Optimus and Galvatron start duking it
out, giving us another taste of the Autobot leader's legendary
wisdom: “YOU DIE!”. Oh Optimus, you so crazy... and homicidal.
Shit starts getting real when Lockdown's ship MAGICALLY APPEARS OUT
OF NOWHERE and fires rockets into Optimus. Seriously, that ship HAS
to have teleportation abilities because I question how no one would
have noticed a thing that big landing nearby. Lockdown emerges as
slow motiony as his frame will allow, upping the slow motion shots in
this movie to probably DOUBLE the entire original trilogy. He takes
out Optimus with a volley of cannon blasts, announcing he has been
sent by Optimus' creators to return him to where he was created.
His... creators? But I thought the AllSpark- on second thought, I'll
just let this play out because I KNOW there's more coming.
Lockdown deploys a giant net to not
only catch Optimus, but the car he's resting his head on. This is
important because Tessa is hiding in the car despite having multiple
chances to leave. She's not the brightest explosion in the Michael
Bay pyrotechnics pack, is she? Lockdown hauls them into his ship and
takes off, leaving us to wonder how the net got underneath Optimus
and the car to scoop them up? Why the hell wouldn't Lockdown's ship
have a freaking tractor beam anyway?!
Aboard Lockdown's ship, he reveals this
actually used to be Optimus' ship that he and his fellow “Knights”
explored the universe in. The creators want all of these “Knights”
killed to reset everything and start all over again, I really don't
know. This entire thing is starting to feel like one giant retcon
because I could have SWORN in a previous movie Optimus was part of a
group called THE PRIMES that traveled the galaxy. Again, I'm SURE
they'll explain all this so it makes sense ha ha ha.
Savoy lands a helicopter on Lockdown's
ship to get the Seed from him, the bounty hunter shockingly keeping
his end of the bargain and not killing the humans. The Seed is
revealed one of the metal making bombs, which I'm thankful for
because I was afraid it was going to be ANOTHER ancient artifact just
to muck things up that much more. The rest of the Autobots arrive outside
the ship, making me wonder what the Ethnic Stereotype-bots were doing
while all of this was going on because they VANISHED the second the
fake Transformers showed up.
The humans tag along too, Shane making
sure he'll do down as one of the most hated characters in all of
sci-fi by continuing to rub his sexual relationship with Tessa in
Cade's face. I don't think I've EVER wanted to see someone die as
violently and graphically as I do Shane. Everyone manages to sneak
onto the ship as it prepares to take off for outer space, British-bot
activating a series of anchor cables into the nearby buildings to
make sure it doesn't. This alerts Lockdown to the invaders'
presence, deploying his guards and robodogs to hunt them down.
This leads to all kinds of boring
“action” that easily could have been edited out, long story short
Cade and Shane rescue Tessa thanks to some badass sword-gun things
they stumble across. Actually Cade rescues her while Shane tries to
surrender to the robots, but of course he takes all the credit when
his girlfriend is saved. Ha hah that is so fun- I FUCKING HATE THIS
MOVIE.
Next up are the Stereotype-bots finding
Optimus, topped off by a heroic scene where the Redneck Bot kills a
defenseless alien creature inside a cage because it spit goo on him.
I really can't blame him for this, as his bloodthirsty leader has set
the tone for what passes for an Autobot in this series. Optimus
barks out how the ship can detach into a separate ship because OF
COURSE IT CAN. This film is unbelievably lazy, even for Michael Bay.
Meanwhile the humans are crossing the
anchor cables to try to escape the ship, but Tessa the Useless gets
too scared so starts heading back to the ship. How PATHETIC are you
as a character where you actually make Megan Fox's Mikaela look
PROGRESSIVE?! Hell, freaking Carly from the third movie had more of
a backbone than this woman. The robodogs start chewing through the
cables in an attempt to (hopefully) kill them, but Bumblebee saves
them in the nick of time. Yawn. Where did these idiots even think
they were going to escape TO? The cables are embedded in the sides
of skyscrapers, which aren't exactly known for their easy to open
from the outside windows. But hey, it LOOKED cool right?
British-bot picks them up on a flying
shuttle and kicks off a chase scene that is ALSO boring as hell.
They end up crashing into a perfectly positioned Bud Light truck, Bay
finally slowing down the film's breakneck pace to lovingly pan his
camera across all the spilled bottles which JUST HAPPENED to land
label side up. I wish Bay would afford this kind of detail for,
y'know, the STARS OF THIS THING. This scene is topped off with Cade
drinking one of the beers, getting super badass, and single handedly
killing Galvatron with his bare hands.
