The people who
helped this film earn almost $700 million dollars set the human race
back at least three decades, but I'm going to say five for good
measure. No, you want a summary? Alright here it is: remember at the
end of New Moon when Bella chose Edward over Jacob? Well, she
didn't SUPERCHOOSE Edward because she spent the entirety of Eclipse
doing it again. The end. They mixed in a whole bunch of boring
nonsense about Bella marrying Edward so he'll make her a zzzZZZzzz...
I fell asleep just thinking about it.
To their credit,
they DID resolve the epic Victoria saga that was a whopping THREE
FILMS IN THE MAKING. Oh you remember the legendary Victoria saga,
don't you? Who can forget her memorable debut in the first movie
where she was on screen for about five minutes and said I think three
lines? How about the second movie, where she ran from some werewolves
for a quick music video? This was so worth the well crafted payoff of
the last movie, where she put in nearly TEN MINUTES of screen time
before getting her head torn off. Hmm...
doesn't sound as compelling when you actually type it all out.
Summit
Entertainment knew they were going to need someone of an A-level
talent to direct Breaking Dawn,
due to the fact was considered “unfilmable” by many AND because
it was going to have to be split into two movies. They ended up
choosing Rob Condon, who has done a lot of very smart movies I've
never seen. As
well as the sequel to Candyman,
starring the patron saint of “A
Ghoul Versus...”,
Mr. Tony Todd! It's all come to
this: Breaking Dawn, a story SO full of rampant lunacy that it
had to be split into two movies to contain the crazy. Sit down and
BUCKLE THE HELL UP, this is going to get fucking WEIRD. I give you A
Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1!
(Note: this review
will be for the Extended Version of the film, which exists because
this story IS SO LAYERED they couldn't tell all of it in five hours!)
The movie starts
off with my main man Aro, making this INSTANTLY the best opening of
any of these films so far. He's gotten an invitation to Edward and
Bella's wedding, which just delights him to no end. Wait, why is the
camera pulling away? No! Don't leave me Aro! Well dammit. And
look, there's Bella is narrating a bunch of nonsense. No one cares...
preparations are underway for the wedding... no one cares... Edward
reveals to Bella he was the Dexter of the early 20th
Century: a killer who only preyed other killers. Just like Rosalie's
Vampire Bride story from Eclipse,
we only get a brief glimpse of this via flashbacks and sadly not the
full two hour movie like it should have been.
We are now forced
to sit through an ETERNITY of wedding stuff designed to be as tear
jerking and manipulative as possible. I'm not sure I've taken my
finger off the fast-forward button for at least a minute at this
point. Oh
hai again Stephenie Meyer! This wedding crap is so boring I start
wondering if she had a cameo in all of the movies, but that would
require researching them and I don't EVER want to be reminded of
their existence.
They get married
and SHOCKINGLY they don't do the “if anyone objects to this
marriage” scene with Jacob bursting in to profess his love for
Bella, so I have to actually give the movie points for that one.
After the wedding things get a bit interesting as we meet Irina, a
vampire who was Laurent's girlfriend played by a glaringly out of
place Maggie Grace. She doesn't buy the story that Laurent was trying
to kill Bella and leaves in a huff, but it's more likely she spotted
some Albanian kidnappers out of the corner of her eye and wanted to
GTFO.
Jacob does show up
though, doing his best to be civil but that all goes out the window
when he learns Bella plans to have sex with Edward on her honeymoon
while she's still human. He throws one of his patented hissy fits,
the rest of the Shirtless showing up to drag him away. Edward and Bella
head off for said honeymoon, which is on “Isle Esme” off the
coast of Rio de Janeiro. The honeymoon also goes on FOREVER and I am
really regretting my decision to watch the Extended Edition because
I'm sure it would have cut some of this short. Ha
hah, just kidding! All the wedding/honeymoon torture is full intact
in the theatrical cut! No, they thought it'd be a good idea to cut
the opening scene because Aro is TOO AWESOME FOR TWILIGHT!
So they have sex
and Bella sadly doesn't get ripped in half. The next morning is a
hilarious scene though where Bella is examining all the bruises on
her body as Edward walks up to her. He says “Bella, I can't tell
you how sorry I am.” and then he just WALKS OFF! “LOL” as the
kids like to say, that is something straight out of Airplane
or the Naked Gun. There is NO REASON
WHATSOEVER this had to be two movies. We are almost fifty minutes in
and virtually everything that's happened could have been cut. I know,
I know they have to show this because it's the payoff for the LARGER
THAN LIFE epic love story of Bella and Edward... but I think I've
already covered why that's not really a thing.
