A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Twilight (Part 2)

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In fifty years when Stephenie Meyer reveals she wrote this whole series just to troll people and secretly make fun of anyone who said they loved it, I'm going to nod approvingly. I've talked a lot in the past about Hollywood romances NOT being based off any kind of love but instead just physical lust masquerading as love. You can go through every movie in the HISTORY of film and not find a better example than Twilight.

+Bella sees Edward and gets all quivery in the knees because he is TOTES HAWT

+Edward treats Bella like complete shit but keeps talking to her because she is TOTES HAWT
+Edward saves Bella's life but keeps treating her like shit. She's okay with that because he's TOTES HAWT
+Edward warns Bella to stay away from him but keeps talking to her because she is TOTES HAWT
+Edward saves Bella's life again and warns her to stay away from him again. She's okay with that because he's TOTES HAWT
+Edward is still TOTES HAWT
+Bella is still TOTES HAWT
=THEY'RE IN LOVE!


Edward sums all this up by giving us a line that hundreds of women have tattooed on their bodies and now very much regret: “So the lion fell in love with the lamb.”.  Bella retorts back “What a stupid lamb”. It looks like they're about to kiss but then the camera cuts to them lying all chaste in a field.  Catherine Hardwicke spins the camera around them because I guess that's her “thing”, but it just really highlights how low budget this whole trainwreck is. On the Director's Commentary she talks about it makes everything look more ethereal and dreamlike, but I think she fails pretty hard at that attempt.  The whole film is pretty much downhill from here, as ANY kind of tension (there was none) or plot (there wasn't one) or anything (nothing) evaporates the second they get together. The next morning Edward comes to pick Bella up for school as she narrates that she's “unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him”.  Love, eh?

They arrive at school in slow motion, with everyone gaping at them. The film does get off its ONLY joke as Bella tells Edward that everyone is staring, but Edward quips “Not that guy, he just looked”. I wonder if Pattinson ad libbed that line, because that really seems like something he'd say. Edward compliments Bella again by comparing their relationship to him going to Hell. DAMN this guy is a smooth talker!  They talk about Edward's past as we learn Carlisle sired Edward (along with his wife Esme), although we never learn why. It's covered in the books where it actually makes sense, but here it just comes off incredibly creepy and really makes you wonder about the doctor.

Suddenly remembering that she's in a movie, Bella asks if it was other vampires that've been killing men around the area. Edward nods, and that should be enough plot advancement for at least half an hour. Bella moves on to asking if all vampires can read minds, Edward saying that's a talent unique to him. He tells her his sister Alice can see the future, and Bella is all like “meh”.  They go back to Bella's house, although I have NO idea of a time frame anymore because this movie is just cutting to different locations right after left. Edward leaves when he smells a “complication”, which is revealed to be the Black family arriving to visit Charlie. Billy glares at Edward in slow motion because that's dramatic.

TOO MUCH DRAMA in fact so the scene cuts to Edward taking Bella to meet his family at their home. Everyone is nice and gracious to her except for Rosalie, who's a complete bitch to Bella but it's all justified because A) it's Bella and B) she knows how dangerous Edward dating a human can be for all of them.  Edward takes Bella tree climbing so we can have more spinning camera shots of them not kissing. It's like every scenes their faces are about to touch but then just stop and they look at each other. This goes on forever so I give up and fast forward a bit. Diner scene. Oh hai there Stephenie Meyer cameo! I wonder what type love triangle story she's writing while she eats.  Oh wait, diner scenes are totally pointless. Fast forwarding... Bella's in her room talking to her mom on the phone when suddenly Edward sneaks in through the window. This startles Bella, who asks if he does that a lot.

“Well, just the past COUPLE OF MONTHS. I like watching you sleep.”

