Sam
and Carly try to leave in the car Dylan gave her, but OF COURSE it's
a Decepticon and ejects Sam from the car. Dylan goes full James Bond
Villain on us as he reveal his company has been dealing with the
Decepticons since 1972 which now makes me wonder why did it take them
SO LONG to find Megatron if they've been in the thick of things on
Earth for at least forty years now? You can't honestly tell me it
took them that long to start hacking national databases for any
information on their leader. It's almost like... NO ONE GAVE THIS A
SINGLE FUCKING THOUGHT BECAUSE IT WASN'T BOOBS OR AN EXPLOSION.
And
now A Ghoul Presents:
a
special look inside the Ehren Kruger writing process! “...Dylan's
father began working for the Decepticons in 1972 blah blah blah yadda
yadda yadda yadda no one cares... Carly Spencer steps into frame and
she's looking SO FUCKING HOT! Her dress is tightly stretched across
her lithe body as she walks in slow motion...”
Dylan
puts a Decepticon watch on Sam, ordering him to go to Optimus and
find out his plans or else Carly will die. The watch taps into Sam's
nervous system so Dylan can observe everything he goes, strongly
advising against trying to warn the Autobots. Sentinel
delivers a message to the governments of the world, that they are
going to take resources from Earth until they have enough to rebuild
Cybertron and then they will leave the humans in peace. However
there's a catch: the Autobots must be exiled. The United States
government immediately rolls over and agrees to this because if
there's ONE thing Bay does get right about these movies, it's the
actions of the government.
Sam
meets with Charlotte, horrified at the news. He says the Autobots
have no way of leaving the planet which is almost fine because he
doesn't know about their ship but it does raise a bigger question:
WHY do they need a ship? In the last movie Megatron flew straight to
Saturn in his jetform, so why can’t the Autobots do that? And don't
say it's because they're stuck with their car forms, these movies
have established BOTH SIDES can change into whatever they want as
long as they scan it.
Charlotte
takes Sam to the Autobot ship, where we see it's under the
supervision of Robert Epps from the first two movies. He's working
with a group of Autobots called the Wreckers to get the ship fitted
to carry all the Autobots off Earth, this scene notable for showing
the Wreckers can transform into NASCAR cars which makes for some of
the most logical product placement of Bay's career. Simmons
soon shows up, now in a wheelchair due to injuries he sustained in
the Dread attack. He butts heads with Charlotte as we learn they once
slept together. Uh oh, this might get wacky! How much do you want to
bet they're excessively hostile towards each other before she finally
gives in to his manliness and loses all her integrity in the process?
Sam
goes to say goodbye to Optimus as his watch starts hurting him, so he
gives in and asks his robotic friend what his plan is. You know, I
could point out how the movie has set up numerous times that they
have Decepticon Detectors everywhere so there's no way Sam's evil
watch should have gotten away scot-free by now, but what's the
fucking point? Optimus
is all “Fuck y'all, you're on your own. DEUCES!” and leaves to
board the ship. Bumblebee says a soundbite filled goodbye, because
after three movies they STILL can't fix his damn voice box. The ship
launches early the next morning, and I have a very strong suspicion
the Autobots AREN'T aboard it. Just to confirm this, Starscream flies
by and blows up their ship, “killing everyone”. This is good
enough for Sam's watch, so it detaches from his wrist and takes off.
The
Decepticons begin setting up shop in Chicago, as Dutch is able to
“hack into the camera on Dylan's phone” to find that's also where
he's keeping Carly. It's funny how I can COMPLETELY believe giant
alien robots in a movie but can't suspend my disbelief for hacking a
cell phone. Epps and Sam head to Chicago to save Carly, Epps helping
because the Autobots were his friends too. Aww, touching.
Dylan,
who just can't keep his damn mouth shut, tells Carly the Decepticons
are only after ONE resource on Earth: humans themselves. Sentinel
plans to use the planet's population as slave labour to rebuild
Cybertron and I'll be honest, I shut the movie off here for the rest
of the day after this reveal. THAT'S their master plan? Make a bunch of
weak ass humans rebuild a metallic world for thirty foot robots?
Transformers would be a BILLION TIMES more effective at this,
especially since they've identified at least 200 Decepticons on Earth
this very moment.
