A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Previously on The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1...

Director Rob Condon opened the Gates of Hell to give us this abomination of all that is good and holy in the world: Renesmee. Also, what can laughingly be called the narrative of Twilight started smoking meth and doing bath salts while shooting up with Edward's favourite drug, heroin. It only gets worse from here folks. Let's rip the head off The Twilight Saga once and for all as it's time for A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2!

The movie opens with a LOT of landscape footage porn as we all anxiously await Bella to start narrating another emo poem she wrote in the sixth grade. And wait. And wait... Jesus, did I throw in Prometheus by mistake? We cut to a lot of closeups of Bella's face and eyes as she... looks around. THRILLING!  Edward starts talking to her- BULLSHIT! Where is my endless boring narration by Bella “I Live Up My Own Ass” Swan?! We're not even five minutes in yet and I'm already pissed off. I wanted to see a TWILIGHT movie, not whatever the hell this is.

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Previously on The Twilight Saga: Eclipse...

The people who helped this film earn almost $700 million dollars set the human race back at least three decades, but I'm going to say five for good measure. No, you want a summary? Alright here it is: remember at the end of New Moon when Bella chose Edward over Jacob? Well, she didn't SUPERCHOOSE Edward because she spent the entirety of Eclipse doing it again. The end. They mixed in a whole bunch of boring nonsense about Bella marrying Edward so he'll make her a zzzZZZzzz... I fell asleep just thinking about it.

To their credit, they DID resolve the epic Victoria saga that was a whopping THREE FILMS IN THE MAKING. Oh you remember the legendary Victoria saga, don't you? Who can forget her memorable debut in the first movie where she was on screen for about five minutes and said I think three lines? How about the second movie, where she ran from some werewolves for a quick music video? This was so worth the well crafted payoff of the last movie, where she put in nearly TEN MINUTES of screen time before getting her head torn off. Hmm... doesn't sound as compelling when you actually type it all out.

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

Back to Seattle to see some more newborn vampire destruction. This time we see the Volturi- and no, Aro isn't here so it sucks- watching them. And that's the scene. I should note Dakota Fanning looks SO BORED, and boy do I feel her pain.  We go to the Forks High School Graduation, where Jessica is giving the valedictorian speech. Wait, JESSICA? The character who's been portrayed as an absolute rambling airhead for the past three movies? As opposed to Angela, who has always been super intelligent and very eloquent?

The post-graduation party is held at the Cullens', which gets crashed by Jacob and his friends. Bella immediately asks him to leave, y'know, cos of all the date rape stuff but he apologizes because he didn't REALLY mean to do it so it's all okay! And just to show that he's really really sorry, he gives her a bracelet he made which she gushes over because it so SHINY AND PRETTY! All is instantly forgiven!  I really hope all you ladies are taking notes, a guy can touch you against your will all he wants but as long as he says he was sorry and gives you a gift, it's all TOTALLY OKAY. Thanks Stephenie Meyer!

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Part 1)

Previously on The Twilight Saga: New Moon...

Edward worried that if he kept seeing his beloved Bella it would lead to her death, so he ditched her. Being totally codependent upon a man to even function, Bella went into a coma for three months before remembering there are other men she could totally be using to boost her self esteem so she targeted Jacob Black and started leading him on HARDCORE.

However it turns out Jacob is a werewolf in one of the CLUMSIEST allegories for homosexuality ever tackled in the history of fiction, as... actually nothing. What WAS the point of introducing the werewolves? It's not like it added ANYTHING to the Bella/Jacob dynamic at this point, as Edward was out of the picture. Huh.  Oh, anyway Bella was full on looney tunes at this point and started hallucinating visions of Edward whenever she risked her life... it just struck me how INCREDIBLY stupid these movies are when you break them down like this.

Alright, alright. Due to a misunderstanding ripped out of a 1970s sitcom Edward thinks Bella is dead and is going to kill himself by pissing off the unofficial lords of the vampires. Bella intervenes, the vampires agreeing to spare the Cullens if Bella becomes a vampire. Edward only agrees to make Bella a vampire if she'll marry him.

