A Ghoul Versus The 35th Annual Razzie Awards

Tonight are the 87^th Academy Awards, in which the best and brightest of the film industry are honoured with the much coveted golden Oscar statues. The Golden Raspberry Awards are the antithesis of this as they honour the worst and the stupidest the industry churns out with cheaply made awards called the Razzies. Begun in 1981 by publicist John J.B. Wilson, they originally were held in the living room of his house but gradually grew in scope over the years until they commanded their own theater attended by hundreds. Even some of Hollywood's biggest stars have shown up to claim their awards, including Ben Affleck, Sandra Bullock, and Halle Berry.

As is the tradition, the Razzies are always held the night before the Oscars and thus the 35^th annual show just went down yesterday. You may recall many, many moons ago I predicted the abominable Robocop remake was going to rack up the nominations in the same manner it racked up my complete disdain. I'm always a big enough zombie to admit when I was wrong, but even I was shocked at how wrong I was. Robocop didn't even score a SINGLE nomination, not even in Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, Or Sequel. Fucking REALLY, Razzies? Did they not see that movie? The Razzies have always had a reputation for picking on what's really popular to hate, hence why Michael Bay and Adam Sandler always do quite well come award season, but to not even give Robocop acknowledgment of any kind? Pitiful. What did win for 2014?

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

Optimus and Galvatron start duking it out, giving us another taste of the Autobot leader's legendary wisdom: “YOU DIE!”. Oh Optimus, you so crazy... and homicidal. Shit starts getting real when Lockdown's ship MAGICALLY APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE and fires rockets into Optimus. Seriously, that ship HAS to have teleportation abilities because I question how no one would have noticed a thing that big landing nearby. Lockdown emerges as slow motiony as his frame will allow, upping the slow motion shots in this movie to probably DOUBLE the entire original trilogy. He takes out Optimus with a volley of cannon blasts, announcing he has been sent by Optimus' creators to return him to where he was created. His... creators? But I thought the AllSpark- on second thought, I'll just let this play out because I KNOW there's more coming.

Lockdown deploys a giant net to not only catch Optimus, but the car he's resting his head on. This is important because Tessa is hiding in the car despite having multiple chances to leave. She's not the brightest explosion in the Michael Bay pyrotechnics pack, is she? Lockdown hauls them into his ship and takes off, leaving us to wonder how the net got underneath Optimus and the car to scoop them up? Why the hell wouldn't Lockdown's ship have a freaking tractor beam anyway?!

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Part 1)

Previously on Transformers: Dark of the Moon...

Wait, what? The new movie is out already?! Dammit... alright, I'll play. The original leader of the Autobots, Sentinel Prime, was secretly in cahoots with Megatron to save their race from dying so they cooked up an extremely convoluted plan to- rhaaargh!  This is futile, as virtually EVERYONE from the original trilogy is gone and this new movie skips ahead five years to really put some distance from the last one. Honestly, they should have just rebooted the series instead of trying to build off three movies of some of the repulsive garbage ever recorded by a camera outside of whatever E! TV is currently airing.

It's the first October on A Ghoul Versus..., which SHOULD mean I review awesomely bad horror movies but unfortunately I “lucked” into a copy of Michael Bay's latest middle finger to competent movie making: Age of Extinction. Morbid curiosity won out over the stack of horror movies I've been stockpiling, so let's once again reluctantly return to the world of Bayformers, the land that intelligence forgot. A disturbing world where the heroes solve their problems by committing graphic murder, women don't know what clothes are, and- actually, that's about it. Grab your gun that looks like a sword and is human sized for some reason, get a bunch of snacks because this movie is sadly almost three hours long, and get ready for A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Age Of Extinction!

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Part 4)

Click here for Part 3!

Soundwave oversees the captured Autobots when Dylan wanders in and points out how stupid it is to keep them alive. Soundwave getting schooled by a shitty actor is quite possibly the saddest thing I've seen in this entire series of character degradation. Soundwave advances on Que, the Transformer's resident genius and weapon designer, who begs for mercy as he points out they've surrendered. But because only a TOTAL FUCKING MONSTER would execute someone who has surrendered, Shockwave has him killed.

Bumblebee is next, but right before Shockwave can kill him Wheelie and Brains intervene by dropping ships on top of the Decepticon. The Autobots use this distraction to kill their captors, Bumblebee punching off Soundwave's head Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots style.  Optimus begins killing his way towards Sentinel, ripping off Shockwave's head and screaming “YOU DIE!”. Hopefully they're setting up Optimus to turn into the power hungry villain with Megatron forced to turn into the good guy to stop him, otherwise this is just straight fucked up.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Part 3)

Click here for Part 2!