Carly
tells him they can't transport people because she's apparently now an
expert in Space Bridges, but Dylan informs her the Decepticons are
transporting Cybertron TO EARTH. OH MY FUCKING GOD! THIS IS
ASTOUNDING! I have never seen a movie top it's stupidity with every
line of dialogue like this one has, NEVER Yeah, they're just going to
teleport Cybertron right above Earth because that's EXACTLY how
physics works. This wouldn't cause worldwide ecological disasters
that'd KILL all the Decepticons' precious slaves or anything.
By
the way, the actor who plays Dylan fucking SUCKS. I looked him up and
he's named Patrick Dempsey, mostly a television actor best known for
the dreadful Grey's Anatomy, but whatever... he is beyond bad.
I imagine he was just as bored as everyone else in this movie (except
for Malkovich, Turturro, and McDormand who coincidentally are REAL
actors), but his monotone line reading is the stuff of legend.
Listening to him exchange forced dialogue with Rosie Huntington-White
legally qualifies as verbal abuse in at least seventeen states.
He
continues to tell Carly the details of Sentinel's plan with all the
gusto of the script's first table read, telling us they're spreading
pillars all across the globe right now that they'll launch into orbit
to bring Cybertron into our atmosphere. Gravitational waves, what are
those? He even HELPFULLY points out the control pillar so Carly will
have all the information she needs to help save the day, which I
thought was really polite of him. In a better movie they'd probably
reveal Dylan was deceiving the Decepticons all along and was actually
working with Optimus, but FUCK THAT NOISE. This is BAYFORMERS!
Sentinel
orders Chicago sealed off as Bay goes back to well and gives us more
“shot, black screen, shot” cut scenes of destruction for some
unknown reason. I can only think the film's bank account was getting
a little light at this point, and Bay has a VERY well earned rep for
never going over budget, which honestly is something he doesn't get
enough props for. Jesus, I just complimented Michael Bay. Moving
on...
Bay
takes the camera ground side as we get a lingering shot of a subway
car full of burned human bodies because THAT'S TOTALLY necessary.
Oddly graphic robot violence complete with bodily fluids wasn't
enough, let's FINALLY start showing some horrible consequences of all
these explosions. Also, if they want the humans for slaves why are
they KILLING everyone? I understand having a long term memory in this
series is a cardinal sin, but contradicting something we just heard
like TWO MINUTES ago? Eh, fuck it, here's Decepticons gunning down
humans in the streets! Epps and Sam gather a bunch of Epps's old NEST
allies as they drive into Chicago, which I thought Sentinel had JUST
ordered blocked off.
Bay
slows things down and starts playing some really sad music as they
roll into Chicago to witness all the blood chilling violence and
carnage amidst piles of dead bodies just carelessly strewn in the
streets. Things REALLY GET BAD as they drive on and see the death and
destruction that was caused by the Decepticons.
Epps
and his team come to their senses and realize how stupid their plan
is after seeing the magnitude of the Decepticon's army, but Sam
leaves them behind and goes in alone. Yeah, good luck trying to
redeem yourself after the past hour and a half there of whining Sammy
boy. Epps tries to talk him out of it when one of the Decepticon
airships starts firing on them, causing everyone to scatter. The ship
of course can't hit any of our heroes, but has NO ISSUES vaporizing a
nearby crowd of innocent bystanders to their FUCKING SKELETONS.
JESUS
CHRIST, BAY! You're making a Transformers movie, not fucking
Nightmare On Elm Street!
One
of the ship's finally gets the drop on Sam and Epps, about to kill
them when it's shot down by a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE in a cloud of smoke.
OH SHIT, WHO IS THIS GOING TO BE? I'm not sure if my heart will be
able to handle the dramatic reveal of... ANTHONY ANDERSON! No
wait, it's just Optimus. My bad. He must have spent his off camera
time watching Rambo movies, because his first line of dialogue is “We
will kill them all.”. FUCK HEROISM, AMIRITE? The Wreckers pull up
and brutally dismember the Decepticon pilot of the ship, because our
heroes need to be as bloodthirsty as hum- uh, robotly possible now.
We got REVENGE to gets to, after all.
Optimus
rambles off his plan, which is a fucking DOOZY. The leaders of Earth
had to learn firsthand the Decepticons would never leave the Earth
alone, so the Autobots took a siesta and let their enemies casually
murder hundreds and hundreds of innocent people while tearing up
Chicago. Now THAT is the mark of a TRUE HERO. This movie, no this
entire series, is just disgusting at this point.