With the anchors gone, Lockdown blasts
off into space. Joke's on him though, as Optimus and Redneck-bot
managed to deploy the other section of the ship, remaining behind.
You really think his sensors would have told him that or something.
Joyce, worried that the FBI is going to be swarming his company any
minute now, calls Attinger and tells him they're moving the whole
operation to box office friendly China.
About damn time Bay jumps on this China
Ass Kissing Bandwagon, think of all the money he left on the table
the previous three films by not filming most of it there. How
effective was this sucking up? Let's see... this movie grossed $245
million dollars domestically versus $301 million in China. WOW, get
used to this folks because this shit isn't going away ANY time soon.
Our heroes now reunited, Optimus tells
Cade he sensed Megatron's spirit in Galvatron. Brains confirms all
this, as he knew Megatron was still alive and manipulating KSI into
getting the Seed. So what is the Seed then? An alien device that
CYBER-FORMS planets, turning organic life into the metal material
needed to make Transformers. That's what the aliens at the start of
this thing were doing, destroying all life on Earth to build new
Transformers or Knights or whatever the hell they're calling them.
Passing up WHY the aliens needed to
create a race of robots, let's instead focus on the fact Optimus KNEW
about all of this, which violently conflicts with EVERYTHING from the
past three movies regarding his knowledge of Earth. I know I know,
pointing out story inconsistencies in Transformers is like
complaining about water being wet, but COME ON... can you at least
TRY to make this a cohesive story? It's giant fucking robots killing
each other, how does one screw it up THIS bad?
Brains goes on to say this is
MegaGalvatron's master plan, to detonate the Seed in a big city to
build himself a new race of followers. You know, EXACTLY LIKE HE
WANTED TO IN THE FIRST MOVIE. Holy shit, this is jaw dropping the
level of “We Don't Give A Fuckitude” going on here! This is the
part where I actually got interested in this movie again, just to see
how much lazier they could get.
Jump to China, where Joyce arrives and
plans to detonate the Seed in the middle of the uninhabited Mongolian
Desert, which will create enough Transformium to last the next
century. Oh, so they don't need life to create Transformium?
Optimus just said organic life was required, unless plants count.
Are there that many lizards and cacti in the Mongolian Desert to
create a century's worth of Transformium?
Right on cue, here's the patented
Michael Bay brain pains. How did this whole Lockdown/Attinger/Joyce
partnership come about anyway? I know I already asked why Lockdown
is working with them, but seriously WHY IS HE WORKING WITH THEM? How
did the Seed come into play? There is no way the humans could have
known about it, seeing as how the KSI expedition led by Darcy was
surprised by the metal fossil, so this means Lockdown had to bring it
up. Why would he do that? Why would he give humans the means to
build their own Transformers, especially when his whole mission here
is to KILL Transformers?!
Speaking of that whole metal fossil
thing, what was the point of that? Darcy said it was going to change
everything, but what did it change? She had NO IDEA what it or
Transformium was, so that entire scene was COMPLETELY USELESS, except
serving to give us the illusion this film was going to have some kind
of crazy mystery. I think the only mystery here is how the fuck this
script got approved, because once again it makes NO sense. Right... what was going on? Ah,
Samurai-bot is somehow able to hack Joyce's cell phone so Cade can
call and warn him about Galvatron. Joyce heeds this advice as well
as you'd expect, so our heroes board the ship and follow him across
the globe.
A brief interlude in space shows us
Lockdown discovering Optimus' escape, so he sets course back to Earth
just because this movie needs ANOTHER spinning plate to keep track
of. Attinger brings the Seed to Joyce, who is now actually having
second thoughts after Cade's call. Attinger, understandably, doesn't
take too well to this and begins to threaten him but this is
interrupted by Galvatron waking up and going crazy. He takes control
of a fleet of fake Transformers in the factory, ordering them to find
and activate the Seed. Joyce and Darcy take the Seed and GTFO as we
cut back to the ship flying towards China.
Optimus tells Cade after this mission
the Autobots will no longer be helping the humans, as he's tired of
losing his friends over this endless bullshit. Even though Optimus
is ACTUALLY in the right for once, Cade tries to talk him out of this
decision with a big “Rah rah rah humankind is awesome” speech
that you know Optimus is going to echo at the end of this nightmare.