Bella starts screaming “STALKER! DADDY HELP!” at the top of her lungs- oh no wait, that's what a normal woman would do. No, instead Bella gets rather turned on by this as I don't think her mouth has closed for over a minute now.  Edward leans in to kiss her and they start making out FINALLY, but Edward starts getting caught up and throws... himself against the wall because he can't risk losing control around her for fear of killing her. We get another montage of them lying around talking and you can tell Catherine Hardwicke would desperately love to spin the camera around but Bella's bedroom is just too small for that. How is there forty minutes left of this?!

We go to another of the movie's more famous moments, as the Cullens play baseball set to Muse's “Supermassive Black Hole”. I guess I do have to admit this movie is at least MEMORABLE, which is more than I can say about a lot of the movies I'd reviewed.  Most of this movie is boring nonsense, but I'll never forget vampire baseball or Edward and Bella lying in a field for as long as I un-live. So really, they did accomplish SOME movie magic here no matter how bad everything else is.  Sadly our baseball montage comes to a close as the three killer vampires show up, in slow motion of course. They are James, Laurent, and Victoria who are civil with the Cullens at first until they discover Bella. And then the funniest scene in the entire movie breaks out as the vampires line up to fight West Side Story-style.

Carlisle is able to keep the peace though, James and his crew leaving as Edward drives Bella away. Edward tells Bella that he read James's mind and learned he won't rest until he's killed Bella because he “lives for the hunt”- and wait, I'm confused as to what's going on here. There's characters acting with a sense of urgency to DO something to stop an antagonist with a clear motivation of action- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TWILIGHT?! You can't pretend to be a movie now! You've missed that train!

Edward tells Bella the only way to stop James is to kill him, rip him apart, and burn the pieces. DAYMN! It's nighttime now so I really can't see Bella's face, but I'm pretty sure she's sitting there very turned on with her mouth wide open with all this hot, sexy talk.  They head back to Bella's, where they stage breaking up in front of Charlie so she can grab her stuff and get the hell out of Forks before James shows up. The music is trying to make us feel sad as Charlie tries to talk Bella into staying, but he's doing such a half-hearted effort it never ONCE sounds convincing because, well let's be honest here, it's Bella we're talking about here.

There are the whole ramifications of a father letting his seventeen year old daughter drive to Phoenix in the middle of the night, but Charlie's only the freaking chief of police! NO WAY he'd know any better! Bella drives heads to the Cullens, where they cook up a plan to get her safely away from James. They are aided by Laurent, who has broken away from his friends as he's sick and tired of James's mind games. Also, James never ONCE let him borrow his sweet ass denim jacket.

Alice and Jasper drive Bella to Phoenix while everyone else tries to plant a fake trail for James back in Forks. This doesn't work however, so he takes off for Phoenix. This causes Alice to have a vision of James in the ballet studio that Bella attended when she was a little girl.  The three stay in a hotel, Bella getting a call from her mother who is panicking. Then James comes on the line, saying he'll kill her mother unless Bella meets him at the studio alone. Bella EASILY gives Alice and Jasper the slip, which kind of defeats the purpose of Alice being able to see the future because she should have seen that but it is WAY too late in the game to think about logic now.

We've got a Big Dumb Ending to get to! Bella arrives at the studio where she finds out it was just a recording of her mother that she heard on the phone, James having stolen it from her house. Ha! That's pretty tricky for a story this stupid!  James takes the time to torture Bella, breaking her leg with like it was a bread stick. Luckily for her he takes FOREVER torturing her, so Edward is able to show up and save her. A very cheap looking fight scene breaks out, James taking the time to bite Bella on the arm. This just pisses off Edward more, so he's about to kill James by drinking his blood when the Cullens show up and stop him. What would have happened if Edward did that? Would James become a double vampire?

Carlisle talks his son down from his blood lust, telling him Bella needs him right now. Emmett and Jasper grab James while Alice RIPS HIS FREAKING OFF! GODDAMN this movie got violent all of a sudden!  Apparently when a vampire bites you the venom from its bite turns you into a vampire, they don't even have to drink most of your blood anymore. Carlisle warns Edward that Bella is about to change and he has to make a decision, to either let her become a vampire or suck the venom out. Carlisle won't do it because... uh... err... Edward needs to save Bella's life again so she'll SUPERLOVE him? I never could wrap my mind around this one, but this story fell apart such a long time ago it really doesn't matter I guess. This scene is also notable for Emmett and Jasper gleefully dismembering James in the background and throwing his body parts into the fire, having as much fun as kids playing with Nerf Guns. This entire ending is batshit insane!