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

Jacob brushes this off though, and runs off to join up with Sam and the rest of the Shirtless. Later Bella decides to go for a hike in the woods, because that turned out SO well last time. Hey this time's even better, as she runs into Laurent! He's not quite the helpful person he was last time, as he's here as a favour to Victoria to see if she's still under Cullen protection. He decides to just kill her himself since there isn't a Cullen in sight. Well, a REAL Cullen that is as Hallucination Edward pops back up to advise Bella how to deal with the vampire.

It doesn't work, Laurent about to kill Edward when a group of GIGANTIC and OH SO FAKE LOOKING CGI wolves appear and chase him away. Bella escapes, heading back home. Jacobs soon shows up, and this is almost exactly like the first movie. Edward/Jacob tells Bella they can't be friends, but then next scene goes to talk to her. Sigh.

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Part 1)

Previously on The Twilight Saga: Twilight...

Human mannequin Bella Swan falls in lust with psychopathic vampire Edward Cullen. She wants him to make her a vampire so they can be together forever, but he refuses because she's a psycho hose beast that makes HIM look tame by comparison. Also, they kill a rival vampire named James and his girlfriend Victoria vows revenge. Wow, it took them two hours to tell that story.

Like I said in the last review, the first Twilight was a huge smash and the second it was done Summit Entertainment got to work on turning the second book of the series into their next blockbuster film. Director of the first film Catherine Hardwicke had to drop out due to “timing conflicts”, so they brought in Chris Weitz to helm the project. A baffling choice, as Chris Weitz was fresh off the HORRIBLE book adaption of The Golden Compass, something I can never understate how WRONG it was. A review might be forthcoming, but then that'd require having to watch that again so I'm torn.

But it didn't seem to matter as New Moon ended up being an even BIGGER hit than Twilight and nearly DOUBLED its worldwide gross at a jaw-dropping $700 million dollars. That means this one HAS to be good, right? The answer shall be revealed as it's for A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: New Moon!

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Twilight (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

In fifty years when Stephenie Meyer reveals she wrote this whole series just to troll people and secretly make fun of anyone who said they loved it, I'm going to nod approvingly. I've talked a lot in the past about Hollywood romances NOT being based off any kind of love but instead just physical lust masquerading as love. You can go through every movie in the HISTORY of film and not find a better example than Twilight.

+Bella sees Edward and gets all quivery in the knees because he is TOTES HAWT

+Edward treats Bella like complete shit but keeps talking to her because she is TOTES HAWT
+Edward saves Bella's life but keeps treating her like shit. She's okay with that because he's TOTES HAWT
+Edward warns Bella to stay away from him but keeps talking to her because she is TOTES HAWT
+Edward saves Bella's life again and warns her to stay away from him again. She's okay with that because he's TOTES HAWT
+Edward is still TOTES HAWT
+Bella is still TOTES HAWT
=THEY'RE IN LOVE!

A Ghoul Versus The Twilight Saga: Twilight (Part 1)

"Uh-oh, you knew this one was coming..."

The Twilight Saga! What more can you say? Critically reviled... porn for teenage girls... the death of cinema... pretty much every negative label you think of to put on a film, these movies have worn it. But they've also grossed over a THREE BILLION DOLLARS worldwide, so obviously a FEW people must like them.

Author Stephenie Meyer finished writing the first Twilight novel in 2003, and it was immediately the subject of a bidding war between numerous publishing companies. Everyone involved could sense the story was special, and had the potential to compete with the juggernaut that was Harry Potter (the fifth novel of that series had come out a few months prior) to become the Next Big Thing.

A little known fact is that during the book's journey to getting published, its film rights were bought by MTV in 2004. MTV being, well MTV, planned to radically change the movie to the point where Bella was doing to be a flashy track star who loved rap. Which actually sounds just about right given the quality of their products... COUGH COUGH Teen Wolf COUGH COUGH.