Click here for the first half of Original Vs. Remake: Total Recall (1990)!
I honestly try to
keep an open mind when I watch a movie, no matter how much bad I
might have heard about it or what my preconceived notions of the
people making it are, because time after time I get proved violently
wrong.
“The crappy
actor from that stupid Knight's
Tale movie is going to play the
JOKER?!? FRANCHISE. RUINED.”
That being said,
Total Recall (2012)
sure did start off in the proverbial hole with me. Not only is it a
completely pointless remake (which I suppose adding the phrase
“completely pointless” is redundant when talking about remakes),
but it was brought to us by the brain children behind the abominable
Underworld
series AND Live Free Or Die Hard.
But I'm sure they at least got some good actors to star in- oh
Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale, eh? Yikes.
If you don't know,
Kate's husband, Len Wiseman, directed this! Don't worry though, I'm
sure she got a part in this movie based off her versatile, NOT AT ALL
one dimensional acting and no other reason. You know, just like her
AMAZING acting range got her the starring role in the Underworld
movies... a couple of which her
husband also directed. Hmmm.
Okay okay, well
what about Jessica Biel? She's a great actress with an impressive
body of work, right? Who can forget her epic performances in classic
films such as Summer Catch, Cellular, Stealth, and that Adam
Sandler movie where he pretends to be gay?
“But Ghoul,
they're both SO HAWT!!!!111!!!”. Because that's all a movie needs,
is just tons of eye candy in tight and/or revealing clothing in lieu
of a story or characterization or compelling characters or logic or- yeah, that's
probably enough foreshadowing. I suggest you get comfy, this could be
a long one. I give you A Ghoul Versus Total Recall (2012)!
(Note: this review
will be primarily for the Unrated Director's Cut, although I will
point out the major differences it had from the PG-13 version because
there are several big ones)
The film opens
with the logo of the production company behind this, Original Film.
Oh, the
irony. And
we're off to about as bad and lazy of a start as possible as we get
text screens to fill us in on the film's backstory!
At
the end of the 21st
century, global chemical warfare left the planet nearly
uninhabitable. Living space is now Earth's most valuable resource.
Only two territories remain:
the United Federation of Britain (the UFB) and the Colony (which is
Australia).
Workers from the Colony
travel through the planet each day on the only transport possible:
'The Fall'.
A bloodied Colin
Farrell awakens to Jessica Biel yelling at him to wake up. He finds
himself on the floor of a hospital room, Jessica being saying they
have little time before security arrives. They run down a hallway,
escaping into a locked room as a team of heavily armed men shoot at
them. I just want to note this entire scene is filmed in with AWFUL
strobe lights, slow motion, and TONS of lens flares.
They open a
window, but before they go out Colin tells Jessica he loves her and
they kiss. Unfortunately, this brilliant use of time results in a
single bullet piercing both of their hands as they try to climb out
said window. Colin gets captured as Jessica falls out the window to
freedom. Or not, it's all a
dream! Colin wakes up next to Kate Beckinsale in bed, which in 2012
was probably the best way in the world to wake up. This scene is very
similar to the original, as we learn this is a recurring dream he's
been having but here he's MUCH SMARTER than Arnold as he doesn't
mention there's another woman in the dream. Point
to the 2012 version. I doubt I'll be saying that a lot.
Kate tries to spin
his dream about him feeling trapped in their relationship or
whatever, but all I can focus on is the lens flares. Pssssst
Hollywood, STOP DOING THIS! IT MAKES NO SENSE FROM A FILM MAKING
STANDPOINT! They start making out as I realize why Colin agreed to
take this role, but then Kate gets a call that there's been a bombing
on a UFB train carried out by the resistance. She gets dressed as we
see she's a paramedic of some kind.
