks her down and they
return to the village, as Katniss has to get ready to leave in a
couple of hours for a Capitol-mandated “victory tour” of all the
districts on the eve of this year's Hunger Games.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Gale says he won't be accompanying her
to the train station, as it's obvious he's still upset about her on
screen romance with Peeta. Katniss assures him it was all an act she
put on to survive, Gale throwing caution to the wind and kissing her.
Looking most confused, she returns to her new home in the Victors'
Village, the section of the district assigned for past winners of the
Games. On the way she passes Prim's cat Buttercup, who has magically
transformed into a yellow tabby cat now. This was apparently done at the bequest of Suzanne Collins herself, who was bugged by them pointlessly putting a cat of the wrong colour in the role. She goes to Haymitch's house, who has fallen back
off the wagon because the new screenwriters realized his character
DOES work better as an alcoholic.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Peeta is also there, making for a very
awkward encounter with Katniss as at some point between the end of
the last movie and now she came clean about her loving him being a
lie. Gee, if only the movie had ended with him discovering that like
he was SUPPOSED to. After telling Haymitch to get ready for the
tour, she heads home only to find she has an unwelcome guest:
President Snow. She tries to engage him in pleasantries, but he
declares things will go so much smoother if they agree not to lie to
each other. In the book, this leads to one of my favourite scenes in
the entire trilogy, something I PRAY the fourth movie keeps in.
Katniss agrees to this, so he lays down the 411.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's basically a rehash of everything
Haymitch told Katniss at the end of the last movie, confirming that
her act of defiance with the berries has inspired talk of rebellion
in other districts. Katniss has a fantastic series of exchanges with
the President, as you can tell she is afraid of him but refuses to
give him the satisfaction of knowing that. Always keep your head
held high, that is the Katniss way. Snow threatens her with
destroying the entire district if she doesn't start playing ball,
which involves kissing the Capitol's ass while on her victory tour.
Donald Sutherland is magnificently threatening here, as he's taken
his increased relevance to the story and ran with it. He tells
Katniss she has to convince the districts the berry thing wasn't an
act of defiance, but rather just her being madly in love with Peeta.
On his way out, he shows Katniss a recording of Gale kissing her
because he's a dick like that.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Snow departs, Katniss' next visitors
consisting of Effie, Cinna, and assorted stylists. Here's a fun fact
I never realized until typing up by review of the first film: Effie
is never once named on screen. The cameras show up to give audiences
their reunion of Katniss and Peeta, which is very awkward as Katniss
is working her ass off to be happy and bubbly while Peeta is
basically channeling Bruce Willis getting interviewed by Chris Tucker
in <i>the Fifth Element</i>. They're rushed off to the hovertrain to
begin their tour, Peeta getting Katniss alone and saying he wants to
try being friends so things won't be so rough between them. It's a
much needed scene between the two, as we get to see them just be
themselves and talk with no life-or-death situation hanging over
their heads. Even though there IS, but Katniss chooses not to tell
Peeta about her little visit from Snow.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They arrive in District 11, which is
MUCH worse than life back home. District 11 is an agricultural
community full of armed Stormtroopers and barbed wire fences, where
the works toil in the fields all day. The majority of the population
appears to be black, which I'm sure pissed off a certain percentage
of the fandom to no end. #KeepHungerGamesWhite! Unless... Suzanne
Collins was going for, oh I don't know, some kind of social
commentary on fascism and racism in her novels. Hmm. They have to
give a speech to the gathered district honouring Rue and Thresh,
Effie giving them cards containing generic words. Peeta quickly
goes off script and delivers a moving tribute to the fallen
teenagers, Katniss joining in and doing the same.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This only serves to inspire the crowd,
an elderly man doing the three finger salute after she gets done
speaking. Stormtroopers rush into the audience and grab him,
shooting him pointblank in the back of the head. THAT escalated
quickly. Katniss and Peeta are dragged inside a building, where
Haymitch takes them upstairs to yell at them for their improvised
words. Katniss finally comes clean about Snow, Peeta outraged that
she didn't mention any of that earlier. Katniss tries to tell him
she was only trying to protect her family, prompting him to mention
that HE has family too. Remember this line class, there will be a
test later. Haymitch says the only way to get through this is by
acting as the Capitol's puppets, but the following montage of them
traveling district to district shows it's too late and the damage has
been done. The natives are getting restless, each stop getting more
and more violent. This is fine for the movie I suppose, but in the
books it never made much sense as they clearly said the closer
districts to the Capitol were very much behind the regency.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Katniss comes up with the idea of Peeta
proposing to her on Caesar's show, which naturally is followed up
with a reactionary shot of Gale. OH PLEASE, enough with the fake
love triangle. Gale is as vital to this story as Teresa was in </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-maze-runner.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the Maze Runner.</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Quick, name ONE THING she did the
entire movie! No? Don't feel bad, I couldn't either. Anyways, the
tour finally ends and they're in the Capitol, the guests of honour at
a lavish party being thrown by Snow. It is there Katniss meets the
new Head Gamemaker, Plutarch Heavensbee, who is replacing Seneca
Crane and his unfortunate facial hair. Plutarch is played by the
late, great Philip Seymour Hoffman, who unfortunately died of a drug
overdose in the middle of shooting the final two <i>Mockingjay</i>
movies. He was a wonderful actor who went way before his time, and
was a PERFECT choice to play Plutarch.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Plutarch asks Katniss to dance,
exchanging some brief words with her about the Games. This is one of
the major changes from the book, as there he showed her his watch
which had a holographic projection of the Mockingjay symbol on it.
He made a big deal of this, leaving Katniss puzzled as to why. Snow
enters the party and toasts the young lovers, although his speech is
clearly more veiled threats towards Katniss. In another “This
Scene Is Incomprehensible Unless You've Head The Books” moment,
Snow drinks a glass of champagne and backwashes a unhealthy amount of
blood into it. Does Snow have the world's most severe case of
gingivitis? No, in the books they explain how one of Snow's most
popular forms of assassinating his rivals is by poison, which he
himself drinks to avoid suspicion. He takes antidotes naturally, but
a lifetime of drinking poison has permanently fucked up his mouth and
it never stops bleeding. GUH-ross.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The tours ends and they return to the
district, Katniss catching surveillance footage of District 8 rioting
against the Capitol. When she gets home she seeks out Gale, telling
him about everything going on and her plan to run away. He declines,
because he is all about this rebellion movement. Stormtroopers roll
into the village led by the ruthless Commander Thread, who orders the
Hob burnt down just because life wasn't miserable enough around
there. Gale runs afoul of Thread and ends up getting whipped at the
new whipping center in the public square, Katniss and Haymitch
arriving to save him. They take him back to Katniss', where her
mother and Prim are suddenly highly trained medics? Oh right, they
cut that entire subplot out of the first movie so now it feels
HORRIBLY out of character. Especially Prim, who was this timid
little girl and is now talking like she's a doctor off of... uh,
whatever popular medical show is in vogue right now? Is <i>St.
Elsewhere</i> still on the air? How about <i>E.R.</i>, featuring
that young George Clooney guy?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Snow and Plutarch watch the footage of
the District 12 victors standing up to the Stormtroopers, Snow
bitching that they all think they're invincible now and need to be
stopped. Plutarch disagrees though, because he's getting a light
bulb over his head. We jump ahead a bit to Snow giving a press
conference, where he discusses the upcoming 75<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>th</sup> running
of the Hunger Games. Every 25 years they do something called a
Quarter Quell, which involves a tournament of extra special
significance. This year's is going to feature contestants consisting
of nothing but past victors, regardless of age. Katniss runs out
into the woods for a minor freakout, then, after composing herself,
goes to talk with Haymitch.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She tells him they HAVE to ensure Peeta
survives, Haymitch mockingly telling her that Peeta had already been
there an hour ago saying the same thing about her. He then drops one
of my favourite lines of the series, “You could live 100 lifetimes
and never deserve that boy.”. I've talked about how the removal of
Katniss' inner dialogue was the biggest flaw of the first movie
because it robbed us of her insights into everything, for this one I
would definitely say its biggest weakness is Peeta's limited
screen-time. We don't get the buildup for the character that he got
there, which has paved the way for endless “Katniss should have
chosen Gale over Peeta” jokes since Peeta hasn't made much of an
impact thus far.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Peeta flirted with being a messianic
figure in the books, he just exudes this poise and composure through
his words that made him one of my favourite fictional characters in
recent history. Pair him with how much I like Katniss, add a highly
compelling and well written story, and you can see why I love the
books so much. This dialogue with Haymitch is very effective, as it
helps to sell Peeta a lot more effectively than he has been so far.
The movie skips ahead to the Reaping, where even Effie herself is
less than pleased with the latest turn of events as she's come to
care for her tributes in her own fashion. Katniss and Haymitch are
picked, but Peeta quickly volunteers in his place. Haymitch,
honouring the pact he made with Katniss, tries to stop him but Peeta
ain't listening.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They're rushed to the train and taken
to the Capitol, Haymitch telling them the key to survival is finding
allies to team up with since a large portion of the contestants are
Career Tributes who have been friends for years. The movie has the
novel idea of actually naming some of the tributes this go around, so
let's see who we're going to be dealing with:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-Cashmere and Gloss, a supermodel
looking team of siblings from District 1 that won the games
back-to-back.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-Brutus and Enobaria, another Career
team from District 2. Enobaria is rather unique in the fact she had
all of her teeth filed into fangs for better throat ripping.
Styling!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-Wiress and Beetee, a pair of
hyper-intelligent tech geeks from District 3.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-Unnamed Guy and Unnamed Girl from
District 6. They're called the Morphlings due to their addiction to
said drug, which is a super-charged form of morphine.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-Finnick Odair and Mags from District
4. You KNOW Finnick is going to be important since he got a last
name, he's basically the superstar of Panem due to his rugged good
looks and political connections. Mags is an elderly woman who raised
Finnick, volunteering as tribute in place of Annie, the love of
Finnick's life. Although you wouldn't know that last bit that if you
didn't read the books, the movie just mentions Annie's name like we
TOTALLY know who she is.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And that's it for the field, even
though there's many more. I guess Haymitch was showing them the
deadliest threats, but then treated the Morphlings like a total joke
so I'm not really sure what the point was. The next scene has all of
the tributes getting ready for the parade, Finnick introducing
himself to Katniss is a rather oily manner. Finnick is played by
relative newcomer Sam Claflin, who has already landed choice roles in
the fourth <i>Pirates of the Caribbean</i> movie and <i>Snow White
and the Huntsman</i>. He also had a starring role in a little known
2014 horror film called <i>the Quiet Ones</i> that is near the top of
my queue because it sounds very interesting to me.</span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/03/a-ghoul-versus-hunger-games-catching_8.html" target="_blank">Click here for Part 2!</a></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-22569922307893887742015-03-05T15:29:00.001-07:002015-03-08T14:57:56.488-06:00A Ghoul Versus The Hunger Games (Part 2)<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/03/a-ghoul-versus-hunger-games-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here for Part 1!</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Katniss watches the carnage
unfold in a daze, as we see kids hacking and stabbing each other to
death. It's done with no sound effects and only a muted score,
making it all the more harrowing. She finally snaps back to reality
and runs into the nearby forest, grabbing a backpack along the way.
Twelve tributes die in the opening carnage, each death signaled by a
blast from a cannon. With nothing better to do, Katniss ties herself
high up in a tree and rests. This is where the movie is at its
weakest, as in the book we got several chapters of Katniss trying to
come up with a survival plan while she scavenged for food and water.
It was very captivating stuff, as it really allowed us to get into
her mind state and the desperation she was going through. Here, she
just hangs out in a tree.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She gets woken up that night
by some voices beneath her, as she sees a gang of career tributes has
banded together to take out everyone else. They're comprised of two
hulks named Cato and Marvel, two femme fatales named Glimmer and
Clove, and... Peeta?! Oh snap! The next day Seneca, who is watching
everything unfold via cameras hidden everywhere in the environment,
summons up a batch of flames to move Katniss back into competition.
She runs afoul of the pack, climbing a nearby tree to escape them.
Cato tries to climb after her but lacks her nimbleness, so the group
tries to shoot her down with arrows. However they all suck and miss
her, leading Katniss to taunt them. Hahah, in the face of
insurmountable odds she ain't backing down!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Peeta suggests they set up
shop and wait til she's forced to come down, because she can't stay
up there forever. The rest agree, and make camp for the night.
Morning comes and Katniss finds Rue is in a tree across from her,
gesturing at a gigantic wasp nest hanging in the branches above the
pack. I'd make a snide comment about how convenient that is, but
since we've seen Seneca can conjure things out of thin air to keep
the game moving, I'm giving this one a pass. Caesar, doing
commentary on the games along with the equally ridiculously dressed
Claudius Templesmith, announces those just aren't ANY wasps but
tracker jackers, lethal creations whose sting can cause
hallucinations in small doses, death in larger ones.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Katniss climbs over to the
branch and silently cuts it down, doing her best not to wake up the
pack despite getting stung numerous times. The hive crashes to the
ground and sends everyone scattering, except for Glimmer who is
unlucky enough to receive the brunt of the tracker jackers' wrath.
She gets stung into FUCKING OBLIVION, a tripping Katniss climbing
down the tree and having the wherewithal to pry to bow out of her
puffy hands. Peeta runs up to her and tells her to GTFO, making
absolutely no attempt to kill her despite her being completely at his
mercy. She takes his advice, but soon passes out from all of the
tracker jack venom in her system. She regains consciousness two days
later, finding out Rue has been taking care of her the entire time.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Rue tells her Cato's crew
has all their supplies in a small camp down by the lake, Katniss
cooking up a plan to raid it. She has Rue set a bunch of fires to
draw them away while she sneaks down, finding they've left one guard
behind. Before she can act, another tribute (nicknamed Foxface)
sneaks into the field and grabs some supplies of their own. The
entire area has been mined, but Foxface dances through all of them to
safety. The guards sees her and takes off in pursuit, leaving
Katniss free to set off the mines and explodinate everything in
sight. She returns to find Rue being attacked by Marvel, who stabs
the young girl with a spear before Katniss takes him out with an
arrow. She slowly dies in Katniss' arms, asking her to sing her a
song.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Katniss despairs over her
fallen friend, arranging flowers over her body and giving a three
finger salute to the cameras before leaving. We see the residents of
District 11 watching this over a giant TV screen in the center of
their village, returning the salute. This leads to a full out riot,
which wasn't present in the book but actually makes sense here in the
grand scheme of things as we'll see in the next movie. This is one
of the advantages to filming a movie series AFTER the books have all
been published, you can insert foreshadowing to great effect. But
you can also stick in flat out WEIRD scenes, like the next one of
Haymitch trying to sell Seneca on the idea of making the competition
all about the “love” between Katniss and Peeta. Why the hell is
Haymitch even allowed to talk to Seneca? Better yet, why would
Seneca listen to him?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is made even more
batshit crazy when Seneca brings this idea up to President Snow, who
warns him against it so he does it anyway. WHAT THE FUCK. There's
been several Snow/Seneca scenes in the movie, and they're all weird
as hell. They barely add anything to the film, I guess Snow's actor,
the legendary Donald Sutherland, had to have SOMETHING to do since he
was barely in the book. Seneca's grand idea is to announce to the
arena they're amending the games and there can now be TWO victors as
long as they're from the same district. Thinking of Peeta, Katniss
goes looking for him... and finds him within a minute. That's, um,
pretty fucking impressive.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I should amend that, he
finds her in a manner of speaking, as he has- deep breath here-
painting himself to blend in with the rocks on the ground. I don't
even... sure, they're being ONE HUNDRED PERCENT loyal to the book
here, but is that a good thing when that was stupid as hell in the
first place? Discounting how he had the time to paint himself up in
such an elaborate manner, WHY did he do this? What was his endgame?
Was he just planning on lying out in the open for the rest of the
tournament instead of trying to find a cave or something to hide in?
Did he KNOW Katniss was going to magically find him? Bah! Stupidity
is stupid.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Peeta has a nasty gash in
his leg, Katniss taking him to a cave to hide. WOW, she really
thinks outside of the box, this one! What's the matter, they
couldn't find some mud to go lie in? Oh by the way, did you forget
that this is a Young Adult movie? Katniss suddenly remembers and
kisses him on the cheek, so NATURALLY we cut to Gale back at home
watching this and looking agonized. LOVE TRIANGLE IN THE
MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE! Wow, it's been a LONG time since we've had one
of those, eh? A strange tone begins pulsing outside, Katniss
investigating and finding a gift from a sponsor. Inside is a note
from Haymitch that says “You call that a kiss?”, along with a
bowl of soup. She goes back inside to feed it to Peeta, where he
tells her about how he's had feelings for her since the moment he
first saw her.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Another announcement rings
out, saying at sunrise the Cornucopia will have a “feast”,
containing something that each contest desperately needs. Katniss
concludes this will include medicine for Peeta's leg, readying up her
gear to go get it. Peeta tries to stop her so she kisses him full on
the lips, the movie instantly cutting back to Gale. Hahah, oh <i>Hunger
Games</i>... He eventually falls asleep and she sneaks out, finding
the Cornucopia has four backpacks on table, each labeled with a
number of the remaining districts: 2, 5, 11, and 12. Foxface runs
out and grabs 5 with no fanfare so Katniss attempts the same, only
she finds Clove not too far away. They get into a vicious looking
brawl, Clove gaining the upper hand and slitting Katniss' throat. No
wait, that's what she SHOULD have done. Instead, she remembers her
Bond Villain training and begins to monologue.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">On hour five of her
megalomaniac rant, Thresh, the other tribute from District 11 shows
up and- hold on. THRESH IS ALSO BLACK?!? FUCK THIS MOVIE SO HARD!
I'm so sick of it ruining all these characters by making them-
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">The boy tribute from
District 11, Thresh, has the same dark skin as Rue...</span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-nevermind, carry on.
Thresh grabs Clove and BRUTALLY smashes her head against the side of
the Cornucopia to kill her. That is something I haven't mentioned
yet, this is one of the hardest PG-13 movies of the last decade. In
this world of school shootings and 9/11 where movies get censored for
the most moronic things imaginable, it's even a miracle this movie
got made since most of these characters are YOUNG teenagers, let
alone the fact most of their killing takes place fully on camera.
Ross directed this with utmost class, letting the savage actions of
the contestants speak for themselves without glorifying it or making
it too gratuitous like a lesser director surely would have done.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Thresh does not kill Katniss
however, saying he's letting her live this one time “for Rue”.
Katniss takes her backpack and returns to Peeta, applying the
medicine and falling asleep next to him. In the morning his wound
has almost completely healed, all of the infection it was causing
gone. They talk about how they're going to win this thing and go
home together, which is lacking one of the biggest narratives from
the book. See, the entire time Katniss was trying to put on a show
for the sponsors by buying into Peeta's story and faking falling into
love with him. She was torn about it, as she slowly began to develop
genuine feelings for him, which again gave us a very personal
connection with her. Here, it seems like she is simply falling for
him with none of the machinations she attempted in the book. You
could make the case all of this was due to Haymitch's note, but it'd
be one VERY weak case.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They go out to forage for
food, Katniss going hunting while Peeta picks berries. When she
hears a cannon go off she freaks out and goes running to find him,
relived when he's still standing. She slaps the berries out of his
hand he was holding, telling him they're toxic nightlock berries.
They discover the cannon was for Foxface, who made the mistake of
sampling some of the berries Peeta had already picked. That only
leaves us with Cato and Thresh still out there, Katniss bringing some
berries along with her in case Cato is a fan of them. Whoops, spoke
too soon. Just Cato remains, because another cannon blast signals
Thresh has met his end.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cato isn't the only danger
out there though, as they get attacked by mutant CGI dogs that shrug
off Katniss' arrows. They make it to the Cornucopia, climbing on top
to get away from the <i>Resident Evil</i> rejects. Ah, THERE'S Cato!
That all worked out marvelously well. After a short battle Katniss
shoots him off the roof and into the pack of dogs who begin to devour
him, our heroine firing one more arrow at him to put him out of his
misery. Well hey, that's that, right? The 74<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>th</sup> Annual
Hunger Games are done, and for the first time we have two win-
PSYCHE! One more announcement rings out, saying they were just
kidding about that whole dual winners thing and now one of them has
to die. Peeta tells her to shoot him, but she's all “fuck that!”
and pulls out the berries.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Claudius hastily cuts in
over the intercom and implores them to stop, declaring them the
winners of the event. With the credits looming, the film goes
through a rapid fire succession of scenes. Haymitch warns Katniss
that Snow is going to be livid at her for showing him up with her
berry stunt, coaching her on what she should say for their upcoming
interview on Caesar's show. Seneca gets led by two guards into a
room that he is locked, finding it empty save a bowl of the nightlock
berries. Katniss and Peeta return to the train, taking it to an
uncertain future where the Erudite are surely planning more mischief
to fuck with the Dauntless- wait, </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-divergent-series.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I think I already made that joke somewhere else</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">. The two arrive in District
12 to a hero's welcome, while Snow ominously watches them on a
monitor.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits, set to the
Arcade's Fire SUH-WEET track “Abraham's Daughter”.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I DESPISE that ending,
because it's BY FAR the most “Hollywood” change of the entire
story. In the book Peeta learns that nearly everything Katniss did
after finding him was a show for the sponsors, giving it a
magnificently beautiful downer ending. Peeta believed every word and
action she did was because she shared his feelings, and when he finds
out she didn't at his utmost happiness is what I call a PERFECT
ending. Life never works out that way, despite what so many of these
Young Adult stories would have you believe. Suzanne Collins' entire
trilogy is a deconstruction of these tropes and by-the-numbers
structures, which is why I cherish them.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But we can't end our movie
like that, can we? Everyone has to go home with some sense of
happiness, right? Rhaargh! However, the ending isn't bad enough to
ruin the movie for me, so it's not THAT offensive. This is probably
my fifth time seeing the movie, and I think it only gets better with
time. It's not without its large flaws as I pointed out, but for the
level of craftsmanship put into it, it sits very high on the
blockbuster throne. Despite everyone putting on a fantastic
performance, the entire thing would have fallen apart without
Jennifer Lawrence there to tie everything together in a neat little
bow. To say she was the MVP of the film is the understatement of the
decade, this is one of those films I couldn't imagine ANYONE else
with the talent to carry it like she did. PERHAPS Shailene Woodley,
because her Tris in <i>Divergent</i> was pretty special, but it
didn't have the older/younger sister dynamic that Katniss and Prim
shared.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Even with so much of her
character left on the editing room floor, Lawrence was able to infuse
Katniss with more emotion and substance than virtually all of today's
action heroes. She is, quite simply, the Real Deal and we're lucky
to witness her talent unfold. Josh Hutcherson's Peeta fell short of
that level as all of his best dialogue from the book didn't make it
in due to his reduced screen time, but at least I BELIEVED he was in
love with Katniss. Their maybe half hour relationship captured more
depth than freaking FIVE MOVIES of Bella and Edward, although that
isn't saying much. Physical cues and body language can go a long
way, that's a lesson maybe more directors and actors should learn.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The film was rightfully a
hit in every since of the word, steamrolling its way to the third
largest box office opening of ALL TIME, trailing only <i>Harry Potter
and the Deathly Hallows Part 2</i> and <i>the Dark Knight Returns</i>,
both of which already had a large built in audience due to the fact
they were sequels. It went on to gross nearly 700 million dollars
worldwide, AND even pleased numerous critics to earn a very healthy
84% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. But enough about those minor
accomplishments, how does it score on the </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Twilight%20Meter" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Twilight Meter</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">?
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Step One.</b> Start
off with a completely bland boring uninteresting dark haired young
woman who starts off as nothing special. She has to be a loner who
only has one interest/hobby in her life.</span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This definitely doesn't
apply to book Katniss, but I'm afraid it does sum up movie Katniss
pretty well. +1 point for a score of 1/7.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Step Two.</b> She will
have a single male best friend that she only thinks of “as a friend
or like a brother”. He, of course, pines for her daily to love him
like he secretly loves her.</span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yikes! How ya doing, Gale?
We're off to a terrible start at 2/7.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Step Three.</b> Have
her suddenly become the most important person in the world through a
combination of the supernatural, a hidden talent she didn't know she
had, or an indomitable will.</span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">While this will apply in the
later films, it certainly doesn't here. You knew Katniss wasn't going
to die, but I never felt she was this Super Magical Hero that was
going to conquer all. No points to keep the score at 2/7.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Step Four.</b> Make
sure she only has one parent, usually a mother but that's flexible.
The other parent is gone either through divorce, death, or
mysteriously vanishing when she was young.</span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Geez, it's kind of amazing
how formulaic this movie was when you look back at it... +1 point
for a score of 3/7.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Step Five.</b> Throw
her into a Love Triangle with two men, one of whom is the
aforementioned best friend she's known her entire life and the other
an enigmatic stranger she instantly prefers. Bonus if the stranger is
introduced saving her life.</span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I joked about there being a
Love Triangle, but in reality it was no such thing. Score stays at
3/7.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Step Six.</b> Add a
villain. The villain isn't important at all so we don't need any kind
of development for him. In fact, the more faceless and generic he is
the better because that's just taking time away from the Love
Triangle.</span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This wasn't that kind of
story. No points for a score of 3/7 still.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Step Seven.</b> Make
sure whatever world changing events going on in the story are
minimized so they can take a backseat to the Love Triangle.</span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">No Love Triangle to speak
of, so that gives us a final score of 3/7. This score is rather
deceptive, as the film certainly had more things to say than that
score would indicate. Like I said earlier, Collins really subverted
A LOT of these common tropes.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">0: Congratulations! Your
fictional world is so original and creative it's almost guaranteed
it'll get ignored by mainstream audiences!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">1 – 2: A very nice breath
of fresh air, it was great to see a unique spin on well worn
material.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">3 – 4: I feel like I've
seen this a million times already, and will see it a million more.</span></b></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">5 – 6: Seriously, why even
bother making this when you should have just been working on new
features for Twilight: The Tenth Anniversary Blu-Ray?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">7: You should be expecting a
call from Stephenie Meyer's lawyers ANY minute now.</span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-15932378259661812262015-03-05T15:25:00.001-07:002015-03-05T17:19:21.942-07:00A Ghoul Versus The Hunger Games (Part 1)<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<em>"May the odds ever be in your favour."</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>The Hunger Games</i> kind of turned
out to be a multimedia juggernaut, didn't it? Beginning as a red hot
trilogy of books written by Suzanne Collins that are among some of
the best sellers of all time, it's gone on to become a movie
franchise that has grossed nearly two and a half billion dollars
worldwide. Hell, even the soundtracks to the movies have ruled the
sales charts. It also helped launch the career of Jennifer Lawrence
into the stratosphere, to the point where she is arguably THE marquee
actor in Hollywood today, male or female.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">HOWEVER you can pretty much say nearly
the exact same things about the </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-twilight-saga-twilight.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Twilight Saga</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> franchise, which was one of the darkest
chapters in cinematic history, so <i>the Hunger Games</i> must just
be more overly marketed tween garbage... right? Plot twist, no! The
books and the movies are, for the most part, critically acclaimed due
to how well written and developed they are. The protagonist of the
books, Katniss Everdeen, has been hailed as one of the better strong
female characters to come out in a long time, a positive role model
who doesn't just sit around and pine for some sparkly chested boy to
make her happy. She is basically the Anti-Bella, a character that
isn't a vile and manipulative harpy that you want to see get eaten by
the Loch Ness Monster. That's what <i>Twilight</i> was about, wasn't
it?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I would describe myself as a fairly
large fan of the franchise. I absolutely LOVE the books, as I found
them to be one of the most realistic portrayals of what would
actually happen to a character's psyche that went through a crazy
ass, world changing series of violent adventures. Hint: it's not
positive. We all have our favourite kind of stories, mine is where
you can watch the gradual descent of a character into madness, and do
those books ever deliver on that. I don't quite have the movies on
that same level of quality, as the removal of Katniss' internal
monologue and insight instantly hurts everything going on, BUT for
Hollywood blockbuster films I do consider them among the best outside
of the Daniel Craig James Bond series.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">With the third movie of the
series, <i>Mockingjay Part 1</i>, due to hit blu-ray this Friday I
thought now would be a good of a time as any to finally review the
first two chapters. Let's get ready by loading up on a boatload of
arrows, learning how to decorate cakes so we can become the masters
of disguise (?), and politely ignoring the HORRIFICALLY low budget
CGI, because it's time for <i>A Ghoul Versus The Hunger Games</i>!</span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">From the Treaty of the
Treason:</span></i></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">In penance for their
uprising, each district shall offer up a male and female between the
ages of 12 and 18 at a public “Reaping”.</span></i></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">These Tributes shall be
delivered to the custody of The Capitol. And then transferred o a
public arena where they will Fight to the Death, until a lone victor
remains.</span></i></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Henceforth and
forevermore this pageant shall be known as The Hunger Games.</i>
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And just in case that
opening text crawl wasn't enough to set the scene for you, we join an
interview with Seneca Crane being conducted by THE face of the
Capitol's media, Caesar Flickerman. Seneca is the Head Gamemaker of
the Hunger Games, responsible for the design of the arena and running
the how when the tournament is underway. He is played by Wes
Bentley, best known as the weirdo from <i>American Beauty</i> who
thought a plastic bag was the most beautiful thing in the world.
Caesar is played by a borderline unrecognizable Stanley Tucci,
rocking some of the most garish assortment of clothes you'll ever see
this side of <i>the Fifth Element</i>. Seneca gives us further
insight into the Hunger Games, saying how it's meant to heal the
country of Panem and bring all the districts closer together after a
failed rebellion took place against the Capitol. </span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is probably a
good time as any to address the controversy that engulfed <i>the
Hunger Games</i> novel when it first came out, namely that it was a
ripoff of the 1999 Japanese novel <i>Battle</i> <i>Royale. </i>Written
by Koushun Takami., it also concerns a fascist government placing a
group of kids into an arena where they are forced to battle to the
death until only a sole survivor stands. The idea behind it is this
will keep the general populace fearful of their government and obey
it, which is the same concept of the Hunger Games. Collins swears up
and down she had never heard of the book while writing her own,
having it come to hear attention after she'd finished the first part
of her trilogy. And I, for one, believe her. Battle Royale isn't
exactly the most mainstream thing in the world, I certainly doubt a
person that had made a career at that point of writing books and
television shows for children would be all up in the world of hard to
find, hyperviolent Japanese novels.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We shift to one of the
districts, number 12, where we get to meet the 17 year old star of
the series: Katniss Everdeen. Katniss is brought to life by Jennifer
Lawrence, whom I said had her career launched into super-stardom by
this movie but it was already on a red hot trajectory previous to
this. She was only 20 years old when she began filming this, already
having an Academy Award nomination for Best Actress (for <i>Winter's</i>
<i>Bone</i>) under by belt, as well as a starring role in the
blockbuster hit <i>X-Men: First Class</i>. She won the role by
beating out a Who's Who of today's brightest talent, a list including
</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Emily%20Browning" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Emily Browning,</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Jodelle%20Ferland" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Jodelle Ferland</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">,</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Chloe%20Grace%20Moretz" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Chloe Grace Moertz</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Saoirse%20Ronan" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Saoirse Ronan</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Kaya%20Scodelario" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Kaya Scodelario</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, and </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Shailene%20Woodley" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Shailene Woodley</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">. CRICKEY! If you had Kirsten
Stewart in that list, we'd pretty much have EVERY Young Adult movie
actress of the past five years represented.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Katniss is attempting to
console her younger sister, Primrose “Prim” Everdeen, who has
just awoken from a nightmare where she got picked for the Reaping.
As Prim is now 12 years old, she is officially eligible to be
selected and it's weighing heavily on her mind. Katniss puts bring
back to bed and gets ready to head out, getting hissed at by Prim's
mangy looking cat Buttercup as she does. Buttercup was also a source
of controversy, although this one was among the fans of the books.
See, in the books she was yellow, hence her name, but here in the
movie she is black and white. It's not like it mattered IN THE
SLIGHTEST since this is her only scene and all of the relevance she
had in the books was cut, but at least this was an inoffensive
complaint unlike ones we'll get later on from a certain segment of
the Hunger Games fandom about characters being black.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As Katniss walks through the
district, we get to see what life is like there and it SUCKS. They
are a dirt poor community of coal miners, located somewhere in the
vicinity of the Appalachia Mountains, although this is just hearsay
because the series never has presented a definitive map of the
districts. Or a time frame for that matter, all we know this takes
place in the far future in your standard issue post-apocalyptic hell.