Sam and Carly try to leave in the car Dylan gave her, but OF COURSE it's a Decepticon and ejects Sam from the car. Dylan goes full James Bond Villain on us as he reveal his company has been dealing with the Decepticons since 1972 which now makes me wonder why did it take them SO LONG to find Megatron if they've been in the thick of things on Earth for at least forty years now? You can't honestly tell me it took them that long to start hacking national databases for any information on their leader. It's almost like... NO ONE GAVE THIS A SINGLE FUCKING THOUGHT BECAUSE IT WASN'T BOOBS OR AN EXPLOSION.

And now A Ghoul Presents: a special look inside the Ehren Kruger writing process! “...Dylan's father began working for the Decepticons in 1972 blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda yadda no one cares... Carly Spencer steps into frame and she's looking SO FUCKING HOT! Her dress is tightly stretched across her lithe body as she walks in slow motion...”

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

The Autobots explore the Ark, finding Sentinel Prime and some artifacts called the pillars. Well, that was fun! Let's see as Sam and Carly eat dinner- wha? No, we're in Africa instead. We see a giant rugged truck transform into a robot... wearing a desert cloak. Do you know how BIG that thing would have to be? Where did he get that? Did he knit it?

Whoa, that's Megatron! We see he's living in a little shanty town with the rest of his cohorts. WHY is Megatron still staying on Earth when he has that massive Deception base back on Saturn where they were growing the Fetus Farms? Did it just magically blow up when the Fallen was killed? Where did Megatron get a cloak that big?!?

Soundwave stops by to be awesome, and they're still going with Frank Welker's Dr. Claw voice instead of the animated Soundwave one. Not complaining though, just pointing it out. Soundwave and Laserbeak report their scheme was a success, the Autobots took the bait and have returned to Earth with the cargo from the Ark. Megatron is pleased, ordering Laserbeak to kill the rest of their human collaborators.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Part 1)

Previously on Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen...

I literally have no idea how to approach what happened. When you actually read out everything that happened, it's all just a bunch of nonsense that is loosely edited together to form a borderline nonexistent story.  A story that somehow spanned 17,000 years to tell us the tale of the Fallen, the true leader of the Decepticons who cooked up a plan to turn the sun into energy for his armies. Megatron ends up killing Optimus in a scene that probably should have felt more epic, but these movies have gone out of their way to establish that as long as you're on the movie poster death is totally irrelevant to you. Which reminds me, I do NOT like Ironhide's chances in this one.

Case in point, Sam Witwicky also ends up dying and going to Robo-Heaven, where Autobot Angels resurrect him and give him the means to save the day. Sam is able to revive Optimus, who fixes things the only way he knows how: brutal murder.  Strangely enough I did enjoy the movie much more than I did the first one, something I can only assume is due to the inclusion of with Ehren Kruger who balanced out the rambling nonsense of Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman. With Dark Of The Moon, Kruger has solo writing duty so that should mean I'll REALLY like this one right?  Right?  Hmmm. A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Dark Of The Moon!

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Part 3)

Click here for Part 2!

Sam asks why they're in Egypt, Jetfire telling him because his ancestors traveled to Earth “millennia ago” to search for Energon. This was like 19,000 some years ago which would make this BEFORE the All Spark was lost in space. The All Spark just creates life, it doesn't nourish it? In the first film what was Megatron planning to do when his new army was going to need energy? Also in this film we see the Decepticons are growing new ones without the All Spark, so why did they even NEED it in the first place?

And what about the Primes? Were they all Decepticons? That can't be, because Optimus is a Prime. How does one become a Prime then? Are you created one or is it something you have to upgrade to? WHAT EXACTLY IS A PRIME?! How come nothing in this movie makes any sense when you stop to think about it?  Jetfire begins to go off on another tangent about nothing, Simmons interrupting him with what is probably the most unintentionally profound line of the ENTIRE franchise:

“Beginning, middle, end. Facts. Details. Condense. Plot. Tell it.”

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

The film also sets up ANOTHER subplot about the Decepticons trying to grow one of the Fetus Farms from the Matrix on their base, but don't have enough energy supplies to feed the hatchlings so they keep dying. They're... they're GROWING robots? Metal can actually grow and mature now?