Even getting past
how they have never had a single reason to love each other besides
lust, the past two movies most of their time together has been spent
in circular arguments about Bella becoming a vampire or marrying
Edward. We've never seen them DO anything together, they have no
mutual interests besides staring into each others' eyes and uh...
err... ahh... did I mention staring into each others' eyes? But now the REAL
fun begins as one morning Bella announces she wants to... deep breath
here... HOLD OFF ON BECOMING A VAMPIRE BECAUSE SHE'S HAVING SO MUCH
FUN HAVING SEX.
NO. No no no no
no. You do NOT get to do that to me movie. You did NOT just waste
FOUR HOURS OF MY TIME with the previous two movies, two of the most
inane and pointless stories of all time, two movies that literally
amounted to Bella begging and bitching and whining to become a
vampire; to do THIS to me. FUCK MY LIFE,
they're committing to this. Edward just kind of looks at Bella, and I
am PRAYING he rips her throat out for the hell she's put all of us
through the last two movies. He doesn't, despite me SCREAMING at the
television screen to kill her.
“Look, I can't
understand you at all.”
“Look, I did not know how good being human
could be.”
Stephenie Meyer is
either A) the worst author of the past few decades or B) trolling the
human race with the most elaborate hoax outside of the Joaquin
Phoenix becoming a rapper. I like to believe after seeing positive
fan reaction to the bullshit in her first books, she wrote the rest
of the series as a joke just to see what kind of idiots would like
it.
This has to be a
parody of an 18 year old woman starting to realize that maybe high
school isn't the entire world. This is even set up in the last film
when Rosalie basically tells Bella she's a stupid child who's too
young to know what she'll want out of life in the future. Ahh
Rosalie, I really wish you were in these movies more. Unfortunately
she's not, and I have to keep on going. Oh hey, Bella just realized
she's pregnant. The next few
scenes are PURE padding to stretch this into two movies as we get
GRIPPING SCENES of Bella letting it sink into her empty skull that
she just got KNOCKED UP BY A VAMPIRE. We get:
Bella standing
around her bedroom with her mouth open.
Bella sitting in
the car with her mouth open while Edward has their things loaded onto
the plane.
There's been a
minor subplot brewing about Jacob planning to kill Edward when he
gets back from his honeymoon, as he assumes he'll have turned Bella
into a vampire. When he gets word they've returned, he storms into
the Cullen house with murder on his mind but finds only a severely
pregnant Bella. Through a series
of quick arguments, it's quickly established everyone except for
Bella and Rosalie want to terminate the fetus. This also marks the
death of Rosalie being the best character in Twilight (which
is probably the equivalent of having the LEAST amount of brain tumors
in the cancer ward), as she is now reduced to Bella's sidekick in
order to protect the baby. This is almost a bit of clever writing
because in the last film she talked about the loss of her humanity
meant no longer being able to have children, but this is Stephenie
Meyer we're talking about here so FUCK THAT.
Edward asks Jacob
to try to change Bella's mind, as he has a “connection with her
that he'll never understand”. What's not to get Edward? Jacob wants
to NAIL YOUR WIFE and will say or do anything to achieve that! Jacob goes to talk
to Bella about the baby, but they end up having a debate over who is
the worse actor. Seeing they're locked in a brutal stalemate, Jacob
stomps out and transforms into a CGI wolf that still looks horrible
despite this film having a budget of almost TWICE the last movie.
What follows is another Twilight
contribution to the “Funniest Scenes of All Time” highlight reel
as he gathers all his other wolf buddies for a meeting where they all
yell via some of the worst echo-y voice overs I've ever heard. EVER.
Like ALL TIME. Picture the worst 1980s cartoon voice cast you can
think of. Got one?
Good. This scene
makes that sound like freaking Beauty And The Beast. I can't
hear a word they're saying over how hard I'm laughing right now, this
shit is career destroying. Sam and the wolves plan to kill all the
Cullens to end this bullshit once for all, but Jacob really likes his
Twilight paychecks so he runs off to warn them. Seth
Clearwater, the youngest member of the Shirtless, joins him for
reasons the film doesn't care enough to explain.
Oh, Seth's sister
Leah joins too so we can have a TOTALLY NOT FILLER scene of her
talking with Jacob about her relationship issues. Yeah, WE SO CARE
Leah! Good God, Eclipse cut almost all of the Shirtless
bullshit because it was boring as all hell, but no, let's put ALL of
it back in for the fourth movie. Non-hardcore fans will surely be
interested in all these completely unestablished people getting
unusual amounts of screen time, right? Right?!?
Would you look at
the time? A few minutes have gone by already and since this is a
Twilight movie that must mean it's time for another WTF Scene. Esme
asks Rosalie to get Jacob some food, so she makes him a hotdog that she
puts into a dog food bowl after carving “Fido” into the side. He takes a bite
and then throws the bowl at her head, which sends Edward and Emmett
into fits of laughter. Rosalie looks at the camera and screeches out
“You... Got... FOOD!... In... My... Hair!” with all the passion
of an actress who knows she's probably doomed to Direct-To-Video Hell
for the rest of her career.