Katniss goes to the edge of the district, which is walled off by an
electric fence, and sneaks through it to go hunting with her bow and
arrow. It is here she meets up with her lifelong friend Gale
Hawthorne, whom we might as well just call Sir Hunk 3000. He is
played by the ridiculously handsome Liam “Baby Thor” Hemsworth,
younger brother to fellow actor Chris. There is actually a third
Hemsworth brother, Luke, but he has yet to have a breakout role here
in the States.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They briefly talk about the
Reaping that is set to go down today, cut short when a Capitol
aircraft flies over their heads. The aircraft is the transportation
of representative Effie Trinket, played by an Elizabeth Banks doing
her best Lady GaGa impersonation, who does a </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-ghoul-versus-walk-of-shame-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Walk of Shame</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> as she exits the craft and
walks down the Capitol streets. You can tell she really despises
this filth bin and longs to be back to her glamorous city. Katniss
and Gale continue to talk as we learn their dynamics: Katniss is a
bitter realist who has accepted her situation, while Gale is a
dreamer who longs for a better life. We also learn the backstory of
the Reaping wasn't exactly a priority in the script, as Katniss asks
him how many times his name is in the drawing today. He replies 42,
quipping the odds aren't going to be in his favour. And that's the
scene.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That might have been a TAD
confusing if you haven't read the books, which is something I imagine
I'll be saying fairly often in these reviews. How can your name be
in the drawing more than once? This is because of something called
tesserae, which means you can submit additional entries into the
drawing for bonus supplies for your family in the form of grain and
oil. These extra drawings will replace your family members from
having their names placed in, so Gale's 42 is him taking the fall for
all the other members of his family. It's a bit clunky to have to
explain in the movie, which makes me question why even bother having
that line of dialogue at all since this is NEVER brought up again?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is surprising given
that Collins herself wrote the screenplay for the move, although it
was a collaborative effort with director Gary Ross and screenwriter
Billy Ray. Ross is a director best known for <i>Pleasantville</i>
and <i>Seabiscuit</i>, while Billy Ray has co-written hits such as
<i>Flightplan</i> and <i>State of Play</i>. He also helped write the
HILARIOUSLY bad Bruce Willis film <i>the Color of Night</i>, which
will absolutely be gracing the pages of this blog someday. I suppose
with three writers passing the script back and forth things like the
omission of tesserae are bound to happen, but I've never been a fan
of the “you have to know the books to understand this stuff” line
of thinking that creeps up in movie adaptions. COUGH COUGH <i>Harry</i>
<i>Potter</i> COUGH COUGH.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Katniss goes to the Hob,
District 12's so-called black market, for some wheelin' and dealin'.
One of the merchants is named Greasy Sae, although she doesn't get
named on screen, whom you should all recognize as Sandra Ellis
Lafferty from </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/04/a-ghoul-versus-prophecy.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the Prophecy franchise</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, where she had some classic
interactions with Christopher Walken. While riffling through Sae's
wares, Katniss finds a golden pin of a bird called the mockingjay and
buys it. This is one of the major changes from the book, as there
she was given the pin by her friend Madge (oddly enough the name of
Lafferty's character in <i>the Prophecy</i>). Madge was cut from the
movie entirely, which I understand was to streamline things, but the
fact Katniss had friends besides Hunk-A-Tron 3000 makes her MUCH more
interesting and unique for these kind of stories.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The next scene furthers the
streamlining, as Katniss and Prim get dressed up for the Reaping
while their mother watches. In the books there was a huge backstory
about how Katniss' father died in a mining accident, which pretty
much turned their mother catatonic and forced Katniss to take care of
the family. It's obvious from what we've seen so far Katniss is
running the show, but with no insight into why this is, her character
isn't given much of that sorely needed depth. The entire village
marches to the Reaping, the Stormtrooper-esque Peacekeepers of the
Capitol watching over them. The scene is wonderfully done, with a
very washed out colour palette that mirrors the despair of the
district. It uses no score whatsoever either, only the ambient noise
of footfalls crunching through the dirt.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Effie plays a brief
propaganda film to explain the games some more, and then gets the
drawing underway. Banks nails this entire performance, being as
happy and bubbly as possible while the captive audience is just
staring bloody murder at her. Prim is chosen, slowly walking towards
the stage in stunned horror. Katniss begins screaming her name and
runs towards her, volunteering to take her place as the district's
tribute as well as helping to launch a billion memes. Volunteering
as tribute was set up further in the book, where the richer districts
actually have people called career tributes that look forward to the
games and will gladly step in if a weaker person is chosen. Katniss
tells Prim to return to their mother but a hysterical Prim refuses,
Gale forced to pick her up and carry her away before the Peacekeepers
get involved.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Katniss takes the stage as
Effie tells the audience to clap for her, but instead they kiss their
hands and hold up three fingers skyward to launch another billion
memes. This movie was kind of a big deal, wasn't it? This is a
gesture the district does at funerals as a respectful goodbye,
although the movie doesn't tell us that. Effie tries to roll past
this scene of silent protest by announcing it's time to draw the male
tribute, as the camera lovingly settles on Mr. Universe. PLOT TWIST!
It's a boy named Peeta Mellark, played by Josh “I Never Take A
Break” Hutcherson. A very prolific actor who has been acting most
of his young life, <i>the Hunger Games</i> was his FIFTH movie of
2012. Daymn, he must have attended the Eric Roberts School of
Workrate!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The ceremony ends, Katniss
taken backstage for a brief meeting with Prim and some random lady.
Oh, that's her mother, right. The sisters have a heartbreaking
goodbye, as I can't say enough good about how realistic they're
making this. At only eleven years old at the time of shooting, it is
VERY safe to say we can expect great things from Prim's actress,
Willow Shields, in the future. Katniss and her mother have a terse
few lines, Katniss warning her she can't “tune out” like she did
when their dad died. Normally I'd bitch about how the elder Everdeen
didn't get a name, but even the BOOKS didn’t' think that was
important enough to address. No matter how great it is, this is
still a Young Adult novel after all and Parents Are Useless.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Gale enters next for an
extremely brief conversation, reinforcing how badass Katniss is and
that her hunting skills will be the key to survival. It is downright
striking how quality all of this is in relation to similar movies, as
Hemsworth infuses all of his words with an understated love for his
friend. Like, EVERYONE isn't just trying here, they're DOING it.
Despite his carved from marble face being all over the marketing,
Gale is barely a part of the franchise and yet Hemsworth is still
giving his all here. He is definitely the more talented of his
brothers, as Chris puts me to sleep in nearly everything I've seen of
his so far.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The two tributes are loaded
onto a hovertrain, which is ultra high tech and full of lavish
surroundings. They are introduced to their mentor, Haymitch
Abernathy, PERFECTLY brought to life by the incomparable Woody
Harrelson. Haymitch's character is that he's the only District 12
tribute to ever win the games, and has become a raging alcoholic as a
result of the horror he witnessed. In the games, past winners serve
to mentor the new recruits, so for the past 23 years he's had to
watch every pair of teenagers under his wing die. He's a bit bitter
as a result, you could say. In the book he was present at the
Reaping, drunk as usual, and ended up falling off the stage. This is
a change I totally agree with, as such slapstick would have ruined
the beautiful dark tone that was going on there.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Peeta, who is all business
about learning how to survive in the arena, wants to begin discussing
their strategy immediately. Haymitch laughs him off, as you can tell
he's basically given up on this whole thing and wants to get drunker.
Peeta isn't so easily deterred though, and by the next morning has
gotten Haymitch to finally start talking. The key to survival is
getting gifts from sponsors, rich people in the Capitol who can send
gifts to their favourite tributes. This is going to be a problem for
Katniss, who cannot hide her contempt for their extremely fucked up
situation. The train arrives at the Capitol to a throng of cheering
citizens, Peeta embracing things and hamming it up for them. HE
totally gets how things work, something Haymitch is all too quick to
point out to Katniss.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">After getting cleaned up,
Katniss is introduced to Cinna, her personal stylist. Cinna is
played by rock and roll icon Lenny Kravitz, something of a fashion
icon himself in real life so this was a bout of inspired casting.
Not all fans agreed, but we'll be getting to that in a bit. Cinna,
unlike everyone else in the Capitol, apologizes to Katniss for her
having to be here, showing he's like the one sane person in the
entire city. But there's not much he can do about that, so he's
going to at least make sure someone as brave as her looks her
absolute best. That night there is a parade for the tributes,
overseen by the president of Panem, Coriolanus Snow. Cinna has
dressed Katniss and Peeta in black bodysuits that emit THE WORST
LOOKING CGI FIRE OF ALL TIME, even worse than what we saw in </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-ghoul-versus-vampire-academy-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Vampire Academy</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">.
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This movie had a budget of
78 million dollars, which sadly isn't a lot anymore, but was actually
the most expensive movie Lionsgate had ever produced at the time.
You can tell they weren't exactly used to properly allocating a
budget like that, as all of the District 12 footage looked perfect
whereas everything in the Capitol looks kinda sorta cheap. Despite
looking like a terrible video game, Katniss and Peeta stand out far
among the other tributes, who are dressed in the typical garb of
whatever job their district is known for. Peeta tries to take
Katniss' hand, but she jerks it away before he convinces her how much
the audience will love it if they hold hands. Peeta knows what the
fuck is up.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The next few days are spent
in the Capitol's training facility, where Katniss and Peeta slowly
begin to bond over the upcoming event. We get to see Peeta is
freakishly strong due to the heavy sacks of flour he grew up carrying
for his parents' bakery, as well as he's a MASTER OF CAMOUFLAGE due
to the fact he's a five star cake decorator. And there we have it,
the silliest plot point of the entire franchise. I mean, SURE,
talented cake decorators can make cakes look like anything, so there
is a level of credibility they could translate their skills over to
body paint. That's fine and dandy, but why in the blue hell would
District 12 have a NEED for such elaborate cakes? Peeta's family was
one of the richer ones, but he just got done saying how his father
bought squirrels from Katniss so it's not like they're living it up
Capitol style.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This also serves as the
introduction of Rue, a very young girl from District 11, which brings
us to the next controversy surrounding the film: its casting. Just
like </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/12/a-ghoul-versus-star-wars-episode-ii.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Star Wars,</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> there is a portion of the
fandom that are imbecilic, frothing at the mouth racists. OH JOY!
Some people from the cesspool that is social media lost their
collective shit when they learned Rue (and, to a lesser extent,
Cinna) were going to be played by... black actors. Dun dun duuuun!
GOOD FUCKING GOD, NO! #KeepHungerGamesWhite! How dare Lionsgate
make any of the characters with speaking roles black! Have they no
sense of decency? I mean Jesus Christ, didn't they read how Rue was
described in the book?!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>And most hauntingly, a
twelve-year-old girl from District 11. She has dark brown skin and
eyes, but other than that, she's very like Prim in size and demeanor.</i>
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Those fucking Hollywood
hacks! They cast a black actor to play a character with... dark brown
skin. Huh. That's weird. Dark brown can mean black, can't it? So
not only are these “fans” of the book complete and total fucking
idiots, they're illiterate too. Who would have ever thought racists
might not be the cream of the intellectual crop? I, for one, am
FLOORED by this revelation. Floored, I tells ya! George Takei, who
is pretty much the God of Awesome, summed it up best in a tweet where
he said “Some fans outraged that blacks cast in Hunger Games roles.
Teens killing each other in futuristic arenas, and they care about
what color?”. Another perfect tweet was from Twitter user
disgussions, who said “In all these people's defense, it's easy to
miss things when reading through 2 small holes in a white sheet.”.
Just think though, we'll get MORE of this lovely slice of ignorant
garbage with certain casting choices in the next movie. Yay.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">AnyWHO, let's get back to
the movie. Gah, I should have stayed on my soapbox longer because
we're now at my least favourite scene of the series (so far).
Haymitch is giving his students a last second coach before they have
to individually audition their best talents for Seneca and the
Gamemakers to establish their initial ranking in the arena, where we
see he has quit drinking as he stops a waiter from refilling his
glass. The insinuation here is Peeta has gotten the alcoholic to
reform and stay on task with helping them stay alive, but that is
UTTERLY contradictory to Haymitch's character. And it's that easy to
quit drinking when you've spent the last two decades living every day
in an alcohol induced haze, right? Whatever, it does serve to set up
one of my favourite scenes as Katniss enters the room for her
audition. The Gamemakers are too busy chowing down as she does her
archery, so she retaliates by launching an arrow right into an apple
that was in the mouth of a pig on their craft services table. She
then does one of the most exaggerated curtseys in history and leaves,
thanking them for their consideration. This is where Katniss became
one of my favourite characters of all time.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This proves to be the best
decision ever, because she gets the highest score out of the field of
24, beating out even the career tributes. Later on all of the
contestants are brought to Caesar's show to be interviewed, Katniss
living up to her new nickname of “the Girl on Fire” by unveiling
another fiery dress. The rest of the interview is rather uneventful,
paling in comparison to Peeta, who charms the hell out of everyone
with his off the charts levels of charisma. He then drops a
bombshell: he's been in love with Katniss since they were kids. She
is outraged by this and attacks him backstage, but Haymitch pulls her
off and explains how them being marketed as star crossed lovers will
get them tons of sponsors. Back at their hotel, she apologizes for
her outburst and the two discuss their fears about tomorrow's
bloodbath.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Morning comes and they're
taken to the facility beneath the arena, where they will be placed
into the match via cylindrical elevator tubes. Cinna is the only one
allowed to accompany Katniss there, giving her some final words of
encouragement before she's launched. She arrives to a clearing in
the woods, with all the other contestants on either side of her. In
the center of the area is the Cornucopia, a metal structure filled
with weapons and supplies, something Haymitch warned her about going
towards because everyone else will be trying to do the same thing. A
countdown begins at fifty, and when it hits zero all hell breaks
loose. And by hell, I mean EXTREME SHAKY CAM. Aww come on Ross, not
you too!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/03/a-ghoul-versus-hunger-games-part-2.html" target="_blank">Click here for Part 2!</a>Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-41272276603024533072015-03-01T22:18:00.002-07:002015-04-05T17:36:09.895-06:00A Ghoul Versus Pascal Laugier's The Tall Man<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>The Tall Man? Is that like the
Slender Man's low budget cousin?”</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The New French Extremity is a so-called
movement used to describe certain French filmmakers that deal in,
let's be honest here, some of the most fucked up films imaginable.
Films hit with this label often specialize in a combination of
EXTREME sexuality and violence, with a heavy learning towards the
horror genre. I've yet to review any of the films associated with
the movement, but have mentioned them on here before when discussing
directors </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-ghoul-versus-hitman-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Xavier Gens</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> and </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-alexandre-ajas-horns.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Alexandre Aja</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, as both have entries on the
list with their films <i>Frontier(s) </i><span style="font-style: normal;">and</span><i>
High Tension</i>, respectively.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Of all the films I've seen, none
affected me as much as 2008's <i>Martyrs</i>, written and directed by
Pascal Laugier. Without spoiling anything, it concerns a young woman
getting kidnapped by a cult the horrific experiences she has as their
captive. It is probably the most uncomfortable move I've EVER
watched in my entire life, but unlike torture porn schlock like the
<i>Hostel</i> series, its over the top violence had a point. A
massively powerful film that I still think about seven years later,
which is more than I can say about the majority of movies I've seen
since then. I was very anxious to see what else Laugier had done,
disappointed to find out he had only made one other film: 2004's
<i>Saint Ange</i>, which I've never been able to track down.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Very recently I discovered he made a
third film with almost no fanfare whatsoever, 2012's <i>the Tall Man</i>.
I vaguely remember seeing trailers for it, but the second I saw
Jessica Biel was the star I dismissed it and never gave it a second
thought. The film only got a limited theatrical release before being
released on home video less than a month later, and it generally
faded into the great realm of obscurity. Until today that is, where
we're going to check it out and hope that Laugier isn't just a one
hit filmmaker. Get ready to cross your fingers and pray he gets a
watchable performance out of Jessica Biel, because it is now time for
<i>A Ghoul Versus The Tall Man</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>800,000 children are
reported missing each year in the USA.</i>
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">USA! USA! US- wait, that's a bad
thing.
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Most are found within a
few days. 1,000 children disappear without leaving a trace...</i>
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">After this somber statistic, we open
with police officers exiting a cave in search of a missing boy.
Among their number is Sheriff Chestnut, instantly recognizable as the
esteemed actor William B. Davis of </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/12/a-ghoul-versus-x-files-fight-future.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">X-Files fame.</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Also present is FBI agent Lieutenant
Dodd, who goes to the hospital to update the boy's mother on the
situation. Dodd is played by Stephen McHattie, who I'm sure you've
seen in SOMETHING due to the fact he's nearly been in 200 movies.
The boy's mother is Julia Denning, played by Jessica Biel, whom is
currently having glass shards removed from her very
fresh-from-an-accident face. We then go back 36 hours to the small
town of Cold Rock, Washington, where we are treated to... narration
to kick things off! Le sigh.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A girl named Jenny talks about how the
town has basically died since the mine was closed, but then makes a
reference to how something much worse is lurking under its surface.
Before we can get any elaboration on this, a car with a mother and
her two daughters drives to the local clinic where one of them,
Carol, is currently in great pain. Julia runs out of the clinic to
help them, discovering that Carol's very pregnant and in the early
stages of labour. Tracy, the mother, had no idea about this.
Tracy's actress is Samantha Ferris, known to millions of <i>Supernatural</i>
fans as the badass demon hunter Ellen Harvelle, but to me she's
always be the voice of Sally from the anime <i>Gundam Wing</i>.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">While they take Carol inside to give
birth, the youngest daughter sits outside to draw a picture of a
baby. This is our narrator Jenny, played by the always awesome young
actress Jodelle Ferland. You may remember her from </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-twilight-saga-eclipse.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the Twilight Saga</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, but she probably wouldn't hold it
against you if you didn't. That wasn't exactly the best vehicle to
gauge her acting talent. After Carol gives birth to a baby boy,
Tracy tells Julia they will NOT be going to the hospital because they
want to keep the entire incident a secret. They drive back home,
Jenny narrating again and finally expounding on what she mentioned
earlier: something in Cold Rock is stealing children. Locals have
begun to call this something the Tall Man, as we see in numerous
interview clips of grieving parents.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Julia goes to the local diner where she
spots local crazy woman Mrs. Johnson lurking outside, bringing her a
cup of coffee. Or at least she tries, as Johnson runs off without
accepting it. Julia's next stop is to check up on Carol and her
baby, but finds Tracy has sent her family to live in Seattle. We get
to briefly meet Steven, the father of Carol's baby, who is the
typical local biker dirtbag. Julia goes outside to talk to Jenny,
who actually can't talk despite her gift for narration. She
communicates only through the written word, showing Julia a picture
of the Tall Man (a figure in a cloak) and writing that she saw him.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Her errands for the day done, Julia
returns to her gigantic home, her slightly creepy young child David,
and his nanny Christine. It seems Julia's deceased husband was a
much beloved doctor, and some people, such as Steven, don't think
Julia is fit to follow in his footsteps. After dinner and putting
David to bed, Julia falls asleep on the couch only to get awoken by a
radio in the kitchen blaring. She goes to turn it off, finding a
beaten and bound Christine lying on the floor. Julia dashes upstairs
to check on David, finding him gone. She goes back down to untie
Christine and ask her what happened, but sees a hooded man carrying
David leaving the kitchen.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She chases after him, the kidnapper
jumping into a nearby van and taking off. In an EXTREMELY RARE
instance of competence, Julia is able to chase the van down and jump
onto the back of it. The van stops and the driver gets out, Julia
diving under the vehicle to hide from him. While he goes into the
back of the van, she crawls out and peeks in the back, seeing David
asleep. When she tries to get into the cab, a vicious German
Shepherd leaps out and begins to attack her. DAMN! Julia, who just
might be the smartest person in a horror movie EVER, grabs a rock and
knocks it out before it can tear her throat out.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Julia's luck ends there though, as the
Tall Man grabs her and slams her head against the van. She wakes up
in the back of the van with her hands tied behind her back and the
dog guarding her, and BOY does he look pissed over the whole rock to
the head thing. HOWEVER, Julia happens to notice a jagged hole on
the wall behind her and uses it to cut her ropes off, because she is
now the </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/09/a-ghoul-versus-looper-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Emily Blunt</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> of Scream Queens. The next
shot is the Tall Man driving the van while David is asleep on the
passenger seat, when suddenly Julia SMASHES THROUGH THE GLASS
PARTITION to begin choking him out. Did I say the Emily Blunt? FUCK
THAT, Julia is now the </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-ghoul-versus-liam-neesons-unknown.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Diane Kruger</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> of Scream Queens. Don't
fuck with Julia Denning!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Things erupt into a total clusterfuck
as the dog bites Julia's leg, the Tall Man starts swerving all over
the road, and David wakes up screaming. The van eventually crashes into a large
tree branch on the road and wrecks, landing on its side. David
climbs out of the passenger door, but unfortunately the Tall Man does
too and grabs him. Although it's not in a rough manner, it's almost
as if Danny recognizes him because he allows the hooded man to pick
him up with no struggle. HMMM... how did Julia's husband die again?
I don't believe they ever said. Jenny, riding by on her bike,
witnesses all of this but then pedals away when she hears a banging
noise coming from the van. This is a bloodied Julia kicking her way
out, but because she's a walking badass she still has the wherewithal
to follow the Tall Man's footprints into the muddy forest off the
side of the road.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The footprints abruptly stop and she finally
allows the horror of her situation to sink it, collapsing against a
tree stump. She wanders back out to the road where she eventually
passes out, discovered by Agent Dodd. He... drops her off at the cafe instead
of taking her to the hospital? Wha? Chestnut is there, Dodd telling
him to call an ambulance for Julia while he goes to search for the
Tall Man. Trish, the owner of the cafe, sends Julia into her office
to get herself cleaned up, where she JUST HAPPENS to overhear a
conversation between Chestnut and a local weirdo named Douglas that
catches her attention. Douglas talks about how Chestnut has to be
very careful or he'll lose his pension, as well as the fact he needs
to check the old mine to see what “she” is up to.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The weirdness doesn't just stop there
though, Julia also finds a corner of the office is a shrine dedicated
to all of the missing children, David's picture among them. As she
has her mind blown by this, the cafe's cook spies on her through the
window and runs around front to tell everyone in the diner Julia has
seen the shrine. You know, Trish is kind of a fucking idiot. It's
not like that shrine was even remotely hidden, it was out in the open
for anyone to see. Did she honestly not think Julia wouldn't see it?
Douglas runs into the back to get Julia, but she has wisely run out
the back door. Everyone in the diner runs out to their vehicles to
grab weapons, and then go into the forest in pursuit of her, hooting
and hollering how they're going to kill her. What the hell is going
on in this town?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chestnut does not join the impromptu
lynch mob, instead driving out to the mine where he enters a building
that does not look abandoned in the slightest. When he's well out of
sight, Julia crawls out of the backseat of his cruiser. GodDAMN, I
fucking love Julia. Chestnut doesn't stay very long, telling someone
off camera about Julia and then driving off while she sneaks inside.
The building is the mine's old facility, and is filled with rooms
decorated for children. Julia spots a shadowy figure that greatly
resembles her son, doing the bit where she chases him from room to
room while he keeps disappearing. She finally corners him in a room
where the Tall Man jumps into frame and CRACKS her in the head with a
pipe, knocking her to the ground.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The Tall Man takes his hood off,
and it's MRS. JOHNSON! The shocks don't stop there though, as David
hugs her and calls HER mommy. Double wha?! Julia finally succumbs
to her latest head trauma, waking up tied to a chair. Johnson is
sitting before her, and accuses HER of being the Tall Man, kidnapping
her son and brainwashing him. She launches into a flashback sequence
where she discovered Julia had David, and how she got everyone in the
diner to help her get him back. That explains why Trish had a
picture of David already, but still not why in the hell she thought
it'd be a good idea for Julia to go back there if she thought she was
the Tall Man- er, Tall Woman.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Johnson asks Julia what she's done with
the other children in the town, and Julia responds that she's given
them all to the Tall Man. Holy shit, this movie is just one big plot
twist after another. Johnson hits her, but this is a baaaaad idea
because it just pisses Julia off and she breaks out of her bonds.
She responds with a fist of her own and begins to chase after David,
who hides in a room upstairs. Not long after the door bursts open
and it's... Jenny! Um, where the hell did she come from? They start
to leave but Julia, doing her best Jason and/or Michael Myers
impersonation, appears in the hallway to block them. PSYCHE! Jenny
pushes David into Julia's arms and they run outside, where Jenny
HOTWIRES A TRUCK so they can leave. MY ZOMBIE BRAIN HURTS FROM ALL
THE TWISTS!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They drive back to Julia's, where we
see Christine is also in on whatever the holy fuck is going on.
Julia tells Jenny to go home, but she writes a message that says “I'm
sure Christine called HIM. Take me to HIM”. Julia refuses,
grabbing David and heading to her basement, despite Christine's
protests. Julia emerges sometime later alone, walking outside to
find Jenny still waiting for her. She tells the mute girl she gave
him Jenny's name and address, and that maybe he'll come for her
someday, BUT if she rats Julia out then he'll come in a way she won't
like. This seems good enough for Jenny, so she finally leaves.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Starting to get groggy, Julia walks
upstairs while we can hear the lynch mob arrive at her house and
start pounding on the door. She lies on a couch and drifts off, the
scene cutting to the next morning where the police are escorting her
out of the house in handcuffs through the mob. On their way
downstairs they pass Christine, who has hung herself. Dodd loads her
into a cruiser which begins to speed away, but not before a man
throws a rock through the window and right into her face. Dodd and
Chestnut search the basement, finding it leads into a GARGANTUAN mine
shaft. They walk through it, exiting at the cave that we opened the
film with to bring us full circle. This certainly puts a spin on
Dodd's hospital conversation with Julia, doesn't it?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Things jump ahead to later, where Julia
is now in the state prison. Dodd calls in Johnson to speak with her
in an attempt to make her divulge where all the missing children are.
Julia, who has gone WAY off the deep end, gives a very impressive
rant about how society is broken and does nothing to help children in
what is EASILY the best acting of Jessica Biel's career. Johnson
bluntly asks her if the children are dead, Julia nodding yes, adding
“she couldn't keep them all”. Johnson breaks down, but manages
to ask where their bodies are. Julia tells her the tunnels
underneath the forest.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We return to Jenny, who is awoken by a
drunken argument between Tracy and Steven. She goes outside to get
away from it, drawn into the nearby woods by a noise. Naturally she
gets grabbed by a Tall Man, although he's more a Shadowy Man since
he's not wearing a hood. He takes her to his car, inviting her to
get into a compartment under the back seat, which she does. He
drives out of Cold Rock to Seattle, where we cut to a very healthy
looking Jenny in a huge bedroom putting on makeup. The Tall Man
leads her into a hallway where a distinguished older woman is waiting
to adopt her, as this entire operation is revealed to take kids from
broken homes and put them with people who will love them and properly
take care of them. The Tall Man is, surprise surprise, Julia's
TOTALLY NOT DEAD husband Robert, which I... KINDA called. Robert
mentions Jenny is the last child his group will ever place into a
better home, but there are other divisions out there.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A few months pass and we see Jenny's
life has greatly improved, as evidenced by the fact she is now able
to talk. As she walks to the art school she attends, she passes a
park where she happens to see David playing with his new family.
They exchange glances, but he seems not to recognize her. She
narrates about how she often thinks of her old life and returning to
it, but decides the new life she's chosen is better.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“<i>I guess it's better
this way, right? Right? Right?”</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits, with a final shot of
Jenny looking directly at us as she asks her question.<br />
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">THAT WAS FUN! I absolutely adore
movies like this, where you think everything is going one way and
then every expectation you had was subverted but NOT in a cheap, cop
out way. Everything lined up perfectly after the flurry of plot
twists, and how many films can you say THAT about in the modern era?
Pascal Laugier certainly knows how to control an audience, as well as
keep his stories from getting out of control. It's hard to imagine a
film like this in anyone else's hands, seeing as how it's multiple
types of genres all mashed into one. You only have to take a look at
his fellow French Extremist Alexandre Aja's <em>Horns </em>to see how wrong mixing formulas can
go.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Laugier is also a master at getting
fantastic performances out of his actors, as Jessica Biel FUCKING
NAILED this thing. It's almost mind boggling that in the same year
she was doing this role, she also was helping to ruin the </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-ghoul-versus-total-recall-2012-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Total Recall remake</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> every time she opened her mouth.
What a different a director makes, eh? It really is a shame almost no
one had a chance to see this film to witness her kicking every kind
of ass imaginable, but I imagine the subject matter made the studio
very hesitant to give it a wide release due to its subject matter.
Although <i>Gone Baby Gone</i>, which also featured child kidnapping
with ulterior motives, was a critical hit, so who's to say?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm sure marketing the film had to be a
nightmare, as every single trailer (and even the box art for the
movie itself) plays up the purported supernatural element to make
this look like a horror story. This is CRUCIAL to the way the movie
gets inside your head, but as we all know horror movies never get any
respect so that kind of doomed it out of the gate. Still though,
they could have tried a BIT harder instead of saddling this movie
with Godawful taglines like “Fear Takes a New Shape” and “the
Kids Are NOT Alright”. Blegh.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Definitely a rare gem worth going out
of your way to watch, I give this a very high recommendation. Come
for the slick editing and pacing, the gorgeous cinematography, and
stay for the incredible Jessica Biel performance that redefines the term "powerhouse". You'll even get to
leave with some thought provoking subject matter to think over for
the next few days, it's the gift that keeps on giving!</span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-1317432667049551172015-02-28T16:47:00.002-07:002015-02-28T16:47:12.386-07:00A Ghoul Versus The Legend Of Hercules<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>Dueling Movies: The Legend of
Hercules Vs. Hercules (2014)!”</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's almost hard to believe, but there
was a point in Renny Harlin's career when he was one of the leading
directors in Hollywood. Not leading in a sense of critical acclaim,
but more like the Michael Bay aspect where his films brought in
truckloads of money. He got his big break with 1988's <i>A Nightmare
on Elm Street: The Dream Master</i>, which was the highest grossing
entry of the series at the time, and then went on to direct the
second <i>Die Hard</i>, which actually outperformed the beloved
original. His next film was 1993's Cliffhanger, which also set the
world on fire and earned nearly a quarter of a billion dollars.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It seemed he was the Next Big Thing, so
famed movie studio Carolco gave him somewhere in the area of $100
million dollars to direct a larger than life adventure about pirates
<i>Cutthroat Island</i>. I'll get into MUCH greater detail about
this film when I get around to reviewing it, needless to say the film
bombed as hard as humanly possible to the point it was THE biggest
box office dud of all time for many years to follow. This
effectively killed Harlin's A-list status, and his career has
steadily slid downhill ever since.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This brings us to today's film, <i>the
Legend of Hercules</i>. Not only did Harlin direct it, but he
co-wrote it with the relatively unknown Daniel Giat, who only has two
made for TV credits on his resume. Helping out on the script were
Giulio Steve and Sean Hood, a name you should recognize if you read
my thoughts on the </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-cube-2-hypercube.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">second Cube movie.</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> <em>Hercules</em>... did
not do well. It was made for 70 million dollars, and didn't even
make 20 million domestically. Factoring in the all important foreign
box office receipts, it barely cleared 60 million dollars total. It
didn't fare any well critically, earning a dreadful THREE PERCECT on
Rotten Tomatoes and racking up a Michael Bay-esque six </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-35th-annual-razzie-awards.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Razzie Award</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> nominations. What was SO terrible
about it? How could a movie starring the big guy from </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-twilight-saga-twilight.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Twilight</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> perform so horribly? It's time to find
out, so break out your gladiator gear, cue up the slow motion, and
get ready for <i>A Ghoul Versus The Legend of Hercules</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open with TONS OF HORRIBLY FAKE
LOOKING CGI, because this was a 3D movie. Kids are still into that,
right? Captions tell us this is Argos, Greece in the year 1200 B.C.,
as we see a massive battle being waged between two Greek armies that
in NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM resembles the film <i>300</i>. Like, I
don't even know why you'd bring it up. The two kings, Amphitryon and
Galenus, meet face to face and make a deal to engage in a one-on-one
battle, whoever wins gets his opponent's kingdom. Many shitty 3D and
slow motion shots later, and Amphy (I am NOT typing that long name
again), stands victorious.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That night there is much rejoicing
among Amphy's people, with the exception of his wife, Queen Alcmene.