Colin watches a
news report about the bombing, the reporter believing it was carried
out by the resistance's leader Matthias. The play a voice clip of him
saying the Colony is tired of being exploited by the UFB and they
just want equality. He then drops his catchphrase “The Fall
Enslaves Us All”. Chancellor
Cohaagan- yes,
COHAAGAN. The news reports all spell it with an “A” instead of an
“E”, so EVERYONE is spelling it wrong, including the subtitles
AND credits of the movie. Let this level of consistency be an omen
for what is to come.
Cohaagan condemns Matthias
and his actions via recorded footage. The reporter goes on to talk
about the last bombing, which was only six weeks ago and was carried
out by a man named Carl Hauser. Hauser was a former intelligence
officer that turned traitor and is now the right hand man of
Matthias.
Director's Cut
Version: The TV shows an image of Hauser, who is played by Ethan
Hawke.
PG-13 Version:
There is no image of Hauser on the TV.
I admit I'm pretty
intrigued by this development, that Hauser appears to be a different
man than Colin, who still doesn't have a name yet. I'd assume he's
Quaid, but it's hard to say now after what we just saw. Also, HOLY
SHIT Cohaagan is played by Bryan Cranston! The movie definitely has
my interest so far, I'll gladly admit that.
Colin goes for a
walk through the city, and he must be living in the Colony because
the entire place is a dump. He sees a commercial for Rekall, which
seems identical to the original movie. He walks on, going through
body scanners that are a pale imitation of the x-ray scanners we all
know and love. He meets up with his friend Bokeem Woodbine, and BAM!
This movie just got a whole hell of a lot better, although it hasn't
been bad at all to begin with. With
the exception of the lens flares. I
feel bad for people whose eyes were subjected to this in a high def
theater.
They board the
Fall, which so far is just a room with a bunch of seats and invasive
nonsensical lens flares as far as the eye can see. We get a very
interesting scene where Colin tells Bokeem they've been sitting in
the same seats for years, so Bokeem suggests they switch it up by
sitting in different ones. This almost HAS to be an allusion to an
episode of the TV show Scrubs called “My Lucky Charm”,
which also featured two men experiencing the thrill of sitting in
different seats than they usually do. This episode just happened to
have a guest star by the name of one Colin Farrell.
The Fall is
revealed to be a gigantic elevator full of rooms that drops from the
Colony to UFB via a giant tube hollowed out through the Earth in
about 17 minutes. Through the center of the Earth. Where the molten
core should be. What is WITH the Total Recall franchise and
not understanding what a core is?! A news report
plays over the Fall that announces Cohaagan is no longer going to
give the Colony humanitarian aid because of today's bombing. He says
all of the money that went to aid will go into strengthening their
robotic police force, as using robots is a GREAT way to avoid having
to shoot people and earn that PG-13 rating. Although it is weird, as
we see they use plenty of human soldiers side-by-side with the robots
which kinda defeats the purpose but whatever. The Fall arrives at
UFB, which is just as lens flare-y as the Colony was unfortunately.
As they arrive for
work and get dressed in the lens flare-y locker room, Colin and
Bokeem pretty much recite the Rekall conversation from the original
movie word for word although Colin seems more determined to try it
out than Arnold was. We learn they work
at a factory that manufactures the robocops. They call them “police
synthetics” here, but screw it, they're robocops. Colin and Bokeem
talk in the locker room as they get dressed, a throwaway line of
dialogue alluding to humans living on Mars. It's never followed up on
again as this movie goes in a WAY different direction than the
original, but if humans are on Mars why is living space a concern at
all? The single line raises SO many questions I won't bothering going
into here because I know it's a waste of time... just like this
remake.
Colin, whom
finally gets named as Doug Quaid, is picked to train a new hire. As
they wield robocops, the rookie tells him Rekall is awesome as he was
eavesdropping on the conversation earlier. He gives him a business
card and tells him to ask for Mac.
