Beautiful
Creatures is yet another movie based
off a Young Adult book series, and yet another one that bombed
despite the books having a rather large fanbase just like previous
movies I've already looked at such as The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones or Vampire Academy.
So how is it
movies like these consistently bomb whereas ones like The
Hunger Games or The
Fault In Our Stars make ALL the
money? People often like to point out it's due to how loyal the
movies are to the books, the more they change it the more it's going
to drive fans away which is true to a point BUT the aforementioned
titles haven't made nearly two billion dollars JUST BECAUSE of the
book fans. Others like to say that they didn't advertise the movies
enough, because a huge marketing campaign can make ANY movie a
blockbuster. Yeah,
no. After Earth
disproved that theory, as it had $100 million spent on advertising,
which is more than they SPENT making the first Hunger Games movie.
In my opinion it
comes down to one simple thing: quality. It's not ALWAYS an indicator
of success, but it sure as hell doesn't hurt. People aren't as stupid
as Hollywood likes to paint them, they see a trailer for these films
and can often tell they're just a cash grab to capitalize off The
Twilight Saga's falling star. Does
Beautiful Creatures
fall into the same category, or was this a labour of love that
couldn't find its audience? Let's find out with A
Ghoul Versus Beautiful Creatures!
The film opens
with NARRATION. MOTHER OF GOD, is there NO other device to open a
movie anymore? Seriously, narration is the ONLY option we have
available now? Oh, but it gets even better as our narrator has a
GODAWFUL Southern accent. Holy shit, what else can this movie do to
turn me against it in less than a minute?
Open up with a
dream the main character is having? GENIUS! If they can't find a way
to throw in some jump scares and lens flares, I'm calling this whole
movie a disaster. Our yokel of a narrator is trying to reach an
unknown woman in his dream but he dies before he can get to her,
getting shot by a ghost in a Civil War outfit. He's been having this
nightmare for months now, and it is ruining his sleep schedule.
The yokel, Ethan
Wate, wakes up from his dream as I begin praying fervently he's not
the star of this thing because I WILL tear my ears off if I have to
keep hearing his accent. We see he's surrounded by books such as Kurt
Vonnegut's “Slaughterhouse Five”
and Henry Miller's “Tropic Of
Cancer” to show us he's REALLY
smart and intellectual even though he sounds like a redneck that
cooks meth in his garage. He's an artist too, just so they can REALLY
hammer in that he's “deep”. Character's
passion for a book a substitute for ACTUAL characterization cliché,
check and check!
As Ethan goes for
a midnight run, he narrates about his life growing up in Gatlin,
South Carolina as the horrifying realization he IS our hero begins to
sink in and I turn on the subtitles and mute this abomination of the
English language. Unfortunately it seems young Ethan has a love
affair with his unfortunate voice as he will NOT shut up. He hates
his small town life and wants to move far away to somewhere exciting,
which is in NO WAY the most cliched plot in history. We are just off
to a BANG UP start with this thing! His run takes him through an old
Civil War field called Greenbrier, where he finds a locket lying on
the ground.
Ethan lives in a
house with his father, a recluse who has never gotten over the death
of his wife. Really? We're going there too? Ethan has a son/mother
relationship with their housekeeper Amma... who is black... sigh. At
least she's not FULL OF SASS, so they had SOME restraint here. I
wonder what the odds are Amma turns out to be a magical guardian
placed here to watch Ethan until his powers start manifesting
themselves or whatever is going to happen?
We next meet
Ethan's best friend Link, who lives with his HYPER religious mother
because it's the South and if there wasn't a character like that we'd
feel cheated. Link drives Ethan to school as they discuss a new girl
that's starting school because this is a small town and that kind of
stuff is front page news. I am EXHAUSTED from all these cliches
already and barely five minutes have passed.
The new girl is
the niece of “Old Man Ravenwood”, which is a REALLY BIG DEAL
because he's a rich recluse who basically owns the entire town. Woof,
the cliches are FLYING up in here! At school, Ethan talks to a girl
named Emily- hmm. Hold on a second... where do I know that face
from?
