Sam
asks why they're in Egypt, Jetfire telling him because his ancestors
traveled to Earth “millennia ago” to search for Energon. This was
like 19,000 some years ago which would make this BEFORE the All Spark
was lost in space. The All Spark just creates life, it doesn't
nourish it? In the first film what was Megatron planning to do when
his new army was going to need energy? Also in this film we see the
Decepticons are growing new ones without the All Spark, so why did
they even NEED it in the first place?
And
what about the Primes? Were they all Decepticons? That can't be,
because Optimus is a Prime. How does one become a Prime then? Are you
created one or is it something you have to upgrade to? WHAT EXACTLY
IS A PRIME?! How come nothing in this movie makes any sense when you
stop to think about it? Jetfire
begins to go off on another tangent about nothing, Simmons
interrupting him with what is probably the most unintentionally
profound line of the ENTIRE franchise:
“Beginning,
middle, end. Facts. Details. Condense. Plot. Tell it.”
We're
told somewhere in the desert the Primes built a giant machine that
can harvest Energon by destroying suns, something they did on a
regular basis on their travels. They did have a rule though, no doing
it on planets where there was life. So why did they build the bloody
machine in the first place?! Did they not SCOUT OUT the planet first
before going to all that hard work? For that matter, the Decepticons
were originally concerned with lives besides their own? I thought
they were always evil.
One
Prime tried to violate the rule, becoming the Fallen in the process.
He tried to activate the machine anyway, which is done through the...
Matrix of Leadership?! WHAT THE HELL?! How much shit are they going
to pack into this movie? This
is officially a live action video game at this point, our characters
are weighed down with more inventory items than a freaking Final
Fantasy
game! Also the fabled Matrix of Leadership, the ultimate symbol of
the Autobots that will “light their darkest hour” has been
downgraded to a KEY? Ugh.
Jetfire
plays a hologram of the film's opening scene, as we see the Primes
battling the Fallen for possession of the Matrix. They win but can't
kill him for... some reason... so they KILL THEMSELVES and turn their
bodies into a tomb to hide the Matrix away forever. Uhh, alright? Um,
if only a Prime can kill the Fallen LIKE HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED then
why couldn't SIX Primes SUPERKILL him? I wonder what kind of
napkins the script was written on? Taco Bell? Burger King? I'm going
with Burger King.
Sam
wonders if the energy that'll be used to reactivate the sun-blowing
up machine could be used to bring Optimus back to life. Jetfire
thinks it's a possibility, telling Sam where to go to find the Matrix
but not coming with because... he's old and worthless? He gives Sam a
clue on the exact location of the latest Macguffin, “When dawn
alights the Dagger's Tip, Three Kings will reveal the doorway”. They
head to the location, Simmons calling Lennox and arranging to have
Optimus's body brought to them. They find a pyramid at the location
and then proceed to... sit around and do nothing. Sam and Mikaela try
to put us to sleep by talking about the “L-Word” again, but ONCE
AGAIN they do the “Character instantly cooks up a master plan to
save the day based off a throwaway line someone else says” bit as
Sam gets a burst of insta-knowledge when Mikaela mentions the
pyramids.
He's
able to decipher the rest of Jetfire's riddle, and we're now off to
the mountains of Petra for the next side quest. They find an ancient
temple hidden there, but unfortunately it's an EMPTY ancient temple.
Oh wait Skids and Mudflap start fighting because that's how they
roll, yo. Their battle breaks a wall, Sam of course finding the long
lost tomb and the Matrix hidden behind it. Shoot,
THAT was lucky in a “the screenwriters are getting lazier by the
second” kind of way!
Sam
picks up the Matrix and it promptly DISINTEGRATES into dust! Ha hah,
that was actually cool! NEST arrives with Optimus, Sam still bound
and determined to resurrect his friend so he scoops all the Matrix
dust into a bag and heads out to meet with them. However the
Decepticons also show up, and all the pieces are now in play for a
Big Dumb Ending! This
is actually EXACTLY like the last film, where Sam runs towards his
destination holding the magic item while the Decepticons try to stop
him and the Autobots try to help him. Only here it goes on
MUUUUUUUUUCH longer with the action cranked up to twelve, because
Michael Bay.
Fan
favourites the Constructicons make an appearance and transform into
Devastator, not to be confused with the tank Decepticon ALSO named
Devastator in the last film. He's named Brawl now, because it's
perfectly normal to already have continuity issues with your film
series only two movies in. Devastator is HUGE, so big he can't even
walk on two legs but has to crawl around on all fours. Mikaela
runs along with Sam, and I don't want to say her only point in this
entire film was so we could watch her breasts bounce as she runs but
her only point in this entire film was so we could watch her breasts
bounce as she runs. Emily Blunt feels her pain.
