A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Part 4)

Click here for Part 3!

Soundwave oversees the captured Autobots when Dylan wanders in and points out how stupid it is to keep them alive. Soundwave getting schooled by a shitty actor is quite possibly the saddest thing I've seen in this entire series of character degradation. Soundwave advances on Que, the Transformer's resident genius and weapon designer, who begs for mercy as he points out they've surrendered. But because only a TOTAL FUCKING MONSTER would execute someone who has surrendered, Shockwave has him killed.

Bumblebee is next, but right before Shockwave can kill him Wheelie and Brains intervene by dropping ships on top of the Decepticon. The Autobots use this distraction to kill their captors, Bumblebee punching off Soundwave's head Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots style.  Optimus begins killing his way towards Sentinel, ripping off Shockwave's head and screaming “YOU DIE!”. Hopefully they're setting up Optimus to turn into the power hungry villain with Megatron forced to turn into the good guy to stop him, otherwise this is just straight fucked up.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Part 3)

Click here for Part 2!

Sam and Carly try to leave in the car Dylan gave her, but OF COURSE it's a Decepticon and ejects Sam from the car. Dylan goes full James Bond Villain on us as he reveal his company has been dealing with the Decepticons since 1972 which now makes me wonder why did it take them SO LONG to find Megatron if they've been in the thick of things on Earth for at least forty years now? You can't honestly tell me it took them that long to start hacking national databases for any information on their leader. It's almost like... NO ONE GAVE THIS A SINGLE FUCKING THOUGHT BECAUSE IT WASN'T BOOBS OR AN EXPLOSION.

And now A Ghoul Presents: a special look inside the Ehren Kruger writing process! “...Dylan's father began working for the Decepticons in 1972 blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda yadda no one cares... Carly Spencer steps into frame and she's looking SO FUCKING HOT! Her dress is tightly stretched across her lithe body as she walks in slow motion...”

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

The Autobots explore the Ark, finding Sentinel Prime and some artifacts called the pillars. Well, that was fun! Let's see as Sam and Carly eat dinner- wha? No, we're in Africa instead. We see a giant rugged truck transform into a robot... wearing a desert cloak. Do you know how BIG that thing would have to be? Where did he get that? Did he knit it?

Whoa, that's Megatron! We see he's living in a little shanty town with the rest of his cohorts. WHY is Megatron still staying on Earth when he has that massive Deception base back on Saturn where they were growing the Fetus Farms? Did it just magically blow up when the Fallen was killed? Where did Megatron get a cloak that big?!?

Soundwave stops by to be awesome, and they're still going with Frank Welker's Dr. Claw voice instead of the animated Soundwave one. Not complaining though, just pointing it out. Soundwave and Laserbeak report their scheme was a success, the Autobots took the bait and have returned to Earth with the cargo from the Ark. Megatron is pleased, ordering Laserbeak to kill the rest of their human collaborators.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Part 1)

Previously on Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen...

I literally have no idea how to approach what happened. When you actually read out everything that happened, it's all just a bunch of nonsense that is loosely edited together to form a borderline nonexistent story.  A story that somehow spanned 17,000 years to tell us the tale of the Fallen, the true leader of the Decepticons who cooked up a plan to turn the sun into energy for his armies. Megatron ends up killing Optimus in a scene that probably should have felt more epic, but these movies have gone out of their way to establish that as long as you're on the movie poster death is totally irrelevant to you. Which reminds me, I do NOT like Ironhide's chances in this one.

Case in point, Sam Witwicky also ends up dying and going to Robo-Heaven, where Autobot Angels resurrect him and give him the means to save the day. Sam is able to revive Optimus, who fixes things the only way he knows how: brutal murder.  Strangely enough I did enjoy the movie much more than I did the first one, something I can only assume is due to the inclusion of with Ehren Kruger who balanced out the rambling nonsense of Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman. With Dark Of The Moon, Kruger has solo writing duty so that should mean I'll REALLY like this one right?  Right?  Hmmm. A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon!