A Ghoul Versus The 35th Annual Razzie Awards

Tonight are the 87^th Academy Awards, in which the best and brightest of the film industry are honoured with the much coveted golden Oscar statues. The Golden Raspberry Awards are the antithesis of this as they honour the worst and the stupidest the industry churns out with cheaply made awards called the Razzies. Begun in 1981 by publicist John J.B. Wilson, they originally were held in the living room of his house but gradually grew in scope over the years until they commanded their own theater attended by hundreds. Even some of Hollywood's biggest stars have shown up to claim their awards, including Ben Affleck, Sandra Bullock, and Halle Berry.

As is the tradition, the Razzies are always held the night before the Oscars and thus the 35^th annual show just went down yesterday. You may recall many, many moons ago I predicted the abominable Robocop remake was going to rack up the nominations in the same manner it racked up my complete disdain. I'm always a big enough zombie to admit when I was wrong, but even I was shocked at how wrong I was. Robocop didn't even score a SINGLE nomination, not even in Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, Or Sequel. Fucking REALLY, Razzies? Did they not see that movie? The Razzies have always had a reputation for picking on what's really popular to hate, hence why Michael Bay and Adam Sandler always do quite well come award season, but to not even give Robocop acknowledgment of any kind? Pitiful. What did win for 2014?

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

Optimus and Galvatron start duking it out, giving us another taste of the Autobot leader's legendary wisdom: “YOU DIE!”. Oh Optimus, you so crazy... and homicidal. Shit starts getting real when Lockdown's ship MAGICALLY APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE and fires rockets into Optimus. Seriously, that ship HAS to have teleportation abilities because I question how no one would have noticed a thing that big landing nearby. Lockdown emerges as slow motiony as his frame will allow, upping the slow motion shots in this movie to probably DOUBLE the entire original trilogy. He takes out Optimus with a volley of cannon blasts, announcing he has been sent by Optimus' creators to return him to where he was created. His... creators? But I thought the AllSpark- on second thought, I'll just let this play out because I KNOW there's more coming.

Lockdown deploys a giant net to not only catch Optimus, but the car he's resting his head on. This is important because Tessa is hiding in the car despite having multiple chances to leave. She's not the brightest explosion in the Michael Bay pyrotechnics pack, is she? Lockdown hauls them into his ship and takes off, leaving us to wonder how the net got underneath Optimus and the car to scoop them up? Why the hell wouldn't Lockdown's ship have a freaking tractor beam anyway?!

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Part 1)

Previously on Transformers: Dark of the Moon...

Wait, what? The new movie is out already?! Dammit... alright, I'll play. The original leader of the Autobots, Sentinel Prime, was secretly in cahoots with Megatron to save their race from dying so they cooked up an extremely convoluted plan to- rhaaargh!  This is futile, as virtually EVERYONE from the original trilogy is gone and this new movie skips ahead five years to really put some distance from the last one. Honestly, they should have just rebooted the series instead of trying to build off three movies of some of the repulsive garbage ever recorded by a camera outside of whatever E! TV is currently airing.

It's the first October on A Ghoul Versus..., which SHOULD mean I review awesomely bad horror movies but unfortunately I “lucked” into a copy of Michael Bay's latest middle finger to competent movie making: Age of Extinction. Morbid curiosity won out over the stack of horror movies I've been stockpiling, so let's once again reluctantly return to the world of Bayformers, the land that intelligence forgot. A disturbing world where the heroes solve their problems by committing graphic murder, women don't know what clothes are, and- actually, that's about it. Grab your gun that looks like a sword and is human sized for some reason, get a bunch of snacks because this movie is sadly almost three hours long, and get ready for A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Age Of Extinction!