They
run along, the Decepticons unleashing their next obstacle to stop
them: the fact they have Sam's parents. FOR GOD'S SAKE, THEY'RE IN
THE GRAND FINALE TOO?! I hate this movie, I hate it so freaking much.
Once again though, Bumblebee proves he's the worst Transformers of
all time and save their lives again. For good measure, he RIPS
RAMPAGE'S SPINE out of his body. Fatality!
Also, nice touch by putting robo-guts in there to make this as
graphic as possible. Devastator
starts climbing a pyramid, tearing it apart to reveal the sun
harvester underneath. Simmons grabs a walkie to coordinate an attack
from a nearby aircraft carrier, as they set this up as a ticking
clock that the Decepticon MUST be stopped before he unearths the
machine despite the fact they CLEARY set up that it won't work
without the Matrix.
Sam
and Mikaela's breasts continue running, Bay upgrading us to slow
motion so we can REALLY watch those things jiggle. CLASSY AS FUCK!
They meet up with Lennox, but are unable to get any closer to Optimus
as they run smack dab into a Decepticon named Mixmaster who fires up
his weapons to kill them. Suddenly Jetfire arrives to save the day,
but then almost immediately gets taken out by Scorponok. As he falls
to the sand Jetfire manages to crush the mecha-scorpion's head,
quipping that he's “too old for this crap” as I slam my head into
a wall a few times. We're REALLY swinging for the fences with this
movie, aren't we?
The
movie is also mixing in tons of soldier porn, the camera heroically
framing every shot as they deploy around the desert and fire on the
attacking Decepticons. These scenes are a nightmare however, as they
also cut to the Autobots returning fire and you CANNOT TELL who
belongs to what side. WHY does every robot besides Optimus,
Bumblebee, and Ratchet look identical with their monochrome colour
schemes? Why is it so hard for Bay to understand people might
actually be interested in being able to follow the firefight?
Back
to the pyramid, where Simmons has climbed right underneath Devastator
because he can't call an carrier strike from the ground apparently?
Actually no, the only point of this scene is to give us a FUNNY AS
FUCK (if you're Michael Bay) image of Devastator's gigantic metal
testicles. BALLS!
ROFLCOPTER! Sam
is JUST ABOUT to Optimus when Megatron pops out of nowhere and kills
him with a laser blast. Mikaela's breasts and Mikaela cry out in
agony for the love of her life as NEST drives Megatron away. She
screams at Lennox to “FUCKING DO SOMETHING!” as the soldier tries
to give Sam CRP, but it's too late and he dies. Mikaela cries over
him, finally telling him that she loves him.
And
now we go to TRANSFORMER HEAVEN, where Sam is approached by the
deceased Primes. Transformer Heaven. Why is a HUMAN BEING in robot
Heaven? I suppose you could make the case it's because he's carrying
the remains of the Matrix which are... no, you know what? Fuck all of
this. Sam's in Transformer Heaven and we're just going to have to
accept that. What do the Primes have to say?
“We
have been watching you a long, long time.”
No,
it's only been about two hours it just FEELS like a long, long time.
Trust me, I can relate.
“You
have fought for Optimus, our last descendant, with courage and with
sacrifice, the virtues of a leader. A leader worthy of our secret.”
Descendant.
Does this mean Transformers actually have sex? If so, why has Bay
completely missed the boat on THOSE fun scenes?
“The
Matrix of Leadership is not found, it is earned. Return now to
Optimus, merge the Matrix with his spark. It is, and always has been,
your destiny.”
Sam's
destiny has always been to shove a key inside Optimus's chest? Geez,
what's he going to do for the rest of his life with THAT out of the
way? Sam
comes back to life and finally tells Mikaela that the loves her. PRIORITIES! The
Matrix reforms out of the dust so he grabs it and stabs it into
Optimus's chest to resurrect him because all rules are out the window at this point. Optimus is about to get up when the
Fallen leaps on him and snatches the Matrix away, going to use it to
activate the machine.
Does
this remind you of Spider-Man 2 at all? Where Dr. Octopus's
main goal was to activate a machine that'd create a ton of power,
even though the main reason he had for doing it is long since passed?
Sure, he wants to use the Energon to create his robot army BUT doing
so is going to destroy the planet he wants to rule so he's going to
have to pack up and find a new world to call home anyway? That just
stuck out to me. He
activates the machine, which is only minutes away from firing up and
destroying the sun. A dying Jetfire tells Optimus to take his parts
so he can upgrade himself to become Bad Ass 2.0, and BLOODY HELL what
am I looking at here? It looks like Optimus merged with every
junkyard on planet Earth!
Ultra
Optimus flies up to the pyramid and THROWS THE FUCK DOWN on the
Fallen and Megatron. Their battle is brutal as you could ever want,
but is also a typhoon of insanely fast CGI blurs that want to BURN
OUT YOUR EYEBALLS. I'm sure what's going on in Revenge
of the Fallen
is quite awesome if I were able to comprehend any of it. Optimus
wails on Megatron, then RIPS THE FALLEN'S FACE OFF AND PUNCHES OUT
HIS GODDAMN CHEST. I'm guessing when the Autobots were learning about
Earth's culture from the Internet, Optimus paid keen attention to
Quentin Tarantino movies and took EXTENSIVE notes.
Megatron
and Starscream see their FALLEN leader and GTFO, Megatron vowing
“this isn't over”. On the plus side I'm happy they didn't kill
Megatron again, on the negative side this just means there'll be
ANOTHER sequel. All
our heroes unite with lots of slow motion hugs and props, giving way
to our final shot of Sam and Optimus standing side by side on an
aircraft carrier as the Autobot narrates us out.
“Our
races united by a history long forgotten and a future we shall face
together. I am Optimus Prime and I send this message so that our
pasts will always be remembered, for in those memories we live on.”.
Cue
the credits, set to another Linkin Park song. I think this one's
about mall security guards that give you the stink eye when you walk
into Hot Topic.
One
simple question: WHY did the shard of the All Spark imbed Sam's brain
with knowledge about the Matrix's location? That is what kicks the
plot into gear and is responsible for driving the ENTIRE movie. In
the first movie, the All Spark turned machines into robots and could
repair them. Sam even HELD the cube up to his face and didn't get the
Matrix's coordinates burned into his brain there, so why did he this
time?
That
sums up the entire movie, NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE. None of it holds
up against any kind of scrutiny, but does that even matter anymore?
Complaining about the story in a Bayformers movie is pointless, hell
complaining about ANYTHING in a Bayformers movie is pointless. So
let's CELEBRATE what worked in this movie. First and foremost, there
was a decidedly stronger focus on the title characters which made
this much more entertaining. It still had unbearable stretches of
rough boredom, but they were SIGNFICANTLY less than the first movie
which was basically put me into a coma.
The
action, while still suffering fairly badly from all the issues I've
pointed out, was cleaner and easier to follow this go around. Hell,
the opening in Shanghai is downright awesome. It all went to hell in
the end, but even that had its moments Shia
LaBeouf's character started off as an asshole, but once he learned
the error of his ways he achieved total redemption. Once again, I
found myself caring for his character and rooting for his character
to succeed and that is an ACCOMPLISHMENT in a Bay movie. I really
want to point out I cared not because of how badly he was written,
but how Shia infused him with actual personality and regret.
John
Turturro also had a major turnaround in this film. I HATED him in the
first movie, which I know was the point, but just the way he played
Simmons was so off putting. This movie he seemed repentant for his
actions and ALSO found redemption by making up for his past
behaviour, and was someone else I was siding with. Wow,
reading all of that it almost sounds like this was a good movie. It
wasn't, it was terrible. It WAS a MUCH better movie than the first
one, but when we're talking about a film that was one of the worst
I've ever seen we've not gotten very far. Critically, this film got
blasted more than the first one but I think everyone focused on the
WRONG REASONS why this film sucked, namely the Twins.
Yes,
nearly everyone focused on Jar Jar in their Phantom
Menace
reviews because he was so Godawful and stuck out so hard it was hard
not too. Just like the Twins, so many Revenge
of the Fallen
reviews are all “racist, racist, racist, minstrel show, the new Jar
Jar” while missing out on what was REALLY profoundly bad about it:
it's SO fucking lazy. Lazy! Lazy!! Lazy!!! And
how about virtually every single scene being cliché as fuck?
LAAAAAAAAZY. The Death of Cinema, right here. Keep hammering in those
subterranean levels of low expectations, reuse entire tropes we've
been seeing for decades, it's all okay because HOLY SHIT BRO, DID YOU
SEE THAT CHICK'S BOOBS BEFORE SHE EXPLODED?!
But
hey, only one film left to go though, because thankfully Age
Of Extinction won't be on blu-ray for
quite some time. You gotta take your victories where you can.
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