Tuesday, July 29, 2014

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Part 3)

Click here for Part 2!

Sam and Carly try to leave in the car Dylan gave her, but OF COURSE it's a Decepticon and ejects Sam from the car. Dylan goes full James Bond Villain on us as he reveal his company has been dealing with the Decepticons since 1972 which now makes me wonder why did it take them SO LONG to find Megatron if they've been in the thick of things on Earth for at least forty years now? You can't honestly tell me it took them that long to start hacking national databases for any information on their leader. It's almost like... NO ONE GAVE THIS A SINGLE FUCKING THOUGHT BECAUSE IT WASN'T BOOBS OR AN EXPLOSION.

And now A Ghoul Presents: a special look inside the Ehren Kruger writing process! “...Dylan's father began working for the Decepticons in 1972 blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda yadda no one cares... Carly Spencer steps into frame and she's looking SO FUCKING HOT! Her dress is tightly stretched across her lithe body as she walks in slow motion...”


Dylan puts a Decepticon watch on Sam, ordering him to go to Optimus and find out his plans or else Carly will die. The watch taps into Sam's nervous system so Dylan can observe everything he goes, strongly advising against trying to warn the Autobots.  Sentinel delivers a message to the governments of the world, that they are going to take resources from Earth until they have enough to rebuild Cybertron and then they will leave the humans in peace. However there's a catch: the Autobots must be exiled. The United States government immediately rolls over and agrees to this because if there's ONE thing Bay does get right about these movies, it's the actions of the government.

Sam meets with Charlotte, horrified at the news. He says the Autobots have no way of leaving the planet which is almost fine because he doesn't know about their ship but it does raise a bigger question: WHY do they need a ship? In the last movie Megatron flew straight to Saturn in his jetform, so why can’t the Autobots do that? And don't say it's because they're stuck with their car forms, these movies have established BOTH SIDES can change into whatever they want as long as they scan it.

Charlotte takes Sam to the Autobot ship, where we see it's under the supervision of Robert Epps from the first two movies. He's working with a group of Autobots called the Wreckers to get the ship fitted to carry all the Autobots off Earth, this scene notable for showing the Wreckers can transform into NASCAR cars which makes for some of the most logical product placement of Bay's career.  Simmons soon shows up, now in a wheelchair due to injuries he sustained in the Dread attack. He butts heads with Charlotte as we learn they once slept together. Uh oh, this might get wacky! How much do you want to bet they're excessively hostile towards each other before she finally gives in to his manliness and loses all her integrity in the process?

Sam goes to say goodbye to Optimus as his watch starts hurting him, so he gives in and asks his robotic friend what his plan is. You know, I could point out how the movie has set up numerous times that they have Decepticon Detectors everywhere so there's no way Sam's evil watch should have gotten away scot-free by now, but what's the fucking point?  Optimus is all “Fuck y'all, you're on your own. DEUCES!” and leaves to board the ship. Bumblebee says a soundbite filled goodbye, because after three movies they STILL can't fix his damn voice box. The ship launches early the next morning, and I have a very strong suspicion the Autobots AREN'T aboard it. Just to confirm this, Starscream flies by and blows up their ship, “killing everyone”. This is good enough for Sam's watch, so it detaches from his wrist and takes off.

The Decepticons begin setting up shop in Chicago, as Dutch is able to “hack into the camera on Dylan's phone” to find that's also where he's keeping Carly. It's funny how I can COMPLETELY believe giant alien robots in a movie but can't suspend my disbelief for hacking a cell phone. Epps and Sam head to Chicago to save Carly, Epps helping because the Autobots were his friends too. Aww, touching.

Dylan, who just can't keep his damn mouth shut, tells Carly the Decepticons are only after ONE resource on Earth: humans themselves. Sentinel plans to use the planet's population as slave labour to rebuild Cybertron and I'll be honest, I shut the movie off here for the rest of the day after this reveal. THAT'S their master plan? Make a bunch of weak ass humans rebuild a metallic world for thirty foot robots? Transformers would be a BILLION TIMES more effective at this, especially since they've identified at least 200 Decepticons on Earth this very moment.

