Thursday, July 10, 2014

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

Jacob brushes this off though, and runs off to join up with Sam and the rest of the Shirtless. Later Bella decides to go for a hike in the woods, because that turned out SO well last time. Hey this time's even better, as she runs into Laurent! He's not quite the helpful person he was last time, as he's here as a favour to Victoria to see if she's still under Cullen protection. He decides to just kill her himself since there isn't a Cullen in sight. Well, a REAL Cullen that is as Hallucination Edward pops back up to advise Bella how to deal with the vampire.

It doesn't work, Laurent about to kill Edward when a group of GIGANTIC and OH SO FAKE LOOKING CGI wolves appear and chase him away. Bella escapes, heading back home. Jacobs soon shows up, and this is almost exactly like the first movie. Edward/Jacob tells Bella they can't be friends, but then next scene goes to talk to her. Sigh.

Their badly acted conversation amounts to Jacob saying he's literally unable to tell Bella what's going on, asking her to remember their conversation at La Push from the first movie and leaving. That night Bella has a dream about it, remembering Jacob talking about how his tribe was descended from wolves.

She goes to see him the next day, running into the Shirtless. She yells at them for changing Jacob, slapping one of him and watching in horror and he mutates into one of the giant wolves. Jacob runs out to defend her, changing into a wolf himself and attacking the other one. Bella watches them battle, thinking of how she's seen better special effects on her PlayStation 2.

This goes on way longer than it should, so let's skip ahead. Later all the Shirtless convene at Sam's house, which he shares with his fiancee Emily. Bella does her trademark “hit it off with everyone despite not being interesting or funny” as she befriends the entire tribe. Sam is the “alpha” of the wolfpack, able to make anyone do what he tells them which is why Jacob couldn't directly tell Bella he was now a werewolf.  Bella and Jacob go for a walk along the beach, as we get what are likely the WORST lines in the entire Godforsaken franchise:

“Well, can't you find a way to just stop? I mean, it's wrong.”
“It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella. I was born this way. I can't help it.”

Gee, I wonder if that's supposed to mean something?  Nah, I'm sure I'm just imagining things.  A bunch of buff shirtless guys that like to hang out with each other?  You'd almost think this scene was a METAPHOR for something else... seriously though, FUCK THIS MOVIE. And while we're on the topic of this movie, wasn't there a plot of some sort a few hours back? Oh, the whole adrenaline rush to see Edward thing. Yeah, let's get back to that.

Victoria briefly shows up to do nothing as Bella hikes to the top of the cliffs. Hallucination Edward pops up, begging Bella to not jump. She does anyway because she's pretty much lost her mind at this point, knocking herself out in the process. Jacob saves her from drowning as Victoria glowers at them from far away.  Then she vanishes for the rest of the film.

Jacob drives her home as they're about to kiss when Bella notices Carlisle's car parked outside her house. She INSTANTLY forgets about Jacob because she no longer needs him, rushing inside to find Alice waiting for her. Alice reveals she had a vision of Bella jumping off a cliff to kill herself and that she came back to Forks to check on Charlie.

Jacob comes back in to talk to Bella some more and God this is NEVERENDING. Blah blah blah, they're about to kiss again but get interrupted for like the sixteenth time. Alice bursts in, telling Bella she had a new vision that Edward's going to kill himself via the Volturi as Rosalie just called him and told him of Alice's vision featuring Bella.

And JUST LIKE the last movie we suddenly have ourselves a new plot and a sense of urgency after enduring an hour and a half of mind numbing high school romance bullshit. Bella and Alice prepare to leave for the airport, Jacob begging her to stay. Bella tells him she can't let Edward kill himself out of the guilt of thinking she's dead... hey just like Romeo and Juliet! I can't believe they're paying homage to that after so subtlety bringing it up in the beginning of the film! Oh, and by homage I mean TOTALLY FUCKING RIPPING OFF.

Next scene they're in Italy because that's only like an hour flight from Washington right? Just in time too, because Edward is just now meeting with the Volturi- no, that's not right. He's clearly meeting with Armand from Interview With The VampireThey reject his request to kill him, as his telepathy is too valuable a gift to waste. This sparks another vision in Alice, who sees Edward plans to expose himself to the humans at exactly high noon because DRAMA! Luckily a festival JUST HAPPENS to be going on, which Alice explains is “San Marco's Day”, where the villagers celebrate the expulsion of vampires from the city. And no, it's not a real thing. I checked.

Bella runs to the clock tower Edward plans to reveal himself, Alice not accompanying her because Edward will be able to sense her... okay, stop right there. The implication is Edward will think Alice is trying to lie that Bella is alive so he won't reveal himself, but I think the movie's forgetting ONE little detail. EDWARD CAN READ HER FUCKING MIND! Alice, who can run faster than Bella, could get to Edward in one second and he could read her mind and discover Bella is alive.