She accuses her husband of invading Argos only for its riches, as the
fallen kingdom had posed no threat to them and had been coexisting in
peace. She goes to a nearby temple to pray to the goddess Hera for
help on how to deal with her power mad husband, shocked when Hera
herself appears. The goddess says Alcmene will have another son
that'll end Amphy's madness, but the catch is Zeus has to be the
father because he's filled with lust over Alcmene. Remind me why is
Hera down with all of this? This seems a bit out of character with
the way she's portrayed in mythology.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcmene returns to her tent to sleep,
where she promptly gets raped by... lightning? I get that it's meant
to be Zeus having sex with her, but all we see if her writhing in bed
and moaning sexually while lightning flashes. </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-ghoul-versus-showgirls-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Showgirls</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, you may now hand over your crown for
Most Awkward Sex Scene EVER. Amphy and Random Movie Bimbo #5,604,414
walk in to witness this insanity, but sadly don't turn around and
walk out. Instead Amphy begins angrily slashing at the air with his
sword, determined to catch the Invisible Man. He also kills some
faceless woman that magically appeared in the shot despite not being
there in the previous frame. For a second I thought it was the Bimbo
(which would have made sense), but we can see her standing behind the
dead woman.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Nine months later and Alcmene gives
birth to Hercules, but Amphy decides to call him Alcides because he's
a dick like that. He also declares he'll never be an equal to their
other son Iphicles, who is a few years older than him. We jump ahead
twenty years, where Alcides/Hercules has grown up to be the dashing
Kellan Lutz. His hobbies are being as shirtless as possible and
hanging out with his best gal Hebe, who is played by fellow Razzie
nominee Gaia Weiss. Their ponderous “I love you/I love you more”
scene is THANKFULLY cut short by the arrival of Iphicles, who has
been dispatched to find the missing Hebe. It seems Hebe is the
princess of nearby Crete, and left for her indiscretion with Teen
Dream without telling anyone.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Naturally Iphicles follows in his
father's footsteps and is a total asshole towards Alcides, which
makes me wonder how his character is going to play out. Will he turn
out to be a total monster and end up being one of the Final Bosses,
or will he redeem himself at the last possible moment by helping
Hercules out? I'm going to go with redemption. The two brothers
ride home, where they get attacked by some Xbox 360-level CGI in the
form on a lion. But it's just not any old lion, it's the Nemean Lion
of the Twelve Labours of Hercules lore, a fearful creature with near
invulnerable fur. Just like in the legends, Alcides strangles it to
death after finding their weapons are worthless against it.
Returning to their castle, Iphicles is wearing the beast's fur as a
trophy, saying HE is the one who killed it and showing off for the
court.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcides doesn't bother to correct him,
because he really doesn't give a damn and is more interested in
smiling at Hebe, who is present along with her father King Tallas.
Amphy announces in four months that his kingdom will sign a peace
treaty with Crete, on the condition that Hebe marries Iphicles. OH
SNAP! Hebe storms out of the castle and takes off, Alcides running
right after her. They make plans to run away together, while back at
the castle Amphy bitches out Iphicles for letting her future wife
leave like that. So far I support the nominations for Kellan Lutz
and Gaia Weiss for Worst Actor and Actress, but how the hell did
Iphicles' actor, Liam Garigan, not garner a nod for Worst Supporting
Actor? He's treating this shit like a Saturday Night Live sketch,
and not one of the good ones.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We cut to the next morning, where the
two lovers are being pursued by Amphy's army on horseback. Kinda
feel like we missed a scene or two there... They get captured and
brought to Amphy, who announces Alcides is on the first boat headed
to Egypt to help squash an uprising happening there. Iphicles,
another name I'm getting tired of typing so I'm just going to call
him Punk Ass, has his father ask if Alcides has “taken Hebe's
maidenhood”. Alcides implies he has in a line that really needed
to be wittier, so Punk Ass tries to beat him up and just ends up
embarrassing himself. I'm officially changing my pick to Punk Ass
turning into a Final Boss, because I REALLY want to see him die now.
And since this script is already feeling like it's five different
drafts merged into one with no attempt at integrating them, we get a
scene of Alcides packing his bags for what is sure to be a suicide
mission in Egypt while his mother tries to talk sense into him. I'll
transcribe it:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcmene: Alcides, I beg you to
understand that you have a purpose on this earth beyond this one
desire.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcides: I have no purpose other than
claiming the love that is mine. I damn the king for denying it to
me, and I damn the gods for taking it from me!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcmene: Noooooo! Hercules!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chiron (the Queen's advisor, who is the
only other person to know the truth about Alcides): Your majesty, no!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcides: Your majesty...? What did
you call me?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcmene: You are not the son of
Amphitryon, I swear upon my love for you. You are Hercules, gift of
Hera, son of Zeus.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcides: Chiron?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chiron: My prince?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcides: Has my mother spoken of this
to anyone?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Chiron: No, I assure you, no one.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcides: Because the king is a jealous
man and most likely believe this mad talk.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alcmene looks at her son with a look of
pure fucking confusing on his face, which coincidentally matches the
one I had after watching this scene and rewinding it about eight
times. What the fuck is he talking about? And that is what he said
verbatim, I didn't omit any words of pluralization that should have
been there. Then the scene just ends, because I get the impression
absolutely no one involved in the making of this film gave a damn as
long as their checks cleared. Amphy's army sets sail for Egypt,
sailing across the seas in some hilariously bad green screen shots.
I'm sure you're getting tired of me bagging on the CGI in this thing,
but there is absolutely NO REASON for a big budget film made in 2013
to look THIS bad.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">How about I discuss the wretched
editing instead? A lot of scenes just end abruptly, such as the next
one where Alcides is talking to the general of the troops, Sotiris.
Sotiris is bitching about how Amphy didn't send enough men leading
him to suspect the king wants them dead... and the scene just stops.
Smooth storytelling flow, what's that?! By the way, Sotiris is
probably the only “actor” in the entire movie, as he's played by
Liam McIntyre of <i>Spartacus</i> fame. He should really be playing
Hercules and not the <i>Twilight</i> guy, due to the fact he has
immediately charisma and knows how to put emphasis on words. The
next scene they're in Egypt, walking through a rocky passage where
they get attacked by their enemies. Establishing shots, what are
those?! The Greeks raise their shields and enter the Testudo
formation, as you MIGHT have seen in <i>300</i>. They fight
valiantly- no wait, boring as possible until they're all killed off,
save Alcides and Sotiris who get captured instead since they're the
only characters the movie bothered to give names to.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Tarak, the enemy general, asks which
soldier is Prince Alcides. Sotiris lies and points out one of the
dead men, Tarak ordering one of his soldiers to take Alcides' helmet
back to Amphy to brag. Tarak is about to have them killed when
Alcides tells him to sell them into slavery instead, since they're
survive the trial. Impressed by his moxie, Tarak asks what his name
is. Gosh, WHATEVER will he respond with? And if you're keeping
track of these things, Tarak is played by Johnathon Schaech, whom I
will always remember as playing the bad guy in the 2008 remake of the
slasher film <i>Prom Night</i>. A lot of people DESPISE that movie,
saying it's just another pointless remake of a classic that didn't
need updating, but it's one of the few remakes out there I'll
actually defend.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Why will have to wait for another day,
first we have to make it through this slog. Much padding does
follow, including a jarring scene where Punk Ass goes to his mother
to discuss how to win his bride-to-be over. Alcmene responds with
outright scorn, saying Hebe will never love him just as she doesn't
love his father, with the added bonus that she really doesn't give a
fuck about Punk Ass either. Even though she's right, I'm rather
upset with her because this made me feel a bit sorry for Punk Ass,
and that's a crime that can never be forgiven. This is a great
opportunity to point out this movie should have gotten another Razzie
consideration for Worst Supporting Actress for Roxanne McKee's
Alcmene, she reads ever line either like she didn't get any sleep the
night before or is bitter as hell she was unable to get out of her
contract before filming began.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We take a break from <i>Hercules</i> to
bring you <i>Gladiator</i>, only it's <i>Low Rent Gladiator</i>
taking place in an underground fight club since making an arena would
be WAY too much work. Hercules and Sotiris are slow motion fighting
their way through the ranks, because OF COURSE they are. At 45
minutes in, the movie feels like it's already kicked into autopilot
and is just coasting from here on out. We go back to Greece to see
Amphy kill Alcmene when she finally tells him the truth behind
Hercules' creation, which I guess is supposed to make us hate him
more but all I can think is “YES! No more Godawful scenes with
her!”.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As time goes on, Hercules and Sotiris
try to convince their owner to take them to Greece to fight in
Amphy's ancient version of Wrestlemania, where the main event
features two men facing six undefeated warriors. The owner agrees to
this if they can beat his two best men, which they do with ease even
though Sotiris gets injured and will be unable to compete. No
matter, Hercules gots this one! Is there even a point to watching
the rest of this? Hercules is going to overcome the odds, smite all
evil, marry Hebe, and live happily ever after. To it's credit, the
film does try to add SOMETHING to this paper thin plot by sneaking
around Greece and marshaling support for Hercules, but it's not like
anybody cares since ol' Herc is utterly unstoppable. When your
character is horribly overpowered, it doesn't exactly create a lot of
tension or fear that he might not succeed.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Case in point: he ANNIHILATES the six
warriors in under two minutes. This scene was interesting to me for
two reasons: one, the complete lack of blood despite all kinds of
swords piercing flesh, and two, one of the gladiators was a woman.
It's not the fact that she was a woman, because woman gladiators
absolutely existed, but instead the fact that Herc DOESN'T kill her
despite butchering everyone else. It's like they wanted this film to
be the most sterile and staying inside the line experience shot on
camera outside of the children's programming offered by PBS. The
arena brawl over, Maximus begins to reach out to those still loyal to
him in a bid to overthrow Commodus. I think? I'll be honest, I'm
starting to get VERY confused as to what movie I'm watching right
now.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We get a bunch of set up for the
inevitable final battle, including a scene where Hera meets with Herc
to... waste a few minutes with pointless exposition. Herc must learn
to embrace his true destiny if he's to overthrow his father, even
there's no logical reason why he just doesn't march into the palace
right now and snap Amphy's neck. Probably because there movie's
barely half over and things must be streeeeeeeeeeeeeetched out.
Scene after scene of nothing follows until we get one where Amphy
meets with Tarak, whom was actually WORKING for the king the entire
time. I see... the king is a treacherous asshole who sent Herc on a
one way mission to conveniently get him out of the picture, which we
ALREADY KNEW. Good God, was this meant to be a kids' movie? Was the
target audience seven year olds?!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They wisely cut this scene short before
we can start wondering why Tarak sold Herc and Sotiris into slavery
if his ONE JOB was to kill them, to show us Sotiris coming home to
find his wife dead. Tarak and his crew materialize out of nowhere to
surround him, the general taking out his sword and beginning to fuck
them up until Punk Ass shows up holding Sotiris' young son hostage.
Sotiris ends his onslaught, agreeing to take them to where Herc is
hiding in exchange for not killing his son. Hercules is forced to
surrender when Punk Ass holds a blade to Hebe's throat, not wanting
to risk his beloved getting killed. This was an interesting contrast
with Sotiris' previous scene, where he conveyed fear and emotion over
Punk Ass' cowardice to us while Herc just stood around looking
stupid.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Herc is taken to the public square and
LIGHTLY whipped to give us a teensy tiny amount of blood, because no
way in hell the movie is going to dirty up that chiseled body of his.
Amphy shows up to do the prerequisite shit talking, having Sotiris
and Chiron brought out for Punk Ass to kill. We get the shoulder
angel and devil mechanic as Herc and Amphy try to sway Punk Ass to
their line of thinking, but Herc loses and the future king stabs
Chiron. Figuring he has nothing to lose at this point, Herc looks
skyward and implores his real father for help, yelling that he
believes in him. This grants him super strength, as he breaks free
of his chains and turns into Kratos from <i>God of War</i> as he
whips his manacles at the soldiers trying to stop him. All the bad
guys turn tail and run, the remaining soldiers in the square pledging
their loyalty to Herc.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Amphy and his cohorts retreat to their
castle while Herc rallies up the troops to storm it. The action is
every bit as lifeless and bland as you'd imagine, until we end up
with a standoff in the courtyard of Herc's men up against Tarak's
forces. Because this would be WAY too much effort to choreograph,
Zeus summons lightning to strike Herc's sword and give him a SUPER
SWORD that he uses to decimate everyone in his path. This effect is
laugh out loud funny and EASILY the highlight of this thing so far,
it's so over-the-top cheesy that I couldn't help but love it. If the
rest of the movie had been filled with this kind of goofy video game
shit then it probably would have been an all-time classic. The fight
scene sadly ends too soon, leaving Hercules to square off against
Amphy in a duel to the death, echoing how Amphy originally gained his
power. Amphy is somehow more than able to hold his own and dominate
the battle, because I guess the writers suddenly remembered a hero is
supposed to have a credible villain to fight.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Herc is able to battle back and put him
into a choke hold, about to finish him when Punk Ass shows up with
Hebe in tow. Does this guy have ANY other move than “hold
protagonist’s loved one prisoner”?! Hebe, sick and tired of being Damsel in
Distress #8,210,005, says “fuck this!” and STABS HERSELF THROUGH
THE CHEST to kill Punk Ass. Well, can't say I saw THAT one coming.
Amphy uses this distraction to break free, but Herc ends up stabbing
him through the chest to end this once and for all. Herc rushes to
Hebe's side, thankful to find she's still alive because she missed
her heart. Sure, why not, at least it wasn't another “loved one
dies in their soul mate's arms” scene. We jump to at least nine
months later where Hebe is giving birth to Herc's son, as our final
shot is Herc looking up at the sky and smiling.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">How come I raved about something as
generic as </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-dracula-untold.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Dracula Untold</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, but was bored into oblivion by this
equally generic film, you may be wondering? After all, they are
shockingly similar in their premise and plot. A few things, despite
being as bloodless as <i>Hercules</i>, <i>Dracula</i> was awesomely
violent to the point where you can tell they were really trying to
create something unique and stylized. Hercules was such a guy
stabbing people with a sword in slow motion, something we haven't
already been a billion times over or anything. Two, despite being
Death Incarnate itself, <i>Dracula</i> still had weaknesses and thus
was a vulnerable hero. Even though I knew he'd triumph over all
odds, it still added intrigue to the fight scenes to see HOW we'd
overcome said weaknesses.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Third, the special effects weren't very
special. 3D has ruined more movies than it's helped, and you'll
never find a better example than this one. I would ever go as far as
saying </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/10/a-ghoul-versus-saw-vii-final-chapter-in.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Saw: The Final Chapter</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> had better 3D, and that one made my eyes
bleed. The CGI... oh God, the CGI. You are SERIOUSLY fucking up if
your CGI looks inferior to movies that are twenty plus years old,
that is almost an accomplishment unto itself.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Fourth, and most important of all,
<i>Dracula</i> was a movie with ACTING. I'm not saying it was the
greatest acting of all time, but everyone was treating it like they
were in a real movie. <i>Hercules</i> absolutely deserved all the
Razzies it was nominated for, it's mind boggling to think someone out
there did a worse job than Kellan Lutz and Gaia Weiss. They were SO
deadpan and monotone, lacking a single spark of chemistry of emotion.
I compared this movie to a video game on several occasions, well I
can think of dozens of digital characters that turned in better
performances than these two did. Certainly ones that were more
lifelike and convincing. The acting extends to everyone else in the
film as well with the exception of Liam McIntyre, who was wisely
kicked to the side when he started outshining Lutz every time they
were on screen together.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is the bottom of the barrel for
movies, as it's so wooden and unoriginal there is nothing to
recommend. It's bad, but not “so bad, it's funny” bad. I can
barely remember anything I just watched, with the exception of the
Lightning Sword because that was just too batshit crazy to not
appreciate. Avoid at all costs, this is an hour and a half of your
life that you'll NEVER get back.</span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-16041481954617715422015-02-22T19:11:00.003-07:002015-04-06T15:34:23.137-06:00A Ghoul Versus The 35th Annual Razzie Awards<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Tonight are the 87<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>th</sup> Academy
Awards, in which the best and brightest of the film industry are
honoured with the much coveted golden Oscar statues. The Golden
Raspberry Awards are the antithesis of this as they honour the worst
and the stupidest the industry churns out with cheaply made awards
called the Razzies. Begun in 1981 by publicist John J.B. Wilson,
they originally were held in the living room of his house but
gradually grew in scope over the years until they commanded their own
theater attended by hundreds. Even some of Hollywood's biggest stars
have shown up to claim their awards, including Ben Affleck, Sandra
Bullock, and Halle Berry.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As is the tradition, the Razzies are
always held the night before the Oscars and thus the 35<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>th</sup>
annual show just went down yesterday. You may recall many, many
moons ago I predicted the abominable </span></span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-ghoul-versus-robocop-2014-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Robocop remake</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> was going to rack up the
nominations in the same manner it racked up my complete disdain. I'm
always a big enough zombie to admit when I was wrong, but even I was
shocked at how wrong I was. <i>Robocop</i> didn't even score a
SINGLE nomination, not even in Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, Or
Sequel. Fucking REALLY, Razzies? Did they not see that movie? The
Razzies have always had a reputation for picking on what's really
popular to hate, hence why Michael Bay and Adam Sandler always do
quite well come award season, but to not even give <i>Robocop</i>
acknowledgment of any kind? Pitiful. What did win for 2014?</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Worst Picture</span></b></u></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i><b>Saving Christmas (winner)</b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Left Behind</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>The Legend of Hercules</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/10/a-ghoul-versus-transformers-age-of.html" target="_blank">Transformers: Age of Extinction</a></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Worst Actor</span></b></u></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<b>Kirk Cameron for <i>Saving Christmas</i><i>
(winner)</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Nicolas Cage for <i>Left Behind</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Kellan Lutz for <i>The Legend of
Hercules</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Adam Sandler for <i>Blended</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Seth MacFarlane for <i>A Million Ways
to Die in the West</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Worst Actress</span></b></u></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<b>Cameron Diaz for <i>The Other Woman</i>
and <i>Sex Tape</i><i> (winner)</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Drew Barrymore for <i>Blended</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Female Adam Sandler for <i>Tammy</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Charlize Theron for <i>A Million Ways
to Die in the West</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Gaia Weiss for <i>The Legend of
Hercules</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Worst Supporting Actor</span></b></u></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<b>Kelsey Grammer for a fuckton of
movies. He had a ROUGH year.<i> (winner)</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Mel Gibson for <i>The Expendables 3</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Shaquille O'Neal for <i>Blended</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Arnold Schwarzenegger for <i>The
Expendables 3</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Kiefer Sutherland for <i>Pompeii</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Worst Supporting Actress</span></b></u></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<b>Megan Fox for <i>Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles</i><i> (winner)</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Cameron Diaz for <i>Annie</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Nicola Peltz for <i>Transformers: Age
of Extinction</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Bridgette Cameron Ridenour for <i>Saving
Christmas</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Susan Sarandon for <i>Tammy</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Worst Screen Combo (this is
usually the best category)</span></b></u></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<b>Kirk Cameron and his ego for <i>Saving
Christmas</i><i> (winner)</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Any two robots, actors, or robotic
actors for <i>Transformers: Age of Extinction</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel for <i>Sex
Tape</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Kellan Lutz and either his abs, his
pecs, or his glutes for <i>The Legend of Hercules</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Seth MacFarlane and Charlize Theron for
<i>A Million Ways to Die in the West</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off,
Or Sequel</span></b></u></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i><b>Annie (winner)</b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Atlas Shrugged Part III</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>The Legend of Hercules</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Transformers: Age of Extinction</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Worst Director</span></b></u></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<b>Michael Bay for <i>Transformers: Age
of Extinction</i><i> (winner)</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Darren Doane for <i>Saving Christmas</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Renny Harlin for <i>The Legend of
Hercules</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Jonathan Liebesman for <i>Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Seth MacFarlane for <i>A Million Ways
to Die in the West</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Worst Screenplay</span></b></u></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<b><i>Saving Christmas</i> by Darren
Doane and Cheston Hervey<i> (winner)</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Left Behind</i> by Paul LaLonde and
John Patus</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Sex Tape</i> by Kate Angelo, Jason
Segel, and Nicholas Stoller</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles</i> by
Josh Appelbaum, Andre Nemec, and Evan Daugherty</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<i>Transformers: Age of Extinction</i>
by Ehren Kruger</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Wow, one can definitely see some
patterns emerge from that list. Although I've always thought the
Razzies make more sense than the Oscars in that aspect, the most
critically acclaimed movies SHOULD dominate all categories. I mean,
a truly great movie isn't great based off the sole work of one
person, all fields that came together to create it should get their
respective shout outs like <i>Silence of the Lambs</i> did in 1992. <em>
Saving</em> <em>Christmas</em> really needs no introduction if you even remotely
follow movie news, it's the latest effort by... actor? Television
personality? Kirk Cameron, a “faith-based comedy” that is all
about putting the Christ back into Christmas! It was released on
November 14, 2014 to a slew of horrible reviews, racking up an
impressive ZERO percent on Rotten Tomatoes and has gone on to become
the LOWEST RATED FILM on IMDB.com.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To be fair though, after his film came
out Cameron took to Facebook to combat the negative reviews, blaming
them all on “atheists and haters”, urging his fans to upvote the
movie. This backfired as expected and the rating continued to sink
to the point where I'm shocked it's not in the negatives, so one must
take those zeros with a grain of salt as a fair percentage of the
reviews are by people just spiting Cameron for his bravado. Not to
say that I think the film is good, I've seen a few of his previous
movies and they hurt me like a shotgun blast to the brain, but it
likely isn't the worst movie of all time. I guess we'll find out
when it hits home video, which I'm actually shocked it hasn't
already.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cameron Diaz racking up the nominations
for her acting is no surprise, I can't say I've seen her in a film I
enjoyed the past decade. She's one of those actresses that started
off strong with quality roles in <i>Feeling Minnesota, A Life Less
Ordinary</i>, and <i>Vanilla Sky</i>, then just started going
downhill quick. It doesn't help she's done mostly comedies as of
late, which have all been some of the worst examples of eliciting
laughter from an audience you'll ever see. <i>What Happens in Vegas</i>,
anyone? <i>The Other Woman</i> has gotten MASSIVE levels of hate to
the point it'll probably be popping up on here soon, especially with
the fact when I was doing my research for my review of </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-ghoul-versus-walk-of-shame-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Walk of Shame</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> (which should have gotten a couple of Razzie nods itself) the two movies were compared to each
other more often than not.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I did see Kelsey Grammer in the fourth
Bayformers movie, and I didn't think he was THAT bad so his other
roles in the <i>Expendables 3, Legends of Oz</i>, and <i>Think Like a
Man Too</i> must have been ATROCIOUS. <i>Think Like a Man TOO</i>?
God. Megan Fox FINALLY winning a Razzie was long overdue, she was
TOTALLY ROBBED in 2010 and 2011 to the same level of <i>Saving
Private Ryan</i> not winning the Oscar in 1999, so it's good to see
justice has been served at long last. I've been putting off watching
<i>Ninja Turtles</i> for as long as possible, but I may have to move
it up my queue in lieu of her much deserved award.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I haven't seen <i>Annie</i> either, but
it does sound like it deserved to win as it was a BEYOND pointless
remake with some inexplicable updating. I have no desire to ever
watch that one, so I'll just accept it's somehow worse than <i>Age of
Extinction</i>. And speaking of that, congratulations to Michael Bay
for winning his second Worst Director Razzie! I'm glad he was able
to recover from his soul crushing defeat in 2012 when he should have
won for </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-transformers-dark-of.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Transformers: Dark of the Moon</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> but lost to Dennis Dugan for <i>Jack
and Jill</i> and <i>Just Go With It</i>. A two hundred million
dollar clusterfuck of epic proportions should never lose to two Adam
Sandler movies that barely even qualify as movies, just saying.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Of all the nominees on here, the one
that caught my eye most was <i>the Legend of Hercules</i>. Starring
Kellan Lutz of </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-twilight-saga-twilight.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Twilight</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> fame, this film sports a 3% on Rotten
Tomatoes and has graced MANY “Worst of 2014” lists. I've been
saving it for a </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Dueling%20Movies" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Dueling Movies</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> feature review with Dwayne “The Rock”
Johnson's own version of <i>Hercules</i>, but I think it's impressive
number of nominations just shot it to the top of my list. Expect it
in a few days unless it's the movie that finally does me in, but if
the </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_19.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">last</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_21.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">few</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Andy Sidaris films or </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-houses-october-built.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the Houses October Built</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> couldn't do that job then nothing can!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-89441271878905042852015-02-22T16:07:00.001-07:002015-03-27T20:39:56.946-06:00A Ghoul Versus The Houses October Built<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>Just how Found Footage is your
Found Footage movie?”</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The <i>Paranormal</i> <i>Activity</i>
franchise launched a lot of careers in the movie industry, but I'm
not talking about acting ones. Instead I'm referring to producers,
specifically Oren Peli (who also wrote and directed the first movie),
Jason Blum, and Steven Schneider, who are among THE hottest
properties in Hollywood right now. Between these three men, they've
produced over thirty mainstream horror movies since 2007, earning
well over A BILLION dollars in profit. Even more impressive, they've
done this with “micro-budget” films, not a single one of them
having a budget that exceeded ten million dollars. This is why no
matter how bad it gets (and wow, is it bad right now), mainstream
horror will never go away because it's basically guaranteed profit.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Today we're going to be taking a look
at one of Schneider's latest productions, <i>The Houses October
Built</i>. The film was actually based on a 2011 documentary by the
team of Bobby Roe, Zack Andrews, and Jeff Larson, in which they
traveled across the country exploring the growing phenomenon of
Halloween haunted houses (better known as “haunts”) that go the
extra mile to scare people by really amping up the terror. Along
with their interviewer Brandy Schaefer and Bobby's brother Mikey, who
handled editing duties, they drove around in an RV talking to people
who ran the crazier haunts. It was a fairly interesting documentary,
but then it took an inexplicable detour into fiction when they
started pursuing a legendary place called the Blue Skeleton Inn and
ended up getting killed in the end. It was jarring, to say the
least.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cut to a couple of years later and the
idea came around to make a movie based out of their documentary,
since it was a unique premise in the WAY overcrowded world of found
footage horror. All of the film makers signed on to play themselves,
Bobby was handed directorial duties, and on October 10, 2014 we had
ourselves a movie. Was it any good? That's what I'm here to answer,
so put on your best brave face and enter the dark hallway, because
it's time for <i>A Ghoul Versus The Houses October Built</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open with a montage of haunted house
owners and customers discussing their experiences with fear, much of
it taken straight from the original documentary. A title card
informs us what we're about to see was filmed by five friends on a
cross country trip, while the ending footage was allegedly shot by
employees of the Blue Skeleton. We see masked men loading
Brandy into a car trunk, which somehow has a camera mounted inside of
it. Oh found footage, you so crazy. She wakes up and begins to
panic as we go back six days earlier to see how it all happened.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know you've heard this criticism a
thousand times over and will hear it a thousand times again, but this
is SUCH a glaring flaw in all of these movies: WHO EDITS FOOTAGE LIKE
THIS?! Okay, say a bunch of people did get killed while filming
their adventure, and the cameras are found by the authorities.
Someone is going to go through all of the footage for clues and
whatnot, sure. Obviously to make their case, they're going to edit
any highlights with evidence into one single video. Why the fuck
would they do it out of order?! Or, even better, include any kind of
shit that has nothing to do with the crime? Do we need to see our
cast talk to each other for half an hour about absolutely nothing?
This NEVER fails to take me out of the story, which is the worst
thing you can do in a movie!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Six days ago in Tyler, Texas, our five
friends meet up in a bar to discuss their plan of renting an RV so
they can find the most badass haunt in America just for the sake of
experiencing it. In real life the plot of this movie was supposed to
mirror the documentary, but somewhere between creation and shooting
it was changed to this. This is definitely less interesting than the
documentary, as well as creating the typical plothole of why they
feel the need to film EVERY FUCKING SECOND of their trip. How do you
screw that up? You were handed the PERFECT explanation for cameras
being everywhere and somehow drop the ball.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They attend their first haunt, in which
Mikey makes an ass out of himself and pisses off the workers there,
including one ominous looking clown. And yes, I realize calling a
clown ominous is rather redundant. The next haunt has them shooting
paintballs at a horde of oncoming zombies, which I find VERY
offensive. On their way out Brandy happens to notice a woman in a
porcelain doll mask standing near the road, who was also at the first
haunt. Zack says that's impossible since that was a hundred miles in
the other direction, Mikey having Jeff pull the RV over so he can go
talk to her. She doesn't say anything, instead following him into
the RV where she sits down and stares at everyone, ignoring
everything they say to her. She then screams at them and leaves, in
what I like to call BEST. EXIT. EVER. I also want to point out
between each visit to a haunt they show more interview footage with
various people, which makes zero sense since they're not making a
documentary in this one.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Day three brings us Zack finding
mentions online of a really extreme haunt that requires a password of
some sort, and he's convinced he'll find it in the backwoods of
Texas. Yeah, that's a million dollar idea there. They head to the
Terrorplex, where Zack encounters a man in a bloody bunny costume
while he's out in the woods turning a tree into an impromptu
bathroom. The bunny chases him around with an ax for awhile, and
then walks away laughing. Zack is still game after this to go into
the Terrorplex, which looks FUCKING AMAZING. Like all the other
haunts featured in the film, this one really exists and is located in
Mansfield, Texas. They film makers were able to save a small fortune
by filming in these real life locations, as it saved them having to
build any sets of their own.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">With two days to go to Halloween, they
visit a horror themed strip bar because there was no real other way
to work boobs into this thing and DAMMIT, all horror films need
boobs. That scene almost felt like I was watching another </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Andy%20Sidaris" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Andy Sidaris film.</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> The boob requirement out of the way,
they pull up to the Phobia haunt. They aren't allowed to film there
so we don't get to see anything that happens, but Zack does manage to
find the location of the Blue Skeleton from a couple of locals,
learning it's in Louisiana. They all go to bed for their big day
tomorrow, unaware a man in a skull mask breaks into their RV to film
them and steal Jeff's driver's license. In the morning Zack finds
the footage has been posted to a haunt chat room, showing it to Bobby
who sternly warns him not to tell the others or else they'll want to
go home. Shouldn't YOU want to fucking go home too, Bobby?! You can
tell a movie is about to happen, everyone is fighting to carry the
famed Idiot Ball.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The two are unable to hide... whatever
the hell is going on for long though, as Mikey finds a raw heart that
someone left in their fridge. Zack throws it out and they hit the
road, where he gets some more information about the Blue Skeleton.
They have to go to a bar in Baton Rouge and ask for a man called
Giggles, which turns out to be a bar filled with freaks in costumes.
After Brandy nearly gets assaulted in the ladies room, they leave but
are STILL determined to find the Blue Skeleton. It's movies like
this that make you wonder what it'd actually take to make everyone
realize their current course of action is UNWISE. Like at this point
I could seriously see Jeff or Mikey get butchered with a chainsaw and
the rest would still press on.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Case in point, the next scene finds
their RV COMPLETELY SURROUNDED by a gang of costumed freaks, some
even climbing on their roof. Our Fab Five GTFO, but still don't seem
that fussed about everything. Even Brandy, who was nearly gang raped
in a bathroom, just gives everyone the silent treatment instead of
DEMANDING they drive her home. The morning takes us to the day of
Halloween, where someone throws a pumpkin at the side of their RV.
Zack, who is the genius of this group, goes outside to investigate
and finds a note tied to the stem saying “Carve me”. He does
just that, finding an invitation to the Blue Skeleton inside. They
also find some silver skull masks stuck to the outside of the camper,
one for each person.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They drive down to Bourbon Street, the
location listed in the invitation. Zack and Bobby are both fully on
board with this, while everyone else is just like “eh, whatever”.
This is a group of people I want to see die violently. Since it's
Halloween, Bourbon Street is PACKED with party goers and Jeff
eventually loses track of his friends. He ends up in an empty alley,
where Porcelain Girl, Scary Clown, Bloody Bunny, and a couple of
others appear out of thin air and begin to advance on him. First
person shaky cam takes over from here so it's hard to tell what
happens in detail, but he gets beat down and dragged away. Back on
the streets, Zack tries to call him but only gets his voice mail
which instructs them to drive out to a road in the middle of nowhere
to find the Blue Skeleton. AND THEY DRIVE OUT THERE! Yes, let's
absolutely NOT get the cops involved in the slightest or anything.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">God, maybe there's a plot twist coming that Zack is secretly working
with the masked freaks because then this movie would start making
sense. They drive out to the dirt road, a bus
pulling up to greet them. Skull Mask steps out and looks at them,
Zack getting a text saying if they don't come out within sixty
seconds then Jeff will die. Zack leaves the RV but no one else does,
so more masked men break into the camper and remove everyone by
force. Hoods are placed over their heads and they're marched onto
the bus, driven out to a mystery location while the skull masks film
them. Everyone is led off the bus except for Brandy, who is told to
count to thirty, remove her hood, and take the camera to film what
she sees. She obeys, seeing a small house outside that she enters.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The film pretty much goes off the rails
from here, as we alternate between the actors (all with their own
camera) wandering around the house going “What the fuck?” and
“How do I get out of here?” while encountering the masked
denizens of the place. This goes on FOREVER as I try to count the
number of times someone screams “Fuck!” but give up when I
realize I can't count that high. At long last the editor gets as
bored as I am so brings the film full circle, cutting to the opening
with Brandy being stuffed into the trunk of the car. She wakes up in
a coffin, being buried alive by the masked men. We get brief shots
of Bobby, Zack, and Mikey also waking up in similar predicaments.