Carly tells him they can't transport people because she's apparently now an expert in Space Bridges, but Dylan informs her the Decepticons are transporting Cybertron TO EARTH. OH MY FUCKING GOD! THIS IS ASTOUNDING! I have never seen a movie top it's stupidity with every line of dialogue like this one has, NEVER Yeah, they're just going to teleport Cybertron right above Earth because that's EXACTLY how physics works. This wouldn't cause worldwide ecological disasters that'd KILL all the Decepticons' precious slaves or anything.

By the way, the actor who plays Dylan fucking SUCKS. I looked him up and he's named Patrick Dempsey, mostly a television actor best known for the dreadful Grey's Anatomy, but whatever... he is beyond bad. I imagine he was just as bored as everyone else in this movie (except for Malkovich, Turturro, and McDormand who coincidentally are REAL actors), but his monotone line reading is the stuff of legend. Listening to him exchange forced dialogue with Rosie Huntington-White legally qualifies as verbal abuse in at least seventeen states.

He continues to tell Carly the details of Sentinel's plan with all the gusto of the script's first table read, telling us they're spreading pillars all across the globe right now that they'll launch into orbit to bring Cybertron into our atmosphere. Gravitational waves, what are those? He even HELPFULLY points out the control pillar so Carly will have all the information she needs to help save the day, which I thought was really polite of him. In a better movie they'd probably reveal Dylan was deceiving the Decepticons all along and was actually working with Optimus, but FUCK THAT NOISE. This is BAYFORMERS!

Sentinel orders Chicago sealed off as Bay goes back to well and gives us more “shot, black screen, shot” cut scenes of destruction for some unknown reason. I can only think the film's bank account was getting a little light at this point, and Bay has a VERY well earned rep for never going over budget, which honestly is something he doesn't get enough props for. Jesus, I just complimented Michael Bay. Moving on...

Bay takes the camera ground side as we get a lingering shot of a subway car full of burned human bodies because THAT'S TOTALLY necessary. Oddly graphic robot violence complete with bodily fluids wasn't enough, let's FINALLY start showing some horrible consequences of all these explosions. Also, if they want the humans for slaves why are they KILLING everyone? I understand having a long term memory in this series is a cardinal sin, but contradicting something we just heard like TWO MINUTES ago? Eh, fuck it, here's Decepticons gunning down humans in the streets! Epps and Sam gather a bunch of Epps's old NEST allies as they drive into Chicago, which I thought Sentinel had JUST ordered blocked off.

Bay slows things down and starts playing some really sad music as they roll into Chicago to witness all the blood chilling violence and carnage amidst piles of dead bodies just carelessly strewn in the streets. Things REALLY GET BAD as they drive on and see the death and destruction that was caused by the Decepticons.

Epps and his team come to their senses and realize how stupid their plan is after seeing the magnitude of the Decepticon's army, but Sam leaves them behind and goes in alone. Yeah, good luck trying to redeem yourself after the past hour and a half there of whining Sammy boy. Epps tries to talk him out of it when one of the Decepticon airships starts firing on them, causing everyone to scatter. The ship of course can't hit any of our heroes, but has NO ISSUES vaporizing a nearby crowd of innocent bystanders to their FUCKING SKELETONS. JESUS CHRIST, BAY!  You're making a Transformers movie, not fucking Nightmare On Elm Street!

One of the ship's finally gets the drop on Sam and Epps, about to kill them when it's shot down by a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE in a cloud of smoke. OH SHIT, WHO IS THIS GOING TO BE? I'm not sure if my heart will be able to handle the dramatic reveal of... ANTHONY ANDERSON!  No wait, it's just Optimus. My bad. He must have spent his off camera time watching Rambo movies, because his first line of dialogue is “We will kill them all.”. FUCK HEROISM, AMIRITE? The Wreckers pull up and brutally dismember the Decepticon pilot of the ship, because our heroes need to be as bloodthirsty as hum- uh, robotly possible now. We got REVENGE to gets to, after all.