Director's Cut
Version: Doug gets called to Human Resources where a man from the
Cohaagan administration is going over all the employees concerning
the bombing. When Doug realizes they're only interviewing people from
the Colony, he starts going off on profiling because all movies today
need heavy handed social commentary shoved down our throats.
PG-13 Version:
Colin gets called to Human Resources where he learns he's been passed
over for a promotion because he's from the Colony and the person that
beat him is UFB. Both of these Human Resources scenes are pretty
pointless because we already totally get the UFB is a bunch of
assholes.
The day over,
everyone boards the Fall to return to the Colony. I should note this
movie has also has a fetish for upside down shots because we get the
third such one here. It's because once the Fall hits a certain point
through its journey through the center of the Earth, gravity inverts
and... I don't know. There is absolutely no point in obsessing over
science in a Total Recall movie, BUT since they're playing
this movie straight so far it is a little more glaring here.
Which leads me to
the next point: how they're doing this movie. It's 100% serious like
all movies have to be nowadays, but I will say they're doing a good
job of it so far. It doesn't feel OVERLY bleak and joyless like Man Of Steel
or Robocop (2014)
did. The issue though is with the director, as Wiseman is yet ANOTHER
student of the “Good Movies Only Feature Monotone Characters Too
Cool To Show Emotion” school which has absolutely crippled the
industry. I expect this from Kate Beckinsale, but Colin Farrell is
soooooo much better than that. But no, Wiseman was totally happy with
him just sleepwalking his way through the entire movie and not even
attempting to show any kind of emotion. This, of course, makes
Colin's character one more participant in the endless parade of
cardboard cutouts trying to carry a movie. But
hey, check out his abs! That's WAY better than characterization,
right?!
Doug meets with
Bokeem in a bar, lines of dialogue confirming Bokeem is playing Harry
and Kate is playing Lori. Doug talks about how unhappy he is with his
life and his job, but Harry tells him things aren't so bad. I just
wonder how it's possible to have lens flares in the dark. Instead of going
home to his wife like Harry advised, Doug goes out to the seedy part
of town. Well, seedier considering the entire city is seedy. He
encounters the Mandated By Remake Law Three Breasted Hooker because
you KNEW they were going to have to shoehorn her into this thing
somehow. But they picked about the dumbest way possible because
there's NO BLOODY MUTANTS IN THIS MOVIE! Was she born with three
breasts? Is this some kind of bizarre elective surgery she had done?
Is this because of the chemical warfare?
Oh movie, why did you take
all the goodwill you've earned with me and set it on fire? Although I
do have to give them props for actually showing her breasts in both
versions, as we all know America considers bare nipples worse than
BRUTAL GRAPHIC SADISTIC VIOLENCE. Sadly though, this just means
millions
of American children will turn into serial killers because of this
scene.
Doug isn't
interested in her services though, he just wants directions to
Rekall. This time around Rekall is much less “high tech
corporation” and more “lens flare-y whorehouse”, which actually
works with the tone of the movie. He's taken to Mac, who is played by
a distractingly blonde John Cho. This scene also echoes the original
as Doug's eyes light up when he hears he can be a secret agent. In
addition to the film's opening, we've seen Doug reading a James Bond
book on the Fall so the idea he wants to be a spy is set up here much
better than it was with Arnold and I can't believe I just typed that.
As Mac sets up
Doug in the implant chair, he warns him none of the scenarios he
chose for his fantasy can be true because it would cause “irreparable
conflict and confusion” to his brain, but Doug assures him none of
the stuff he selected is. It's worth mentioning that as they drug up
Doug for the implant, the injection leaves a peace tattoo on his arm.
Which
seems really dumb for all those men who use this to cheat on their
wives. A tattoo wouldn't be a dead giveaway or anything...
