Jacob brushes this
off though, and runs off to join up with Sam and the rest of the
Shirtless. Later Bella decides to go for a hike in the woods, because
that turned out SO well last time. Hey this time's even better, as
she runs into Laurent! He's not quite the helpful person he was last
time, as he's here as a favour to Victoria to see if she's still
under Cullen protection. He decides to just kill her himself since
there isn't a Cullen in sight. Well, a REAL Cullen that is as
Hallucination Edward pops back up to advise Bella how to deal with
the vampire.
It doesn't work,
Laurent about to kill Edward when a group of GIGANTIC and OH SO FAKE
LOOKING CGI wolves appear and chase him away. Bella escapes, heading
back home. Jacobs soon shows up, and this is almost exactly like the
first movie. Edward/Jacob tells Bella they can't be friends, but then
next scene goes to talk to her. Sigh.
Their badly acted
conversation amounts to Jacob saying he's literally unable to tell
Bella what's going on, asking her to remember their conversation at
La Push from the first movie and leaving. That night Bella has a
dream about it, remembering Jacob talking about how his tribe was
descended from wolves.
She goes to see
him the next day, running into the Shirtless. She yells at them for
changing Jacob, slapping one of him and watching in horror and he
mutates into one of the giant wolves. Jacob runs out to defend her,
changing into a wolf himself and attacking the other one. Bella
watches them battle, thinking of how she's seen better special
effects on her PlayStation 2.
This goes on way
longer than it should, so let's skip ahead. Later all the Shirtless
convene at Sam's house, which he shares with his fiancee Emily. Bella
does her trademark “hit it off with everyone despite not being
interesting or funny” as she befriends the entire tribe. Sam is the
“alpha” of the wolfpack, able to make anyone do what he tells
them which is why Jacob couldn't directly tell Bella he was now a
werewolf. Bella and Jacob go
for a walk along the beach, as we get what are likely the WORST
lines in the entire Godforsaken franchise:
“Well, can't you
find a way to just stop? I mean, it's wrong.”
“It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella. I was
born this way. I can't help it.”
Gee, I wonder if
that's supposed to mean something? Nah, I'm sure I'm just
imagining things. A bunch of buff shirtless guys that like to
hang out with each other? You'd almost think this scene was a
METAPHOR for something else... seriously though, FUCK THIS MOVIE. And
while we're on the topic of this movie, wasn't there a plot of some
sort a few hours back? Oh, the whole adrenaline rush to see Edward
thing. Yeah, let's get back to that.
Victoria briefly
shows up to do nothing as Bella hikes to the top of the cliffs.
Hallucination Edward pops up, begging Bella to not jump. She does
anyway because she's pretty much lost her mind at this point,
knocking herself out in the process. Jacob saves her from drowning as
Victoria glowers at them from far away. Then she vanishes for
the rest of the film.
Jacob drives her home as they're about to kiss when Bella notices Carlisle's car parked outside her house. She INSTANTLY forgets about Jacob because she no longer needs him, rushing inside to find Alice waiting for her. Alice reveals she had a vision of Bella jumping off a cliff to kill herself and that she came back to Forks to check on Charlie.
Jacob comes back in to talk to Bella
some more and God this is NEVERENDING. Blah blah blah, they're about
to kiss again but get interrupted for like the sixteenth time. Alice
bursts in, telling Bella she had a new vision that Edward's going to
kill himself via the Volturi as Rosalie just called him and told him
of Alice's vision featuring Bella.
And JUST LIKE the last movie we
suddenly have ourselves a new plot and a sense of urgency after
enduring an hour and a half of mind numbing high school romance
bullshit. Bella and Alice prepare to leave for the airport, Jacob
begging her to stay. Bella tells him she can't let Edward kill
himself out of the guilt of thinking she's dead... hey just like
Romeo and Juliet! I can't believe they're paying homage to that after
so subtlety bringing it up in the beginning of the film! Oh,
and by homage I mean TOTALLY FUCKING RIPPING OFF.
Next scene they're in Italy because
that's only like an hour flight from Washington right? Just in time
too, because Edward is just now meeting with the Volturi- no, that's
not right. He's clearly meeting
with Armand from Interview With The Vampire. They reject his request to kill him, as
his telepathy is too valuable a gift to waste. This sparks another
vision in Alice, who sees Edward plans to expose himself to the
humans at exactly high noon because DRAMA! Luckily a festival JUST
HAPPENS to be going on, which Alice explains is “San Marco's Day”,
where the villagers celebrate the expulsion of vampires from the
city. And no, it's not a real
thing. I checked.
Bella runs to the clock tower Edward
plans to reveal himself, Alice not accompanying her because Edward
will be able to sense her... okay, stop right there. The implication
is Edward will think Alice is trying to lie that Bella is alive so he
won't reveal himself, but I think the movie's forgetting ONE little
detail. EDWARD CAN READ HER FUCKING MIND! Alice, who can run faster
than Bella, could get to Edward in one second and he could read her
mind and discover Bella is alive.