Oh fucking
WONDERFUL. Zoey Deutch of Vampire Academy fame is here to
entertain us not only with her lousy acting, but her lousing acting
with an AWFUL SOUTHERN ACCENT! What have I do to deserve this?! Emily
is Ethan's clingy ex-girlfriend that won't let him go, but he doesn't
exactly seem to be discouraging her much either as he agrees to go
see a movie with her. Did I mention her accent is really bad? This
movie already feels like it's been going for an hour so my memory is
starting to fog over already. In case you have
any doubt about what kind of character Emily is, she chastises Ethan
for reading “Slaughterhouse Five”
because those kind of books are “bad for his mind”. That is
everything you need to know about her character right there.
The new girl
enters the classroom and SHOCKINGLY she doesn't enter in slow motion
while Ethan stares at her and falls in love instantly. But, not so
shockingly, she just happens to look identical to the girl he's been
dreaming about for months. The teacher asks what her name is and she
replies Duchannes, which Emily says is a lie because she knows she's
a Ravenwood. The girl snaps back at her with some kind of burn I
really didn't get, the whole class oohing and aahing like something
profound was just said. Savannah, Emily's best friend, outright says
New Girl is a devil worshiper who never goes outside, because fresh
air makes her kind choke.
Link counters with
“Well, we all know what makes YOU choke!” and I immediately like
him despite the fact he sounds like he should be blowing into an
empty jug in some hillbilly music band. The teacher finally steps in
and shuts the yokels up as Ethan gazes at New Girl, noticing a tattoo
on her hand of the number 104.
The teacher says
the class is going to participate in the December reenactment of the
South's “glorious victory” at the Battle of Honey Hill and I now
know everything I need to about Gatlin, South Carolina. The Battle of
Honey Hill was a decidedly one-sided battle during the Civil War
where a Confederate army of around 1,400 turned back a Union brigade
of 5,000 troops, the Confederates losing only eight men compared to
the Union's 89 deaths. Truly a great day for the South's murderous
campaign to vomit in the face of all human rights and decency so they
could keep their precious slaves.
Ethan drives home
from school in the pouring rain, singing along to Bob Dylan's
“Subterranean Homesick Blues”
in his twang so that song can forever be killed in our memories. He
almost hits New Girl, who is standing in the middle of the road like the
genius that her lousy Southern accent makes her sound like. She somehow gets
mad at Ethan for this and this is going to be a LONG FUCKING MOVIE.
She's having car trouble, so Ethan valiantly volunteers to give her a
ride. They engage in a RAPID FIRE series of witty one liners WAY too
clever for high school kids their age as we pretty much figure out
these characters will be hot and bothered for each other within the
half hour.
Ethan notices New
Girl's reading the book “You Get So Alone At Times That It Just
Makes Sense” by Charles Bukowski, a book even I'm not
pretentious enough to have heard of, so naturally the next scene is
Ethan reading the same book so he can understand New Girl better. I
wonder how in the world he'd even FIND a copy of a book like that in
a place like Gatlin?
One night Ethan is
driving along when he sees a large group of the town's populace
praying on the side of the road. Noticing Link there, he pulls over
and asks what's going on. Link shows him a bolt of lightning striking
an area next to a tree, saying it's been striking the same spot over
and over again. Emily informs Ethan this has been happening since
Lena Duchannes came to town- oh Lena, that's New Girl's first name!
Good to know.
The next day in
class Emily and Savannah take turns calling Lena a Satanist in class
and the SADDEST part of all of this is that Emily is STILL a more
likable character than Zoey Deutch's Rose Hathaway character in
Vampire Academy.
Emily and Savannah start praying out loud to be saved from Lena's
evil as all the windows in the classroom EXPLODE. Ethan asks Lena is
she's alright, but she just runs out of the room. Fun fact: these
windows actually shattered because of Zoey Deutch's high pitched
whiny accent, not Lena's magics.