Mac runs a psyche
profile just to be sure, and discovers Doug IS a spy. He pulls a gun
on his and demands why he's there as police suddenly burst in and
start shooting everyone up. Bloody hell that was abrupt! The police
surround Doug when his instincts kick in and he manages to kill them
all. It's very bloodless, but shot in a very interesting manner where
the camera keeps zooming in and out allowing us to actually follow
every death. If it weren't for all the lens flares blinding us I'd
almost say it was... awesome! He gets out of the building before a
second team can detain him.
He returns home to
Lori and their collection of lens flares, where she's watching a
report on the news about the Rekall shooting. He tells her what
happened, but she doesn't believe him and blames it all on Rekall.
She tries to comfort him by hugging him, but instead tries to
suffocate him. They erupt into a crazy fight, as Lori reveals she has
an EVIL British accent while she shoots at Doug. He gets the drop
on her, holding her own gun to her head and demanding she talk or
else he'll skip straight ahead to the “until death do us” part,
which is probably the closest we're going to get to “Consider that
a divorce” but once again... it works. You know what
DOESN'T work though? The remake STILL didn't fix one of the biggest
plotholes from the original: WHY didn't Cohaagan order his people NOT
to kill Doug? Why is their first instinct to always try to kill him?
What exactly did Cohaagan tell them when he put them on this detail?
She tells him
she's not his wife, which he calls bullshit on because they've been
married seven years. Really? We had to change that from eight years?
“I'm A Better Writer Than You!” Syndrome REPRESENT! She says
she's UFB police intel assigned to watch him, having only met him six
weeks ago. So we kept that time frame but had to change the years?
What does that accomplish besides irking fans of the original? I just
don't GET stuff like this.
He learns his
whole life is a life and that he's not even Douglas Quaid. He's
struggling trying to comprehend this as Lori quips “What can I say?
I give good wife.” which is so stupid it's actually hilarious. The
only problem is Beckinsale delivers the line so terrible, they REALLY
needed some crazy ass over-the-top actress in this role. Just
imagine Claire Danes playing Lori, that would have been AMAZING.
After some more
dialogue straight from the first movie, Lori tells him Cohaagan is
behind all of this and is trying to hide him from the resistance.
Before he can learn why, Lori disarms him and he's forced to jump out
a window... or something, their apartment layout is really confusing.
They engage in a very thrilling and well done chase sequence
throughout the roof tops and apartments of the city, although they
don't run through the bedroom of a couple having sex so I have to
take points off for that. Doug hides in an alley as his... hand
starts ringing? In the future phones are implanted into our hands?
That has
to make phone sex REALLY awkward.
He... answers it
somehow, a man named Hammond on the other end. We see how cell phone
in the future work, as Doug holds his hand onto a window and this
projects an image of the man he's talking to. That's... infinitely
stupid. So everyone can just see the person you're talking to then? Hammond warns him
they're tracking him through his phone hand, advising him to get rid
of it. He also says they used to work in the intel department
together, and Doug told him if he ever vanished to call him up and
tell him to “get the key”.
The Director's Cut
Version has an extra line where Doug learns his real name
is Harry before Hammond hangs up.
He then gets a
text message with the number of a safety deposit box at the First
Bank. A text message via his hand. How would you even- on second
thought, let's just let this one go. Doug breaks a glass bottle and
cuts the phone out of his hand, allowing him to avoid being tracked
anymore. Well, THAT was freaking lame when compared to how he removed
his bug in the original! Were
they even TRYING here? I didn't even come close to throwing up this
time!
Lori gets a call
from Cohaagan, who tells her and her team Doug is to be taken alive
for re-implantation. Gosh, should have told her that in the FIRST
place there Heisenberg. Lori asks why Doug is so important and he
tells her, but tells her in private so we only get the conversation
from her perspective. She reacts with pure shock and horror,
demanding to know why Doug is still alive. After hanging up
with him she tells his team Doug is to be killed on sight. When one
of her men points out what Cohaagan says she's all “Blah blah blah,
we're doing it my way 'cos I'm a bad ass bitch!”. She is just
ruining this movie every time she talks.