Brandy screams and screams for help as the dirt gets piled on deeper
and deeper, and guess what? That's the end! Fuck you audience!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Introducing the “How Found Footage Is
Your Found Footage?” Meter:</span></div>
<ol><span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Introduce a cast of young, white
people that are all long time friends (+1)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">1a. HUGE bonus points if any of the
main cast are minorities (+3)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Spend the first act of your movie
showing us how stupid the cast is by either:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">2a. Putting all of their trust into a
complete stranger they just met that is so shady even Helen Keller
could tell they're up to no good (+1)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">2b. Putting all of their trust into
one of their friends, despite the fact this friend is equally stupid
and/or has a deathwish (+1)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Have whatever situation the cast
has gotten themselves into be completely preventable at this point,
but have them make it worse by any means possible (+1)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Spend the second act having shit
get real, as the audience starts heavily rooting for their most
hated character to die first (+1)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Disappoint the audience by having
that character continue to survive, while less detestable characters
are bumped off during the third act (+1)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Finally kill off the most hated
character, leaving only a Final Girl and possibly a weak and/or
dying male character (+1)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">6a. Bonus points if the male is a
nerd (+2)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Have Final Girl ALMOST make it out
alive, only to die horrifically in the final shot. Do a hard fade
to black (+1)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">7a. Bonus points if after the fade to
black, we get some kind of footage of a character talking that is an
ironic echo of the events we just saw (+2)</span></div>
</li>
</li>
</li>
</li>
</li>
</li>
</li>
</ol>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">0 – There is no way this movie
exists, so this is clearly a dream</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
1-2 – DAMN! Instead of wasting your
time directing movies, you should be using your miraculous creativity
to cure cancer or something</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
3-4 – Probably the next
groundbreaking movie in the horror genre</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
5-7 – Pretty familiar territory, but
at least it was arranged uniquely enough</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
8-10 – How many times have I seen
this movie already? I've lost track</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
11-13 – Adam Sandler is jealous of
your total commitment to lazy film-making</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
14 – Congratulations, a PERFECT
SCORE! You must be so proud of yourself, making one of the most
predictable and formulaic movies since the last <i>Expendables</i>
sequel!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And there you have it! The last eight
years worth of found footage films, every single fucking one of them.
This movie scored a 9, which is bang on. You know what's funny
about that list? I composed it in my head while thinking of another
Oren Peli produced film, the <i>Chernobyl</i> <i>Diaries</i>, but
that's how trite this formula is. It really doesn't help we
basically have three men making the bulk of the genre, they have a
mathematical equation to print money and they know it. As I just
proved, people will still watch because they're cheap and readily
available. I bought this movie for twelve bucks brand new, that's at
least ten dollars cheaper than most new releases.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Why did I buy it when I obviously have
quite the disdain for these types of movies? The 2011 documentary
sounded fascinating, haunted houses are something I'm very interested
in and have never seen much coverage devoted to them. I figured that
was worth the price of admission for a double bill featuring another
found footage film, and I still stand by that. The documentary had
WAY too much of the filmmakers bickering with each other over where
to go next, but the actual interviews were very fascinating. It's a
shame it turned into fiction at the end, because that really made you
doubt if any of it was real. However, I did some research after
watching it and learned everything up to the Blue Skeleton Inn was a
real place.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The film itself though... blegh. The
five actors are childhood friends who all grew up together, so they
had some great chemistry with each other that helped make up for
their questionable acting talents. Porcelain Girl looked cool, and
the shot with all the freaks surrounding the RV was suitably nice.
And thus ends everything nice I have to say about the movie.
Discounting how everyone was too fucking stupid to live, it was just
boring. It's almost impossible to create any kind of atmosphere or
connection between characters when you can never see the one holding
the camera, which is arguably the biggest failure of found footage.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And did you notice I never ONCE
bothered to point out how nothing really made that much sense? How
were the Blue Skeleton Crew able to know exactly where the leads were
going, much less race ahead of them to set up shop? Towards the end
of the movie it's implied the bus has been bugged, but that had to
have happened when they broke in to plant the heart, right? They'd
already been following them hundreds of miles previous to that. And
why did they choose these five morons anyway? Because Mikey got on
the roof of that one haunt that WASN'T EVEN THEIRS? Why would they
go to all of that trouble to kill five people when it would have been
much easier to just find people in Louisiana? You KNOW a movie is
boring when I don't even care about any of these key plot points.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Things just plod along in, and this one
was even worse due to its recycling of footage from the documentary.
If you haven't seen the documentary it's not a big deal, but if you
have you're reaching for the fast forward button quicker than usual.
How weird is it that a movie about haunted houses would be one of the
least scary films I've ever seen? I would avoid this movie at all
costs, but would give the documentary a shot if you have even a
passing interest in horror. There's some good stuff in there up til
the end.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-51946217757600338202015-02-21T10:28:00.001-07:002015-02-21T10:28:26.576-07:00A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Fit To Kill<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>Toward the end, when we did Fit
To Kill, Dona said to Arlene 'I feel like in this script there's a
little bit more nudity,' and Arlene said 'Rest assured, Dona. You're
absolutely fucking right.' There was a lot more nudity, but that's
the way it's going to be. That's just the way that one worked out.”
- Andy Sidaris</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_19.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on Hard Hunted...</span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Bah, I don't want to relive that. Andy
Sidaris gave us an IMMENSELY entertaining story that had all kinds of
over the top fun... until he threw a rape in. Oh, and Kane
transformed from an elderly Asian man into a white British guy in his
late 20's. And like half the cast of the last movie that were killed
came back from the dead with new identities- and you know what? I'm
wasting my time here. What IS important is that Kane escaped death
once again, so you just know he'll be showing his smug face to throw
more drama into the lives of Donna and Nicole.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Speaking of Kane, did you know he's
played by the son of Roger “James Bond” Moore? Geoffrey Moore's
last on screen role was this very film as he now works as a producer
and restaurateur, but gave acting one last attempt in 2004 when he
auditioned to take his father's place as the new Bond. He faced some
stiff competition against people such as Hugh Jackman, Clive Owen,
Jude Law, and some guy named Daniel Craig. How'd that ever work out,
anyway? Maybe I'll have to find out someday...</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Moving on, today we have the next film
in the Sidarisverse, 1993's <i>Fit To Kill</i>. It's BY FAR my most
anticipated movie since I heard Erik Estrada was going to be in one
of the movies, as this one boasts the FINAL APPEARANCES of Donna and
Nicole! HUZZAH! I'm just going to go ahead and say it, Megan Fox's </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-transformers-2007-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Mikaela</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> has more screen presence than these
two. Hell, the freaking Underwear Model from </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-transformers-dark-of.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Bayformers: Dark Of The Moon</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> has more screen presence than they do!
Grab the brooms and get ready to sweep out a LOT of dead weight,
because it's now time for <i>A Ghoul Versus Fit To Kill</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open in Hawaii, with Donna and
Nicole getting their bikini on in a pond while armed goons sneak up
on them. Or I guess not? The next shot has the two women armed to
the teeth and sneaking through the grass hunting for two masked men.
Did they honestly take a break from a manhunt to frolic in the water?
That's all new levels of not giving a fuck for our heroic duo! Oh
snap, it was just a friendly game of paintball they were playing with
Bruce and Shane, which surprised me about as much as the fact as
thing opened with T and A shots. The game gets interrupted by an
impromptu missile attack from a remote controlled helicopter, which
makes like the third of fourth one in the series. I think it's safe
to say Andy Sidaris has a fondness for choppers that ranks up there
with his love for boobs.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is revealed to be Lucas just
fucking with everyone to teach them the important of always staying
on task. BWA HA HA HAH! With this group of idiots?! Good luck with
that, Luke. We return to the KSXY radio station/pool, where Ada is
doing a show while her topless assistant Sandy talks on the phone.
Sandy is played by- wait for it- Sandra Wild, another Playboy model
turned actress. She's one of the more high profile actors in this
thing, as she had brief roles in <i>Star Trek</i> shows <i>The Next
Generation</i> and <i>Deep Space Nine</i>. Here, she continues the
iconic role Becky Mullen had in the last film by... GETTING COFFEE!
Although she's wearing a gold bikini instead of a red one, so I guess
it's vastly different.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Las Vegas is our next stop, where we
see Kane and Silk slumming it up in a fancy hotel featuring some of
the WORST ADR work you'll ever hear in a movie. In case you don't
know, ADR is “automated dialogue recording”, where actors
re-record their lines in a studio to be played over their original on
set dialogue. Usually it's done with finesse so you can't tell it
wasn't filmed live, but here it literally sounds like they're sports
broadcasters doing play-by-play commentary on their scene. But
whatever, because after this we are introduced to JULIE “QUEEN OF
THE B-MOVIES” STRAIN, as she does aerobics in a barely there
bikini.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Strain is a legend that needs no
introduction, she's starred in over one hundred B-movies and has been
the inspiration for about a billion fantasy themed paintings by
artists such as Boris Vallejo, Julie Bell, and Luis Royo. She was
also one of the most popular Penthouse Pets in history, winning the
Pet of the Year award in 1993. AND, to top it all off, she can
actually act. Certainly not the caliber of an Emily Blunt or a Diane
Kruger, but she at least always puts in an effort for her movies to
seem enjoyable. I suppose you could say she's like a female Erik
Estrada. After flexing for the camera for a minute, she takes her
bikini off and the scene ends. Yeah, that's about right.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Kane and Silk have sex so we can get
Carolyn Liu's nudity requirement out of the way, while at the same
time Strain sneaks into their room. Waiting until Kane is alone she
shoots him in the back, but he surprises her by wearing a bulletproof
vest while his men burst into the room and hold her at gunpoint.
We'll have to wait for an explanation for what's going on, because we
get our traditional “Lucas gathers all the agents for a meeting”
scene which usually happens at the end of these things. Mixing it
up, I like it! Edy enters via “comedic” pratfall, which is
completely out of character for her since she's a trained dancer, but
it's way too late in the series to worry about character consistency.
It seems a wealthy businessman named Harris Chang is throwing a
lavish party in two days, and the DEA will be providing security for
the event. The DEA. The Drug Enforcement Administration. Providing
security for a rich guy's party.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I should say everyone but Shane,
because once again he gets radio station duty because EVERYONE knows
he's worthless. Seriously, has he ever done ANYTHING in these
movies? I guess he did accidentally shoot a bad guy in the leg once,
that's worth keeping him around for five plus movies. Kane has
dinner with Strain, where we learn her name is Blu Steele and she was
hired by a former associate of Kane's to kill him. In a SHOCKING bit
of continuity, the associate is the man who stole the Klystron Relay
from the last film to deliver to Kane, with the agreement he'd sell
it to the Middle East and they'd count the money later. With Kane
fucking everything up due to hiring morons, his partner wanted
revenge for costing him a fortune. But of course Kane is on top of
all of this, hiring Blu to work for him in a counter-scheme that is
bound to be overly complex.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Donna, Nicole, and Bruce drive out to
Chang's mansion to talk shop, where he bores us with the EXTENSIVE
history of the Alexa diamond, complete with stock black and white
World War II footage because why not. This is told through one of
the fastest exposition dumps I've ever heard, with Chang's actor
talking at the rate of approximately five hundred words a second. I
have no idea what he's on about, all I know is he's throwing out so
many dates my head is starting to spin. Basically Chang has
possession of a gigantic diamond that the Nazis stole from the
Russians during the war, and now wants to return it as a sign of
reusing the exact same plot from </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Savage Beach-</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> I mean international unity or some
shit. He wisely is doing this at his party when the world's eyes
will be on him... along with every criminal organization in the world
instead of clandestinely doing it in private. BEST. IDEA. EVER.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Blu buys her own remote control
killcopter and then uses it to kill the dealer she bought it from in
a scene that feels like the last few: PURE PADDING. I'll be okay
with this if it leads to a killcopter duel at the end of the movie,
however. Meanwhile at the airport, Ava meets with the Russian
dignitary attending the party and JOY OF JOYS, he's played by Rodrigo
Obregon! God, I love this man. Mikael Petrov is his identity this
go around, and his Russian accent is a thing of pure beauty. Our
principal cast attends the party, including Kane and his cohorts
because he still wears his guise of a legit businessman. Things get
very boring as everyone mingles and dances for what feels like an
eternity, until finally Donna follows Kane upstairs where he kisses
her after confessing he wants to leave his life of crime. Blu, who
is hiding in the curtains, takes a picture of this and then knocks
out Donna with the ol' chloroform rag. Kane breaks into Chang's safe
and takes the diamond, but then gives it to Blu and has her
chloroform him as well.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This turns out to be somewhat clever as
it gives Kane an alibi during the diamond's theft, even though Lucas
knows this is all complete bullshit. Kane returns to his yacht for
celebration sex with Silk while Blu bangs one of his bodyguards. The
next morning we get a virtual shot for shot remake of the last movie
where Kane hired Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino, only this time
they're named Evel and Kenevil instead of Wiley and Coyote. They're
even given the exact same task as last time: kill Lucas and Edy
because Sidaris was TOTALLY out of ideas at this point. There is a
slight variation to this scene when Kenevil is admiring Kane's
pendant and breaks the chain, which is significant because that's how
the agency has been tracking him the last couple of years. Even
though they've never once done anything with this information, I'm
sure it'll come into play finally.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Nicole and Bruce have sex... yawn. I
think at nearly an hour in, I can safely call this movie THE most
boring of the Sidaris Collection. I know I've used the phrase “going
through the motions” several times when talking about this series,
but HOLY SHIT everyone's just going through the motions here. It
feels so cold and assembly line, like “okay here we need to show
this woman's boobs, then an action sequence with a helicopter, then
Shane being an idiot, etc etc etc”. Evel and Kenevil come to our
rescue as they go to a toy store for some LEGIT comedy, but
unfortunately the scene barely lasts a minute. Awww.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Kane's goon takes his pendant to a
jewelry store to get repaired, but walks right into a robbery in
progress. THAT'S some luck. The thieves take the pendant and run,
only to find themselves being pursued by Nicole and Bruce, who are
under the impression it's Kane they're following. If you get REAL
quiet and listen carefully, you can actually hear the movie grinding
to a halt right here. Don't believe me? The next scene is Lucas
doing a photo shoot with Edy which is AWKWARDLY cut with scenes of
them having sex. Thankfully this is where Evel and Kenevil are
planning their hit, but first they have a brief discussion about who
is the better actor: Homer Simpson or Fred Flintstone. This is the
ONLY bit of clever dialogue in the entire franchise, making me wonder
if Sidaris hadn't watched <i>Reservoir Dogs</i> before writing this
script and tried to copy it because this feels very <span style="font-style: normal;">Tarantino-esque</span>.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Just like the last movie, they botch
the job with their patented brand of hijinx and get caught by the
agents. I'd bitch about how pointless that was, but so far it's the
only thing in the movie that entertained me so... success? More
pointlessness follows as Nicole and Bruce get into a shootout with
the robbers and recover the pendant to kill another couple of
minutes. They should have called this “<i>Is It 90 Minutes Yet?:
The Motion Picture</i>”. Donna tries to get in on the action by
spying on Kane's boat, only to get captured by a team of Chinese
assassins that infiltrate the boat. That's right, just keep throwing
random subplots into this thing, one after another. One of them is
BOUND to work, right guys? PLOT TWIST! Blu has been working with
them the entire time! Geez, if you can't trust assassins that were
hired to kill you, who CAN you trust anymore?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The team is headed by Po, Kane's
aforementioned partner in the Klystron Relay debacle, and he wants
the diamond. PLOT TWIST! The diamond is a fake! Well shit, now
what? How about a knife wielding thug trying to kill Ava at the
radio station? Luckily Mikael JUST HAPPENS to be there and fights
him off, the thug quickly running out the back door. That's a good
enough reason for them to start boning, isn't it? Yep. Moving on,
we go back to Kane's boat which Po is sailing back to Chang's estate.
Kane and Donna break down the entire plot for us and try to align
all the double crosses and fakeouts, but it's just too late for me to
care any longer. We also get an epic back story reveal that Kane's
father was the one who stole the diamond from the Nazis, only to get
betrayed by his friend Chang. Chang killed Kane's parents to claim
the diamond for himself, so Kane's ENTIRE character arc has been to
become rich and powerful enough to one day gain revenge against
Chang.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So Kane's SYMPATHETIC now? Okay,
whatever. The reveals keep coming as we learn Mikael masterminded
the whole thug attacking Ava thing so he could nail her, but if she
doesn't care she was assaulted then why should I? There's twelve
minutes left, let's just keep this fucking thing on task. OR NOT,
because the next scene is Kane having a fantasy where he's James Bond
and Donna is a Bond Girl getting naked for him. Holy shit, the movie
has completely lost its mind! That seriously just happened, I had to
rewind to make sure I didn't hallucinate it. The yacht arrives at
Chang's, who has transformed into a full on mustache-twirling villain
as he bores us with his plan to embarrass the agency by releasing the
photos Blu took of Donna and Kane making out. Right, I'd forgotten
about that particular subplot, but who can blame me when there's like
fifty going on at any given moment?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We're not done with the plot twists
just yet though, as Kane tells Chang that Po DOESN'T have the best
interests of China at heart like he thought he did. I don't even
know what's going on right now. Chang thought Po was an agent of
China instead of a petty mercenary? But then why did he- oh wait,
the movie's almost over. Let's focus on that instead. Po shoots
Chang dead, which leads to a shootout joined in progress by Nicole
and Bruce. Why are they magically there when they had no reason to
be? Did I mention the movie is ALMOST OVER?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Many bullets are fired
and all the bad guys are wheedled down to Po and Blu, who breaks out
her killcopter. Lucas shows up with his entry, and we are FINALLY
treated to the rabidly anticipated Killcopter Duel To The Death 2000!
...which is boring as shit, surprise surprise. Lucas gets shot in
the shoulder before he can take out Po's hijacked yacht, so Donna
tags in and saves the day because she IS the star of the series,
ostensibly. Donna surveys the wreckage says and “My work is done
here”, which made me standup and applaud. Not because it was
heroic, but because we ARE DONE WITH DONNA HAMILTON (and Nicole Justin) FOREVER! This
segues to the wrapping up of the dangling plot threads, like Ava
giving Mikael the real diamond. This really made me miss Taryn,
because you KNOW she would have given him the fake and kept the real
one for herself.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Donna and Nicole stand at the beach and
stare off into the water, Nicole wondering where Kane has fled to.
Donna tells her not to worry since Silk has planted another tracker
on him, as well as the fact he'll likely cut down on his evil empire
building now that Chang is dead. Sandy interrupts to give Donna a
letter, which contains the photo of her kissing Kane with a message
saying they'll meet again soon. Yeah, you- you won't. We're done
here.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And thus ends the dramatastic saga of
Donna Hamilton, DEA agent extraordinaire. Seven movies of one of the
most generic and plain Jane characters to ever darken the silver
screen, in which she got naked a lot, killed people, and acted with all the enthusiasm of a coma patient. Her
adventures managed to be both confusing AND boring as hell in one
felled swoop, and the quality steadily went down with each sequel as
franchises are apt to do. These do get a slight pass for this
because of how blatantly proud Andy Sidaris was of their exploitative
nature, as these were ONLY ever about boobs and not the other
bullshit more directors spout when they're talking about the
“artistic nature” of their films.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Unfortunately, boobs can't carry a
movie no matter how much </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Michael%20Bay" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Michael Bay</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> thinks otherwise. Earlier films the
series were fun because they were either batshit crazy (</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_22.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hard Ticket To Hawaii</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">) or a gloriously 80s-style adventure (</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_5.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Guns</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">), but most were just bland as SHIT
paint-by-numbers nonsense. It absolutely didn't help things that
this particular movie ripped off major elements from the previously
worst Sidaris film, <em>Savage Beach, </em>wholesale. Of ALL the films to heavily
borrow from, you chose THAT one?! Just a miserable all around
experience that will find you begging for any kind of distraction to
take your attention away from the boredom, except for when Chu Chu
Malave and Richard Cansino are doing their thing. Those guys rule!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-90461809836447708392015-02-19T00:12:00.001-07:002015-02-19T00:20:23.384-07:00A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Hard Hunted<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>In making a movie, the most
important thing you can do is to keep the action moving as you tell
the story. We don’t do long, drawn out scenes with underlying
psychological bs. We set the story, set the pace and move on. We know
people like our style. And, yes, we throw in nudity whenever possible
and augment it with a whole bunch of chases, explosions and
gunshots.” - Andy Sidaris</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_8.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on Do Or Die...</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Crime lord Kane (Pat Morita) went full
Bond villain and hired a bunch of idiots to try to kill Donna and
Nicole when he had them unarmed and fully at his mercy. Donna and
her legion of boring idiots killed all the assassins but instead of
dealing out the same fate to Kane they secretly had a tracker planted
on him so they could get dirt on his entire organization. It- it
wasn't a very good movie.
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's 1992 and another Sidaris movie.
That's all I got. There's not a lot of information about these films
floating around out there, so let's just get to it. We have no Erik
Estrada this time so we're just going to have to rely on Shane,
Bruce, and Lucas to supply all the cool. ...oh no, WE'RE BONED!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open on a yacht sailing the high
seas where the crew retrieves a box floating in the sea attached to a
floating red bobber. Below deck, a plain evil looking man gets a
modeling show from two lingerie clad beauties, one of them played by
the lovely Silk from the last film. This man is revealed to be Kane
and- WAIT, WHAT?! Kane, as in Masakana Kaneshiro from the last
movie? The guy that was played by Pat Morita?! Surely not, must
just be an amazing coincidence. But that is Silk with him... hmm.
Kane opens the box to find a small statue inside, saying it's some
rare and expensive artifact that he locks up in a safe. We get
further confirmation that this is indeed a continuation of the last
film, as Silk is shown to still be a double agent leaking information
about Kane to the Agency.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Back on land, Edy is now back in Hawaii
and has reopened her resort/restaurant/whatever the hell it's
supposed to be. She's still singing another catchy tune and looking
jaw droppingly gorgeous while doing so, meaning all is right in the
Sidarisverse once again. Her song is being broadcast live by the
local radio station KSXY, which Shane now works at as a DJ. This
scene is notable as the introduction of Becky, a BOMBSHELL blonde in
a red bikini that brings Shane coffee. She's played by Becky Mullen,
who was never a Playboy Playmate but posed in several of their
special edition magazines.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Shane's shift ends and he's relived
by... Ava?! You know, one of the DEAD assassins from the last movie?
What the hell is going on here? We return to Kane's yacht where he
has sex with Silk, unknowingly getting drugged unconscious by another
undercover agent on the yacht posing as a worker. The agent breaks
into his safe to get the statue, caught by a guard but she shoots him
dead. She jumps off the side of the ship, meeting up with another
agent named Cole via windsurfing rig and they return to the shore.
Naturally she strips down real quick to take a shower before getting
dressed, telling Cole she needs to get to the airport ASAP. Cole is
played by Burton “Buzzy” Kerbox, a professional surfer so let's
keep our fingers crossed for a surfing shootout at some point in this
movie. Mika, the undercover agent, calls Edy via the radio station
to secretly send a message requesting extraction as the station is
the agency’s front to relay information between themselves. Edy
directs her to Arizona, where a map shows Donna and Nicole are
stationed.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Because Arizona isn't an abrupt enough
location change for the Sidarisverse, we cut to the Pentagon in
Washington DC where Very Important People are meeting about a device
called the Klystron Relay. It's a new kind of trigger for a nuclear
bomb that was stolen from the Chinese and delivered to Kane, and
Lucas is here to recover it before he can sell it to terrorists. HOLD
UP. Lucas? I don't see Lucas anywhere. Oh wait, he's played by a
completely different actor now named Tony Peck, who looks absolutely
NOTHING like William Bumiller. This movie is jarring as hell so far!
The meeting is interrupted by a phone call from Edy, who tells Lucas
about Mika and the twice stolen device.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Kane awakes and discovers Mika's
treachery, commenting that “our little hummingbird has become a
whore”. I laughed out loud for over a minute straight at this
line, which I think is a good sign I'm going to enjoy this movie.
Cole arrives on the yacht, and we learn he's a double agent working
for Kane. Sooooo... why didn't he just kill Mika and retrieve the
statue the second he met up with her in the water? I think the
answer is because Cole isn't very bright. Kane orders his men to
kill the surfer, but he saves his life by revealing he knows where
Mika is heading. Fortunately, Kane just happens to have a contact in
Arizona, which is no surprise seeing as how the last movie showed he
has operatives in every city in the world apparently.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The contact is a man named Raven,
played by Al Leong who is back to bring some more awesome to the
Sidarisverse. He gets in his gyro-copter and finds Mika almost
immediately, because Arizona must be the size of a broom closet in
this world. He flies over her just as she makes it to the campsite
Donna and Nicole are staying at, shooting the shit out of her with
his cannons. He returns for another pass to take out the rest of the
agents but they manage to escape in their jeep, taking Mika's bag
with them. They head to the airport and book passage to Hawaii,
trying to call Lucas for assistance but can't reach him. This call is
intercepted by one of Raven's connections, who updates him on their
destination.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Lucas rallies all the troops to meet up
in Honolulu, Shane and Bruce arriving first and are surprised to see
Cole there. They meet in private to discuss if he might not be on
the up and up, which is the first recorded history of either of these
guys displaying a single brain cell. Cole eavesdrops on them to get
the news about Donna and Nicole, calling it in to his crew. The
pilots arrive, Nicole going inside to get settled while Donna secures
the plane. She somehow COMPLETELY misses one of Kane's goons
sneaking up behind her and zapping her unconscious, despite the fact
he would have literally been in her peripheral vision the entire
time. He loads up Donna into a nearby plane which takes off, the
goon staying behind to hold off Nicole and the others who were
altered by the commotion.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He's eventually killed, but the plane
has now gotten away during the shootout. It flies far out into the
ocean, where Kane calls her to mock her and telling her she's going
to be dropped out of the plane to her watery doom. Okay, now I
TOTALLY believe this is supposed to be the same Kane because why the
hell didn't he just have her men throw her out of the plane the
second they got airborne and got the Klystron Relay off her? This
buckskin' guy...! Oh, I see why now, it's so Donna can escape her
bonds, grab the statue, and parachute out of the plane because Kane
SO hasn't learned his lesson about how resilient she is. This
sequence is incredibly cool and BY FAR the highlight of Donna's
badassery in the series, she even signs it with an exclamation point
by leaving a grenade behind to blow up the plane and the pilot.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This also draws one of the greatest
reactions from Kane, who heard the entire thing go down over the
radio. He lets out one of the most lackadaisical “fucks” I've
ever heard, which is perfectly delivered in his over the top British
accent. Kane isn't too worried though, as he JUST HAPPENS to have an
operative named Pico on the island that Donna landed on. Geez, in
the early 1990s at least 80% of the world's population must have been
on Kane's payroll. He also orders Cole to the island as backup,
because there's NO WAY Cole will fuck up his assignment again, right?
After sneaking away from Kane for a moment, Silk calls Ava with this
latest scoop.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">On the island an unconscious Donna is
found by Pico and his men, and I'm ELATED to report Pico is played by
Sidaris favourite Rodrigo Obregon. This time he's sporting a
bitching eye patch because Sidaris went ALL IN for this movie. Lucas
lands in Hawaii just in time for the series trope of all the agents
uniting to plan things out but then end up pairing off to have sex
all night. In the morning Nicole and Bruce depart for the island,
Shane staying behind so he can get more coffee from a topless Becky I
guess. It's not like Shane is any good in a shootout thanks to the
curse of the Abilene Aim, which afflicts all males in the lineage so
they couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a snow shovel.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cole makes it to Pico's camp, where we
learn Donna has sustained amnesia in her parachute jump. Ohhhhhh,
boy. Back in Hawaii, Kane furthers bulking up his team with the
addition of the two more assassins who should look mightily familiar:
Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino. And get this, their character
names are Wiley and Coyote. BWA HA HA HAH! This movie is fucking
amazing. Wiley and Coyote, who are in EPIC scenery chewing form, are
tasked with killing Lucas and Edy, who also remained behind on the
island. They board their hoverboat and pull out some guns, all of
which are stamped with the ACME logo. This is probably the best
movie ever made, I'm sure saying. The hit does not go as planned
thanks to their incompetence, and their shiny new craft ends up
getting destroyed by Edy's exploding high heels.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Nicole and Bruce land their plane on
Pico's island and go stealth mode to enter his camp. Naturally Bruce
screws up and alerts the entire camp to their presence, a gunfight
breaking out. Cole grabs Donna and the statue and books it, Nicole
chasing after them but is too slow and they escape on a jet ski. She
returns to the camp just in time to save Bruce from getting stabbed
by Pico, taking him out with a volley of bullets to the back. The
two agents are kind out of options at this point, so they do what
they do best: fucking! I actually was thinking Nicole was going to
go the entire movie without getting naked, as it seemed way too late
into the run time for Sidaris to work that in somehow. Silly me,
underestimating the master!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We see Cole and Donna have docked at
another island, Cole trying to convince Donna he's a good guy and
they used to be lovers. This works and they begin having sex, which
brings the fun to a SCREECHING HALT. Really? We're doing this? Did
a movie that just had two goofball assassins using ACME brand weapons
need a rape scene? God, Cole is now the most despicable character to
befoul this blog since the Rock 'n Roll Rapist from </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-ghoul-versus-showgirls-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Showgirls.</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Fast forwarding through this disgusting
scene takes us to Kane, who is now sailing to the island to end this
nonsense once and for all. He's joined by basically every other
character from the movie, as we're deep into endgame territory.
Donna gets her memory back just in time for the festivities, grabbing
a machete and stabbing Cole through the fucking chest with it. To
add insult to injury, she tells him she faked her orgasm. Blegh, can
this please be done now? She joins up with Nicole and Bruce only for
Raven to get the advantage on them and reclaim the statue. When
Donna finally learns what was inside of it, she looks about as
concerned as if her assistant had bought her store brand hydrogen
peroxide instead of the lavish, name brand version. Basically what
I'm saying is Dona Speir is TOTALLY out of fucks to give in these
movies anymore.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Raven gets in his chopper and tries to
kill them from above, but Donna isn't having any of that shit and
blows his ass up with a grenade launcher. I wonder how many
helicopters have been destroyed in this series? I'm going to guess A
LOT. Kane, witnessing the loss of his precious relay, storms the
beach to get revenge despite the fact they appear to have no weapons
and Donna is angrily pointing her weapon right at him. Fortunately
for him she's out of ammo, so he's able to turn tail at the last
second to fight another day. Hey, a recurring villain... that's kind
of a novel idea that they should have thought of MUCH earlier.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.<br />
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This was heart breaking. Up until the
rape this was seriously up there with </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_22.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hard Ticket To Hawaii</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> or </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_5.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Guns</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, but after that happened all the fun
was sucked out with an industrial vacuum. You had so many great
elements here: a classic Bond style villain, some genuine bad ass
action, and laugh out loud moments, how do you screw that all up THIS
hard? The Sidarisverse has always had issues with an uneven tone in
their stories, however this just went too far.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I really would like to recommend this
because the vast majority of it harkens back to the early days of
enjoyable Sidaris films, but not when the movie leaves you with a
VERY bitter aftertaste. On the positive side, one ONE MORE FILM to
do with the current crop of bland agents and then we're onto some new
blood for a desperately needed injection of freshness into the
franchise. And I mean that in regards to the creative team as well
as the actors, Andy's son Christian Drew is taking over the writing
and directing duties for the next couple of films.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But first, Fit To Kill...<br />
<br />
</span></div>
</div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-56709460962697765402015-02-15T05:22:00.000-07:002015-02-15T05:22:35.160-07:00A Ghoul Versus Dracula Untold<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>Are you ready for ANOTHER reboot?