Phew, thank the
Lord we had such a funny scene amidst Bella's baby slowly killing her
and a pack of werewolves about to break in and kill everyone. That
REALLY sets the tone for such a tense situation, I'm SUPER invested
now! Later Edward goes on Yahoo- wait, seriously? Yahoo?! Is that
still around? Edward goes on
Yahoo (snicker) to do an image search on vampire babies in a scene
even funnier than the last one. In fact, it's so funny I'll let
Robert Pattinson HIMSELF describe it to you:
“They
look on Google Images. That was one of the funniest scenes I've ever
had to do in my life. It's like... really? We're all 300 year old
geniuses and we just go on... it's like “Vampire Baby” on Google
Images. Yeah that was our research into it... it's like “I can't
find anything!”
Remember
kids, Robert Pattinson hates Twilight
more
than you do. Don't believe me? Check out this next scene. Carlisle
tells Bella the baby is killing her and she IS going to die in the
attempt of trying to give birth. Edward mumbles out how he can't live
without her and turns away and LOOK AT HIS FACE. HE IS SMILING! You
know what that means? Robert Pattinson kept cracking up every time he
had to say a line so ridiculous, and they were forced to use this
take because it was the most toned down one. The movies are almost
enjoyable if you look at them from the perspective of Pattinson
overacting every single scene just to see if he can get away with-
never mind, these movies aren't enjoyable under any circumstances.
Bella pleads with Edward to love their baby after she's gone, but
he's all “Fuck that noise! That vampire baby is a monster!”. He
even YELLS at Bella which made me fall out of my chair with shock. I
literally didn't think vampires were capable of any emotion besides
monotone.
I
will give the movie a point for the next scene, because this whole
time Bella's almost been portrayed as a sympathetic character with
everyone wanting to kill her baby. They quickly fix that by having
her tell Jake “it feels complete when you're here” right in front
of Edward, just in case we all forgot what a manipulative and
self-centered bitch she is. Everyone
comes to the conclusion the baby is thirsty, so we get a lovely scene
of Bella drinking human blood. Can you imagine how future generations
are going to judge us for these movies? I wonder what kind of words
they'll use to describe us? I bet they'll have to INVENT new ones,
like “platypusfuckcrazy”. Even better, Bella starts GETTING OFF
ON IT. Fast forwarding NOW.
We
can't have Edward and Bella being at odds though because a conflict
would create some sort of movie, so Edward begins to sense the
thoughts of the baby and switches sides to Team Vampire Baby. This
spurs Jake to make some kind of deal with the Shirtless that he'll
kill the baby or something, I don't really know or care. It's
probably all some kind of clever double cross, but Taylor Lautner's
acting is SO bad in this movie I can't concentrate on anything he
says.
It's
immediately revealed to be a double cross, as he just met with the
Shirtless to distract them so the Cullens could go get some more
blood for Bella. Wasn't that anticlimactic as shit. Jacobs heads back
to the house so Bella can share the names she's picked out for her
demon spawn with him. Edward Jacob if it's a boy, Renesmee if it's a
girl. If you EVER meet a person with either of those names, PLEASE
don't make fun of them. Just think of the suffering they'll have to
endure for the rest of their lives with the kind of parents they must
have.
Things
go to hell as Bella begins going into labour pains, and OH MY GOD do
things get fucked up. The baby kicks and breaks her spine, so they
have to perform a C-Section to get the baby out. However scalpels
don't work on her vampire womb so Edward FUCKING CHEWS IT OPEN WITH
HIS FANGS. He rips the baby out of her, Bella getting to briefly hold
her newborn daughter before she succumbs to her severe injuries AND
FREAKING DIES! FUCK YEAH!
Please
Cue the credits, cue the credits- dammit it's still going. Edward
grabs a syringe full of his “venom” and injects it directly into
Bella's heart. I'm no doctor or anything, but wouldn't CHEWING
THROUGH HER FUCKING WOMB qualify as biting her? Edward starts giving
her CPR to no avail, so he starts just RANDOMLY BITING ALL OVER HER
CORPSE! Jesus Mary and Joseph what am I watching?!?
Jacob
doesn't kill Edward, saying he deserves to live with this pain
forever. He DOES decide to go kill Renesmee because after what we
just saw even murdering a baby doesn't seem that bad. It's worth
noting they didn't use a real baby for this, but instead a dummy with
a SATANIC CGI FACE that will haunt your dreams til the day you die. Unfortunately,
this IS Twilight
and
killing a baby in cold blood isn't good enough for this franchise so
as Jacob lays eyes on Satan he FUCKING IMPRINTS ON HER.
