Tuesday, July 29, 2014

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Part 4)

Click here for Part 3!

Soundwave oversees the captured Autobots when Dylan wanders in and points out how stupid it is to keep them alive. Soundwave getting schooled by a shitty actor is quite possibly the saddest thing I've seen in this entire series of character degradation. Soundwave advances on Que, the Transformer's resident genius and weapon designer, who begs for mercy as he points out they've surrendered. But because only a TOTAL FUCKING MONSTER would execute someone who has surrendered, Shockwave has him killed.

Bumblebee is next, but right before Shockwave can kill him Wheelie and Brains intervene by dropping ships on top of the Decepticon. The Autobots use this distraction to kill their captors, Bumblebee punching off Soundwave's head Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots style.  Optimus begins killing his way towards Sentinel, ripping off Shockwave's head and screaming “YOU DIE!”. Hopefully they're setting up Optimus to turn into the power hungry villain with Megatron forced to turn into the good guy to stop him, otherwise this is just straight fucked up.

Sentinel jumps down for our final battle, and this might actually be something since they're both colour coded for our convenience. You know though, as cool as this is it's just not ENOUGH. Let's bring in some Decepticon ships to fire at Optimus while the soldiers fire on Sentinel with rocket launchers. No, still not excessive enough. How about some first person floating gun shots, ala Call of Duty? PERFECT!  Dylan pops up again, heading towards the control pillar which got tipped over during the battle and has halted the Space Bridge. Sam cuts him off, trying to stop him but is too late. Dylan magically knows how to reactivate the pillar and reopen the Bridge. Way to go Sam, you had ONE job!

We then get a weird scene where Carly goes to talk to Megatron, who I guess has been spending the entire battle sitting against a skyscraper. He might have been one of the Decepticons we saw blowing stuff up, but I honestly have no idea as Megatron has one of the most nondescript appearances of anyone in this entire series. Carly starts... taunting him? Oh geez, here we go. She brings up how Sentinel is the one running the show and Megatron is just his BITCH. Ohhhhhh snap girlfriend, no you didn't!

Optimus and Sentinel battle on, Optimus getting his right arm cut off. Sentinel is about to deliver the killing blow when Megatron runs in slow motion style and starts shooting at his partner in crime. This makes for a sweet visual, but again just goes to prove how BRAIN DEAD Megaton really is. Why not let Sentinel kill off his archenemy and THEN attack him? Megatron starts beating the shit out of Sentinel and tearing out large parts of him.  Sam and Dylan also fight in a battle that's meant to parallel Optimus and Sentinel's, but Shia LaBeouf versus a guy who plays a doctor called “McDreamy” on a stupid medical drama just doesn't have the same epic pull to it. Sam ends up knocking him into the control pillar, which electrocutes him... to death maybe?

Bumblebee and Ratchet run up and take out the pillar, which in turn causes the Space Bridge to transform into a black hole and suck Cybertron into it because sure, why not? Back on the streets of Chicago Megatron offers Optimus a truce, saying all he wants is to be back in charge. Optimus considers his offer carefully, and then FUCKING RIPS HIS HEAD OFF WITH HIS BATTLE AXE. SEVERE! Sure is a shame no one let Optimus get killed when they had the chance. Megatron, I hate being THAT zombie BUT... told ya so.

The former leader of the Autobots crawls around on the ground, trying to justify his deeds by saying he was acting for the survival of their race. Optimus holds a shotgun to Sentinel's head, but because only a TOTAL FUCKING MONSTER would execute someone who has surrendered- hmm, deja vu there. Optimus splatters his helpless opponent's circuits across the pavement, shooting him again for good measure.  All of the heroes gather around Murderer Prime as Sam and Carly kiss and YES! It's in slow motion with dramatic music playing! THANK GOD, I would have felt so cheated otherwise. Optimus, that's your cue to play us out.

In any war there are calms between storms. There will be days when we lose faith. Days when our allies turn against us. But the day will never come that we forsake this planet, except for Chicago because FUCK THEM, and its people.”

Cue the credits, ONCE AGAIN set to a Linkin Park song. I looked this song up and it's about how much it sucks when there's a Good Charlotte concert playing and your mom makes you clean your room.  Hey, aren't there still 200 Decepticons left on Earth?  Anyone... anyone going to do anything about that?  No?  Okay.
Oh, but you know we're not done yet! A post credit sequence features Simmons rolling up behind Charlotte and knocking her into his wheelchair, where he kisses her. She naturally kisses back, ever so delighted she's finally found a MAN to make her life whole.

I... I did it. I did it! I DID IT!  I SURVIVED THE TRANSFORMERS TRILOGY! Almost eight hours of the WORST stories, the WORST acting, the WORST stereotypes, the WORST cliches, the WORST character designs, the WORST comedy, some of the hardest action to follow, and some of the MOST BORING human interactions ever captured on film.