Optimus rambles off his plan, which is a fucking DOOZY. The leaders of Earth had to learn firsthand the Decepticons would never leave the Earth alone, so the Autobots took a siesta and let their enemies casually murder hundreds and hundreds of innocent people while tearing up Chicago. Now THAT is the mark of a TRUE HERO. This movie, no this entire series, is just disgusting at this point.

I like how they include the Wreckers telling Sam how the Autobots staged their deaths, like film writer Ehren Kruger thought THAT was the only plot hole he needed to explain. I guess he was too focused on covering that to pay any attention to the next scene, where Optimus says the only chance they have of winning this battle is through the element of surprise. So the Decepticons have NO cameras or monitoring systems in the sky that would have detected the Autobots? Or what about the ship they just shot down? There's no communications grids whatsoever that would have detected something like that?

Bumblebee pilots the crashed ship to the Trump Tower, where Dutch is holding Carly. Sam gets out to rescue his girlfriend, taking her on board. Laserbeak flies after them in pursuit, but gets his head shot off by Bumblebee Aww, there goes the film's most efficient killer. Optimus is going to have to work his ASS off to catch up.

They land and meet up with Optimus and Epps. Epps finds a crashed military drone, getting in front of the camera and communicating back to the NEST headquarters in Washington. Carly gets on screen and tells NEST everything they need to know about destroying the control pillar because that wasn't telegraphed a mile away or anything. NEST begins to coordinate a strike of some sort as I notice Simmons is absolutely in charge now and Charlotte is listening to him like she's an assistant now. Come on Bay, you can do better than that... I'll be following this GRIPPING subplot closely.

Lennox gathers a team, determining the only way to get into Chicago is WINGSUIT in. Holy crap, we have a LOT of pieces in play here for the Biggest Dumbest Ending this side of... well, Revenge Of The Fallen. At this point in the series, it's not even worth pointing out how the gliding suits handle better than jetpacks.  The Autobots race through the streets as Shockwave and the Driller make their grand reintroduction. Lennox and his crew are instantly in Chicago, because that's only a few minute's flight away from Washington right? Starscream takes down their helicopters, so they dive out in the wingsuits and escape to safety in a crazy ass chase scene through the skies.

Epps and Sam's team tries to take out the control pillar from a building across the way, but end up in a shootout with a Decepticon through a building that defies the laws of ALL physics. This catches the attention of Shockwave, who sics Driller on the building. Optimus in a motherfucking JETPACK flies in to save the day, ripping Driller in half.  Sentinel orders the pillars to be launched, as we see Decepitcons all across the world sending them into the sky. There's that ticking clock we all know and love so much. Sam and Carly get separated from Epps during a firefight, finding themselves face to face with Starscream. Instead of just simply SHOOTING THEM and ending the movie, he decides to play with them because why wouldn't he do that? The Decepticon victory is SURELY at hand, nothing's going to come along and screw it all up. Have some fun Starscream!

His clowning thankfully gives Sam enough time to stab him through the eye with a bomb (an Autobot gave him the weapon earlier) and blow him up. The mighty Starscream taken out by Sam Witwicky, sigh... at least it wasn't Sam's mom that delivered the killing blow. Sam soon meets up with Lennox and his squad. Wow, Chicago sure is a small place! It seems you can literally run into anybody you know within a few minutes.

You know, there really isn't enough shit going on here right now. What are Wheelie and Brains doing? Oh good, they've jacked an airship and blown it into the bay of an even bigger airship. Are you getting a Phantom Menace vibe right now, because I certainly am. Sam's team then runs back into Epps's team, where they get their next mission objective: lower a bridge so they can cross the Chicago River to get to the building where the control pillar is. Elsewhere Sentinel has captured several Autobots, and it seems like all is going his way so he takes time to gloat instead of just killing them. SIGH FREAKING SIGH.

How doomed you are Autobots! You simply fail to understand that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”

ZOMG LOL ROFLCOPTER, that's just like what Leonard Nimoy said in Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan! HOW FUCKING CLEVER! I bet Kruger gave HIMSELF a high five for how witty and brilliant he was over that one.  NEST observes the plight of the soldiers in Chicago because Dutch was able to HACK into the security feeds in Chicago, so he HACKS into the bridge controls and lowers it for them. Ehren Kruger is a total HACK himself.