Of course you are! Join us as we journey back to the beginning of
the ORIGINAL Batman, Vlad the Impaler!”</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I think it's safe to say I'm taking a
break from the Andy Sidaris collection for a bit. Just a quick break
though, if I can survive </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-transformers-2007-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Bayformers, </span></a><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-twilight-saga-twilight.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Twilight, </span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">and all NINE </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/10/a-ghoul-versus-hellraiser.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hellraiser</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> films, a bunch of Playboy Playmates armed with
guns and implants sure aren't going to stop me! Today I thought we'd
take a look at 2014's <em>Dracula Untold</em>, which was the directorial debut
of Gary Shore. Shore made a name for himself directing commercials
for companies such as Gatorade and Adidas, which I guess is all the
qualifications you need to make a feature film in this day and age.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Dracula</i> <i>Untold</i> had a case
of Development Hell to make it to the silver screen, as it was
originally set to be a big budget film by Alex “<i>Dark</i> <i>City</i>”
Proyas and starring Sam Worthington. That didn't work out because
the budget was getting sky high, so it was handed off to Shore and
the writing team of Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. Sazama and
Sharpless are currently hard at word writing the script to <em>MISSILE
COMMAND</em>, which is based off the Atari video game where three lumps of
pixels blasted pixels at incoming pixels. Should be riveting.
They're also credited with the screenplay for the upcoming <i>Clue</i>
remake, because THAT totally needed a remake. I'm telling you,
reboots of <i>the Princess Bride</i> and <i>the Godfather</i> are
right around the corner...</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">After production was finished,
distributor Universal Pictures saw what Marvel was doing with their
Cinematic Universe and said “Me too! Me too!” so ordered
reshoots to make the film a springboard to their own version. This
was to be a reboot/reimagining/remake of their Universal Monsters
movies, featuring characters such as Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolfman,
Frankenstein, etc etc etc. Oh goody, so that means ALL movie studios
will be “borrowing” this format soon doesn't it? Four delayed
releases later and the film was FINALLY released on October 10, 2014
where it was ravaged by the critics and only earned 56 million
dollars versus its budget of 70 million. It did MUCH better overseas
because these kind of movies always do, bringing its total to 215
million and all but guaranteeing the Universal Cinematic Universe
will become a thing.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Let's see how the introductory chapter
unfolds, so grab your garlic and your wooden stakes- or wait, forget
that. I'm going to bet this vampire movie continues the Hollywood
fad of eliminating all vampire tropes. Let's just pray Dracula
doesn't sparkle as it's time for <i>A Ghoul Versus Dracula Untold</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Narration (SIGH) informs us it's the
year 1442 and the sultan of Turkey has enslaved one thousand
Transylvanian boys to serve in his army. One of the boys grew up to
be super badass, and entire armies would flee at the sight of him.
He was, of course, Vlad the Impaler. As he grew up, he became weary
of the bloodshed and regretted his violent acts so he... left the
army to return to rule Transylvania? Well, I guess that sultan isn't
such a bad guy after all! Enslaving and torturing boys sure, but
he'll let you go if you feel bad enough.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Vlad is played by Luke Evans, a Welsh
actor who is fast becoming a very hot property in Hollywood. After
large parts in the CGIfests that were <i>the Clash of the Titans</i>
remake and <i>Immortals</i>, he landed choice parts in CGIfests like
<i>Fast and Furious 6</i> and Peter Jackson's <i>the Hobbit</i>
trilogy. Progress! We join Vlad as he and his squad are near a
river, examining the helmet of a Turkish scout that was found nearby.
Worried of a potential invasion, Vlad plans to hike up to Broken
Tooth Mountain, where he suspects the Turks will be hiding. Somehow,
during all of this, Vlad fails to notice the three massive claw marks
on the back of the helmet.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The men scale the mountain and enter a
cave after enduring a bat jump scare, Vlad pointing out something
inside scared the bats. They find the floor is covered in crushed
bones and that's when something attacks and takes out everyone but
Vlad. He runs to the entrance of the cave, saved by the lighting
shining through which wards off the creature. Hey, sunlight hurts
vampires! I can't believe anyone remember that! Vlad returns to his
home, Castle Dracula, and meets with a monk named Brother Lucian to
find more about the mysterious being.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In this world a vampire is created when
someone summons a demon from Hell and makes a trade for power, but
usually gets screwed in the process. In this case, the vampire in
the cave is confined there until it can find someone to set it free.
Mulling this over, Vlad goes to visit his wife Mirena and his young
son Ingeras, giving him a reminder of what's important in his world.
Mirena is played by Sarah Gadon, an actress we'll be seeing a lot of
in the upcoming year as I plan to review her numerous collaborations
with both David Cronenberg and his son Richard. However, she's
probably best known to mainstream audiences as K.A.R.I., the
holographic AI that Oscorp Industries employed to direct traffic in </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-ghoul-versus-amazing-spider-man-2.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the Not-At-All Amazing Spider-Man 2.</span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We see Vlad loves his family very much
and would do anything for them, but I'm POSITIVE selling his soul to
a vampire to protect them won't ever come into play. The next day is
Easter, where the citizens of Transylvania are celebrating ten years
of peace... which is cut short by the arrival of the Turks, led by
the sultan's right hand man Hamza Bey. Talk about timing, I bet
these assholes were probably waiting outside the door for the PERFECT
moment to enter. It seems the sultan wants a thousand boys again,
which does not go over well. Bey warns if Vlad does not go along
with this, things will go VERY poorly for his kingdom. Vlad decides
to go meet with the sultan to try to change his mind.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The sultan, Mehmed, is played by
Dominic Cooper, another up and coming actor thanks to roles in <i>Mamma
Mia!, An Education,</i> and <i>Captain America</i>. His next big
role is going to be in 2016 with </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-ghoul-versus-source-code.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Duncan "Source Code" Jones'</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> <i>World of Warcraft</i> film, which is
really going to happen now. Mehmed laughs off Vlad's negotiations,
upping the asshole ante by saying he now also wants Ingeras to serve
under him. Later, Vlad brings his family out to a field to turn his
son over to the Turks, but turns the tables and begins to FUCK THEM
UP. Bey gets his arms cut off before getting his throat slit, and I
am now officially about this movie. One of Vlad's allies angrily
yells he's just declared war on the Turks and they don't have the
numbers to defend themselves. Vlad ignores him, gazing at Broken
Tooth Mountain thoughtfully...</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The next scene is of him entering the
cave again, confronting the vampire within. The vampire appears
slightly more human this encounter, so we can see he's portrayed by
Charles Dance. Dance is a thirty plus year veteran of cinema,
amassing over one hundred roles in that time. Personally, I know him
best as the doctor from the controversial <i>Alien 3</i>, a film I
hope to get to sooner than later because it's always fascinated me.
Dance, credited as Master Vampire, talks with Vlad over his situation
in a scene that is the PERFECT amount of scene gnawing. This movie
is extremely cliché so far, but it's being done EXACTLY like it
should be, not too serious and not too dark.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Master Vampire bites open his wrist and
spills his blood into part of an empty skull, telling Vlad if he
drinks from it he'll gain all kinds of wondrous powers but at a cost:
he'll thirst for human blood. If he can resist this temptation for
three days he'll return to normal, but if he succumbs to the thirst
he'll forever be a creature of the dark that will destroy everything
he holds dear, including his wife and son. But wait, there's more!
Master Vampire will be freed from the cave to seek revenge on the one
who imprisoned him there, and he'll have the ability to use Vlad as a
pawn in the sequel- I mean, quest to find said jailer.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Vlad thinks he has a handle on this, so
is all “Bottoms up!” and chugs the blood. He promptly drops dead
but reawakens in the river to find his silver wedding ring is burning
his hand, as Master Vampire mentioned silver “offends” him. He
stumbles around, finding he is now basically Superman with the super
strength and enhanced senses. He starts to run like the Flash, but
quickly discovers he can transform into a colony of bats. This movie
fucking rules. He starts to fly back to his castle, which is
currently under assault from the Turks. He briefly goes inside to
make sure his family is okay, makes a motivational speech to his
people, then steps outside to show the Turks what the fuck is up.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">One GLORIOUSLY violent (well, as
gloriously violent as PG-13 will allow) fight sequence later,
including a brilliant shot where we see the action transpire in the
reflection of a sword embedded in a man's chest, and Vlad is standing
alone in a field of hundreds of slaughtered soldiers. This scene was
so awesome I'm not even going to question why all the soldiers ganged
up to fight Vlad instead of sneaking by him to ransack the castle
while he was busy going full bat. I mean, at least fifty of them or
so could have casually strolled by the vampire, they did have an
objective after all.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Vlad's men walk out, baffled at what
they're seeing. He declares they are no longer safe at the castle
and must move to the Cozia Monastery, up high in the mountains of the
land. I guess, or you could just fly to Mehmed and end this in the
course of one night? Dead sultan equals no more problems for
Transylvania, right? Vlad reasons this will personally draw out
Mehmed so he can easily kill him, but YOU CAN TURN INTO BATS! It's
not like this makes getting to Mehmed an issue! Course, this would
make for a mighty short movie so it's onto the monastery. They make
camp in the night, Vlad already starting to fell the effects of his
thirst while trying to have sex with his wife.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He runs out into the woods before he
loses control and bites her, encountering a gypsy named Shkelgim who
admits he knows what Vlad has become. He cuts open his hand and
offers Vlad a cup of his own blood, asking to serve him. Shkelgim is
played by Zach McGowan, who is currently tearing it up as Captain
Vane on Starz's EXCELLENT pirate drama <i>Black</i> <i>Sails</i>.
McGowan almost looks like he's in his Vane costume here, so it's
highly likely one day he got lost on his way to film a <i>Black Sails</i>
scene and wandered onto the <i>Dracula</i> set. Vlad advises the
gypsy to stay far away from him and returns to Mirena. He fesses up
everything to her, promising her he'll resist the urge for the next
two days and become human again.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The Turks catch up to the
Transylvanians the next night and attack, but Vlad is able to hold
them off until everyone can make it safely behind the monastery's
walls. Things don't get much better as Lucian notices how Vlad is
avoiding the sunlight like the plague and outs him as a vampire. The
soldiers try to burn him alive, but this only succeeds in pissing him
off. He threatens to attack them until Mirena talks sense into him
by breaking out that old chestnut “this isn't who you are”. The
Transylvanians kind of just shrug their shoulders and decide to roll
with their new vampire overlord, fuck it, what else do they have to
lose?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Time throws a spanner into the works by
having dawn rise just as Mehmed's army arrives outside the monastery,
rendering Vlad powerless. Or so he thinks, until he gets the idea to
apparently summon every bat in the world to pummel the marching army.
It gets a tad...BAT-shit crazy as we get a scene where Vlad shapes
the bats into a gigantic fist to do a ground pound, which sends
everyone flying. I mean, the biggest bat in the world is barely
three pounds! I SUPPOSE a million of them working in tandem could-
you know what, let's just keep enjoying the movie.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Vlad flies down to the ground to thin
out the soldiers, which proves to be a costly mistake as Mirena and
Ingeras are left unprotected with two Turks advancing on them. The
Turks throw Mirena off a tower and take Ingeras to their sultan, Vlad
trying in vain to save his wife from falling to her death. With
Ingeras on the back of his horse, Mehmed calls for his army to
retreat. Oh, but Mirena is still alive?! Oh come on, she fell like
two hundred feet at least! Gwen Stacy fell like half that and didn't
even have the strength to pull of a “dying in her beloved's arms”
scene.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So... sigh... Mirena tells Vlad to
drink her blood so he'll have the time to stop the Turks, as the
three day limit is now up with the rising of the sun. Vlad refuses,
but she begs him and we have Dracula. Repeat, we have Dracula! This
is cut with shots of Master Vampire walking free from his cave and
into a career of appearing in Universal Monster movies of rapidly
varying quality. Vlad, after giving the Mandated by Law big
“NOOOOO!”, sets down his wife's body and enters the monastery.
He a small group of dying survivors, opening his wrists to them to
create his own vampire squad. It's about to get real Mehmed!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Way too real, as the newborn vampires
RAVAGE The Turkish camp and begin drinking blood like it's going out
of style. Vlad storms into Mehmed's tent to find Ingeras, finding
the Big Bad covered in silver armour and the floor coated with silver
coins. Of course Vlad just doesn't turn into bats and decapitate his
unhelmeted head, that would deny us of the final duel. Mehmed is
somehow able to hang despite Vlad having the strength to crush
boulders with his bare hands, maybe it's because the coins are
emitting... silver gas? I have no idea, Vlad is wearing a suit of
armour himself so just STEPPING on the coins shouldn't be affecting
him in the slightest.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The battle rages on, with Mehmed about
to drive a wooden stake through Vlad's heart when he decides this
would be the PERFECT chance for a Bond villain soliloquy. Vlad
suddenly remembers he can bat, so does this to reverse their
positions and stab Mehmed instead, declaring his name is now Dracula.
We aren't out of the woods just yet though, because Dracula's
Impromptu Legion of the Night has killed EVERYONE and now wants
Ingeras' blood. They surround the two, Brother Lucian suddenly
popping out of nowhere with a gold cross that keeps them at bay. He
asks Ingeras to come with him, Dracula reluctantly forced to let him
go as it's the only way to save him. After they're gone, Dracula
uses his powers to part the clouds over the camp and destroy all the
vampires with the power of the sun. And himself too in the Mandated
by Law heroic sacrifice.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This brings us full circle to our
narrator, who was Ingeras reflecting back on these events. We see
him crowned the new prince of Transylvania as he talks about how his
father was a hero to his people. He speaks of how if the heart is
strong enough, the soul will be reborn in life after life, age after
age. While this goes on, back at the Turkish camp Shkelgim finds
Dracula's remains and drips blood into his mouth, Dracula's eyes
opening. Things shift to the modern day, where a suit wearing
Dracula walks down the street and sees a woman that looks exactly
like Mirena picking out flowers from a shop, possibly because she's
played by the same actress. They chat, the woman introducing herself
as Mina after Dracula wows her by reciting part of her favourite
poem.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The camera pulls back to see Master
Vampire, now looking very human, watching this touching scene unfold.
He quips “let the games begin” as he begins to follow them,
echoing words he said to Vlad at the very beginning of the story.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Did you catch the ending there? Not
the obvious Mirena's soul being reborn into Mina bit, but the
significance of Mina's name? In Bram Stoker's novel Dracula, Mina
Harker was the hero of the story and her actions ultimately led to
the defeat of Dracula, despite slowing turning into a vampire due to
his curse. I'm guessing in the inevitable sequel they'll have some
variation of this where Master Vampire bites her to force Dracula to
help him, or something to that effect.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What did I think of the introduction to
the next Cinematic Universe? If you couldn't tell, I rather liked
it! Yes, there's barely an original scene in the entire thing but it
was so refreshingly retro, it works in the film's favour. A real
fucking vampire that kills people and has the good ol' fashioned
weaknesses, when's the last time we saw something like this? I'm
sure a lot of people were put off by Dracula being turned into an
anti-hero because NO ONE can just be a regular villain anymore, but
it really worked in the context of the story unlike a film such as </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/12/a-ghoul-versus-maleficent-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Maleficient.</span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">One glaring flaw the film made was
Master Vampire warning Vlad he's ruin everything he held dear if he
tasted human blood and then not following up on that when it went
down. I wonder if the ending wasn't different before the film was
sent back to reshoots to pave the way for a shared universe, because
natural story progression should have led to that. This is
forgivable, because everything else here was so straightforward with
everything being crystal clear. Critics didn't agree with me and
gave this a dreadful 23% on Rotten Tomatoes, lambasting it for all of
the cliché elements and failure to distinguish itself in a grand
fashion. All valid points, but I'd still take this any day of the
week over the latest <i>Spider-Man</i> or any of the other countless
Godawful remakes/reboots I've reviewed on here. Fun goes a long way
folks, it can excuse A LOT.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Definite recommendation here, this
movie does nothing to reinvent the wheel but cruises along about as
smooth can be with a very good performance by Luke Evans. This is a
very enjoyable action movie filled with simple character motivations
and a concise script, making it quite the rarity in this day and age.
Expect to see these characters in 2016 with the next Universal
Monster movie, <i>the Mummy</i>. It's being written by Jon Spaihts,
who was the co-writer for... </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-ghoul-versus-prometheus-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Prometheus</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">. Oh, yay. Well, I'm sure they at least
got a good director to make sure their budding franchise doesn't go
belly up only two movies in, right? </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Alex%20Kurtzman" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">ALEX KURTZMAN</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">?! DUN DUN
DUUUUUUN!</span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-23612922985378047792015-02-14T09:50:00.003-07:002015-03-28T16:42:15.229-06:00A Ghoul Versus The Asylum's Bound (A 50 Shades Of Grey Mockbuster)<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>Happy Valentine's Day! What
better way to celebrate a holiday based around love and romance than a twisted take on bondage, discipline, domination,
and submission?!”</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">At this point, you should be aware of
who The Asylum is. They are a film studio that specialize in
“mockbusters”, low budget imitations of big budget Hollywood
films that usually end up being better than the films they're inspired by. They've given us films such as <i>the Da Vinci Treasure,
Pirates of Treasure Island, Transmorphers, AVH: Alien Vs. Hunter,
Paranormal Entity</i> and my personal favourite <i>11/11/11</i>.
That was the equivalent of </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/search/label/Darren%20Lynn%20Bousman" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Darren Lynn Bousman's</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> horror film <i>11-11-11</i>, their clever change of
the title's punctuation has always amused me. Of late, they've
gained mainstream recognition thanks to a little franchise called
<i>Sharknado</i>, which is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FUN. Those movies are
perfect in what they set out to do, and the upcoming third movie is
easily my most anticipated movie of 2015. Yes, even over the new
<i>Star Wars</i> film.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In the meantime though, they have bills
to pay, hence today's film <i>Bound</i>. This is a mockbuster
version of <i>50 Shades Of Grey</i>, the fictional abortion that has
been enjoying an unfathomable amount of popularity since 2012. The
story behind its creation is so sad and depressing I could dedicate
an entire article to it, but author E.L. James originally conceived
the story as </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-twilight-saga-twilight.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Twilight</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> fan fiction between Bella and Edward,
originally called <i>Master Of The Universe</i>. For added lulz,
James posted it under the nickname Snowqueen's Icedragon, which I
believe was the original working name for Evangeline Lilly's
character in the <i>Hobbit</i> sequels.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">James eventually rewrote her
story to be about two “original” characters, and the rest is
history. Horrible, horrible history that we'll get to when the movie
eventually comes out on blu-ray later this year. Getting back on
topic, we've got the Asylum's take on a genre that is outside their
usual comfort zone of CGIfests and, uh, CGIfests. So break out your
nipple clamps and your whips because it's time for <i>A Ghoul Versus
The Asylum's Bound</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open with Charisma Carpenter having
sex with some schlub, looking about as bored as humanly possible.
You BETTER know Carpenter from her role as Cordelia Chase from Joss
Whedon's Buffyverse consisting of the shows <i>Buffy The Vampire
Slayer</i> and <i>Angel</i>. Not only is she absolutely gorgeous,
she's also a fantastic actress that really came into her own with a
co-starring role on <i>Angel</i>. The guy finishes and rolls off
her, Charisma diplomatically getting him to leave before taking out a
vibrator and taking care of herself. Or trying to, as she feels
almost nothing. She's bored with sex, you see.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We learn she works with her father at a
massive real estate company of some sort, having a seat on the
executive board. Her father is played by Daniel Baldwin, who only
scores a tepid 1.8 on the Baldwin Brothers Recognition Chart. He has
over 100 roles credited to his name, and the only one I've seen him
in was John Carpenter's interesting 1998 film <i>Vampires</i>.
Things aren't going too well for Charisma here either, as she finds
herself unable to speak her mind during important meetings with the
other executives. She has no self-confidence, you see.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Charisma goes home to her trillion
dollar mansion, drinking some wine while dramatic horror music begins
to play. Huh? Am I still watching </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-friday-13th-1980.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Friday The 13th</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">? Her teenage daughter Dara comes home
from volleyball and SLAMS... her bag down on the counter. The horror
music stops. Okay? I guess it was Dara's theme song, because she's
a raging bitch that has zero respect for her mother. They go to
dinner at a lavish restaurant, a handsome young man at the bar
catching Charisma's eye. He then gets into a brief argument with a
woman in a distractingly tight dress and walks across the room,
cranking up the slow motion so Charisma can ogle him further. I
guess this flusters Charisma so she leaves without getting her credit
card, driving back to the restaurant to get it and hopefully the
Incredible Hunk's digits. I also want to point out the scene where
she gets back into her car is filmed at such an EXTREMELY tilted
angle I got vertigo watching it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sure enough the Hunk is still there,
asking Charisma to join him for a drink. He introduces himself as
Ryan and Charisma says her name is Michelle, which is the first time
her character name has been mentioned so far. The film's only been
going for eight minutes though, so I won't hold it against them too
much. Ryan hits on her with this AWESOME line:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Have a cigarette with me.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Um, I don't smoke.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Yeah, you do.”</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">AND THAT WORKS! Michelle joins him at
a table while he rolls a cigarette, which she confesses she wouldn't
know what to do with. He tells her to “suck and blow”, which
causes her to give him an exasperated look. Why did she do that? I
rewound that scene several times and couldn't find a double meaning
of ANY kind. They start making out, Michelle stopping him before it
goes too far. She goes to leave but he stops her and gives her his
phone number, so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. The next morning at work she
gives a killer presentation, almost as if her brief tryst with Ryan
has awakened something... more powerful in her?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Later that night Michelle is about to
call Ryan when the schlub drops by with Chinese food, and WOW is he a
loser. He talks about taking their relationship to the next level,
but she kicks him to the curb because, come on, Ryan is on deck! As
a side note, schlub's actor is played by Mark McClain Wilson, who has
an acting credit in the long lost horror film <i>the Poughkeepsie
Tapes</i>. You may remember the title as it had a rather aggressive
marketing campaign in 2007, and then mysteriously vanished, never to
be released. It became notorious thanks to its VERY chilling
trailers, but no reason was ever given why it never came out. It had
a brief run on Video On Demand in 2014 but then was pulled almost
immediately, its director quoted in an interview saying it was yanked
because a “multi-platform” release was being planned. Well, that
was July and still no word on its future, so who knows?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And now back to the review. At work,
Michelle attempts to call Ryan again but gets interrupted by a
business call. Ryan's number is 818-260-9811 in case you want to
give him a call and smoke hand rolled cigarettes with him. The call
is from a potential business partner who wants to meet her for lunch
to discuss profit margins, which she readily agrees to. Ryan then
calls her and asks HER out to lunch, which she also agrees to after
checking the clock. This scene just goes to prove women can be every
bit as dumb as men when they think with their genitals instead of
their brains.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ryan's lunch date is a bit unorthodox
as it's a poolside shoot featuring bikini models with TERRELL OWENS
in attendance. Yes, THE Terrell Owens, a six time NFL wide receiver
who has the second most receiving yards in history, the third most
receiving touchdowns in history, and probably the most controversies
caused in a single career. And now he's in a <i>50 Shades Of Grey</i>
knockoff. Ryan offers Michelle a glass of wine, but she tells him
she doesn't drink in the afternoon.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Yeah, you do.”</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Boy, Ryan sure is domineering and
commanding! I wonder if this is meant to foreshadow his BDSM
proclivities or something. Michelle relents under this insanely
powerful line and starts drinking. She ends up calling her assistant
to push back the multimillion dollar meeting that's she's been
working ALL MOVIE to land because it's make or break for her company,
going for a drive with Ryan to... her office? THAT'S the place you
chose? They start kissing again, but Ryan stops and decides it'd be
much better to do this in her father's office. Michelle obliges him
because she is now officially the Greatest Decision Maker in the
world. Ryan starts talking about how she's a daddy's girl in a
manner that's supposed to be erotic, but just comes off really
creepy.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Things continue to steamroll downhill
as Ryan begins to go down on her as she sits on her father's desk,
then he pulls a pair of panties out of her pocket and demands she put
them on because she's a “dirty little slut”. AND MICHELLE OBEYS!
Holy shit, this is kind of fucked up. He then informs her he'll
continue to train her the next day, but she tells him she has a
fundraiser to attend. He invites himself along, saying he is now her
father, her master, her husband, and her God. Instead of recoiling
in sheer terror and calling security on this psychopath, she
accompanies him to an underground extreme fetish club. Ryan tries to
have sex with her in a hallway with a freak spiked mask watching, but
Michelle stops him by yelling out the word “red”. Is that their
safe word, then? Did I miss the scene where this was established, or
is this just a thing that everyone else but me knows about?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They end up going to Ryan's chamber of
horrors, which looks more like one of Jigsaw's survival tests than a
sex dungeon. Of course Michelle goes along with it, stripping naked
and put through the S and M ringer until Ryan starts having sex with
her. For some reason this scene is shot with distortion effects like
a David Lynch movie, because its MUCH hotter that way... right?
Guys? After they're done Michelle brings up how she knows NOTHING
about this maniac but he just sits there smoking. All I can think
about is how strange it is to see smoking in a modern day movie, it's
so rare these days it really stands out. She concludes that she
likes him, because what woman could possibly resist his gentlemanly
charms?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Schlub comes by Michelle's house again,
and not because he can't take a hint but when the hell is an also-ran
like him going to land a lady like Charisma Carpenter? Michelle
tells him she's seeing someone else now and he almost starts crying,
but I don't even have the time to make fun of him because the entire
shot is film with DUTCH ANGLES. WHY?! Dutch angles are meant to
convey tension by putting the shot in an uneven perspective, which is
reflective of a character's state of mind or environment. This is
just Michelle dumping some clingy nerd. She's fully aware of what
she's doing and there is no dramatic breakthrough here whatsoever.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Psychoboy indeed goes to the fundraiser
with Michelle, giving her a remote control vibrator that he tells her
to put inside her. She rolls with it as do I, because this is a
setup for some COMEDY PLATINUM. He activates it during her father's
impassioned speech to the donors, but sadly we don't get a hilarious
reaction. DAMMIT MOVIE, how do you fuck that up?! Ryan drags her
into the bathroom for a gropefest, making her put on lipstick and
calls herself a messy whore. I fully expect Michelle Milan to become
a feminist icon within the next few months, she's furthering women's
rights by DECADES. They return to the party, but Ryan won't let her
fix the messy lipstick now on her face so now she gets to face her
father and all these millionaires looking like she just crawled out
of a porno. It gets even better though! Jesse, the man she blew
off, is there and he's PISSED about her flaking out on him. Ryan throws gasoline on the fire by
acting like a complete asshole to him, so Michelle quickly tries to
get things back on track by discussing business.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This seems like a good time as any for
Ryan to turn on the vibrator again, and how weird is it he's a more
compelling horror villain than the purported love interest of a
sexual thriller? Jesse agrees to give her one more chance, because
every character in this movie is fucking moron. After they leave
Michelle actually grows a backbone and yells at Ryan for trying to
ruin her life, but he just like amused and tells her not to talk to
him like that. I'm surprised he didn't just hit here right there.
That night she goes home to watch tutorials about spanking, the
dominatrix in the video bringing up safe words for the first time in
this thing despite Michelle having used one earlier.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Her father calls her into his office at
work, where he reveals he knows who Ryan is: a drug dealer and a car
thief. Michelle shrugs this off, because at this point he could have
said Ryan was a necrophiliac serial killer and it wouldn't have
phased her. Her father gives her ONE MORE CHANCE to close the deal
she's working on before he sells the company... or whatever, none of
this is important at all. One night after a scene of completely
straightforward sex with Ryan, she asks if he's ever been a
submissive.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Maybe.”</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Fountain of information, this one! She
asks if he was a submissive with Alana, to which he replies SHE was a
psychopath. Waitaminute, who the fuck is Alana? Oh, the woman at
the bar that they've never, EVER discussed let alone named? Okay.
OH, Alana was ALSO the dominatrix in the spanking video! That's...
one hell of a coincidence. Ryan kicks her out, getting slightly
violent with her in the process. Oh, how I want to see this guy eat
a curb stomp.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Michelle goes shopping for some bondage
gear and hits up the club from earlier, where she gets into a
conversation with a leather clad mistress who warns her about Ryan.
It seems her has a history of fucking up the lives of his
submissives, and NO WAY?! I do believe this qualifies as a plot
twist, because I sure as hell didn't see that coming! The woman says
Ryan gives their kind a bad name, as he does not represent their BDSM
culture in the slightest. This might as well be the film's
screenwriter talking to us directly for as blunt as the scene is.
She ends up taking Michelle over to the whipping room, where she gets
to beat a leather clad gimp with a riding crop. She likes it!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She comes home to find Ryan about to
have sex with a tied up Dara, who was unaware that Ryan was seeing
her mother. Ryan just laughs at all of this, Michelle threatening to
call the cops on him unless he gets the fuck out. He starts to
strangle her but she bites his hand and he finally leaves. Well,
this is just a trainwreck of epic proportions. Work doesn't go so
hot for her either, as her father has decided to sell the company
instead of waiting for her to finish her deal. She gets sent home
for the day, deciding to drive to Ryan's and PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING
FACE! HELLS YEAH! They start beating the shit out of each, and this
movie has gotten completely awesome. Michelle grabs a camera mounted
on a tripod and smashes it again Ryan's face, knocking him out.
Stomp him stomp him STOMP HIM!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ryan awakes, chained up in his dungeon
with Michelle calmly sitting before him. She said she considered
calling the cops on him since Dara is under-aged, but has decided to
torture the loving shit out of him instead as a warning to stay away
from her family. She unties him and walks away, mentioning she DID
call the police about Dara. That demon conquered, a SUPER ASSERTIVE
Michelle goes to Jesse's office and FUCKING KILLS IT. BDSM powers,
activate! She closes the deal and makes all the money in the world,
but wait, THERE'S MORE! After the meeting Jesse asks her out to
dinner, but she wonders if he wouldn't like something a little
more... kinky? She pulls closer by the tie, and he responds with a
breathy “Yes mistress!”. PROFESSIONALISM!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.<br />
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">You know, this is pretty much exactly
how <i>50 Shades Of Grey</i> should have gone. Yes, I've read the
book. Yes, I'm not proud of that. Yes, I'm scarred for life by what
I read. Just like Ryan, Christian Grey was a sadistic psychopath who
tried to exert excessive control on the life of his submissive, Ana
Steele. Ana realizes at the end they're incompatible and leaves him,
but is very heartbroken and torn up over it. I MUCH preferred the
Asylum's take on the story, with the heroine getting a fucking clue
and kicking the crap out of the overly entitled predator because
seriously, FUCK Christian Grey.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Make no mistake, this was FAR from a
good movie but I'll admit I was vested the entire time and never got
bored, which is a fair amount of praise when you think about it. Things that were happening were just too fucked up and comical NOT to get some enjoyment out of. This is one of those movies where you spend the entire time rooting
for character to stop being a brain-dead idiot and start using some
common sense, so when that actually happens its a rewarding payoff,
in this case an EXTREMELY rewarding one. Charisma Carpenter
absolutely carried this movie, it was not a performance I'd put on
her highlight reel but she still put in more effort than anyone else
in the cast did. Daniel Baldwin was laugh out loud funny here, as he
made the bold decision to channel William Shatner and deliver every
line with MASSIVE pauses every few words.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I will single out the camera work as
being atrocious, it's like they wanted to go for every experimental
style possible because... I guess they were bored? I suppose when
that's my biggest complaint about the movie, you haven't done that
bad of a job. Other than rabid Charisma Carpenter fans like myself
I'm not sure who I'd recommend this to, I suppose anyone who wants to
see some smug rich asshole get his comeuppance in a satisfyingly
violent manner because the ending is rather beautiful.<br />
</span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-25469922010645568732015-02-13T20:23:00.001-07:002015-05-22T23:33:05.500-06:00A Ghoul Versus Friday The 13th (1980)<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>Join me as I join the ranks of a
zillion other reviewers today in watching Friday The 13<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>th</sup> on
Friday The 13<sup>th</sup>! ORIGINALITY!”</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">John Carpenter's <i>Halloween</i> is
undeniably one of the most influential films of all time, doubling as
one of the most ripped off as well. In reality, one can make the
claim <i>Halloween</i> ripped off a 1974 indie horror flick called
<i>Black Christmas</i>, but that's an article for another day. The
fact of the matter is <i>Halloween</i> is the movie EVERYONE saw, and
the one everyone attempted to emulate. Sean S. Cunningham, a
producer and director, was one such person that viewed Carpenter's
classic and thought “Hey, why not me too?”.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cunningham already had some minor
success with his own knockoff versions of the hit 1976 film <i>Bad
News Bears, Here Come The Tigers</i> and <i>Manny's Orphans, </i><span style="font-style: normal;">so
he was no stranger to emulating superior movies. Cunningham and his
writing partner Victor Miller set out to directly copy all of the
signature techniques that made Halloween so original: their film
would use a first person view to put audiences behind the eyes of
their killer, the killer would get a signature theme that would play
whenever he was about to kill, the cast would be a bunch of unknown
teenagers that would get killed off one by one with the exception of
the Final Girl, pretty much everything Carpenter thought of, they
imitated.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Their
ONE innovation in the script was to include bucket loads of blood
and gore, because </span><i>Halloween</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
is actually one of the most bloodless horror films ever made. In
this aspect, </span><i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><span style="font-style: normal;">
ALSO became one of the most ripped off films of all time because
after it was a hit EVERY slasher film turned into a bloodbath with
severed body parts flying everywhere. With all these elements in
place, all they needed was a title for their upcoming production.