Director's Cut
Version: Doug goes to the bank to get the safe deposit box, but they
tell him they need a signature which is WEIRD. In the original Arnold
have his thumb print read on a scanner to confirm his identity which
is nice and futuristic, but in this movie they still use handwritten
signatures? But I guess this was the only way they could think of to
reveal the rest of Doug's real name, as Doug hesitates to sign the
form so the teller asks “Is there a problem, Mr. Reed?”.
PG-13 Version:
They omit all of this, as we cut to Doug opening the safe deposit
box.
Inside the box
Doug finds multiple passports for three different men, including one
named Harry Reed which looks nothing like him. He also finds a
strange silver collar and tons of money. The money features Obama on
it, so I guess after he was done being the U.S. President he went on
to become the Prime Minister of England or something? Continuing to
search, he finds a small black rectangular shape that does nothing
and the crown jewel: a video recording from himself.
The recording is
of himself barricading himself into a hospital room and quickly
talking into a camera while guards try to break into the room. He
says if he's watching this it means he was captured and had his
memories erased, and that nothing he remembers is real. He gives him
the address of his apartment, telling him to go there. The Director's
Cut version has an extra line where he says his face has been
resculpted into the handsome mug of Colin Farrell.
We shift to the
UFB, where passengers are arriving via the Fall. A woman dressed very
similar to the one Arnold masqueraded as in the first movie steps
through the scanner when a guard yells out “Hold it!”. But it
turns out he wasn't talking to her, but an Asian man behind her that
just happens to match one of the men from Doug's passport collection.
The woman moves on to her counter, where she tells the attendant
she'll be staying in the area for two weeks. Ha hah! If you MUST do a
remake, this is how you should do it. Gotta give them clever points
for this one.
We're shown the
collar is a holographic projector, as that's how Doug was able to
impersonate the Asian man. The collar malfunctions pretty quickly,
revealing his identity to the guards. A fight scene breaks out, which
is probably the highlight of the movie as Doug punches one guard's
head THROUGH a glass window. Epic! For some reason Lori is now
suddenly here, leading the pursuit of her “husband”. He escapes outside
to the highway, which is full of hover cars. Luckily one stops for
him and it just happens to be Jessica Biel. She says she was able to
find him because she was monitoring the police scanners, so at least
her sudden appearance makes sense. This leads to a pretty thrilling
hovercar chase sequences that ends with Doug and Jessica escaping
Lori and the robocops. They go to the address Doug gave himself, Doug
searching his place for answers but finds nothing.
He finally sits
down at a piano, which echoes a conversation he had with Harry
earlier where he wished he could play the piano. He starts playing,
and to his surprise, can play really well. As he plays he
finds one of the keys is broken, which jolts something in his head as
he realizes what the black shape in the safe deposit box is. He
switches it out with the broken key and finishes his song, which
queues up a hologram atop the piano.
Director's Cut
Version: the hologram is of the Henry Reed from the passport, who
takes off a hologram collar to reveal himself as Carl Hauser. The
hologram says it has, and I quote, “limited interactive
capabilities” so Doug is able to question it as if he were talking
to a person. Um... no?
I don't even- how would... so apparently Hauser took the time to program this recording with ALL of his memories and give it the ability to answer questions based off them. Does that mean if Doug asked him what his favourite flavour of Skittles had been, it'd have been able to answer that? What was wrong with, y'know, just having a recording that told him what he needed to know? We had to go with “clever” instead? And by clever, I mean stupid.
Ugh. Hauser says
he was a top intelligence agent assigned by Cohaagan to infiltrate
the resistance and kill Matthias, but instead he met a woman who
convinced him he was fighting for the wrong side. Cohaagan is
actually the one behind the bombings, as he's killing his own people
to justify the increased production of the robocops so he can have a
private army to invade the Colony for their valuable SPACE.
Click here for Part 2!
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