I
like how they include the Wreckers telling Sam how the Autobots
staged their deaths, like film writer Ehren Kruger thought THAT was
the only plot hole he needed to explain. I guess he was too focused
on covering that to pay any attention to the next scene, where
Optimus says the only chance they have of winning this battle is
through the element of surprise. So the Decepticons have NO cameras
or monitoring systems in the sky that would have detected the
Autobots? Or what about the ship they just shot down? There's no
communications grids whatsoever that would have detected something
like that?
Bumblebee
pilots the crashed ship to the Trump Tower, where Dutch is holding
Carly. Sam gets out to rescue his girlfriend, taking her on board.
Laserbeak flies after them in pursuit, but gets his head shot off by
Bumblebee Aww, there goes the film's most efficient killer. Optimus
is going to have to work his ASS off to catch up.
They
land and meet up with Optimus and Epps. Epps finds a crashed military
drone, getting in front of the camera and communicating back to the
NEST headquarters in Washington. Carly gets on screen and tells NEST
everything they need to know about destroying the control pillar
because that wasn't telegraphed a mile away or anything. NEST begins
to coordinate a strike of some sort as I notice Simmons is absolutely
in charge now and Charlotte is listening to him like she's an
assistant now. Come on Bay, you can do better than that... I'll be
following this GRIPPING subplot closely.
Lennox
gathers a team, determining the only way to get into Chicago is
WINGSUIT in. Holy crap, we have a LOT of pieces in play here for the
Biggest Dumbest Ending this side of... well, Revenge
Of The Fallen.
At
this point in the series, it's not even worth pointing out how
the gliding suits handle better than jetpacks. The
Autobots race through the streets as Shockwave and the Driller make
their grand reintroduction. Lennox and his crew are instantly in
Chicago, because that's only a few minute's flight away from
Washington right? Starscream takes down their helicopters, so they
dive out in the wingsuits and escape to safety in a crazy ass chase
scene through the skies.
Epps
and Sam's team tries to take out the control pillar from a building
across the way, but end up in a shootout with a Decepticon through a
building that defies the laws of ALL physics. This catches the
attention of Shockwave, who sics Driller on the building. Optimus in
a motherfucking JETPACK flies in to save the day, ripping Driller in
half. Sentinel
orders the pillars to be launched, as we see Decepitcons all across
the world sending them into the sky. There's that ticking clock we
all know and love so much. Sam and Carly get separated from Epps
during a firefight, finding themselves face to face with Starscream.
Instead of just simply SHOOTING THEM and ending the movie, he decides
to play with them because why wouldn't he do that? The Decepticon
victory is SURELY at hand, nothing's going to come along and screw it
all up. Have some fun Starscream!
His
clowning thankfully gives Sam enough time to stab him through the eye
with a bomb (an Autobot gave him the weapon earlier) and blow him up.
The mighty Starscream taken out by Sam Witwicky, sigh... at least it
wasn't Sam's mom that delivered the killing blow. Sam soon meets up
with Lennox and his squad. Wow, Chicago sure is a small place! It
seems you can literally run into anybody you know within a few
minutes.
You
know, there really isn't enough shit going on here right now. What
are Wheelie and Brains doing? Oh good, they've jacked an airship and
blown it into the bay of an even bigger airship. Are you getting a
Phantom Menace vibe right now, because I certainly am. Sam's
team then runs back into Epps's team, where they get their next
mission objective: lower a bridge so they can cross the Chicago River
to get to the building where the control pillar is. Elsewhere
Sentinel has captured several Autobots, and it seems like all is
going his way so he takes time to gloat instead of just killing them.
SIGH FREAKING SIGH.
“How
doomed you are Autobots! You simply fail to understand that the needs
of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
ZOMG
LOL ROFLCOPTER, that's just like what Leonard Nimoy said in Star
Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan!
HOW FUCKING CLEVER! I bet Kruger gave HIMSELF a high five for how
witty and brilliant he was over that one. NEST
observes the plight of the soldiers in Chicago because Dutch was able
to HACK into the security feeds in Chicago, so he HACKS into the
bridge controls and lowers it for them. Ehren Kruger is a total HACK
himself.
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