Yes,
you absolutely and unequivocally read that right. Jacob Black
instantly falls head over heels in love with a BABY. I don't... I
can't... I... You can't even call this wrong as much as you're forced
to question your sanity that you actually just saw that happen.
Millions of people love these stories though, maybe it's just me
though? Am I the asshole here? Hold on, I'm not the one who just
wrote a scene with a guy falling in love with a baby.
Edward
senses the wolves coming, so he leaves Bella's side to go deal with
them. On the way outside he catches Jacobs thoughts that he wants to
FUCK HIS INFANT DAUGHTER so he breaks his arm and kicks the shit out
of him. Edward,
Alice, and Jasper walk outside to face the wolfpack and an
incomprehensible shaky cam battle with crap lighting breaks out. The
rest of the Cullens show up to even the odds, aided by Seth and Leah.
Maybe.
I guess. I can't tell who is hitting who, did Michael Bay direct
this?
Jacob
runs out to smooth everything over as we learn whoever a wolf
imprints on can't be harmed, as it's their “most absolute law”.
That was a nice little eleventh hour ass pull there, Mrs. Meyer!
That's almost a happy ending however, so they have to go and fuck it
up by having Bella come back to, well not life, but whatever the hell
vampires are in the Twilight universe. Her
eyes pop open as the credits begin to roll, The Joy Formidable's
“Endtapes” playing
us out.
VAMPIRE
BABY. I mean whatever, vampires being able to have sex has long since
been established in much better works than this so I'm not arguing
about that. But
vampires being able to knock up humans? That is so- oh for fuck's
sake, there's a stinger in this movie too? We're back in Italy WITH
ARO so I totally forgive the fact this movie still isn't over yet.
The Volturi get a letter from Carlisle informing them he has added a
new member to his coven, which the other two declare finally ends
their beef with him. Aro disagrees, as he declares they still has
something he wants.
Cue
the credits FOR REAL, set to Bruno Mars's “It
Will Rain”.
I'm
not very good at the maths, but I'm fairly certain someone with a
keen mind could actually devise a mathematical formula to prove how
everyone of these movies has gotten at least TWICE as worst as the
last one. If they keep this up pretty soon they're going to create
some kind of antimatter equation that will end all life in this
dimension.
This
is a movie I felt ashamed to watch, as if I'd read the diary of a
horribly disturbed mental patient and learned more than I ever wanted
to know. Did you know Twilight was inspired by a dream Stephenie
Meyer had where a girl met a really hot guy who turned out to be a
vampire? Did you know there was no back story for the first book
until she was nearly finished writing it? Did you know she'd never
written a thing in her life before writing Twilight?
Better
yet, did you know in the Breaking Dawn book Bella vomited up a
“fountain of blood”? I feel robbed we didn't get to see that,
because I think a fountain of blood would have really been the icing
on the cake that is this travesty. This...
this was interesting. As always, good stuff first. With the exception
of the CGI wolves still looking like shit, this is the first Twilight
film to actually LOOK LIKE a movie.
The first three movies were as flashy as a soap opera, but this one
did have a cinematic feel to it. There was nothing going on in
cinematic fashion, but if it had at least it would have had a good
backdrop to do it in.
This
also has the honour of being the least offensive Twilight movie, well
until Jacob fell in love with a FREAKING BABY. I know, imprinting
means he's not sexually attracted to her until she's older but
still... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. The horrifying implications of all of
this notwithstanding, I DEFY YOU to find a bigger cop out in all of
fiction than this.
Two
movies (and the opening of this one) were dedicated to the most
painful love triangle ever caught on film outside of bondage porn.
Despite Bella constantly telling Jacob she chose Edward... even
though she kept giving Jacob hope and made out with him AFTER getting
engaged... stay on task Ghoul, stay on task! Despite Bella constantly
telling Jacob she chose Edward, teen wolf never gave up and kept
pressing on to win her over.
Stephenie
Meyer painted herself into a corner because she couldn't have poor
Jacob end up alone... even though in the books she spent a lot of
time setting it up for Jacob and Leah to hook up. But this was all a
swerve so we could be totally blindsided by the imprinting, which did
work but who out there was really expecting a man to fall in love
with a BABY? Brushing
THAT aside, this was actually very tame for a Twilight
movie. It probably helps the first
hour is dedicated to Edward and Bella getting married with very
little dialogue, minimizing any chances for any horrible sexism,
codependency, or pro-sexual assault messages.
That's
really all there is to say, Taylor Lautner REALLY highlights how the
acting in these movies continues to devolve, there is almost no plot
to speak of, and this was SOOOOOO boring because it's almost all
padding. Since it's a split movie it's virtually all setup for the
second half, which I'm SURE will be awesome and TOTALLY justify the
existence of this movie.
Spoilers: it doesn't.
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