So Edward grabs her arms and sucks the venom out as we get a crappy monochrome montage of the entire movie to make sure our torment is all the more real. Bella awakes in the hospital with her mom standing over her, the very first thing out of her mouth is “Where's Edward?!”.  We see he's asleep on a nearby couch, even though earlier he told Bella he never slept. I'm guessing he's just faking it so the benefit of Bella's parents though, so I'm letting that one slide. Her mother goes to get Charlie, Edward opening his eyes when after she leaves. He tells Bella he wants her to go to Jacksonville with her mother so he can't cause her anymore pain, and remember earlier when I said the near fight after vampire baseball was the funniest scene in the movie? I TOTES LIED! This movie keeps forcing me to say this, but what follows is the MOST HILARIOUSLY BAD acting ever captured in a Hollywood blockbuster not filmed by Michael Bay.

“What? N... are you s... no! NO! How... I don't even know what you're s ... how... Wh-wh-what are you talking about?! YOU WANT ME TO GO AWAY?! I-I CAN'T! NO I-I CAN'T! I CAN'T JUST LEAVE YOU! I-I-”

Edward's all “HOLY MOTHERFUCK! CHILL THE FUCK OUT!”. Then Bella turns this into the scariest horror movie of all time: “We can't be apart. You can't leave me.”. She delivers this line with such a disturbing quiet conviction she makes Hannibal Lecter and Heath Ledger's Joker look like total goofballs. Edward tries his best not to look horrified as he realizes the PURE HELL he just signed up for. Way to go buddy, you earned it.

Because this movie is bound and determined to never end, Edward takes Bella to prom. As Edward parks the car, Jacob pops out of the bushes to talk to her. He reveals his dad paid him to deliver a message: to break up with Edward. The vampire shows up to break up this little meeting as the two leads glare at each other with pure hate, but I'm sure this is just a one-off thing that won't EVER be played up again in any of the sequels.

As they slow dance, Bella tells Edward she wants him to make her a vampire so they can be together forever. He's all “OH HELL NO!” and Bella agrees to drop the issue... for now. They continue to dance as the camera pans out and we see Victoria watching them from afar, hatred etched on her face. So some character that was maybe on the screen for five minutes is going to be the next Big Bad? Lovely.

Cue the credits, set to Radiohead's “15 Step” in one of the most WTF-music cues ever that shattered the head of hipsters across the world. You want to see some angry freaking people, just read some forums discussing Radiohead agreeing to let Twilight use one of their tracks.

Well, that was a thing. Let's get the good out of the way first: they did a great job of adapting the book to the movie. In all fairness, this is among the more loyal adaptions ever done. BUUUUUUT when the book is beyond terrible, is that a good thing?  So many books are considered unfilmable because their story just won't translate properly to the screen, Twilight should have been on this list. Its nonexistent story works just fine in a book (your mileage may vary), but when you put it up on a screen it is just WRETCHED.

The acting is phenomenally bad, with a special shout out to Kristen Stewart, her head shaking, and whatever the hell was going on in that hospital scene at the end. Just think, Catherine Hardwicke actually USED that take. The movie looked cheap as hell, which it was, but movies with way lesser budgets still managed to not look like a soap opera.  Half this movie is Edward and Bella making googly eyes at each other, the rest is devoted to... nothing. And then there's a quick plot about a psycho villain in the last few minutes that ends in hyperviolence. I can't even talk about anything as there was nothing to talk about. None of the characters have ANY dimension to them, they're all just blank and flat as a piece of paper.

But hey, this is just the first movie. They had to establish the world and its inhabitants, so surely the rest of the movies will be able to spend all that time developing the characters right? R-right?

WRONG!