Back on Earth, Sam attends an astronomy class which is presided over by Rainn Wilson in a horribly distracting cameo. He spends most of his screen time flirting with his attractive female students, because THAT'S totally appropriate. But I guess it's okay, because the women are all very turned on by him. Michael Bay!

Sam goes into another trance, reading his entire book in seconds and going up to the front of the class to write spout off tons of bullshit techtalk. Professor Dwight tells Sam he will NOT be upstaged in front of the Dean of the school- hold on. The fucking Dean has been there the whole time while he was hitting on his students?! I thought Sam was going to college somewhere in Philadelphia, not Duke University.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (Part 1)

Previously on Transformers...

At least twelve thousand years ago the Transformers did fight,

their epic battle caused the All Spark to go out of sight,

Megatron couldn't Let It Go and got himself Frozen,

he was found by Captain Witwicky who became the chosen,

the Decepticons searched for the good Captain's knowledge,

hacking their way around the world and causing much carnage,

they traced it to his great-great-grandson Sam Witwicky,

who was unknowingly under the protection of the mute Bumblebee,

Sam had problems of his own as he longed for the fair Mikaela's hand,

for she was prettiest in the land and her boobies were quite tanned,

Optimus Prime showed up to become the ultimate wingman,

revealing only Sam could save the world and stop the giant iceman,

a bunch of horribly stupid comedy and other bullshit did ensue,

including an appearance from John Turturro whom I fear has gone cuckoo,

finally young Samuel embraced his destiny and saved the day,

and now I am somewhat dumber all thanks to Michael Bay.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers (2007) Part 3

Click here for Part 2!

The Decepticons attack the dam while Frenzy cuts the cryogenics keeping Megatron frozen. We see the Autobots driving towards the battle and I know I should be excited, but I can't help but notice there's still FORTY MINUTES of film left. I'm terrified Bay is going to try to make up with putting us to sleep with boring humans by putting us to sleep with a lethal overdose of action in the Big Dumb Ending we can all sense on the horizon.

Sector Seven releases Bumblebee, who goes to the Cube and shrinks it down to a more manageable handheld size just by touching it because THAT makes sense. Lennox makes a plan to have him move the Cube to a nearby city before Megatron thaws in an attempt to keep it as far away from the Decepticon as possible.  We get introduced to Big Bad minutes later, as he breaks free of his prison by transforming into a jet and flying outside where he runs into Starscream I THINK. The camera keeps cutting between their faces as they talk, and they look SO DAMN SIMILIAR for all I know Megatron is doing his best Smeagol/Gollum impersonation.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers (2007) Part 2

Click here for Part 1!

Sam starts running but Barricade SMASHES him into a nearby car in a blow that would have killed anyone else, but fortunately Sam had his Main Character Forcefield turned on. He runs some more, just happening to run into Mikaela who is riding her scooter in the area. For some reason he TACKLES HER hard to the ground... so she can also almost get killed by Barricade? Bumblebee, who was off grabbing a smoke during all of this I guess, pops back into frame so the two teenagers can get in and I smell a MICHAEL BAY CAR CHASE!

...or not, they turn into their robot forms and duke it out instead. The fact Michael Bay had the green light for a ridiculously overblown chase scene and PASSED is on my short ballot for “Most Shocking Moment In Movie History”. Their fight is (sing along with me!) totally incomprehensible to tell who begins where and who is hitting who, so let's catch up with Sam and Mikaela who are being chased by Frenzy.

A Ghoul Versus Transformers (2007) Part 1

“You are so defensive! Were you masturbating?”

Why does everyone hate Michael Bay so much? It's just jealousy, right? I mean, his films have made over SIX BILLION DOLLARS worldwide so that's way too popular to not hate on. But no, the Harry Potter films have made almost EIGHT BILLION and they don't get much hatedom...  I got it! It's because they're filled with mindless action full of car chases and explosions, that HAS to be the reason- Hmm, that can also describe the Fast and the Furious franchise and despite making almost three billion dollars I don't see that series brought up every time someone brings up the Death of Cinema...

Personally, I think it's because people feel betrayed by Michael Bay. He gets these ridiculously high budgets that most movies can only dream of, always gets the cream of the crop actors in Hollywood and then turns out something so completely forgettable, generic, and over the top (in the negative aspect of the term) that people walk away severely disappointed. It's happened time after time, and judging by reaction to his latest movie (Transformers: Age of Extinction) is STILL happening.