Originally it was going to be called </span><i>Long Night At Camp
Blood</i><span style="font-style: normal;">, but Cunningham decided to
change it to </span><i>Friday The 13</i><sup><i>th</i></sup><span style="font-style: normal;">,
which oddly enough was the working title for </span><i>Manny's
Orphans</i><span style="font-style: normal;">.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">This
proved to be a genius idea, as the synergy with the infamous
“holiday” would go on to drive the film, and the eventual series,
to becoming one of the highest grossing horror franchises of all
time. Shot on a budget of half a million dollars, the film opened on
May 9, 1980 and would eventually earn nearly sixty million dollars
worldwide. In 1980 terms, this was a certifiable blockbuster and
guaranteed we'd be seeing the twisted world of Camp Crystal Lake for
many, many more years to come. Speaking of that camp, let's journey
there and see Jason's origins in </span><i>A Ghoul Versus Friday The
13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><span style="font-style: normal;">!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The
film opens exactly as </span><i>Halloween</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
did: a point-of-view shot of SOMEONE watching some horny teenagers,
lumbering up a flight of stairs, and then killing them. This
immediately sets the tone for the movie, because while Carpenter's
film relied on nuance and a slow burning pace, this is just flat out
stabby stab and blood. We also get to hear the killer's signature
theme play in the buildup to the murders, the “ki ki ki ma ma ma”
sound effect. The score for this film was handled by Harry
Manfredini, who would go on to provide music for eight of the twelve
chapters in the series. Manfredini was definitely one of the few
people involved in making the movie that wanted to give it some
depth, as he worked very hard to make his score effectively raise the
tension of the film. He made the decision to cut out music in
certain scenes completely instead of relying on cheap jump scare
chords, so maybe he's one of the people who saw </span><i>Halloween</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
and understood WHY it was so scary.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The
horny teens in question are camp counselors at Camp Crystal Lake,
circa 1958. Two of them sneak upstairs to have some good ol'
fashioned premarital sex, but the only penetration that occurs is a
butcher knife through their skin. This kicks us to the opening
credits, highlighted by the appearance of the Godfather of Gore
himself, Mr. Tom Savini. Savini is nothing short of a legend in the
horror genre, rocketing to fame in 1978 with his groundbreaking
makeup effects in George Romero's </span><i>Dawn of the Dead</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
and continuing to build his legacy with films such as </span><i>Maniac,
Creepshow</i><span style="font-style: normal;">, and the sequel to </span><i>the
Texas Chainsaw Massacre</i><span style="font-style: normal;">. He is
also responsible for the ending of this very film, but we'll get to
that later.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The credits bring us to the present day on Friday the
13</span><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><span style="font-style: normal;">th</span></sup><span style="font-style: normal;">,
as we see a female backpacker making her way through the small town
of Anywhere, USA. This is Annie, a camper trying to find directions
to nearby Crystal Lake where she's been hired as a cook. She enters
a diner to ask for help, her question drawing stunned looks from all
the patrons. A trucker named Enos agrees to drive her there, filling
her in on the history of the camp and why everyone was so surprised
she was going there. We learn the camp, nicknamed Camp Blood by the
locals, is considered to be cursed since a boy drowned there in 1957
in addition to the two stabbings we saw earlier. Annie isn't the
only new hiree heading to the camp as we see in the next scene where
we meet Ned, Marcie, and Jack.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">This is by far the biggest role for
the actors playing Ned and Marcie, but you MIGHT have heard of Jack's
actor: Kevin Bacon. He's kinda sorta famous, it's safe to say you've
seen a movie of his... or twenty. He's also yet another megastar to
have his career launched in part by a franchise-in-the making horror
film, joining the ranks of </span><i>Halloween's</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
Jamie Lee Curtis and </span><i>A Nightmare On Elm Street's</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
Johnny Depp. They all talk about sex, because none of them want to
make it to the closing credits.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They arrive and
meet their boss, Steve Christy, who has been said to spending a great
deal of money to reopen the camp. They're introduced to the other
counselors: Alice, Bill, and Brenda, and I think we finally have our
entire cast of Dead Actors Walking. Steve and his chest hair
creepily flirt with Alice, talking her into staying on for another
week as it's pretty obvious she wants nothing to do with the camp and
wants to go back to California. Steve then leaves to go into town to
buy some supplies, giving everyone instructions on what to do until
he gets back.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The movie returns
to Annie, who is trying to hitchhike her way to the camp since Enos
couldn't drive her all the way. She gets a jeep to stop for her, and
I can't help but notice the camera is going out of its way to NOT
show the driver. Hmm, what could THAT mean? My suspicions grow as
the jeep drives past the entrance to the camp AND dramatic horror
music kicks in when Annie notices this. Well, I didn't say EVERY
scene Manfredini scored was going to be subtle. Annie asks the
driver to stop, but instead the jeep begins to accelerate. Annie
displays some gumption and jumps out of the vehicle, running into the
woods with the driver chasing on foot. This is done through the
driver's eyes until the respective changes to third person in a bit
of jarring editing. Annie thinks she's home free until she takes a
knife to the throat in a FINE bit of Savini bloodletting.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hopefully you
enjoyed that scene, because it's the only interesting thing that
happens in the film for awhile. The next few scenes are the
counselors doing their best to reenact every Horny Teen Camp movie
ever in what's supposed to be character building so we care about
them when they eventually die, but EVERYONE is the same. I guess you
could say Alice is the innocent one, Ned is the prankster, Brenda's
the brain, and the rest are... uh, people? There is the highly
memorable scene where a cop named Dorf shows up looking for Ralph,
the town nut job, and swallows the entire set with his rapid fire one
liners. I REALLY wish Dorf was the star of this film.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ralph shows up in
the camp kitchen later, warning everyone they'll die if they stay
there because of the curse. Well, that was fun now back to nothing!
And do I ever mean nothing. Things start moving again later on as
Jack and Marcie have sex in a cabin, unaware Ned's dead body is in
the bunk above them. A few scenes earlier Ned saw someone at the
cabin and went to investigate, but the movie thought it'd be much
more interesting to listen to Marcie describe a dream she had about
rain for five minutes. After they finish, Marcie leaves to use the
nearby outhouse cabin and Jack gets a blade shoved through his throat
from behind, as the killer was under their bed the entire time.
Another beautiful Savini effect, as they are really the ONLY reason
to watch this movie.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">We
catch up with Marcie in the outhouse, and it's worth noting she's not
wearing pants... just like Annie Brackett in </span><i>Halloween</i><span style="font-style: normal;">.
She even looks similar to Annie and has the same kind of outgoing
personality. “Ki ki ki ma ma ma” fires up, like THAT'S any kind
of a surprise. Marcie goes to investigate a strange noise, and gets
AN AXE TO THE FUCKING FACE! GODDAMN! Brutal, brutal shot here and
easily one of my favourite kills in any movie ever. Whatever they
paid Savini for this film, it definitely wasn't enough. It looks
like Brenda is going to be next to the Killin' Party, as she heads to
her cabin alone to close her windows as a massive rainstorm is
beginning to break out. She settles into bed to read a book when she
hears a voice screaming for help, running outside with a flashlight.
The voice leads her out to the archery range, where floodlights turn
on and blind her. We hear her scream as we cut back to Alice, who
tells Bill she thinks she just heard Brenda scream in addition to
seeing the lights come on.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The two go out
together, surprisingly enough, but find nothing. They search
Brenda's cabin and find an ax lying in her bed, which panics them so
they go to Jack and Marcie's cabin. This cabin is also empty, as it
seems like the killer is moving the bodies. You know, just like
Michael Myers did? The two, now very worried, break into the locked
office cabin to call for help. The phones are dead though, because
Michael- I mean, whoever the killer is cut the phone lines. They try
to drive away, but the truck has also been sabotaged. Bill concludes
the best thing to do is return to their cabin and wait for Steve to
come back, since walking to town is out of the question in the storm.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Unfortunately
Steve's a little too busy getting stabbed by the killer on his way
back to the camp, so that plan's no good. Sure is a good thing the
killer thought to hang out at the front of the camp after taking out
Brenda, or else Steve would have messed everything up! Our killer
then warps back to the cabin containing the camp's generator,
shutting it off and eliminating all power. This cues up Bill to
“check on the generator”, because one thing this film definitely has in
spades is repetition. This scene is interesting because it's a
locked down shot of Bill working on the machine, with the dark
doorway behind him dominating the left side of the frame. This draws
your attention to the door, as you're just waiting for Michael-
DAMMIT, I mean whoever to emerge and kill Bill. Volume Two.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">What's
interesting about that, you ask? IT NEVER HAPPENS. This could be
viewed as a subversion of one of </span><i>Halloween's</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
most memorable shots where Michael Myers did what I was just talking
about, so it's Cunningham playing with our expectations. The PROBLEM
with this is the movie isn't exactly riveting, so even another
ripoff shot would have been preferable to absolutely nothing. What
do we get instead of seeing Bill meet his end in a stylistic shot?
We quick cut to Alice, who is now officially our Final Girl. And
definitely one of the poorer Final Girls out there, as we've spent
almost no time with her so we know nothing about her except she's a
really good artist. Laurie Strode wasn't exactly the most layered
character in all of cinema, but at least she was in the majority of
the scenes so we had a bond with her and gave a damn when shit went
down.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Alice
gets up to... make some tea, and we get to watch every single step in
mind numbing detail. There's no “ki ki ki ma ma ma” playing, so
I don't care in the slightest. She finally gets as bored as the rest
of us, so goes outside to find Bill. And does she ever find him!
He's pinned to the outside of the door to the generator cabin in a
shot that TOTALLY ISN'T LIKE Bob being pinned to the wall in
</span><i>Halloween</i><span style="font-style: normal;">. Alice
freaks and runs back to her cabin, trying to barricade herself in for
the next five hours, or at least that's how long it feels. I think
at this point Cunningham got tired of “borrowing” from John
Carpenter so switched gears to George Romero, as the vast majority of
the original </span><i>Night of the Living Dead</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
is people covering doors and windows. And yet that movie had WAY
more characterization than this one, which is saying something
because the Final Girl in that one was borderline comatose for most
of the run time.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This whole exercise
proves to be in vain as Brenda's body gets hurled through one of the
windows, which pretty much causes Alice to break down. This is where
I'm pretty much rooting for the killer at this point, because Alice's
whimpering is UNBEARABLE. She sounds like a cat in heat, only
infinitely more annoying. Spotting a jeep pull up outside, she tears
down her makeshift wall and runs out to get help. It's a kindly
older woman who introduces herself as Mrs. Voorhees, a friend of
Steve's. She's played by Betsy Palmer, who was very famous in the
1950s thanks to her appearance on the hit quiz show <i>I've Got A
Secret</i>. The only reason she agreed to do this movie was because
she needed money to buy a new car, famously quoted as calling the
script a “piece of shit”. She talks down the hysterical Alice,
entering the cabin to see Brenda's body. She starts ranting about
how Steve never should have opened the camp back up, going on to talk
about the young boy who drowned, who was named Jason. Her tone
beginning to get downright sinister, she says he'd still be alive if
the counselors hadn't ignored him to go have sex.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">She
starts to advance on Alice as she talks about Jason's death, Alice
starting to get the hint and slowly back away. Her fears are
confirmed as Mrs. Voorhees pulls out a knife, yelling at Alice for
letting Jason die. Alice grabs a fireplace poker and expertly
defends herself, but instead of going for the kill chooses to run out
of the cabin. She jumps into the jeep, but exits just as quickly
when she sees Annie's body riding shotgun. Starting to head for the
woods, her path is blocked by Steve's upside down hanging body which
suddenly dangles down from a tree branch. Do I even have to SAY
“just like </span><i>Halloween</i><span style="font-style: normal;">”
anymore? There's “ripping off” and then there's “lawyers
probably should have been called”. Mrs. Voorhees comes to and
stumbles outside to see Alice running away, talking to herself in a
DISTURBING voice meant to be Jason's and saying “Kill her mommy,
kill her!”. Incidentally, this line is where Manfredini got the
idea for “ki ki ki, ma ma ma”.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Blessed with the
magic Voorhees gift of teleportation, Mrs. Voorhees catches up to
Alice in no time at all. They take turns beating the shit out of
each other, which is awesome, but then Alice fucks it up by taking
off again. STAND YOUR GROUND WOMAN! Eventually Laurie hides in a
closet with louvered doors while Mich- awww, I did it again, didn't I?
Actually Cunningham did it again, I'm just calling the action.
Alice grabs a frying pan and brains Voorhees with it, knocking her to
the ground and causing blood to pool under her head. Alice
cautiously kicks her to make sure she's dead, then goes back outside.
Yeah, I'm SURE she's dead.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Wow, she totally
isn't. What a shock. She follows Alice to the lake for Round 3,
which is just as entertainingly visceral as the other ones. I really
like that Voorhees isn't some super strong brute but just an
everyday, normal person. It really adds a lot more tension to these
fight scenes, making them totally believable that we have two people
literally fighting for their lives. I sure wouldn't mind more movies
doing this. Alice decides she's has enough of running though, so
grabs the machete Voorhees tried to kill her with and turns it on
her, CUTTING HER FUCKING HEAD OFF! Team Alice, motherfucker!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Killing
a psychotic sweater wearing mother with a split personality can
really take a lot out of you, so Alice takes a canoe out into the
lake to clear her head. Sure, why not? She ends up falling asleep,
getting woken up the next morning by a pair of police officers
yelling at her. She lifts her and and smiles, relived to see them.
And then JASON VOORHEES LEAPS OUT OF THE LAKE and pulls her under,
but this turns out to be a dream as she wakes up screaming in a
hospital. Did you like that ending the first time you saw it at the
end of </span><i>Carrie</i><span style="font-style: normal;">? This
was all Tom Savini's idea, as he was a fan of that ending and felt
this movie needed a similar jump scare to close out on. The police
officer that gave Steve a ride is at her bedside, asking what
happened. When she asks if they found Jason he says no, Alice
concluding that he's still there as the movie gives us a final shot
of Crystal Lake.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup><span style="font-style: normal;">
is my absolute FAVOURITE horror franchise of all time, but that love
doesn't begin until this series devolved into kill porn and got
incredibly silly. Just like early </span><i>Star Trek The Next
Generation</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> episodes featuring a
beardless Riker are unwatchable, early </span><i>Friday The 13</i><sup><i>th</i></sup><span style="font-style: normal;">
movies featuring a mask-less Jason are unwatchable. Ironically,
these movies had to get a whole lot worse until they got better. </span>I think it's pretty
obvious that outside of Tom Savini's AWESOME special effects, I
can't stand this movie. It's a terrible <i>Halloween</i> knockoff
that completely missed the point of why <i>Halloween</i> was so
popular, as it traded all of the off the charts tension for off the
charts BOREDOM. Cunningham was too busy cribbing <i>Halloween's</i>
biggest scenes to worry about crafting an actual movie, so once those
scenes were done he just threw in ENDLESS scenes of the counselors
babbling on about nothing.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But it was enough
to catch the attention of movie goers, as it grossed nearly sixty
million dollars against a budget of around half a million. Critics
HATED it, and I mean that without a hint of hyperbole whatsoever.
The most famous example of this is Gene Siskel, who responded to this
film with such vitriolic anger one must wonder if Sean S. Cunningham
ran over his dog or something. In Siskel's review for the Chicago
Tribune, he started off with spoiling the ending to hopefully prevent
people from seeing the film. He then called Cunningham “one of the
most despicable creatures ever to infest the movie business”, and
then gave out the contact information of the chairman of the board
behind the movie's studio as well as Betsy Palmer's home city. He
encouraged people to write both to complain about how awful the movie
was, which is PURE FUCKING CLASS. Siskel's partner, Roger Ebert, was
also not a fan of the movie but sure never dragged the addresses of
actors into it. Could you imagine of his stature pulling that shit
today?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I really can't
recommend this for any reason beside to see Savini's craft on full
display, as this is barely a <i>Friday The 13</i><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><i>th</i></sup>
movie compared to what the franchise would become. I really did
enjoy the realistic fighting at the end, but it doesn't have much of
a place in a series like this. But I'm sure you've seen the movie a hundred
plus times, and probably just got done watching this before reading
this review. This is quite possibly the only time in a horror
franchise I can say IT ONLY GETS BETTER FROM HERE, because this
series does get quite awesome in a few films.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-75306709691247132702015-02-08T18:34:00.000-07:002015-02-08T18:34:18.332-07:00A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Do Or Die<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>Certain of our girls, like
Roberta Vasquez, Dona Speir, and in some cases Cynthia Brimhall, they
are as good as the gals who the soaps or do the stuff at night. But
because they were Playmates, people thought they weren't going to be
very good actresses. Check out some of the fucking broads on
late-night television, they've got one blonde broad on </i><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Pretender</span><i>, and one blonde broad on </i><span style="font-style: normal;">C.S.I.</span><i>,
they are fucking awful. They're not awful, you can't understand them.
I've always said at least our girls enunciated.” - Andy Sidaris</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_5.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on Guns...</span></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The latest chapter of the Trials and
Tribulations of Donna Hamilton brought us a very enjoyable caper
involving gun smugglers, transvestite assassins, a murder mystery
that led to Las Vegas, and Erik “Motherfucking” Estrada. All of
this fun came at a high cost however, as we lost our beloved Taryn
to... huh. They never actually said, did they? They didn't even
MENTION HER ONCE! BASTARDS!
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Andy Sidaris went all out for 1991's <i>Do
Or Die</i>, not only did he bring Erik Estrada back into the fold, he
added Pat Morita as well. Honestly, I'm only excited about Estrada
returning as it's REALLY hard to even hear the name Pat Morita and
not be reminded of the utter abomination that was </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-ghoul-versus-jay-lenos-collision.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Jay Leno's Collision Course</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">. That movie left SCARS, deep deep scars.
Let's hope I don't start getting PTSD-style flashbacks when I see
him as I undertake <i>A Ghoul Versus Do Or Die</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open with Donna and Nicole getting
down at a luau, but their fun is interrupted by a musclebound thug
that tells them they have a visitor outside. Not the least bit
suspicious by this, they find Pat Morita is the visitor in question.
He immediately announces he's going to kill them for messing with his
criminal operations and WOW we are just leaping headfirst into things
aren't we? Morita has his goons pull out guns and execute the two
agents, thus ensuring he can continue his illegal activities for
years to come with no opposition.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">YEAH. RIGHT. No, Morita announces
he's hired SIX teams of assassins tasked with hunting the women,
because he's sporting like that. And by sporting, I mean incredibly
stupid. Donna even calls him out on this, probably because she's
sick and tired of this franchise and wants out, but he replies he
wants to best them at the top of their game because he's all about
that fair play. There is NO WAY POSSIBLE this will backfire on him,
I promise!*</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">*Promise not valid on any day of the
week that ends in “Y”.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This does lead to an epic exchange
between Kane, Morita's character, and Nicole where she yells at him
that he's mad. Kane glowers at her and responds with “You are
dead!” with all the grace of a sixth grader. He has the agents
released, telling them the game will begin at noon tomorrow. Holy
shit, we have some high stakes going on in this thing already! I
wonder how Donna and Nicole will deal with the doomsday clock that is
now ticking over their heads? Call in the DEA to mount a
counteroffensive? Leave Hawaii to hole up in a safe house somewhere?
Get naked and hop into the good ol' jacuzzi for a soak? If you
DIDN'T guess the correct answer, I think you need to read some of my
previous reviews for the Andy Sidaris Collection.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Donna calls Lucas, who wants them to
come in to Vegas by dawn because they're in a DO OR DIE situation.
Hey, just like the title of the movie! Nowhere near as clever as the
bit they did for </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Savage Beach</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> but I'll take it. Kane returns to his
base of operations, where his busty assistant Silk informs him the
goons planted a tracking device on Donna's watch back at the luau.
Silk is played by Carolyn Liu, who was never a Playboy Centerfold but
did appear in videos for both them and Penthouse. Gee, I wonder if
that means we'll be seeing her topless in a few scenes? Anyway, a
tracking device doesn't seem that damn sporting Kane! What about
fair play?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The sun rises so Donna and Nicole hop
in their jeep to GTFO of Honolulu, but they are best upon by a
helicopter containing the first team of assassins. No worries
though, Nicole pulls out her cane (she sprained her ankle during the
encounter with Kane) and... fires a missile from it that destroys the
chopper?! Alright, sure! Nicole seems more upset that the game
started before noon than the actual attempt on their lives. They
head to the airport so they can catch their flight to Vegas, making
this the second straight film we get robbed of seeing Hawaii's serene
beauty for the entire picture. Say what you will about the earlier
Sidaris films, you sure as hell can't say they were gorgeous to look
at.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My question about if we'll get to see
Silk's nipples or not is answered as Kane gives her a naked massage.
He's wearing all of his clothes, fortunately. I don't think I could
take a nude Pat Morita at this point in his career. Their inane
conversation about her body and the power of massage is cut short by
an alert on her computer, which shows assassins Duke and Woody have
entered the “Death Zone”. BEST. NAME. EVER. Since Duke and
Woody didn't bother to get introductions, I paused the movie so I
could have the names of everyone else. Looks like Donna and Nicole
will have to defeat the teams of Ava and Skip, Bodreaux and Hebert,
Spencer and Dudley, Hotdog and Sledge, and Lew and Chen before they
get a chance to take out Kane.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Our agents arrive at
the airport, changing into some dark wigs and clothes that actually
do a pretty good job of concealing their identity. Lucas and Bruce
meet up with a Colonel Rico Estevez, the name of Estrada's character.
Sadly neither of the men comments how much he looks EXACTLY like
Juan Degas, because the resemblance is uncanny. Lucas requested
Rico's help on this latest bout of criminal shenanigans because... I
don't know, he's Erik “Motherfucking” Estrada? Lucas does put
the fear of God into me when he mentions Rico is less than a year
away from retirement, so let's hope that ugly trope doesn't rear its
head at the end of the movie.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In Vegas, Ava and Skip get word that
their targets have arrived. Ava, who is a top heavy brunette played
by actress turned sex therapist Ava Cadell, gets naked because of
course she does. They're parked in a trailer at an air show, which
is where Donna and Nicole show up to meet Norm, a fellow agent. How
in the world did the assassins know where the agents were going to
go? Just how advanced IS that tracker in Donna's watch?! Can it
read minds? Ava loads up a gun, telling Skip she's going to “blow
the tits off” the agents. I like her style already!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Norm gives the agents a trunk full of
weapons and they drive off, Ava and Skip following them in a
Volkswagen Beetle for a chase scene. A very confusingly edited chase
scene that is highlighted by Rico and Bruce appearing out of nowhere
in a dune buggy to turn the tide and send the assassins to the Death
Zone. Donna and Nicole drive on, their tits fully intact. I gotta
say I'm not super impressed with the quality of Kane's handpicked
hitpeople. They sure as shit aren't explosion proof IN THE
SLIGHTEST. When Kane gets the news of the latest failure, he
speculates maybe he fucked this whole thing up. YA THINK?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Rico and Bruce fly Donna and Nicole
somewhere in a scene that only exists so the women can strip in the
plane, which is damn near the trademark of the series. At least
they're not in the middle of a lethal hurricane this time. We learn
they're flying to Louisiana, where Lucas will assemble a support team
to help them. This takes us to a club called Cowboys, where Edy is
singing a song as is her fashion. She doesn't look as showstopping
as she did in the last film, this time she's in some kind of bizarre
cowboy themed white lingerie outfit she probably borrowed from a WWF
valet of the time. We get a SMASH CUT of her having sex with Lucas
in what might be the single most abrupt scene change in a Sidaris
film.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Elsewhere in New Orleans the next set
of assassins get the word the agents are in the area, and okay,
exactly HOW is this working? Kane can't have a pair of hitmen in
every single city in the world, because the computer only showed six.
This indicates he CLEARLY knows exactly where Donna and Nicole would
be traveling, which makes no sense at all! Hawaii to Vegas, sure as
that's been established already. But New Orleans? Maybe Kane used
to work for the DEA and has a working knowledge of the rule book
governing where to go in case a Japanese crime lord throws you into a
game of life or death. I think it's on page 134. These assassins are played by returning
actors Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino, playing the team of
Bodreaux and Hebert. IMDB has it spelled
Herbert, but Silk's computer said Hebert so that's what I'm going
with.
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And no, they're not cross-dressers this
go around. They JUST HAPPEN to be undercover as cooks at a place
called the Big Pines Lodge, which is where all of our agents JUST
HAPPEN to show up to get their grub on. Our new assassins plan to
poison their catfish, which is seems like it's about to work until
Nicole feeds some to a conveniently placed cat in the lodge. The cat
drops dead, which is BY FAR the only death in the Sidarisverse that
actually made me sad. The agents storm into the kitchen to find the
cooks, leading to a banjo-filled foot chase. Its joined in progress
by Lucas and Edy, as well as everyone's favourite actor Shane and his
new partner Atlanta Lee. Atlanta is played by the notorious Pandora
Peaks, an adult model/actress boasting 42HHH sized breast implants
that was very popular in the 80s and 90s. 42HHH?! I assume she must
have had a titanium spine implanted as well to maintain those things.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Many failed attempts at comedy later,
the assassins are caught and taken into custody, yet Silk's computer
still shows them entering the Death Zone. Maybe the agency car they
were put in got t-boned by a semi off camera? The agents sit down to
discuss how they can't trust ANYONE at this point, but get bored
pretty quick and start flirting with each other since these people
have the attention span of goldfish. Ultimately they decide to hole
up in a lake house, even though they JUST GOT DONE saying they can't
even trust each other but whatever. I honestly am barely paying
attention, this film is DULL with every capital letter possible.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The next batch of assassins shows up
but quickly get dispatched in some of the most tedious “action”
you'll ever see. Things go from the extreme of boredom to horror as
we do indeed get a Pat Morita sex scene, and now I want to go back to
the grave. THANKFULLY this is brought to a screeching halt by Silk's
computer announcing Spencer and Dudley are the new residents of Zone
De La Muerta, which once again prompts Kane to look fucking pissed.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?! You knew Donna was the best of the best, none
of these deaths should be news to you.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The next morning Lucas, Edy, Shane, and
Boobs (I forgot her name) head out to a meeting point to get a
shipment of advanced guns from the agency, and I THOUGHT YOU GUYS
WEREN'T TRUSTING ANYONE! GAH, this freaking movie. Edy borrows
Donna's watch as they leave, so hopefully Assassin Duo #5 can track
them and thin out this cast some. Do you hear that, Shane?! I can't
even say I'd miss Edy as she's done NOTHING this entire film. Wait,
scratch that. After having to endure a looooooooong Shane/Boobs sex
scene, Edy single handedly kills the next group with two dead on
shots. That's pretty cool, but unfortunately the shootout that led
up to it lulled me into a near coma so I just don't care.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That's just leaves Lew and Chen, Kane's
right hand men. Now packing some serious heat, Lucas decides to move
everyone to his house in Dallas because... I have no fucking idea,
Sidaris wanted to catch a Cowboys game? After threatening to become
interesting by having the agents start accusing each other of being
Kane's mole, the movie returns to terminal blandness by having Edy
discover the bug in her borrowed watch. Now they're all friends
again, yay! Donna and Rico celebrate by having sex and/or practicing
their synchronized swimming moves in a pool, I'm not quite sure what
was going on there. Morning dawns and it's a NINJA BATTLE! Things
do NOT go well for the highly trained warriors, I think you can sum
it up in the scene where Nicole wails on one with a baseball bat and
quips that she's Batman. Hmm, it's a little too late to save this
movie but I appreciate the effort.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's pretty obvious they ran out of
money and time at this point, as the next seen has Lucas rolling out
the trademarked Sidaris exposition by announcing they've traced Kane
to his headquarters AND got Silk to help plant a tracker on him so
they can detail his entire criminal empire. WOW! Maybe the whole
movie should have been done this way, it could have been over in
minutes and spared us the last ninety minutes of... well, nothing. A
quick wrap up of the cast toasting each other and cracking TERRIBLE
jokes sends us out of Dallas.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">At six films in, the Sidaris formula
has officially worn itself out. Looking back, I miss the insanely
convoluted plots because at least THOSE kept me vested trying to
figure out what the fuck was going on. These last few have been
completely straightforward and basic plots, but when you have one of
the most unlikable casts ever assembled in one picture, it is HELL ON
EARTH. What do we know about Donna or Nicole? How about Shane, Edy,
or Lucas? I know Bruce really loves motorcycles, does that count for
anything? Besides the fact they like to get naked a lot in the face
of impending doom? These characters have no character, and all I can
think is LORD I MISS TARYN.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">You know what the WORST fail of this
movie was? And no, it's not using Erik Estrada for a grand total of
maybe ten minutes, it's the assassins. With the exception of Hebert
and Bodreaux, they were all GENERIC AS FUCK! How in the hell were
they not all stacked Playmates with tons of wacky personality traits
and extravagant gimmicky costumes? THAT'S a movie, not a bunch of
middle aged white guys that totally suck at their jobs and couldn't
say anything clever even if it was written by Joss Whedon.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Generic as fuck works for everything
else going on here too, every single actor feels like they're going
through the motions and I'm sure they are as these films were made
yearly. I'd be worn out too of doing the exact same thing over and
over again... exactly like I am watching Bullets, Bombs, and Boobs
over and over again. Still two more movies of Donna and Nicole until
the new blood takes over, so let's see if we can survive them intact.
</span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-23200675863191895222015-02-05T21:48:00.004-07:002015-12-28T18:54:32.960-07:00A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Guns<span style="font-family: inherit;">“<i>Hope was terrific. She was good on the screen, but she was difficult. She thought she should be doing bigger and better, and we said please go do bigger and better. She was not a team player as much as we would have liked, but she delivered for us. She was always late, and very difficult, and she knows it. But we're happy she did our pictures, and she certainly had great sex appeal, but she just wasn't quite with the program. She's a nice enough person, she just wasn't right for the program. She finally had her breasts made just right, and when we were getting ready to make </i><span style="font-style: normal;">Guns</span><i>, she said 'I don't want to expose my breasts.' We said 'Hope, bless you, child, we think the world of you, God Bless you, but we'll see you later.' Who the hell are we kidding?” - Andy Sidaris on Hope Marie Carlton</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on Savage Beach...</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm still not really sure. A Filipino
revolutionary named Martinez was playing all sides to steal a bunch
of gold, half the cast was masquerading as someone else, and we got
some clunky back story about Taryn's grandfather getting murdered by
Crazy Katana Man. It was a very rough movie to sit through.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The 1980s are dead, long live the
1990s! The ULTRA creatively titled <i>Guns</i> is kicking off the
new decade, although it's still very much a 1980s style movie. 1990s
style action wouldn't truly begin until the following year when James
Cameron and <i>Terminator 2</i> redefined the genre forever, but
that's another review for another time. <i>Guns</i> is most
memorable for bringing the legendary Erik Estrada into the
Sidarisverse, one of the most engaging actors to ever grace the
silver screen. While his career has mostly consisted of TERRIBLE B
and C-grade level movies, you can't once tell me he wasn't the
shining highlight of any of them. Let's see what kind of magic he
can work with this one, as it's now time for <i>A Ghoul Versus Guns</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open in Las Vegas with our old
friend Edy, looking absolutely stunning I might add, singing a song
called “Guns” in a club. The chorus goes “don't play with
guns, they ain't no fun”, which I CERTAINLY hope isn't a harbinger
of things to come. She's actually singing the song, and isn't half
bad. What can't Cynthia Brimhall do? We cut to elsewhere in the
club where ERIK MOTHERFUCKING ESTRADA shows up to grace us with his
awesomeness as well as his glorious smile. He's actually just
leaving though, getting into a limo with his right hand man Tong
(played by future B-movie Action God, Danny Trejo) to meet with two other men which are
quickly revealed to be assassins he is hiring for a job in Honolulu
but we're not told who the target is.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The men fly to Hawaii, which is where
we catch up with Donna and Tar- waitaminute, when the hell did Taryn
change into Roberta Vasquez?! Yep, <i>Savage Beach</i> was the last
we'll ever see of our beloved Hope Marie Carlton in the Sidarisverse,
as Sidaris decided she wasn't worth the trouble she caused and cut
her. She's been replaced with Vasquez, last seen as the duplicitous
Pantera in </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_24.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Picasso Trigger</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">, and now playing a DEA agent named
Nicole Justin. I am instantly saddened by this, Taryn was the
definitely the half of our Dynamic Duo that was interesting and
funny. You know, like a character. What better way to get
introduced to Nicole than by having her accompany Donna to a clothing
store to buy a dress and try it on in the fitting ro- WHA?!? The
camera DOES NOT follow Nicole to the fitting room so we can see her
get naked, instead it shifts to Donna having a conversation with
Rocky about... something. This is BY FAR the biggest plot twist to
go down in these movies yet!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Estrada's character, Juan Degas (the
“S” is silent as he's all too happy to point out) JUST HAPPENS to
be walking by the store and glimpses Nicole looking resplendent in
her green dress. He goes outside where his assassins,
Cubby and Tito, are waiting for him. Cubby is played by Chu Chu
Malave, a professional boxer turned actor whom actually beat out
Estrada for a role in the 1970s TV show <i>Barney Miller</i>. Tito
is played by Richard Cansino, who would go on to become a VERY
accomplished voice actor with feature roles in dozens upon dozens of
anime series and video games including <i>Rurouni Kenshin, Ghost in
the Shell</i>, and <i>Assassin's Creed</i>. I'm sure his deep pool
of experience here in this film earned him his job in that last
entry.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Juan tells them a woman in a green dress is their target,
giving them a Jack of Diamonds playing card to place on her body when
they've done the deed. As they've been established already as having
an INTENSE fondness for explosives, the two start coming up with a
way to explodinate her Juan wants it kept simple. When they look at
him with blank expressions on their faces, he summarizes “shoot her
in the head!”. HA, it's Estrada's World and we're just lucky
enough to live on it. Returning to the shop, we see ANOTHER
patron has bought a green dress as well and you don't need to be a
genius like Erik Estrada to tell where this is going. The woman goes
into Rocky's restaurant or resort or whatever the hell it's supposed
to be while the assassins go into the women's bathroom to... you
guessed it, dress up like women!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">FINALLY cross-dressing is back in
the Sidarisverse, its presence was sorely missed the last two films.
