A Ghoul Versus Ethan Hawke's Getaway

"I hope you freaking love car chases."

Ethan Hawke has been acting for nearly thirty years now, accumulating a massive filmography of virtually every genre in that time. He's kind of become the king of “Hey! It's That Guy” roles as he's not the flashiest actor but is among the most consistent as he always gives a solid performance. He has starred in many great films, including Ghoul favourite Gattaca, Before Sunrise, and the criminally underrated Lord Of War.

Naturally though, we're not here to talk about any of these. Last year he starred in today's film Getaway, which scored a whopping TWO PERCENT on Rotten Tomatoes. TWO PERCENT. To put that accomplishment in perspective, critically reviled films like Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen somehow managed to scrape a nineteen percent, while the worst film of the 2000s, Battlefield Earth, nailed a three percent. Hell, even the legendary terrible Rob Reiner film North got a fifteen percent rating.

How did Getaway become one of the worst reviewed films of all time? That's what we're here to find out, so take a seat in a pimped out Shelby GT and get ready for A Ghoul Versus Ethan Hawke's Getaway!

A Ghoul Versus Transformers (2007) Part 3

Click here for Part 2!

The Decepticons attack the dam while Frenzy cuts the cryogenics keeping Megatron frozen. We see the Autobots driving towards the battle and I know I should be excited, but I can't help but notice there's still FORTY MINUTES of film left. I'm terrified Bay is going to try to make up with putting us to sleep with boring humans by putting us to sleep with a lethal overdose of action in the Big Dumb Ending we can all sense on the horizon.

Sector Seven releases Bumblebee, who goes to the Cube and shrinks it down to a more manageable handheld size just by touching it because THAT makes sense. Lennox makes a plan to have him move the Cube to a nearby city before Megatron thaws in an attempt to keep it as far away from the Decepticon as possible.  We get introduced to Big Bad minutes later, as he breaks free of his prison by transforming into a jet and flying outside where he runs into Starscream I THINK. The camera keeps cutting between their faces as they talk, and they look SO DAMN SIMILIAR for all I know Megatron is doing his best Smeagol/Gollum impersonation.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers (2007) Part 2

Click here for Part 1!

Sam starts running but Barricade SMASHES him into a nearby car in a blow that would have killed anyone else, but fortunately Sam had his Main Character Forcefield turned on. He runs some more, just happening to run into Mikaela who is riding her scooter in the area. For some reason he TACKLES HER hard to the ground... so she can also almost get killed by Barricade? Bumblebee, who was off grabbing a smoke during all of this I guess, pops back into frame so the two teenagers can get in and I smell a MICHAEL BAY CAR CHASE!

...or not, they turn into their robot forms and duke it out instead. The fact Michael Bay had the green light for a ridiculously overblown chase scene and PASSED is on my short ballot for “Most Shocking Moment In Movie History”. Their fight is (sing along with me!) totally incomprehensible to tell who begins where and who is hitting who, so let's catch up with Sam and Mikaela who are being chased by Frenzy.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers (2007) Part 1

“You are so defensive! Were you masturbating?”

Why does everyone hate Michael Bay so much? It's just jealousy, right? I mean, his films have made over SIX BILLION DOLLARS worldwide so that's way too popular to not hate on. But no, the Harry Potter films have made almost EIGHT BILLION and they don't get much hatedom...  I got it! It's because they're filled with mindless action full of car chases and explosions, that HAS to be the reason- Hmm, that can also describe the Fast and the Furious franchise and despite making almost three billion dollars I don't see that series brought up every time someone brings up the Death of Cinema...

Personally, I think it's because people feel betrayed by Michael Bay. He gets these ridiculously high budgets that most movies can only dream of, always gets the cream of the crop actors in Hollywood and then turns out something so completely forgettable, generic, and over the top (in the negative aspect of the term) that people walk away severely disappointed. It's happened time after time, and judging by reaction to his latest movie (Transformers: Age of Extinction) is STILL happening.