After school he
drives out to the decrepit Ravenwood Manor to see her, where the film
doesn't miss a chance to do the “character about to knock on the
door of the spooky old house when the door opens by itself” bit. In
stark constant to the outside of the house, the inside is a highly
post-modern design that looks meticulously cared for.
Finding no one
home he leaves, the door slamming shut after him by itself. He
notices Lena out in the yard, going up to talk to her. She yells at
him to go away but he won't leave, so she calls him a jerk and
then... smiles. Ah, it's one of THESE kind of movies. He sits across
from her, seeing the tattoo on her hand now says “79”. That would
be so awesome if this meant she was a clone and there were at least
104 Lenas running around this backwater hellhole.
Ethan starts
reciting some of the writing he learned from the Bukowski book as he
completely and utterly wins Lena over. Twenty minutes, not bad. That
is actually REMARKABLE restraint for a Young Adult movie. The movie is about
to tease a kiss when they're interrupted by Lena's uncle Macon
Ravenwood, who is played by... JEREMY IRONS?!? What the hell?! Why is
one of the most acclaimed actors of the past thirty years slumming it
up in some crappy Young Adult movie? You think he would have learned
his lesson after Eragon...
or Dungeon And Dragons...
yikes. Jeremy Irons is one weird mofo. Moving on.
He invites Ethan
and Lena in for tea, and at least HIS accent isn't a textured assault
upon the ears. He asks Lena to play them a song on the nearby piano,
his niece refusing because “we're not in a Jane Austen novel”
which I have to admit made me laugh pretty hard. Macon takes to the
piano, discussing the close mindedness and idiocy of the citizens
that run Gatlin. I fucking LOVE Macon Ravenwood. Macon asks Ethan
what he has planned for his future as things get WEIRD. An ominous
tone begins to play as Ethan describes the next fifty years of his
life, never leaving Gatlin, marrying and divorcing Emily, and then
killing himself. It's obvious Macon is forcing Ethan to say these
things by magic, but it's still a very out there scene.
Ethan comes to his
senses and excuses himself, Lena asking Macon what he did to her new
friend. He angrily tells Lena that she is to never see Ethan again,
Lena bursting into tears and running off to her room. Sigh, and she
was almost THIS close to being likable too. She looks out her window
and sees Ethan returning to the house, gesturing to her to meet him
outside. He confesses to her that he's been dreaming about her for
months and gives her the locket he found earlier in the film.
It has the
initials ECW and GKD inscribed into it, with the date of December 21,
1863 at the bottom. Lena comments that's her birth date as Ethan
presses it into her hand, and things get weird again. Civil War
ghosts erupt everywhere, mirroring the opening of the film. Ethan
suddenly wakes up back in his bedroom with the locket in his hand,
thoroughly confused.
Hes goes
downstairs where Amma is, and she immediately starts freaking out
when she sees the locket. She orders him to take it back to
Greenbrier and bury it, which PERFECTLY sets up Ethan to say “I
never said I was in Greenbrier, Amma”. BUSTED! Character revealing
something they shouldn't have known cliché, check fucking CHECK!
Nothing comes of
this though, as the next scene is Ethan returning to Ravenwood Manor.
So what, he didn't have any follow up questions for Amma? Oh well,
he's got a girl to go finally kiss! He starts walking down the path
to the house, but finds himself right back at his car. He starts
walking the other way, where he runs into HIMSELF walking down the
path. Mindfucky! Instead of talking to himself like I SO would have
done, he turns around and starts running away.
I'm not really
sure what happens next thanks to the editing, but he ends up getting
ensnared in tons of CGI vines that Lena saves him from. She takes him
to her room where she explains her family are Casters, a really fancy
word for magic users. He asks about the locket but she has no idea
what that was all about. Lena gives us the whole “I've had to hide
what I am my entire life, I just want to be normal” schtick as she
kisses Ethan, who wholeheartedly kisses back. She reveals that she's
ALSO been dreaming about Ethan as Macon returns home to ruin all
their hormonal fun.
