A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Previously on The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1...

Director Rob Condon opened the Gates of Hell to give us this abomination of all that is good and holy in the world: Renesmee. Also, what can laughingly be called the narrative of Twilight started smoking meth and doing bath salts while shooting up with Edward's favourite drug, heroin. It only gets worse from here folks. Let's rip the head off The Twilight Saga once and for all as it's time for A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2!

The movie opens with a LOT of landscape footage porn as we all anxiously await Bella to start narrating another emo poem she wrote in the sixth grade. And wait. And wait... Jesus, did I throw in Prometheus by mistake? We cut to a lot of closeups of Bella's face and eyes as she... looks around. THRILLING!  Edward starts talking to her- BULLSHIT! Where is my endless boring narration by Bella “I Live Up My Own Ass” Swan?! We're not even five minutes in yet and I'm already pissed off. I wanted to see a TWILIGHT movie, not whatever the hell this is.

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Previously on The Twilight Saga: Eclipse...

The people who helped this film earn almost $700 million dollars set the human race back at least three decades, but I'm going to say five for good measure. No, you want a summary? Alright here it is: remember at the end of New Moon when Bella chose Edward over Jacob? Well, she didn't SUPERCHOOSE Edward because she spent the entirety of Eclipse doing it again. The end. They mixed in a whole bunch of boring nonsense about Bella marrying Edward so he'll make her a zzzZZZzzz... I fell asleep just thinking about it.

To their credit, they DID resolve the epic Victoria saga that was a whopping THREE FILMS IN THE MAKING. Oh you remember the legendary Victoria saga, don't you? Who can forget her memorable debut in the first movie where she was on screen for about five minutes and said I think three lines? How about the second movie, where she ran from some werewolves for a quick music video? This was so worth the well crafted payoff of the last movie, where she put in nearly TEN MINUTES of screen time before getting her head torn off. Hmm... doesn't sound as compelling when you actually type it all out.

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

Jacob brushes this off though, and runs off to join up with Sam and the rest of the Shirtless. Later Bella decides to go for a hike in the woods, because that turned out SO well last time. Hey this time's even better, as she runs into Laurent! He's not quite the helpful person he was last time, as he's here as a favour to Victoria to see if she's still under Cullen protection. He decides to just kill her himself since there isn't a Cullen in sight. Well, a REAL Cullen that is as Hallucination Edward pops back up to advise Bella how to deal with the vampire.

It doesn't work, Laurent about to kill Edward when a group of GIGANTIC and OH SO FAKE LOOKING CGI wolves appear and chase him away. Bella escapes, heading back home. Jacobs soon shows up, and this is almost exactly like the first movie. Edward/Jacob tells Bella they can't be friends, but then next scene goes to talk to her. Sigh.

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Part 1)

Previously on The Twilight Saga: Twilight...

Human mannequin Bella Swan falls in lust with psychopathic vampire Edward Cullen. She wants him to make her a vampire so they can be together forever, but he refuses because she's a psycho hose beast that makes HIM look tame by comparison. Also, they kill a rival vampire named James and his girlfriend Victoria vows revenge. Wow, it took them two hours to tell that story.

Like I said in the last review, the first Twilight was a huge smash and the second it was done Summit Entertainment got to work on turning the second book of the series into their next blockbuster film. Director of the first film Catherine Hardwicke had to drop out due to “timing conflicts”, so they brought in Chris Weitz to helm the project. A baffling choice, as Chris Weitz was fresh off the HORRIBLE book adaption of The Golden Compass, something I can never understate how WRONG it was. A review might be forthcoming, but then that'd require having to watch that again so I'm torn.

But it didn't seem to matter as New Moon ended up being an even BIGGER hit than Twilight and nearly DOUBLED its worldwide gross at a jaw-dropping $700 million dollars. That means this one HAS to be good, right? The answer shall be revealed as it's for A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: New Moon!