Although they sure don't have the convincing professionalism that was
Michael Andrews, who was an absolute BOSS at “femulating”. They
march right into the restaurant and shoot the poor woman point blank
in the head, and once again I'm happy to be asking questions about
WHY characters in a Sidaris film had to cross-dress in the first
place.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Rocky rushes out to stop them and gets
SHOT IN THE CHEST for her trouble. HOLY SHIT! I was not expecting
that. This movie is really upping the ante on everything! Still,
not everything has changed as we go to Juan for some of that patented
rapid-fire Sidaris exposition. Juan, who is a South American crime
lord, meets with a gun smuggler to confuse the living hell out of us.
The crux is in four days a plane carrying a fuckton of Chinese guns
will arrive in Honolulu, and that Juan set up Nicole's hit to
distract the DEA. It's really very straightforward, but you sure
wouldn't know it from the twisting dialogue.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The assassins escape into the bathroom
to change back to their regular clothes, bumping into Donna and
Nicole (who are unaware of the carnage at Rocky's) on the way out.
Nicole notices a dagger tattoo on Tito's hand, looking very shocked
at it but then the men move on. Screams from the restaurant alert
our heroes, who run inside to find Rocky dead. Donna looks at the
woman in the green dress, finding the playing card the assassins
placed on her body. The words “FOR DONNA” are written on it, as
well as markings on the back indicating it came from the Rio casino
in Vegas. Nicole, who is definitely quicker on the uptake than Taryn
ever was, quickly figures out the men walking out of the bathroom
were behind the shooting. She grabs Donna and they jump in their
jeep, hightailing it to the airport where the assassins are
attempting to leave via helicopter.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The film even attempts to covers its
bases of how the hell Nicole knew where they were going by having her
run the plates on the car the assassins drove to discover they just
checked it into the airport, but misses by failing to tell us how she
got their license plates. It's okay though, it's the EFFORT that
matters. Donna and Nicole board their plane and take off in pursuit
of the chopper, and I hope that in the name of all that is awesome we
get a midair shootout as a result. Sadly we do not, instead we
get... Shane Abilene. Joy of joys. Yeah, his acting has not
improved in the SLIGHTEST. Nicole radios him for ideas of where the
chopper could be heading, so he suggests a place called Turtle Bay.
He turns out to be right, as that's where the men have a getaway car
waiting for them. They drive away to freedom, the agents heading to
Shane's to figure out their next course of action.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Shane calls in Bruce and we get a scene
of talking heads. Donna decides they should all go to Vegas to
follow up the playing card, despite Bruce wisely pointing out they're
walking into a trap. This scene is also notable for Bruce kissing
Nicole, showing how quickly he must have gotten over Taryn. Is the
DEA the swingingest, anything goes place to work in the world, or
what? The fly to Vegas, Shane calling an agent named Lucas to help
them get the ball rolling. Lucas is played by William Bumiller,
probably best known for the 1989 cult classic <i>Death Spa</i>, which
featured a ghost killing people in a health club. Yes, that's every
bit as spectacular as it sounds.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The Rio is, naturally, the same place
Edy works<i> </i><span style="font-style: normal;">and we see she's
also dating Lucas because that's how the DEA rolls. You're not an
official agent until you've banged at least three of your fellow
coworkers within the first ninety days. This scene is notable as Edy
gives us the first bit of nudity in the film as she gets changed
while Lucas updates her on the Hawaii situation, which at nearly half
an hour in is a MAJOR development in a Sidaris movie. Sidaris has
been so busy telling a cohesive and entertaining story that he forgot
why most of his audience was here, and I am not complaining ONE BIT.
This has been a very fun movie so far.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Okay,
maybe he didn't TOTALLY forget, as the next scene is two women oil
wrestling in their underwear. One we've met before, agent Kym,
whereas the other is Hugs, played by Donna Spangler. Spangler was a
professional wrestler in the now defunct POWW federation, but has
gone on to have a long lasting career of minor roles in movies.
After their bout they take a shower, which is logical since Sidaris
has a LOT of boobage to make up after that opening act. Back to
Hawaii where Juan is currently chewing out the assassins for screwing
up and shooting the wrong woman. To be totally fair though, they just
did EXACTLY what he told them to do, but somehow I don't think he's
about to take the blame for this fuck up.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Juan's
girlfriend and resident femme fatale Cash assures him that if SHE
were put on the job she'd get results, but he assures her there's a
time and a place for her talents. Cash is played by Playboy's Miss
June 1985 Devin DeVasquez, whom is probably best remembered for her
starring role in the FUCKING INSANE horror film </span><i>Society</i><span style="font-style: normal;">,
a movie that arguably out Cronenbergs David Cronenberg in the realm
of body horror. And speaking of bodies, Cash's is the next we get to
see as she strips off her clothes to have sex with Juan. The next
day the agents land in Vegas, Tong secretly watching them arrive.
This is the first thing Trejo has done the entire movie, so hopefully
he has a huge scene of badassery on the way.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Or
not. Tong hands an assault rifle to two goons standing next to him
and tells them to take out Bruce and Nicole, who are leaving on a
motorcycle. Bruce Penhall on a bike, what are the odds?! The goons
attack from a plane, but they're no match for Donna's bazooka. Ahhh,
a Sidaris film with a bazooka... all is right in the world. Shane
searches the plane's wreckage to find the gun they were using, Bruce
identifying it as an ultra rare Chinese weapon. The team meets up
with Lucas for some more talking head stuff and bloody hell there's a
lot of people here. Lucas, Donna, Nicole, Bruce, Shane, Edy, Kym,
and a man and a woman I don't recognize at all.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The
meeting doesn't accomplish much besides Lucas telling Donna the
attorney general wants to meet with her, so that's our next scene.
Surprise surprise, the attorney general is a beautiful blonde woman
named Kathryn! Kathryn is played by the late Phyllis Davis, who was
a popular television star for the better part of two decades with
roles in shows like</span><i> Love, American Style</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
and </span><i>Vega$</i><span style="font-style: normal;">. She is
worried about Donna's potential actions in Vegas, as it turns out her
judgment may be clouded since Juan killed her father a decade ago.
They butt heads until we get a REAL surprise: Kathryn is Donna's
MOTHER. This ought to get interesting... </span>
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The
man from the DEA meeting, Abe, goes to interrogate two criminals
about what's going on. I guess we did see him in the movie for a
second, as he also works at the Rio with Edy where he does a magic
act. And that's exactly how he conducts his interrogation, by using
magic tricks. Things get even stranger where we have a flashback of
the two agents getting killed at the beginning of</span><i> Picasso
Trigger</i><span style="font-style: normal;">, Abe revealing one of
them was his brother. He gets no answers from the smart assed men,
so he... pulls out a shotgun and kills them?! That was INCREDIBLY
pointless. So is the next scene of Nicole and Bruce having sex on
top of his bike in the middle of the desert, but that's probably just
Sidaris remembering his hasn't shown us Vasquez naked yet.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Kym's
contribution to getting to the bottom of the mystery is going to
Margie's Lounge, a popular hangout for cross-dressers in Vegas to try
to dig up anything on the assassins. The owner of the business,
Large Marge, is Rodrigo Obregon IN DRAG. This movie is amazing! I
wonder if Obregon dies in this one too, or will his nappy ass wig
spare him? Marge points out Cubby and Tito, who, sure enough, are
back in their drag outfits. Kym tries to arrest them but they run
out the back door and get away in a van. Marge complains about how
hard it is to run in high heels and I now wish he was the agent who
replaced Taryn instead of Nicole. We return to the Rio where Edy,
once again looking exquisitely gorgeous, entertains a crowd that
includes Juan and his crew as well as most of the agents.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">After her
song Abe takes the stage for his act, aided by the other woman from
the meeting who is named Ace. Ace is played by Liv Lindeland, one of
the most famous Playmates in Playboy's history as she was the first
one to ever show her pubic hair in a pictorial. She was Miss January
1971 and then was later chosen as 1972's Playmate of the Year, going
on to a largely low key acting career. This is actually her second
appearance in the Sidarisverse, her first being </span><i>Picasso
Trigger</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> where she was the love
interest of the professor that built the inexplicable
techno-crutch/homing missile launcher. Tong confirms Abe is the man
who killed the two thugs, who were actually in employ of Juan. Cash
is assigned to take him out.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Shane
leaves the casino to go work out with Donna, because the DEA is
always about those priorities. This leads to Donna going into the
changing room to undress, like you had any doubt in your mind
whatsoever. Things pick up when two NINJAS run into the gym and
start kicking the living shit out of Shane until Brown, another DEA
agent, shows up to turn the tide. Brown, played by John Brown, is in
his third and final Sidarisverse film, having previous brief roles in
</span><i>Malibu Express </i><span style="font-style: normal;">and</span><i>
Picasso Trigger</i><span style="font-style: normal;">. Brown was a
professional bodybuilder, winning Mr. Universe on back to back
occasions in 1981 and 1982, the only contestant to ever do so. And
in case you aren't aware of who he is, there's a John Brown poster on
display for a good portion of the scene in a nice bit of fourth wall
breaking. As an interesting side note, his son Equanimeous St.
Brown, who was one of the top rated wide receivers in the country,
just signed a letter of intent with Notre Dame University and
certainly could be NFL-bound in several years.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Juan
is pissed about this latest failure, so has Cubby and Tito kidnap
Kathryn. Yeah, let's REALLY piss off Donna now. I'm not sure Juan
has thought this all the way through. We get another taste of the
ALWAYS ON TASK department that is the DEA as we see Abe at a lake
fishing, while Cash sneaks around plotting something no doubt
nefarious. Also, I'm pretty sure she's wearing the exact same outfit
Anjelica was at the end of </span><i>Savage</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
</span><i>Beach</i><span style="font-style: normal;">. Cash
effortlessly kills both Abe and Ace, one with a grenade and the other
with a bullet through the back of the head. DAMN! I know it's wrong
to root for the bad guys, but I really don't mind the death of
characters that was had zero percent build up. Keep culling the dead
weight Cash!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The
Agency assembles once again, Donna and Nicole somehow figuring out
Juan's plan to get them out of Hawaii while he transported his guns.
They also learn about Kathryn's kidnapping, Donna sending Nicole and
Bruce to deal with the guns while she goes to rescue her mother. Edy
ditches the party early to confront Cash, somehow knowing exactly
where she lives. Maybe she has the same place she did we they were
dancers? It doesn't really matter, just get ready for a whole lot of
conveniences to start happening with the ending in sight. Edy shoots
her dead, unfortunately she can't think of anything witty to say
after pulling the trigger.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">On
their way to the airport, Nicole and Bruce stop at a diner to get
some sandwiches because why not? It's not like there's anything
important they should be rushing off to do! The assassins attack
them but get double doses of lead poisoning to end their puzzling
involvement in the movie. Bruce tries his attempt at a one liner “so
THIS is what goes on in the ladies room!”, but fails miserably.
Everyone else heads to the Rio, where Juan is bringing Kathryn for
some reason. It's all pretty standard fare from here on out: all the
bad guys die, highlighted by Donna blowing up Juan with her bazooka.
Yawn. We don't even get an ending where the world's biggest klepto admits to stealing a bunch of guns to sell for herself!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue
the credits.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Positives:
this wasn't just a good Andy Sidaris film, it was a good film period.
It's a very nice and simple 1980s style action B-movie, filled with
all the tropes of the era. Yes, the ending is pretty lame and really
needed some over the top action sequences, but the journey getting
there more than made up for it. This is extraordinary considering
the total snoozefest that was the last film in the series. Erik
Estrada was his usual magnificent self, like he's capable of doing
any less. What I love about him is no matter how lowly his role is,
he'll put in maximum effort every single time and transform his
character into someone special and memorable. Cynthia Brimhall
didn't really do a lot, but wow was she ever breathtaking when she
was on screen.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Negatives:
the loss of Taryn. Donna Hamilton is one of the most lifeless and
flat characters that I've ever seen, she ONLY works as a straight
woman when paired with a goofy and wacky partner. Nicole embodies
NONE of that, as she's basically Donna 2.0. This makes for a team of
heroes that don't exactly endear that pesky “giving a fuck” that
is kind of crucial to movies like these. You even had all the pieces
here to make us care, Donna seeking revenge for her father's murder
AND saving her mother, but her blandness put all of that to a
screeching halt. Hopefully Sidaris will address this, considering
there's three more movies of the Donna and Nicole pairing ahead of
us, but somehow I highly doubt it. Oh, and Michael Shane's acting is NOT getting any better.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Still,
the positives more than outweigh the good in this case. It's
possible I'm being so favourable to this movie after how bad </span><i>Savage
Beach</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> was, but any B-movie that
keeps me entertained from the opening to the closing credits has to
have SOME merit so I give this one a very high recommendation.</span></span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-60448946520239944592015-02-03T22:20:00.002-07:002015-02-14T12:35:10.782-07:00A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Savage Beach (Part 2)<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here for Part 1!</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">The
agents check into their room and are brought room service by two other
Japanese men that look a tad bit conspicuous, especially when they
pull out blades and try to kill them. One of the men is played by the awesomely mustached Al Leong, a famous actor I'm sure you've seen in at least several movies as he's been in hits such as <em>Die Hard, Big Trouble In Little China, Lethal Weapon,</em> and <em>Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure</em>. </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">A 1980s martial arts movie
breaks out as I've pretty much given up on this entire thing. I'm
sure the would be assassins will get explained soon enough, but how
much shit do we NEED in this movie?! Once again, this feels like
Sidaris just put three partial scripts he had in a blender and
assembled one movie out of them. The fight between four characters
we know absolutely nothing about drags on until the assassins win...
and then don't kill the agents.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">INSTEAD, they take the agents'
clothes because this is now </span><i>Dress Up: The Movie</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
and forge their own ID's. I really hope at the end of this movie
like twenty naked guys run out all at once to call out all the
imposters going on. </span></span><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The
assassins search the room and find ANOTHER fucking disc, which
mercifully ends the scene. Trying to sit through this movie is an
endurance test unto itself. The pilots find a beach to land on but
just because they're ostensibly the stars of this movie is no reason
to focus on them so let's see what those wacky assassins are doing
now. They enter the Pearl Harbor Naval Complex thanks to their faked
credentials in a scene highlighted by a security guard glancing
directly into the camera as he walks out of the frame.</span></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">They enter a
room with Andreas, Martinez, and the blonde guy impostor, giving them
the disc they stole from the real Japanese agents, which AT LEAST
explains how Martinez knew about the agents as the governments have
all been working together. This disc has their information on the
location of the gold, which really makes me wonder why Andreas had to
go through with that whole satellite thing, but if I ask any more
questions I fear my brain is going to implode. I mean, Andreas' rant
about taking the satellite out of Star Wars really made it seem like
he was being shady but this is clearly an international cooperative
effort.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Martinez
gives them a small statue as a token of his country's gratitude, and
I have good money that's going to go explodey later on. The
assassins leave, the others putting the disc in a computer to have a
look at its contents. Another lab tech is able to cross reference
its information with the information they already had to pinpoint the
exact location, Andreas commenting its a “savage beach” due to
the crazy weather in the region. HA! Naturally, this JUST HAPPENS
to be the same island our intrepid heroes landed on so at 43 minutes
in these nine million plot threads are beginning to come together.
The plane is fucked, so they decide to explore it to see if
anything's shaking.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Taryn mentions how the island feels familiar to
her, which goes back to a story she was telling earlier about how her
grandfather died in the war but his body was NEVER FOUND. Ohhhh boy.
The assassins return to wherever the hell they're staying and open
Martinez's gift to find it's full of money and the disc the dead tech
gave him. So they're... working for Martinez? NO NO NO. Okay, if
the governments were working together why did Martinez have his
assassins steal the disc when the Japanese agents were going to
deliver it ANYWAY? Right? It'd be one thing if the agents were bad
guys planning on stealing the gold for themselves, but they're good
guys trying to get the gold back to the Philippines.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Martinez
is just making this entire plan excessively more difficult than it
needs to be. They fire up the disc and get the location, so now they
can presumably rush to the island while Martinez stalls Andreas
maybe? That's the only benefit I can think of this whole imposter
plan, but then... what was the deal with the dead tech and the disc
exchange? Does Andreas have the wrong location now and will waste
his time going there while Martinez beelines straight for the gold?
Can this be any more fucking complicated?!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Blonde
Guy, who is now shirtless because we haven't seen a topless guy in
awhile, starts readying a plane for the three to fly to Knox Island.
Martinez gets in a car with Anjelica and starts having sex with her,
which has to be AWKWARD AS HELL for his driver because it's just a
regular car and not a limo with a divider. In fact, I'm fairly
certain it's the same car Blonde Guy hijacked earlier only with the
cheap letters removed. I'm also really beginning to appreciate Teri
Weigel's acting, it's so bad it's starting to become endearing.
Donna and Taryn decide to go skinny dipping in the ocean, because
it's not like they should be focusing on trying to find a way off the
island or anything. I really love the priorities of every single
character in this movie, it's almost like they were written by a guy
who was more interested in T and A over trying to tell a cohesive
story. ALMOST.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Case
in point, the very next scene has Patti and Rocky getting a call from
Shane about the pilots, who have been missing for ten hours now.
They have to get ready to go see him, so OF COURSE that involves
stripping out of their lingerie to get dressed. It's scenes like
this that REALLY make me wonder why we need such a complex story for
this thing, when this could have easily been Donna trying to stop the
drug smugglers from earlier for an hour and a half. I continue to
wonder this in the next scene, where our pilots learn they aren't
alone on the island. A crazy Japanese man attacks Taryn with a
katana, but Donna scares him off by shooting a flare gun his way.
They grab their weapons from the plane and enter the jungle to track
him down, as well as rocking some bitching warrior face paint... for
some reason.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">They
briefly spot him but he once again evades them after locking eyes
with Taryn for a moment. He runs back to his hole in the ground
where he pulls out a picture of a happy young couple and their little
baby, but before this goes anywhere the plane carrying Andreas and
crew lands on the island. The three men get out and begin searching
the jungle with their “gold detectors”, Donna and Taryn carefully
stalking them to figure out what they're up to. They make the
mistake of making googly eyes over Blonde Guy a bit too long though,
allowing Andreas to get the drop on them with his gun drawn. Our
heroes get tied up while the men return to the jungle to find the
gold.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The
island is proving to be a popular destination today, as Anjelica, the
assassins, and a couple of armed goons show up next. Crazy Katana
Man frees the pilots with his sword, but not before taking the time
to stare at Taryn again. Across the island the men have finally
found the gold stash, just in time for Anjelica's team to show up.
She embraces Martinez as they begin to celebrate their new found
wealth, only for the assassins to blow her away with their guns.
They announce their plans to claim the gold for themselves, but then
all hell breaks loose when Katana Man kills one of the goons. This
leads to everyone chasing everyone else, Andreas and Blonde Guy
eventually teaming up with Donna and Taryn to take out the others.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Much poorly paced action later, Martinez runs towards Anjelica's boat
with the impossibly heavy gold stuffed into a tiny backpack that
probably weighs AS MUCH as said boat, Taryn hot on his heels. </span><span style="font-style: normal;">He
makes the grave error of simply trying to sail away without killing
her first, because she simply takes him out with an exploding arrow
from her crossbow. Thanks for playing Obregon, as always you never
cease to entertain us with your shortsighted ways! The last
surviving assassin takes her hostage, but of course Katana Man pops
out of nowhere to kill him. Unfortunately, the assassin manages to
fatally shoot him several times as a final fuck you. Katana Man
falls to the ground, handing Taryn the picture of the family for
earlier.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Dying,
he quickly runs down his back story as helpfully translated by
Andreas. This leads to ANOTHER World War II flashback where the
Japanese soldiers carrying the gold, after their boat crashed on Knox
Island, saw a boat of three injured American soldiers wash up ashore.
They quickly killed them, one of the soldiers Taryn's long last
grandfather. Two of the Japanese soldiers eventually gave into their
shame of their actions and killed themselves, Katana Man staying
behind to grow old thanks to some of the worst old age makeup this
side of Peter Weyland in </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-ghoul-versus-prometheus-part-1.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Prometheus</span></a></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">.
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Katana
Man finally succumbs to his wounds after delivering one of the longer
dying speeches in recent memory. Honestly, they probably could have gotten him medical attention in the time it took to recite it. And wow, this was a horribly dark
sequence for a movie about boobs boobing around. Donna and Taryn
take Andreas' plane to return to Honolulu, the men agreeing to meet
them in a couple of hours when their rescue boat arrives. It's quite
clear from the dialogue Taryn and Blonde Guy will be getting' it on
very soon- HEY WAITAMINUTE! Blonde Guy is an evil double agent!
There's only a few minutes left, how are they going to resolve this
or did they just fucking forget?!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Thankfully
(?), no. After the pilots fly away, Blonde Guy reveals to Andreas
that he's Bruce Christian of the CIA. The CIA didn't want to get
into a “pissing match” with the military over the gold, so
decided to infiltrate the operation and take it over directly. Yeah,
whatever. Cut to the traditional Sidaris wrap up scene, with the
entire cast at Rocky's toasting to good times. Bruce points out six
gold bars were missing when his men got to the island, and you're
NEVER going to guess who took them: Shane! Hahah, just kidding. It
was Taryn. It's ALWAYS fucking Taryn. She once again points out
she's still a civilian so she's entitled to take whatever she
pleases, and I wonder if there ever will be a payoff to her whole
witness protection program subplot? Everyone pairs off (or in
Andreas' case, threesomes off with Patti and Rocky. YOU GO BOY!) to
go have sex and that's our movie. THANK CHRIST.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Cue
the credits.</span><br />
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This
was pure, unadulterated torture in the form of excruciating boredom.
It took me over a week to watch this movie, as I'd make it through
about twenty minutes before my attention span would turn to something
more exciting like scrubbing my sink or arranging my clothing hangers
by colour. The problem with this was the zillion interweaving
subplots were NOT interesting in the slightest, and what's worse they
were all about characters we couldn't possibly begin to care about.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I want
to see Donna and Taryn traipsing around in Hawaii making terrible one
liners and shooting shit, not numerous double and/or triple cross
stories about guys we know nothing about. Or World War II flashbacks
where some soldiers brutally murder some defenseless men by hacking
them to death. I'm not even sure who the star of this movie was,
based off screen time I'd probably have to go with Martinez. He was,
like virtually everyone, a flat and dull character that did NOTHING.
IT WAS SO FUCKING BORING!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This
easily ranks up with </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-ghoul-versus-bling-ring.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the Bling Ring</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> or </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-ghoul-versus-apparition.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the Apparition</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">as one
of the most tedious films ever reviewed on </span><i>A Ghoul
Versus...</i><span style="font-style: normal;">, it was bad. OH SO
BAD. It didn't help that every actor was in total IDGAF Mode, adding
insult to the injury that was this film. Actually, that's not quite
accurate. Teri Weigel was a definite high spot here, as her
awesomely hammy delivery got increasingly entertaining by the minute
and stole the show. I really would have preferred her to be the Big
Bad and not the vanilla Martinez, because she definitely felt like
one of the lively and fun characters from the previous, infinitely
better Sidaris films.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There
very few other highlights in this movie, Martinez's epic one liner
after killing the tech and Donna and Taryn stripping in the middle of
a life or death situation, but they're not enough to save this
disaster of a movie. Avoid at all costs unless you're REALLY vested
in the Sidarisverse, because there's still... oh wow... EIGHT movies
left in this retrospective.</span></span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-4520134095983526692015-02-03T22:14:00.002-07:002015-02-14T12:35:27.074-07:00A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Savage Beach (Part 1)<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>I think I'm a pretty good
storyteller. I think </i><span style="font-style: normal;">Savage
Beach</span><i> is as good a story as anything. It's a throwback to
the old days of adventure pictures. Anybody can shoot a back alley
and have two guys say 'motherfucker', stab each other and call that a
movie. That's what most people do. We don't do that. We don't hold
women hostage, or slash their throats. I see movies that are so
despicably mean spirited that I can't believe them.” - Andy Sidaris</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_24.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on The Picasso Trigger...</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Donna and Taryn took a backseat from
their usual adventuring to get involved in a story about a guy named
Salazar trying to kill a guy named Ortiz who was trying to kill
members of the Agency, only to have them try to kill him and then try
to kill Salazar because... actually, never mind. I'm getting the
brain pains just thinking about it.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">One year later, one more Sidarisverse
movie. This one is <i>Savage</i> <i>Beach</i>, starring the usual
gang of blondness and their hedonistic ways. Hopefully another
Abilene relative turns up, because Donna's not going to be happy
until she's banged her way through the entire family tree. Get ready
to hit the jacuzzi, because it's time for <i>A Ghoul Versus Savage
Beach</i>!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open with
Patticakes and another woman named Rocky riding scooters up to a
warehouse, where they catch the eye of two of the workers and lead
them away to the dock. Just ONCE I'd like to see a movie where the
schlubby guy REJECTS the way-out-of-his-league woman hitting on him
because it's obvious she's playing him like a fiddle. “Yeah sorry
hun, I don't wanna end up with a bullet between my eyes so get outta
here!”. The workers' base desires clear the coast for Donna and
Taryn to pull up in their jeep and sneak into the building. You can
tell they mean business because Taryn is wielding an uzi! Donna
searches crates marked pineapples, finding them to fake and filled
with cocaine instead. Hey, you realize this is the first time in the
series we've seen Donna doing ACTUAL DEA stuff?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She enters the
office of the manager and attempts to arrest him in a very funny
scene where she shows him her badge and warrant, so he in turn shows
her his shotgun. Alerted by the gunfire, the workers subdue Patti
and Rocky and enter the warehouse to help. One shootout later and
our ladies have stopped some drug dealers, so what better way to
relax than with a TOPLESS JACUZZI SESSION?! This accomplishes
nothing besides letting us see all of the actresses naked before the
ten minute mark, so smooth sailing so far. But eventually
nipples have to give way to a plot, so we get that in the next scene
where we go to a hospital at nearby Knox Island. It seems a group of
children there are very sick and need for vaccine, so the doctor
calls Honolulu to get some more flown in.</span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Andy Sidaris, who is no
longer playing Hollywood mogul Whitey but is now a radio operator,
answers the call and patches it through. The doctor wants to speak
with a man named Shane, but he's busy railing some brunette in his
swimming pool. And sure enough, the man is Shane Abilene! Damn, the
Abilene family has more cousins than the Wayans and the Weasleys
COMBINED. Shane takes the call and promises to have the vaccine
delivered within the next day. Uh oh, established time frame in a
movie... I have the feeling things AREN'T going to go exactly
according to plan.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Rocky, who is
posing as the owner of a restaurant because apparently they couldn't
get Cynthia Brimhall back to play Edy, meets with the rest of her
fellow agents just in time for Shane to call all of them for a
meeting. Rocky is played by Lisa London, an actress who surprisingly
ISN'T a former Playmate HOWEVER she did star in one of their erotic
<i>Twilight Zone</i> knockoff movies so close enough. Her
filmography is mostly filled with roles like “hooker”, “redhead”,
and “busty secretary”, but unlike pretty much every actress in
the Sidarisverse, she's been getting steady acting gigs the past two
decades. Arguably her biggest role is due this year, where she's set
to have a part in the rabidly anticipated <i>Samurai Cop 2: Deadly
Vengeance</i>.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Shane, played by an
actor named Michael Shane in his debut role, assigns Donna and Taryn
the mission of delivering the serum. He tells them this through what
I describe as “interpretive acting”, it feels like he's doing a
table read instead of trying to deliver his lines. We better get
used to him though, Michael Shane is going to be the first Abilene
cousin to have a recurring role in the Sidarisverse. His “acting”
is also enough to diffuse the question of why the DEA would be making
medicine deliveries, because we've just seen they already have bigger
fish to fry. I mean, I guess Donna and Taryn's cover has ALWAYS been
pilots but you'd think after all their high profile cases every hood
in Hawaii would know they're DEA agents.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Donna and Taryn
ready their plane while Shane arrives via helicopter to trade double
entendres with Donna. PROFESSIONALISM! Although I'm sure he's heard
from his three other cousins about how easy Donna is, so this is just
obligatory foreplay for him. In the middle of this, it gets set up
that a massive storm is going to be brewing around the island so they
have to get in and get out as quickly as possible. If you're keeping
track, that is now TWO ticking clocks the movie has thrown our way.
We just need one of the agents to get infected with whatever disease
is on Knox Island and we'll have ourselves a bingo.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">This
movie being too clear and concise for you so far? Well, you're in
luck because the </span>next<span style="font-style: normal;"> scene
arrives to throw a spanner or nine into the works. Rodrigo Martinez,
a Filipino government agent, meets with Naval Captain Andreas
about... I have no idea really. Andreas says something about how
he's commissioned one of the Star Wars satellites for 40 hours to do
Martinez a favour at great personal risk to America's safety, and WOW
do I get the feeling I'm going to have a massive headache by the time
the credits roll. Since when does the Navy get control of satellites
in space? Anyway, Andreas says the satellite's findings are being
delivered by a courier at this very moment, which is the next
character we join.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">He's
in a car that is hilariously marked “US ARMY” with tiny stickers
the film crew bought from a hardware story when a motorcycle pulls up
to his window and shoots him with a knockout dart. The biker steals
his clothes to impersonate him and arrives at the meeting in his
place, handing the disc to Andreas. This is a good time to mention
all of these actors are people we've seen before, Andreas is played
by John “The Picasso Trigger” Aprea, Martinez is played by
Rodrigo “I Die In Every Movie” Obregon, and the impersonator is
Bruce Penhall, who was one of Salazar's goons in the last film.
Penhall was a pretty big star back in the day, going from a
professional racer to starring in the final season of the
mega-popular television show </span><i>ChiPs</i><span style="font-style: normal;">,
so naturally they're going to stick him on a bike EVERY FREAKING
CHANCE THEY GET.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A lab
tech analyzes the disc to give us our plot: during World War II the
Japanese stole a bunch of gold from the Philippines but a storm sunk
their ship and it's been buried at the bottom of the ocean for over
forty years. Martinez contacted Andreas to use his connections to
help him find it as quickly as possible, because Japanese agents are
ALSO looking for it. Aprea reads these horribly clunky paragraphs of
exposition like he literally doesn't understand a word of what he's
saying, and I for one cannot blame him in the slightest. There's
also something about a Japanese admiral named Inada that knows the
location of the ship, but as usual the dialogue flies by so fast it's
hopelessly confusing.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And
hey, there's Inada, slowly dying from cancer in a hospital bed,
meeting with the two Japanese agents trying to track down the gold.