The movie's trying its ass off to hammer home the ticking clock (they have less than five minutes before noon), the pace is going lightning fast and dramatic tense music is playing. Kristen Stewart is killing ALL OF IT THOUGH, as she refuses to show any emotion outside of leaving her mouth open and furrowing her brow. She really is like one of those beautiful showroom mannequins come to life. I know who I'M looking to cast in the inevitable Mannequin remake...

Bella runs through the large groups of red cloaked people as we are now FULL CIRCLE to where the movie began. That only took an hour and a half, but it felt like a year and a half. The clock strikes noon as she sees Edward begin to emerge from the clock tower, unbuttoning his shirt as only he can: IN SLOW MOTION. He takes a step into the light and goes FULL SPARKLE as Bella leaps onto him and yells at him to get back in the shadows.

I know it's ridiculous to criticize ANY kind of actual story elements in the Twilight series, but this one NEVER made any sense to me. Edward is going to reveal himself by going full sparkle in a crowd full of people, which is going to immediately out himself as a vampire? If you saw a guy covered in glitter wouldn't you just assume he got lost on his way to the Lady GaGa concert?

I guess because the town is celebrating a festival about vampires so they of all people would know vampires sparkle, but in the first movie when Bella was doing her research she never once came across the subject. I don't know, it seems to be a better way to do all of this would have been y'know, to drink someone's blood from their neck.

Whatever though. Edward sees Bella and automatically assumes his plan worked, that the Volturi killed him and he's now in Heaven. A lifetime of being with Bella? I think you actually went South of Heaven there son. Bella convinces him she's still alive, although by her attempts of acting I'd still be on the fence about this if I were Edward.

Bella tells him she couldn't let him kill himself out of guilt, however he reveals it wasn't out of guilt but instead he couldn't stand to be in a world without her. Now that's a line straight out of a Tastes Like Diabetes romance novel! He tells her all the words he said in Forks were just a lie to protect her (GASP! NO FUCKING WAY!), as Bella goes on to sum up the entire franchise:

It doesn't make sense for you to love me.”

Edward replies “HOLY SHIT YOU'RE RIGHT!”, puts his shirt back on, and GTFO to find the nearest Spring Break party to score some women who actually know how to smile. Oops, I accidentally posted part of the Twilight/Spring Breakers fanfiction I've been working on.

Two vampires show up to take Edward and Bella back to Armand, or Aro for shot, but Edward refuses. Alice shows up to provide back up but then another vampire named Jane (played by Dakota Fanning for no good reason whatsoever) enters the picture and Edward immediately agrees, as he seems a bit frightened of her.

They return to the Volturi as Aro takes center stage and I am going to say, without a doubt, he's one of my favourite characters EVER. He's played by classically trained stage actor Michael Sheen, and he. Is. GLORIOUS! Literally the only character in the entire franchise with any kind of personality or emotion, he is so over the top extravagant and ends very sentence with a dramatic flourish.

What a HAPPY surprise! BellER is alive after all! Isn't that WONderful?”

We learn Aro's gift is he can read every thought a person has ever had just be touching them. He wonders since Bella is immune to Edward's telepathy if she'll be immune to his as well, so he extends his hand. Bella takes it, and sure enough he can't read her either. Insert another “Bella's so stupid there's nothing TO read” joke here.  This make Aro curious if Bella is immune to everyone's powers, so he asks Jane to try hers next. This pisses off Edward so he runs at Jane, but she immediately makes him begin feeling searing amounts of pain and he falls to the ground. Jane directs her attention to Bella, but again nothing.

Aro squeals with delight and claps his hands. GOD I LOVE THIS MAN. The other two members of the Volturi, who have been sitting in their chairs the entire time and watching the spectacle bored out of their minds basically tell Aro to quit playing with his food and kill Bella. He reluctantly agrees, which leads to a shitty looking fight sequence with Edward and Alice holding off the vampire goons. Or attempting to at least, as one of them kicks the unliving hell out of Edward and is about to rip his head off when Bella begs them to kill her instead.

This causes Aro to spare Edward, as he is floored that she'd give her life for a soulless vampire. But then he shrugs and is about to kill her when Alice yells out she's had a vision Bella WILL become a vampire. Aro touches the pixie haired vampire to verify this, and we're treated to an INSANELY HILARIOUS image of Edward and Bella gingerly running in the woods wearing the JC Penny Springtime collection.

This is good enough for Aro so he lets everyone go. But, because this is Twilight and we can't go a few minutes without a total WTF Moment, the three are leaving the Volturi's castle when they pass a tour group entering. The tour group is at least thirty people deep and contains CHILDREN. Just as Bella is at the exit door the screams start up and how fucking OUT OF PLACE was that in this movie?! For crying out loud, do they think this is a real vampire movie or something? Also thirty tourists vanishing all at once isn't going to set off alarms of some sort?  Double also, CHILDREN?  Really New Moon?