The movie's trying its ass off to
hammer home the ticking clock (they have less than five minutes
before noon), the pace is going lightning fast and dramatic tense
music is playing. Kristen Stewart is killing ALL OF IT THOUGH, as she
refuses to show any emotion outside of leaving her mouth open and
furrowing her brow. She really is like one of those beautiful
showroom mannequins come to life. I
know who I'M looking to cast in the inevitable Mannequin
remake...
Bella runs through the large groups of
red cloaked people as we are now FULL CIRCLE to where the movie
began. That only took an hour and a half, but it felt like a year and
a half. The clock strikes noon as she sees Edward begin to emerge
from the clock tower, unbuttoning his shirt as only he can: IN SLOW
MOTION. He takes a step into the light and goes FULL SPARKLE as Bella
leaps onto him and yells at him to get back in the shadows.
I know it's ridiculous to criticize ANY
kind of actual story elements in the Twilight series, but this one
NEVER made any sense to me. Edward is going to reveal himself by
going full sparkle in a crowd full of people, which is going to
immediately out himself as a vampire? If you saw a guy covered in
glitter wouldn't you just assume he got lost on his way to the Lady
GaGa concert?
I guess because the town is celebrating
a festival about vampires so they of all people would know vampires
sparkle, but in the first movie when Bella was doing her research she
never once came across the subject. I don't know, it seems to be a
better way to do all of this would have been y'know, to drink
someone's blood from their neck.
Whatever though. Edward sees Bella and
automatically assumes his plan worked, that the Volturi killed him
and he's now in Heaven. A lifetime of being with Bella? I think you
actually went South of Heaven there son. Bella convinces him she's
still alive, although by her attempts of acting I'd still be on the
fence about this if I were Edward.
Bella tells him she couldn't let him
kill himself out of guilt, however he reveals it wasn't out of guilt
but instead he couldn't stand to be in a world without her. Now
that's a line straight out of a Tastes Like Diabetes romance novel!
He tells her all the words he said in Forks were just a lie to
protect her (GASP! NO FUCKING WAY!), as Bella goes on to sum up the
entire franchise:
“It
doesn't make sense for you to love me.”
Edward replies “HOLY SHIT YOU'RE
RIGHT!”, puts his shirt back on, and GTFO to find the nearest
Spring Break party to score some women who actually know how to
smile. Oops, I accidentally posted part of the Twilight/Spring
Breakers fanfiction I've been working on.
Two vampires show up to take Edward and
Bella back to Armand, or Aro for shot, but Edward refuses. Alice
shows up to provide back up but then another vampire named Jane
(played by Dakota Fanning for no good reason whatsoever) enters the
picture and Edward immediately agrees, as he seems a bit frightened
of her.
They return to the Volturi as Aro takes
center stage and I am going to say, without a doubt, he's one of my
favourite characters EVER. He's played by classically trained stage
actor Michael Sheen, and he. Is. GLORIOUS! Literally the only
character in the entire franchise with any kind of personality or
emotion, he is so over the top extravagant and ends very sentence
with a dramatic flourish.
“What
a HAPPY surprise! BellER is alive after all! Isn't that WONderful?”
We learn Aro's gift is he can read
every thought a person has ever had just be touching them. He wonders
since Bella is immune to Edward's telepathy if she'll be immune to
his as well, so he extends his hand. Bella takes it, and sure enough
he can't read her either. Insert
another “Bella's so stupid there's nothing TO read” joke here. This make Aro curious if Bella is
immune to everyone's powers, so he asks Jane to try hers next. This
pisses off Edward so he runs at Jane, but she immediately makes him
begin feeling searing amounts of pain and he falls to the ground.
Jane directs her attention to Bella, but again nothing.
Aro squeals with delight and claps his
hands. GOD I LOVE THIS MAN. The other two members of the Volturi, who
have been sitting in their chairs the entire time and watching the
spectacle bored out of their minds basically tell Aro to quit playing
with his food and kill Bella. He reluctantly agrees, which leads to a
shitty looking fight sequence with Edward and Alice holding off the
vampire goons. Or attempting to at least, as one of them kicks the
unliving hell out of Edward and is about to rip his head off when
Bella begs them to kill her instead.
This causes Aro to spare Edward, as he
is floored that she'd give her life for a soulless vampire. But then
he shrugs and is about to kill her when Alice yells out she's had a
vision Bella WILL become a vampire. Aro touches the pixie haired
vampire to verify this, and we're treated to an INSANELY HILARIOUS
image of Edward and Bella gingerly running in the woods wearing the
JC Penny Springtime collection.
This is good enough for Aro so he lets
everyone go. But, because this is Twilight and we can't go a
few minutes without a total WTF Moment, the three are leaving the
Volturi's castle when they pass a tour group entering. The tour group
is at least thirty people deep and contains CHILDREN. Just as Bella
is at the exit door the screams start up and how fucking OUT OF PLACE
was that in this movie?! For crying out loud, do they think this is a
real vampire movie or something? Also
thirty tourists vanishing all at once isn't going to set off alarms
of some sort? Double also, CHILDREN? Really New
Moon?