This actually leads to a FLASHBACK of his World War II days, and...
really?! We're doing this?!? I mean, this is a series of
boob-filled montages impersonating as a movie. Do we really need a
back story this fucking complex? Sidaris sure thought so, so gives
us a few minutes of young Inada prattling on about the gold before
returning to the present so old Inada can CONTINUE to prattle on
about the gold. I am falling asleep right now. It turns out the two
agents are actually working with the Navy to find the gold so they
can return it to the Philippines and restore their country's honor...
or something. So this likely means Martinez is lying about his
intentions and is just trying to pocket the gold for himself, which I
find it very easy to believe seeing as how his actor has played a
shady bad guy in the last two films.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Whatever
the hell this whole scene was about FINALLY ends and we go back to
Donna and Taryn landing on Knox Island. The weather is already
starting to turn nasty, so the women hustle as fast as they can to
get back in the sky after dropping off the vaccine. Next, we see
Martinez driving out to a remote field where the lab tech from
earlier is waiting for him. Is EVERYONE in this movie trying to play
each other? This is fast becoming a clusterfuck for the ages.
Again, I have no idea what they're talking about except I think the
tech lied about the information he found on the disc and gives
Martinez the REAL location of the gold. Martinez gives him a
briefcase full of money and leaves, the tech opening it and getting
his ass explodinated. I'm immediately relived because that's one
less double agent in the movie to keep track of. This does lead to
what is EASILY the movie's best line, Martinez cracking “Don't
spend it all in one PIECE! HAW HAW HAW!” and driving away. That
laugh was EPIC.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Donna
and Taryn fly through the extremely dangerous storm, but that's no
reason they can't get naked RIGHT? I mean, their clothes are soaking
wet after all! There is gratuitous nudity and then there's
Sidarisverse nudity. Sidaris keeps it rolling into the next scene,
where Martinez and his revolutionary girlfriend Anjelica are toasting
to their upcoming fortune. Wow, what a shock. Martinez is a bad
guy. The draw here is Anjelica, and not because she gets naked. She
is played by Teri Weigel, Playboy's Miss April 1986. She's one of
the more infamous Playmates as she made the transition from Playboy
to hardcore pornography, the only Playmate ever to do so.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">She
also has a filmography of roles in many B-movie classics such as
</span><i>Cheerleader</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> </span><i>Camp </i><span style="font-style: normal;">(which
I've <a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/10/a-ghoul-versus-saw-iv-part-1.html" target="_blank">mentioned before</a> and desperately need to review eventually),
</span><i>Return of the Killer Tomatoes</i><span style="font-style: normal;">,
and even blockbuster fare such as </span><i>Predator 2</i><span style="font-style: normal;">.
And I'm going to go out on a limb here and wager she got those roles
based off her looks and not her acting, because it's... well, let's
just say she makes Shane seem not so- no, scratch that. They're both
WRETCHED. In Weigel's defense, she at least seems like she's TRYING
to act so point to her. She strips off her lingerie and begins to
have sex with Martinez, very very AWKWARD looking sex. I think even
Sidaris started to get creeped out, so he quickly switched back to
the pilots.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Lightning
takes out their instruments and, apparently, their ability to act
because they make their performance in </span><i>Hard Ticket to
Hawaii</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> look AMAZING in this
scene. They decide to fly until they can find a place to land,
hoping their fuel will last long enough. The scene transitions from
their plane to the plane of the Japanese agents landing in Honolulu
and getting in a rental car. Unbeknownst to them they are being
followed by Anjelica, who is basically just wearing an unbuttoned
shirt with no bra. Damn, at this point I say just let her have the
gold so she can afford to buy some clothes. She follows them to the
hotel they're staying at, and should I even be bothering to ask how
she knew they were arriving in Hawaii? Or how Martinez even knew
about the agents in the first place? No? Okay.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/02/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_3.html">Click here for Part 2!</a>Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-11503508396920219032015-01-24T16:40:00.001-07:002015-02-03T22:20:40.322-07:00A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Picasso Trigger<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“<i>I feel like when there's nudity
required, it's there. Certainly some of it is gratuitous, I'm not
going to lie to you, but hey, that's what we're here for. In the
play </i><span style="font-style: normal;">42</span><span style="font-size: small;"><sup><span style="font-style: normal;">nd</span></sup><span style="font-style: normal;">
Street</span><i>, where he says 'You go on that stage an unknown, you
come off that stage a star', I say 'You step into that hot tub an
unknown, you step out that hot tub a star'.” - Andy Sidaris</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_22.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Previously on Hard Ticket To Hawaii...</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Andy Sidaris graced the world of cinema with
a movie that feels like it was conceived by teenage boys, and yet was
a billion times more intelligent and fun than any of <i>the Fast and
the Furious</i> movies. We met Donna and Taryn, agents of the DEA
whose hobbies include fighting crime, giving tours of Hawaii, hauling
cancer infested snakes around, and talking to each other topless.
They're back for another round in what is looking like a Cinematic
Universe, so SUCK IT MARVEL.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Picasso Trigger</i> is the third
movie in the Andy Sidaris collection, released a year after <i>Hard
Ticket To Hawaii</i>. This is among the more obscure Sidaris films,
a lot of this is likely due to its bizarre and non-attention grabbing
title. The Picasso Trigger is actually the state fish of Hawaii, a
very beautiful and multi-coloured fish. That doesn't exactly scream
a movie with hot babes and guns, so a lot of video stores probably
didn't order the title heavily when its name popped up on their forms
in 1988. WE however all know better, so let's see what awaits our
identical heroines in <i>A Ghoul Versus Picasso Trigger</i>!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We open ON LOCATION in Paris, France,
because Sidaris is not one to fuck around! A man in a huge mansion
is given a package from a courier representing Miguel Ortiz, opening
it to find a VHS tape inside. He plays it to find a recording from
Ortiz detailing the upcoming murders of several federal agents in
retaliation for the murder of his brother Luca. France Man is going
to be aiding the plan by killing one of the agents in Texas, while
other teams will strike in Las Vegas and Hawaii. France Man gets in
his car and is driven away, while his assistant gets in a sidecar
being driven by a helmeted motorcycle driver.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The two tail France Man to an art
gallery, where he's the guest of honour as he's donating a very
famous painting of a picasso trigger. After his presentation a woman
comes up to him and discusses... something that sounds kind of
threatening. It appears that was the case, as France Man goes
outside for a smoke and is fatally shot by his assistant. These rich
guys, will they EVER learn to conclude background checks on their
hired help? Honestly! We cut to Honolulu and the famed <i>Malibu
Express</i> boat, which is now owned by a guy named Travis wearing a
VERY disturbingly tiny speedo. I do believe the kids call them
“banana hammocks” these days. He's ripped though, so you can't
accuse Sidaris of only catering to male audiences.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm guessing he
must be another Abilene cousin since he now has possession of the
boat, making me wonder what happened to Rowdy? Travis gets a call
from his uncle and fellow DEA agent, LG, who tells him the Picasso
Trigger (the code name of France Man) is now dead and warns him to
watch his back. Yeah whatever, this is a LOT of story so let's go to
Las Vegas to check out the dancing skills of Kym and Patticakes, and
yes it's the same Patticakes from the last film. I'm guessing Edy
must have recruited her for the agency.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Breaking all expectations, the camera
barely lingers on the ladies and instead focuses on some federal
agents in the club talking about one of the patrons: a man named
Schiavo who engages in human trafficking and snuff films. The agents
are bitching about their inability to nail Schiavo with any sort of
case, as they're getting replaced by the undercover Kym and
Patticakes. The lame duck agents leave the club, given flowers by a
waitress that secretly have tracking devices as planted by one of
Schiavo's goons. They head outside in the middle of the day, despite
the establishing shot of Vegas showing it was night time. Oops!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They get in their car and start driving
back to the office, listening to a report on the radio about the
assassination of the Picasso Trigger, aka Alejandro Philippe Salazar.
One of the agents is pleased by this, as he was an international
drug dealer responsible for flooding the streets with coke. The
other agent notices they're being follow by a helicopter, too late
though as the passenger pulls out a bazooka and blows their asses to
Kingdom Come. Geez, and I thought <i>Hard Ticket to Hawaii</i> had a
lot of stuff going on! This has been fourteen minutes of set ups for
what promises to be a labyrinthine maze of plot twists and
incoherence!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We return to Honolulu and the old haunt
Edy's, Miss Edy now sporting a dark dye job. She walks around the
restaurant greeting her patrons, including one Miguel Ortiz. I didn't
notice it from the VHS tape, but he's placed by Rodrigo Obregon, the
actor who played the Unluckiest Son of a Bitch EVER in the form of
Seth Romero. His hair is much longer and he has a beard now, so it's
not distracting or anything. Miguel and his henchman leave the
building, the henchman paying a waitress to give a young couple
nearby a pair of leis. Mmm, I know where this is going...</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Edy sits down with the couple, who are
revealed to be working for the Agency. After talking about how
there's danger in the air, they leave and are promptly shot dead by
two thugs waiting outside. They contact Miguel via a pager to let
him know the deed is done, the crime lord pleased and saying next
stop is Maui to kill a woman who testified against his brother. This
transitions to a shot of Taryn asleep on a house boat, woken up by a
lingerie clad Donna.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Lingerie is nice and all, but this IS a Sidaris
film so Donna strips down to take a shower, making it almost twenty
minutes before we saw boobs in this thing. That, my friends, is
called RESTRAINT. The two throw on wetsuits and go diving, which is
a good thing because the thugs fly an explosive remote control
airplane into their boat and blow it the fuck up. Aww man, all their
underwear was in there! Ortiz, watching the whole thing unfold,
leaves as he thinks the women were on the boat and are now sleeping
with the picasso triggers.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We go to Texas where LG survives his
assassination attempt carried out by a pair of thugs in a van. He
calls Travis, wanting him to come to Dallas to figure out who's doing
all the killing. He says he's bringing in another agent named
Pantera to help with the operation, as she worked with Salazar for
two years undercover. Donna and Taryn hitch a ride on a train, where
they try to figure out who would want them dead. In a nice bit of
continuity, Taryn wonders if it's someone from her past before she
entered the witness protection program, which I never thought would
be mentioned ever again. In an even nicer bit of continuity, Taryn
takes a break from her latest life or death situation to flirt with a
handsome guy making googly eyes at her. As always, she's all about
them priorities. It is a genuinely funny scene though, as I think
Hope Marie Carlton might have taken some acting lessons since we last
saw her.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We cut to... oh crap, JADE, actor
extraordinaire. He walks through an aquatic museum... and that's the
scene. Well, whatever keeps him from talking I am one hundred
percent behind. Pantera, who is the woman who vaguely threatened
Salazar in Paris, arrives at the Dallas airport. Yet another
Playmate recruited by Sidaris, she is Roberta Vasquez, winner of Miss
November 1984. As she rides down the escalator, we can see the two
thugs who tried to kill LG watching her from a balcony. She boards a
limo and leaves the airport, the thugs following her in their van.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">While flying back to Honolulu, Donna
and Taryn call Jade to update him on things. I think Harold Diamond
definitely HAS NOT taken some acting lessons since we last saw him.
Travis arrives in Dallas and meets with Pantera at her hotel, the
lovely agent addressing him as Travis Abilene so he is indeed another
of the Abilene family. She answers the door in lingerie, so you can
already tell where this is going, even moreso when we learn they
dated in college. They go to a cowboy bar to dance, or in Travis'
case, have some kind of odd seizure on the floor. Travis is
definitely a disgrace to the Abilene name, whereas his cousins had a
goofy charisma and charm about them, he just comes off as a douche
bag trying to act cool. And, to make things even worse, he makes
Harold Diamond seem like a GOOD ACTOR.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This leads to an off camera sex scene
between the two, during which Pantera does NOT get naked. Are we
sure Sidaris directed this thing?! I'm really starting to wonder
now... The next morning they drive out to a cafe to meet with LG,
where Pantera discusses her belief Ortiz is behind Salazar's murder.
The two thugs show up here as well, Travis and LG leading them
outside for a boat chase scene. We see Travis shares the Abilene
family tradition of being a HORRID shot, missing every bullet he
fires at their pursuers. Pantera ends up bailing his ass out by
using a sniper rifle to kill one of them, while LG pulls out his gun
and takes out the other. Making their way back to land, Travis calls
Jade to round up the posse and meet him in Vegas... for some reason.
I'm not exactly sure what's going on here.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A jarring title card informs us it's
Thursday as we return to Vegas where the entire cast and some random
DEA agents are meeting in a hotel room. Travis does a slide
presentation to catch everyone up on the plot but only seeks in
making it more confusing as he begins to detail all the various men
involved in Ortiz's empire, most of which we haven't SEEN yet. It
also doesn't help all the unnamed DEA agents begin offering their
insights, making basically a dozen new characters we have to keep
track of. We do get a trace of the old Sidaris style as Donna
INSTANTLY hates Pantera because Travis was her man at some point, so
just takes endless potshots at her in a completely out of character
bitchy fashion.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The meeting ends, Donna talking with
Travis in his room about how she doesn't trust Pantera. She then
completely returns to her old character by getting completely naked
and having sex with him. That's our Donna! And wow Travis, way to
be a TOTAL asshole after Pantera just got done telling you how much
she still cares for you. It is now Friday in Honolulu, where our old
friends Jimmy John Jackson and Whitey are playing a round of golf.
OH JOY, Triple J is back for this one. I anxiously await for a half
hour rant about Vitamin B. Taryn goes to see her old flame and make
some golf related sexual innuendos, as she really wants me to rescind
my statement about her taking acting lessons.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Kym and Patticakes finish another Vegas
show, Schiavo trying to recruit them as they're walking off stage.
They agree to meet with him later, continuing their assignment of
infiltrating his operation. You feel like this is at least three
different movies they combined into one just to save some money?
Case in point, the next scene has Travis and Donna on a plane
flying... somewhere, I'm not even sure. They just got done joining
the Mile High Club because Travis is classy like that, when Donna
goes to light a cigarette off her watch-lighter thing. This gives
Travis a light bulb over his head and he pulls out Salazar's file.
Looking at the crime scene photos, he notices the watch on his arm
changed positions between pictures. How in the hell he made that
connection is beyond me, but hey it sure was convenient for the plot!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What else? Taryn and Triple J having
sex in a hot tub, SEEN IT. Next! Travis and Donna arrive in Hawaii
where they meet with a guy named the Professor who gives them a whole
bunch of low rent James Bond explosive devices. The Professor is
played by Richard LePore, who also played the warehouse boss in <i>Hard
Ticket to Hawaii</i> who was trying to get the cancer snake under
control. He's not even TRYING to be a different character here, so
maybe he's playing the same guy. Once again I have no clue.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We switch to footage of... Edy?
Patticakes? Some brunette woman working out and then getting her
shirt taken off by... some guy. No wait, that's Jade so she must be
Edy. The amount of actors in this film is WAY TOO DAMN HIGH. And
just like ninety percent of the scenes in this movie, it ends without
advancing the story in the slightest. What are they supposed to be
doing? What is going on here?! The Professor gives Travis a
cybernetic crutch that he says will “give him a leg up”, ba dum
tsss. A title card moves us to Saturday, as we see Edy and Jade
sneaking into the building of one of the bad guys as undercover phone
technicians. Why is Edy part of the team? Isn't she just some kind
of informant? When the hell would she have gotten field training?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This scene is amusing because Harold
Diamond MUST have had it written somewhere in his contract he is to
never appear in a scene with his chest covered up. Since his
introduction into the Sidarisverse he has yet to wear a closed shirt,
and he's keeping this going by refusing to zip up his worker
overalls. He could give </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-ghoul-versus-twilight-saga-new-moon.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Taylor Lautner</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> a run for most Blatant Male
Shirtlessness in a movie. The point of this scene is our agents
arrange to meet the bad guys tomorrow so they can “fix their
phones”, when in reality the DEA are setting all the bad guys up so
they can arrest them at the same time on Sunday. Why, you may ask?
Andy Sidaris, that's why.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">After successfully arranging to meet
Schiavo tomorrow for a “private session”, Kym and Patticakes
retire to their room because we haven't seen them naked yet and it's
been OVER AN HOUR of movie time already. MADNESS! I take that back,
because the TRUE madness is Patticakes says she's going to hit the
jacuzzi (one could probably make a drinking game out of that line in
the Sidarisverse) and Kym DOESN'T join her. WHAT IN HOLY HELL?! Kym
Malin, Playboy's Miss May 1982, played the uber creatively named Kym
and would go on to feature in four more Sidaris films. Malin is
actually one of the more mainstream actors in these movies, as she
also had bit parts in <i>Die Hard</i> and <i>Road House</i>, but
1980s movie buffs will best remember her from the VASTLY underrated
1983 comedy hit <i>Joysticks</i>. The film alternates between
showing Kym taking a shower and Patticakes soaking in the tub, which
is about the extent of their character development.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sunday rolls around and NOW shit is
about to get real, so I hope you're buckled in! HA HAH, just
kidding! Some of the most boring and poorly shot action footage EVER
follows, not to mention nonsensical but the agents just start killing
the bad guys instead of arresting them, despite Travis saying how
important it was to take them into custody. My favourite part is
where Patticakes gets shot in the face, but ends up being just fine
because the bullet only grazed her temple. She must be rocking an
adamantium skeleton under that lovely frame of hers. The heroic
murder spree continues until everyone, including Ortiz, lies dead via
bullet holes, defenestration, or explosions. That is about an
anticlimactic as you can get!</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Why in the world did the movie create
three different groups of villains instead of focusing on a single
one that might have actually meant someth- you know what? Boobs. We're not done though, because there's
still the Salazar business to deal with. Not only is he still alive,
PANTERA has been working with him the entire time. I guess that does
excuse Travis cheating on her right and left, but only barely. We
get Salazar's master plan: he purposely botched the assassination
attempt on LG so he could rally the Agency and take out all of
Salazar's cronies, leaving just him running the show.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Travis, who entered Salazar's house
using the crutch the Professor gave him, uses it to scan Salazar's
chest and type a number on the keypad. What he's doing isn't
explained in the slightest and the Big Bad seems content to let him
do it, so... no big deal I guess? Salazar rants forever about
nothing until Travis gets bored and fires a missile out of the crutch
that misses. This leads to a seemingly never ending action sequence
where Donna kills both Pantera and Salazar while Travis does FUCK
ALL, so at least there's that.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This movie is STILL going on as we
return to Ortiz's mansion where Salazar revealed himself, where we
see a foot nudging Pantera's body to make sure she's dead. The
camera pans up to reveal... it's SALAZAR! Dun dun duuu- WHAT THE
FUCK?! What, does this guy just have a cloning factory pumping out
nonstop decoys of himself? Did he steal David Bowie's machine from
<i>the Prestige</i>? Unfortunately for him, Travis and his
mega-psychic powers strike again so our douche canoe hero pulls out
his crutch gun and types in the number he got earlier. This fires a
heat seeking missile out of the crutch and directly at Salazar,
blowing up what has to be at least the sixth person in the movie.
With the level of intuition Travis possesses, he really should get a
job coordinating military strikes because his talents are really
being wasted busting random drug lords that pretty much only kill
other drug lords.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Another ending, another group shot of
the cast gathered around drinking. It's NOT on the <i>Malibu Express</i>
however, so epic fail there. Edy uses her one brain cell and asks
how Travis knew Salazar was still alive, although she fails to
specify WHICH time. Travis replies:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Well you see I had a hunch, so I set
the computer to the coordinates on the pacemaker and the homing
device did the rest.”</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">THAT LITERALLY ISN'T AN ANSWER, TRAVIS! Salazar did have a pacemaker, which was
explained in one line of dialogue very early on. What ISN'T
explained is how Travis knew to use the crutch to scan his pacemaker,
or how he even knew that would work. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, a scene
where the Professor told him what the fuck the crutch could do would
have been helpful! I'm just saying... The film ends exactly the way
the last one did, with Taryn declaring she's going to take the real
Picasso Trigger painting (which she stole from Salazar's house) and
sell it. Everyone toasts to her kleptomaniac ways.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.<br />
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Earlier I said this felt like several
movies mashed into one, and I stand fervently by that. There is just
way too much going on here to the point where nothing gets developed
and no one gets any kind of focus to make you care about ANY of it.
I know that's a foolish complaint for the Sidarisverse but I'm not
going to lie, the previous two films were crafted well enough where I
was pretty damn invested in what happened. And you know WHY?
Because those movies were fun.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Picasso</i> <i>Trigger</i> was
barely fun at all. We not only got a completely uncharismatic
asshole in the form of Travis, the usually bubbly Donna and Taryn
were shoved to the back so a bunch of other nondescript characters
could hog the spotlight. They were all dull and lack the zaniness of
previous players in the Sidarisverse, so this movie just began to
draaaaaaaaaaaaaaag. It felt at least twice as long as it was, which
is something I should never have to say about a B-movie built on
bullets, bombs, and boobs. Skip this one wholeheartedly.<br />
</span></div>
</div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3208589160539366457.post-29047047987843958052015-01-22T19:55:00.004-07:002015-01-24T12:27:38.350-07:00A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Hard Ticket To Hawaii (Part 2)<a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-ghoul-versus-andy-sidaris-collection_22.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here for Part 1!</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Rowdy and his broseph Jade arrive in
Honolulu, hopping in a jeep and driving down the road as they talk
about how much Jade wants to bang Edy. They drive past a
skateboarder doing handstands on his board, commenting he must be
doing some “heavy doobies”. This turns out to be one of the
thugs who killed the cops from the beginning, meeting up with one of
his friends down the road and telling him about the agents. Skater
hops in the back of their truck because the passenger seat is
occupied by... a blow up doll. UMMM, random movie is random.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They chase after the agents, catching
up to them and then... speeding right past them? This scene is made
even more incomprehensible by Jade commenting that they're gone, even
though the previous shot showed they were LITERALLY side-by-side!
Then, the truck warps down the road and Skater gets out, armed with a
gun AND THE BLOW UP DOLL. What in God's name is going on in this
movie?! Skater heads back down the road, shooting at the jeep along
and wounding Jade in the process. Why didn't he just shoot the
agents when they DROVE PAST THEM? I bet Skater's wondering that too
when Jade backs up the jeep and smashes into him, sending him
airborne because Sidaris is ALSO a master student of physics.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Rowdy pulls a freaking FOUR BARRELED
BAZOOKA out of his ass and obliterates Skater into a million little
pieces. Not content with this, he tuns his attention to the blow up
doll and EXPLODINATES it as well. I take back anything bad I've said
about the movie up to this point, it is now MAGICAL. Rowdy takes
Jade to the hospital to get stitched up, calling Edy to let her know
they need a ride since the jeep finally gave out. Edy's bartender,
whom I'm not convinced is a woman after hearing her DEEP voice,
listens in on this call as well. Edy goes into her office to get
changed because we haven't seen her naked in the movie yet, so don't
you EVER accuse Sidaris of not covering his plot holes.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Edy dresses and gets in her car as the camera
cuts to Patticakes, one of the waitresses, swimming in the nearby pool
because I guess the restaurant has one of those? It must be a
country club or something... that's called Edy's. Michelle, the
bartender, calls her cronies and requests an immediate extraction,
rushing off to the locker room to get ready. Patticakes
walks in, topless because Sidaris wanted to save face for not letting
us see Edy's breasts within a minute of introducing her. Patticakes is played by Patty Duffek, Playboy's Miss May 1984. She talks
about how great her breasts are for a minute and then leaves,
Michelle taking off her wig to reveal she's a Michael. CALLED IT!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Not only that but Michael is played by
Michael A. Andrews, better known as Stuart Chamberlain from <i>Malibu
Express</i>, where he ALSO was a cross-dresser. This would seem to
indicate <i>Malibu Express</i> was just a movie based on Cody's life,
and that the actor playing Stuart went on to a life of crime in a
drug empire because it was the 1980s and that was by FAR the boom
industry at the time. Unless that really was Stuart Chamberlain,
just using an alias because he was so ashamed from the fallout of
being caught on tape with Shane? Hmm... the plot thickens.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A blue van driver by Woman Thug and
Bored Thug pulls up outside, Michael jumping in and telling them
where to find Edy. They force her off the road and kidnap her,
showing some amazing capability for movie goons. Bravo! Donna and
Taryn finally get around to spying on Seth's beach house, finding it
heavily guarded by a single guard who is playing Frisbee with a woman
on the beach. They watch as a chopper lands on the grounds, bringing
Edy to Seth. Deciding they're outgunned, the two agents leave to
find Rowdy and Jade.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They drive to a nearby house, waltzing
right in to find a phone to use. Inside they see two sumo wrestlers
training, Taryn telling Donna she'll handle this as she fancies
herself a female James Bond. She begins to speak to them in Spanish,
Donna walking past this blonde moment to pick up the phone and just
call. Naturally she can't reach her fellow agents so they leave, the
camera lingering on the sumo wrestlers sparring because I'd like to
see YOU write a feature length story. The Masters of Staying On
Topic get back in their jeep and decide to go pick up the newlyweds,
because THAT'S important.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They find the woman torn to shreds,
Donna reacting with some MAGNIFICENT acting that just screams “I
posed for Playboy”. Her husband's dead body is not far away, the
two finding his Polaroid camera with a picture of the snake on it.
Right, Subplot #211, I nearly forgot about him. Subplot #174 is
next, as we go back to Edy's where Jackson who is interviewing two
drunk football players in a HILARIOUS interview. Rowdy and Jade
arrive looking for Edy, getting a message that Donna left for them to
meet back at her place. It's kind of funny watching old movies like
this, all I can think is if they had cell phones the plot would have
been resolved by now.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The next scene everyone is FINALLY
united at Donna's, with a quick establishing shot showing the snake
has followed them home and is creeping around outside. The four
discuss rescuing Edy, but Donna and Rowdy get bored so go off to have
sex. As they lay together naked in post coital bliss, we get this
illuminating exchange as Donna asks him what he feels:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“One man's dream is another man's
lunch.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“You son of a bitch.”</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Another thing I don't think Sidaris had
a handle on was dialogue. I'm not even sure what that was supposed
to mean, not even a LITTLE. I was sure Taryn and Jade were going to
have sex as well, but they stayed on task. PLOT TWIST! We cut to
Seth talking to the head of the smugglers, Mr. Chang, on the phone in
a scene that attempts to explain what's going on here. Chang uses
the remote helicopter to deliver diamonds to Seth, who in return
supplies him with drugs. THAT was their plan to evade the Coast
Guard? Earlier we saw Chang's boat wasn't that far off shore, I'm
pretty sure he would have had issues with the authorities WAY BEFORE
he hit that point of Hawaii's waters. This doesn't explain how Seth
gets the drugs to him, but that's putting WAY too much thought into a
Sidaris film so let's keep going.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In the morning Rowdy surfs along the
beach and catches up to the woman that the guard played Frisbee with,
as it's something they do daily event though the agents would have
had NO WAY of knowing that since Donna and Taryn only did
surveillance on Seth's compound for one day. Also, the woman isn't
associated with Seth's drug gang at all, she's just a civilian that
doesn't think it's weird to play Frisbee with a guy armed with a
machine gun.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Rowdy joins the two for a game of catch, secretly
switching out their Frisbee for one he made covered in razor blades.
Oh wow, are you excited as I am?! Rowdy throws the bladed disc at
the guard, BURYING IT INTO HIS NECK IN SLOW MOTION! BOO YAH! The
others arrive armed to the fucking teeth while some kick ass 80s
action music plays, and we are READY to rock! They shoot, bomb, and
kung fu their way through the compound in true Sidaris fashion,
murdering the fuck out of everyone and cracking the most generic one
liners along the way. They rescue Edy and our heroes stand tall,
congratulating each other on a job well done.
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits.
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Or not, it's still going? Donna heads
home to clean herself off, while the others head back to Edy's. As
they regale each other with war stories, Edy asks a single question:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Who got that bastard, Seth?”</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Taryn brings their van to a screeching
halt as everyone looks at each other horrified. <strong> THEY FORGOT SETH!</strong>
THEY FORGOT THE BIG BAD IN ALL OF THIS?! BWA HA HA HA HAH! How do you even... that'd
be like the Bride going through the entire Deadly Viper Assassination
Squad and then FORGETTING TO KILL BILL! Donna arrives home and
washes up, shockingly NOT doing so via a gratuitous shower scene.
And there's Seth, who tries to stab her but gets a harpoon through
his shoulder for attempting to do so. Donna begins to kick the crap
out of him, leaving him for dead as she goes to the kitchen to get
some ice. Rookie mistake there homegirl, because he's back for round
two. This time she turns his own knife on him, stabbing him through
the gut to finish him off.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Having cut her hand open in the
process, she goes into the bathroom to take care of the wound.
That's when Snakey Snake EXPLODES OUT OF THE TOILET, backed by an
inexplicable light show, because it is his time to shine you
bastards! Donna runs back into the living room, where Seth rises
from the dead AGAIN. He pulls the knife out of his stomach and
advances on her, just in time for the snake to bite him right in the
face. GODDAMN, this is NOT Seth's day! This is like the ending of
the first <i>Naked Gun </i>movie where Ricardo Montalban kept getting
killed deader and deader until he was just a smear on the pavement.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Succumbing to the toxic cancer venom,
Seth dies for the fifth or sixth time, I lost count already. The
snake turns its attention to Donna, who pulls out a gun and starts
headshotting it. Apparently when you get bit by cancerous rats you
gain the ability to become bulletproof, because they just bounce off
Snakey Snake like nothing. That's when Rowdy comes CRASHING THROUGH
THE WALL ON A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE, because Sidaris wouldn't rest until
he made the greatest action movie of all time. Rowdy pulls out his
trusty bazooka and blows its head off, my attention quickly turning
to Seth as I begin to pray he gets back up again, but alas, he's
truly dead.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We're STILL not done though, because
there's still Mr. Chang to deal with. You know, the guy who's been
in this thing for all of a minute? Rowdy and Donna go to see him in
his office, where he's protected by a massive bodyguard and
apparently nothing else. Like his office is on the top floor of a
massive building, wouldn't there be SOME level of security
beforehand? Donna hands Rowdy a pair of DEA standard issue nunchucks
and he begins to beat down the mountain of a man, only he does it by
keeping the weapons closed and using them as a simple club. I guess
nunchuck training would have been WAY too expensive for this movie.
Chang grabs a samurai sword off the wall and rushes them, but Donna
blasts his ass out of the window and he falls to his death because OF
COURSE HE WOULD.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We close things out with a scene that
is incredibly similar to that of the last movie, the entire cast of
characters gathered on the back of the <i>Malibu Express</i> and
drinking the finest champagne. Even the reactionary shots are
identical to those from that ending. Taryn discusses her plan to go back for the other case of diamonds, since she's technically not a DEA agent she isn't legally bound to turn them in. She plans to sell them and spread the wealth among her friends, everyone toasting her as we fade out.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Cue the credits, which are set to a
montage of shots from the movie that seem a TAD preoccupied with the
ones containing nudity. Huh.<br />
</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My God, this film was AMAZING. Super
bazooka taking out blow up dolls, razor Frisbee, cancer infected
giant snake, and an unkillable main bad guy that our heroes forgot,
this had everything to the point you didn't even NEED the kitchen
sink. Easily the most fun I've had reviewing a movie on here since
the </span><a href="http://aghoulversus.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-ghoul-versus-robocop-1987.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">REAL Robocop,</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> which is about the highest praise I can
give.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sure, the story was a mess and the
acting was atrocious (ESPECIALLY Harold Diamond), but this is one of
those movies where it all works in its favour. I would have been
INSULTED if this had a cohesive story and good acting, to be honest.
I love how eventually the insanity starts becoming logic, like sure,
that guy is carrying a blow up doll while he tries to kill federal
agents. Why WOULDN'T he be? The bizarre padding scenes are all gold
too, they are SO weird.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Despite all of this, I still wouldn't
rank this above <i>the Room</i> or <i>Samurai Cop</i> though.
There's a bit too much craftsmanship involved here, which is a very
strange thing to say about an Andy Sidaris film. One can largely
follow everything going on here without getting a massive headache or
having to rewind every three minutes trying to piece thing together.
It has a lot of laugh out loud moments, but not as many as those
other two films. It is still a hall of fame movie that you
absolutely should go out of your way to see, and is truly the crown
jewel of the Sidaris Collection.</span></div>
Count Van Ghoulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14333275971829439819noreply@blogger.com0