We catch up with
Amma, who takes a boat through the swamp to a small cabin. She meets
with Macon, saying Lena has brought darkness upon the town. Macon
says it's not Lena which leads Amma to the conclusion it's a woman
named Sarafine, which he all but confirms with his evasiveness. Their
conversation is rather vague as it SHOULD be, because I hate in
movies when characters flat out tell each other things they would
know in a copout way to deliver exposition to the audience.
What I'm able to
gather is the locket Ethan found is a Duchannes charm that Sarafine
is somehow using to try to get to Lena for as yet unknown reasons.
What I don't get is what the hell it was just doing there lying on
the ground for anyone to find. They also show us Amma is a Seer who
can speak to the dead, contacting her ancestors for guidance. The
next day a red sports car being driven by an evil looking woman
speeds into town, causing a cop trying to pull her over to drive off
the road via magic. Either
that, or we're finally getting that Thelma And Louise reboot you KNOW
Hollywood has been trying to get rolling for the past ten years.
Across town Ethan
and Lena are on their first date, Ethan taking her to his favourite
spot in town which is the exit sign near the highway. Lena tells him
what'll happen on her sixteenth birthday, that Casters face a ritual
called the Claiming where their powers get claimed by either the
Light or the Dark Side of the Force. You mean to tell me they've
haven't tested her midichlorian count yet? You're supposed to do that
when they're young kids!
We also learn
Macon is a Dark Caster, but he's... choosing to be Light for Lena
during her time of uncertainty. Ethan asks the exact same question I
just did: if you can CHOOSE what side you want to be on what's the
fucking point of the Claiming? Lena explains that's for men only,
females don't get that luxury because their “true nature” chooses
for them. HOLY SHIT! Did
Stephenie Meyer write this? She must have, right? Women are just
volatile creatures who have no control over their lives, emotions, or
desires... if I didn't know any better I'd say I just popped in a New Moon or Eclipse blu-ray by mistake.
She holds up her
hand, saying she only has 75 days left until she finds out her true
nature. Aww, so that's just her countdown to her Sweet Sixteen?
Dammit, I really wanted Lena clones! We take a trip to the local
church, where Link's mother is going off on a tirade about Lena and
her “Satanic powers”. You know, Mrs. Lincoln looks REALLY
freaking familiar. Is
that... My God, it is. Emma Thompson, not you too?!?
At this point I
can only assume she and Jeremy Irons saw the writer/director of this
film, Richard LaGravenese (behind films such as The Bridges Of
Madison County and The Horse Whisperer) was making a film
called Beautiful Creatures and signed on with the assumption
it was going to be another moving Academy Award bait-fest. Macon strolls in
and schools the fuck out of these ignorant Southerners, especially
Mrs. Lincoln. God I love movies where you can tell an actor is having
the time of his life hamming it up for the camera, it really makes
them all the better. I'm not sure I can ever think of a better actor
at doing that than Jeremy Irons.
However, this is
Beautiful Creatures and things must get weird because the
church turns dark and everyone vanishes except for Mrs. Lincoln. Only
it's not Mrs. Lincoln, it's Sarafine possessing her. DUN DUN DUUUUN!
Sarafine, who is revealed as Macon's little sister, taunts him over
going to the Light Side of the Force. We see she is over the edge
evil because of the Dark Side, which makes me wonder if Macon was
also playing for that team why did he give a fuck if Lena turned evil
too? Why would he try to save her?
She details her
plan to have Ethan break Lena's heart, counting on the pain that'll
cause to help steer Lena over to the Dark Side. She also makes
mention of a curse on Lena that “no Caster may love a mortal”
which is going to serve as Sarafine's back up plan in case the whole
heartbreak thing doesn't pan out. I should also note Emma Thompson is
playing this entire scene as “Fuck you Jeremy Irons, you think YOU
can chew the scenery? Check THIS shit out! OM NOM NOM NOM!” and
yes, it's every bit as wonderful as you can imagine. Seriously, this
single scene alone elevates the movie to Must See.
Click here for Part 2!
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