Honestly I could take all the Big Dumb Action, horrible stereotypes, and done to death stories Bay can dish out, they're Summer Blockbuster movies and it's not like we can hope to ever get anything different. But to me, the REAL failing of these movies are how fucking boring they are.  Humans get the VAST majority of the screen time, and that is fact. What is this time spent doing? Talking about nothing, arguing about nothing, making “witty” jokes about nothing, talking talking TALKING! It does nothing to advance the plot and there's no payoff to ANY of it. What crucial bearing did the Witwicky's discussion on masturbation lead to? Why did we see SO much of Sam's college life? How about Sam's mom trying to teach him the fine art of bringing a woman to orgasm?

There is around FIVE HOURS of this shit, and I just don't get WHO it's for. Younger audiences will be put to sleep because all they want to see are robots fighting, teenage audiences probably get a kick out of some of the sex jokes but they are also there to see robots fighting, and adults will DESPISE whiny ass punk teen Sam. I've never seen a film throw so many middle fingers to all of its target audiences and yet still succeed so wildly. Maybe everyone is lulled to sleep by the human bullshit, get woken up when Bay starts blaring the music to announce the next fight scene, then fall asleep to repeat the cycle so all they're AWARE of is the action.

However, the endless padding of these movies DOES make sense when you look at a movie theater showing one of these movies. The painfully long running times force theaters to pull over movies to add more showings, thus eliminating any competition Transformers might have had. It's not unusual to see a ten-screen theater having at least half of those dedicated to showing nothing BUT Bayformers with their near three hour lengths. It's a brilliant idea that greatly inflates Bay's gaudy box office gross, it's just a shame he choose to use filler that is mind numbingly boring and makes you want to tune out almost immediately.

In closing, let's take a look at the movies with the Ghoul Breakdown...

1.  Which Was The Best Movie?
Best” is the wrong word to use here, but oddly enough I thought Revenge Of The Fallen was the least worst here. The first hour is unbearable, and I already talked about how irredeemable the stereotypes, cliches, and Sam's parents were, but ignoring all of that this is the one that felt the MOST like a movie towards the end.

2.  Which Was The Worst Movie?
Dark Of The Moon, hands down. EVERYTHING about it was wrong and it literally made no sense whatsoever. All of the characters were vile in numerous ways, human or robot. Sam was a complete asshole and Optimus was reduced to a slasher villain who screamed out stuff like “YOU DIE!”.

3.  Which Movie Had The Best Hero?
Uhh... heroism and Transformers are two things that don't mix. Optimus Prime in the second movie felt the most heroic, but then again he was dead for the majority of the movie. I'm actually going to say Sam Witwicky in the first movie, as he was still written as an endearing person you could actually care for and cheer for. He REALLY is the ONLY character in the entire trilogy that is an actual character, but wow is it all downhill from there.

4.  Which Movie Had The Worst Hero?
Sam Witwicky in the third movie, no contest. In the second movie he starts off as a total prick but does EARN his redemption at the end where I was once again on his side. In Dark Of The Moon... HOLY SHIT. He whines nonstop about no one respecting him and is Edward Cullen-levels of controlling towards his girlfriend. They try the redemption thing at the end, but fail miserably. Special shout out to Optimus in the third movie as well, because his only interest is vicious and graphic murder now.

5.  Which Movie Had The Best Villain?
Once again, villainy and Transformers don't go together. There is absolutely NO villain in the first movie, it's just a bunch of faceless goons the first TWO HOURS until Megatron shows up the last twenty minutes to do absolutely nothing. The second movie barely has a villain, as Megatron pops up briefly towards the middle to kill Optimus and then goes on to do nothing. The Fallen doesn't show up until the very end where he also... does nothing.

Fuck it, you know who the BEST villain of the trilogy is? Fucking Dr. McDreamy in the third movie. He gets the most screen time and actually does evil things, whereas Sentinel and Megatron just sit around and... DO NOTHING. Congrats McDreamy, your mustache twirling Bond villain bullshit outdid armies of gigantic evil robots hellbent on either killing or enslaving all of humanity.

6.  Which Movie Had The Worst Villain?
EASILY the first movie. You really could make the case that Frenzy was the Big Bad of that film.

7.  Which Movie Had The Best Love Interest?
Ha ha hah! Good one! Can I say Michael Bay's love for himself? Does that count? I think we're done here.

I won't be reviewing Age Of Extinction until it hits home video, and even then until I can find a used copy on eBay because Michael Bay will certainly never get a penny from me ever again after Pearl Harbor. That's really all I have to say about the Transformers trilogy, reviewing it right after reviewing the entire Twilight Saga has given me a sobering look into the world's view as it continues to dump billions into these franchises. I am absolutely worn down from taking a look at these bottom of the barrel franchises, the next feature on A Ghoul Versus... is going to be one that's actually been critically well received because bloody hell do I need a break.  And a drink.