Bella wakes up screaming as the whole thing was revealed to be a dream- oh no, there's Edward. Damn, for once I think I would have PREFERRED that cop out. Edward's all I love you, I'll never leave you again blah blah blah then vanishes when he senses Charlie coming. Charlie, of course, isn't even mad Bella up and went to Italy for a minute. Kids these days, am I right guys?!

Well, in his defense, he does ground her and forbid Edward to set a foot through his door. He doesn't forbid her from seeing Edward though, because it's not like Edward did anything bad to her besides turning her into a comatose mental patient for three months. Charlie leaves, Edward reappearing and saying technically he's not breaking that rule because he came in through the window and not the door. Ha ha ha.  Just like the last movie, Bella makes another HORRIFYING THREAT to Edward.

“Once Alice changes me, you can't get rid of me.”. Jesus H. Christ, has anyone thought of casting K-Stew as the VILLAIN in a movie?! She's scarier than the freaking Outlook Hotel from the Shining!

Edward tells her that Alice won't be changing her as he'll think of a way to trick the Volturi, Bella starting to freak out. We immediately cut to the Cullens where Bella is... calling on a vote from the family to override Edward. The fuck? Alice and Jasper vote yes, Jasper adding “It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time”. Just wait til you have to spend a hundred years of listening to her whine Jasper!

Rosalie, who is the ONLY intelligent character AND voice of reason in the entire franchise, votes no because it's “not a life she would have chosen for herself and she wishes there'd been someone there to vote No for her”. Good God, why aren't these movies about Rosalie? The implications of that one line are most interesting than the entire two movies put together. Everyone else votes yes however, so it's settled.

Edward drives Bella home as she prattles on about when she plans to do it, and this is just all so wrong. She totally comes off as a spoiled brat her who just talked Daddy into buying a shiny new something and is rubbing Edward's face in it. If I were him I would just slam on the breaks of my car and sent her vaulting out the window.

Edward DOES slam on his brakes however, because Jacob Black is standing in the middle of the road. Oh yeah that guy, I completely forgot he was in this movie after spending the last half hour in Interview With The Vampire. Jacob is here to remind Edward that if any of the Cullens bite a human that the truce is over and it's open season on the vampires. Bella says it's HER choice but Jacob shuts her down by yelling “I won't let you!”.

Bella tries to talk her nonsense into Jacob, but this just goes in circles for at least another hour until Jacob finally leaves. Edward again tries to convince Bella not to become a vampire, but she won't listen so he changes tact. He tells her he'll change her on one condition: she marries him. Bella gasps.

Cue the credits.


WHAT THE HELL! Two of the longest, most boring, most pointless hours of agony built up to THAT? I just got done ranting how The Lone Ranger wasn't really a movie but instead a bunch of set pieces edited into one big long story, well you can throw New Moon onto that same pile. This movie is like a Greatest Hits of scenes from the book, filmed with no thought of making it FLOW into a story. Scenes just stop and cut into something completely else, this REALLY stands out at the end when co-star Jacob vanishes for like half an hour and then just randomly shows up at the end. This was just PAINFUL.

This movie marks the beginning of why Twilight became one of the most hated things in all of pop culture, and for once it's ALL earned. People love to defend Twilight by saying it's just cool and popular to hate on, and while there is some truth to that, the rest of it comes from the actual story content.  Story is too strong of a word, let's just go with "The Stuff That Is Kind Of Happening".

ALL of these characters are just disgustingly vile. Bella is a woman who can ONLY exist and function with a man in her life. She has no interests of her own, literally nothing to define her besides her relationships. And when she does have a man, all she does is use and manipulate him to make HERSELF feel better. She even outright says this to Jacob at one point.

Edward is an overly dramatic emo dumbass who can ONLY function in extremes. He turns everything into life or death, and is ready to kill himself at the drop of a hat the second he thinks Bella is dead.  Jacob does start off likeable, actually REALLY likeable because you feel so bad for him when Bella starts leading him own just so she can get her motorcycles fixed up. It's easy to forget but he's only a 16 year old boy, madly in love with a manipulative bitch who is TOTALLY using him. This is where all of the Team Jacob stuff came from, because he is a very sympathetic character at this point.

THEN he transforms into a pro wrestler and that all goes out the window, as he's now a bitter tough guy. The BIGGEST missed opportunity here is they could have justified all of this by having him realize what Bella was doing and being fucking pissed at her, but no he's mad at her for wanting to be with Edward. He never ONCE addresses what she was doing to him, most likely because that would have required three dimensional writing.

All around just one of the worst movies I've ever seen, this makes the first film look AMAZING. Twilight, for its thousand of flaws, at least had some memorable scenes. I can barely remember anything that even happened in this movie- oh wait, it was nothing. No that's not fair, Aro did bring down the freaking house. Aro is everything good and pure in this movie, and he pretty much does enough acting to compensate for the entire rest of the cast. The scariest part of all? We've only JUST begun to scrape the bottom of the barrel.