Bella wakes up screaming as the whole
thing was revealed to be a dream- oh no, there's Edward. Damn, for
once I think I would have PREFERRED that cop out. Edward's all I love
you, I'll never leave you again blah blah blah then vanishes when he
senses Charlie coming. Charlie, of course, isn't even mad Bella up
and went to Italy for a minute. Kids
these days, am I right guys?!
Well, in his defense, he does ground
her and forbid Edward to set a foot through his door. He doesn't
forbid her from seeing Edward though, because it's not like Edward
did anything bad to her besides turning her into a comatose mental
patient for three months. Charlie leaves, Edward reappearing and
saying technically he's not breaking that rule because he came in
through the window and not the door. Ha ha ha. Just like the
last movie, Bella makes another HORRIFYING THREAT to Edward.
“Once Alice changes me, you can't get
rid of me.”. Jesus H. Christ, has
anyone thought of casting K-Stew as the VILLAIN in a movie?! She's
scarier than the freaking Outlook Hotel from the Shining!
Edward tells her that Alice won't be
changing her as he'll think of a way to trick the Volturi, Bella
starting to freak out. We immediately cut to the Cullens where Bella
is... calling on a vote from the family to override Edward. The fuck?
Alice and Jasper vote yes, Jasper adding “It would be nice to not
want to kill you all the time”. Just
wait til you have to spend a hundred years of listening to her whine
Jasper!
Rosalie, who is the ONLY intelligent
character AND voice of reason in the entire franchise, votes no
because it's “not a life she would have chosen for herself and she
wishes there'd been someone there to vote No for her”. Good God,
why aren't these movies about Rosalie? The implications of that one
line are most interesting than the entire two movies put together.
Everyone else votes yes however, so it's settled.
Edward drives Bella home as she
prattles on about when she plans to do it, and this is just all so
wrong. She totally comes off as a spoiled brat her who just talked
Daddy into buying a shiny new something and is rubbing Edward's face
in it. If I were him I would just slam on the breaks of my car and
sent her vaulting out the window.
Edward DOES slam on his brakes however,
because Jacob Black is standing in the middle of the road. Oh yeah
that guy, I completely forgot he was in this movie after spending the
last half hour in Interview With The Vampire.
Jacob is here to remind Edward that if any of the Cullens bite a
human that the truce is over and it's open season on the
vampires. Bella says it's HER choice but Jacob shuts her down by
yelling “I won't let you!”.
Bella tries to talk her nonsense into
Jacob, but this just goes in circles for at least another hour until
Jacob finally leaves. Edward again tries to convince Bella not to
become a vampire, but she won't listen so he changes tact. He tells
her he'll change her on one condition: she marries him. Bella gasps.
Cue the credits.
WHAT THE HELL! Two of the longest, most
boring, most pointless hours of agony built up to THAT? I just got
done ranting how The
Lone Ranger wasn't really a movie but instead a bunch of set
pieces edited into one big long story, well you can throw New
Moon onto that same pile. This movie is like a Greatest
Hits of scenes from the book, filmed with no thought of making it
FLOW into a story. Scenes just stop and cut into something completely
else, this REALLY stands out at the end when co-star Jacob vanishes
for like half an hour and then just randomly shows up at the end.
This was just PAINFUL.
This movie marks the beginning of why
Twilight became one of the most hated things in all of pop
culture, and for once it's ALL earned. People love to defend Twilight
by saying it's just cool and popular to hate on, and while there is
some truth to that, the rest of it comes from the actual story
content. Story is too strong of a word, let's just go with "The
Stuff That Is Kind Of Happening".
ALL of these characters are just
disgustingly vile. Bella is a woman who can ONLY exist and function
with a man in her life. She has no interests of her own, literally
nothing to define her besides her relationships. And when she does
have a man, all she does is use and manipulate him to make HERSELF
feel better. She even outright says this to Jacob at one point.
Edward is an overly dramatic emo
dumbass who can ONLY function in extremes. He turns everything into
life or death, and is ready to kill himself at the drop of a hat the
second he thinks Bella is dead. Jacob does start off likeable, actually
REALLY likeable because you feel so bad for him when Bella starts
leading him own just so she can get her motorcycles fixed up. It's
easy to forget but he's only a 16 year old boy, madly in love with a
manipulative bitch who is TOTALLY using him. This is where all of the
Team Jacob stuff came from, because he is a very sympathetic
character at this point.
THEN he transforms into a pro wrestler and that all goes out the window, as he's now a bitter tough
guy. The BIGGEST missed opportunity here is they could have justified
all of this by having him realize what Bella was doing and being
fucking pissed at her, but no he's mad at her for wanting to be with
Edward. He never ONCE addresses what she was doing to him, most
likely because that would have required three dimensional writing.
All around just one of the worst movies
I've ever seen, this makes the first film look AMAZING. Twilight, for
its thousand of flaws, at least had some memorable scenes. I can
barely remember anything that even happened in this movie- oh wait,
it was nothing. No that's not fair, Aro did bring down the freaking
house. Aro is everything good and pure in this movie, and he pretty
much does enough acting to compensate for the entire rest of the
cast. The scariest part of all? We've only JUST begun to scrape the
bottom of the barrel.
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