Joyce makes his way to Hong Kong,
hiding on the roof of a building with the Seed while the rest of our
players begin to gather. I'm not really sure what happened, but
somehow Joyce is now the lead character of the movie. His journey to
the top of the building becomes the focus of the movie, highlighted
by more of Bay's lazy racism as the residents break into a martial
arts fight with the Cemetery Wind agents pursuing Joyce because
everyone in China is versed in those right?
Optimus decides it's high time for
reinforcements after learning Galvatron has taken over fifty of
Joyce's Transformers, so he begins to reactivate the rest of the
Knights on the ship. The Knights turn out to be the Dinobots, so let
the fan service begin! Although they never call them the Dinobots
and they never even talk, but whatever. Hopefully the image of
Optimus riding a cybernetic Tyrannosaurus Rex into battle is enough
to justify the previous two hours of HORRIFIC FUCKERY you've had to
endure so far, because I know it certainly didn't for me. I was
going to point out the first thing Grimlok did upon being activated
was break into a fight with Optimus, but I'm sure Optimus had it
coming.
And that's basically the next fifteen
minutes of this movie, the Autobots fighting with fifty faceless
robots that don't even have names. Cade also kills Savoy with an
assist from a football, which I'm pretty was a gag reel scene they
fucked up in editing and accidentally spliced into the final cut.
The “climatic” battle is as mind numbing and monotonous as any
action sequence I've EVER seen in a movie, the film hasn't given us
the slightest reason to be invested in ANY of these characters so I'm
100% detached from any of this.
Optimus orders the humans to take the
Seed into the hills, but now it's Lockdown's turn to step up to the
plate and attempt to lull us to sleep. I'll give him this, he tries
his HARDEST by taking a page out of Man Of Steel and turning his ship into a giant
magnet that raises objects into the air and slams them hard into the
ground while trying to kill the humans. Optimus takes out the ship
with such ease it's curious he didn't do it earlier, setting up the
final battle with Lockdown. Cade tries to help but Attinger pops up
and is about to shoot him until Optimus BLOWS HIM AWAY. That's my
Optimus, death for everyone! Remember in the first movie when he
easily disarmed the Sector 7 agents without spilling a drop of blood?
It's wrist-slittingly depressing that those are now the salad days
of this abomination of a franchise.
This lets Lockdown get his opening,
running Optimus through with his own sword... which somehow doesn't
kill the Autobot. Guess he must have upgraded his chest defenses
after Megatron killed him the same way in the second movie. But
instead of delivering the killing blow, Lockdown consults his Bond
Villain handbook and starts gloating. This leads to a bizarre scene
where Cade runs behind a tiny piece of rubble which TRANSFORMS into a
full brick wall in the next shot complete with some guy cowering next
to him, but then the man vanishes in the next shot. REALLY? NO ONE
caught that in editing?
More indecipherable action leads to
Optimus cutting Lockdown in half the long way, but unfortunately he
doesn't bark out some serial killer catchphrase as he does this.
EPIC FAIL Michael Bay! We see Galvatron watching this unfold from
the mountains, vowing to return in the sequel because he TRULY is the
most evil villain in recorded history for holding THAT level of a
threat over our heads.
So yay all the heroes catch up and get
their hugs in, Cade finally accepting Shane even though he has no
reason to WHATSOEVER. Joyce promises to help them with all their
various troubles, Cade hugging him too because why not? This is
probably a hollow statement on his part, as Joyce should be facing
MANY years of prison from the government for his direct involvement
in this whole fiasco. There's also a weird bit where Optimus tells
the Dinobots they are “free”, so they just take off running out
of the country. Uh? Doesn't the whole world hate the Transformers
and want them dead, so this will lead to the Dinobots killing
thousands of humans trying to kill- on second thought, I DON'T CARE.
Optimus, please put a fork in this thing and get us the fuck out of
here!
“This Seed belongs to our creators,
whoever they are. There remains a price on my head, I endanger you
all if I stay. I shall take it where it can never be found.”.
Oh, he was just talking to the humans
and not narrating. Kind of hard to tell sometimes. Cade asks if
they'll ever see him again, and we get this gem:
“Cade Yeager, I do not know. But
whenever you look to the stars, think of one of them as my soul.”.
UGH. Mighty God, if afraid if I looked
up how much money Kruger got paid for this script I'd eat a shotgun
blast. Optimus blasts off into space because that's a thing he can
magically do now, as he FINALLY starts his narration to wrap this
turkey up.
“There are mysteries to the universe
we were never meant to solve. But who we are and why we are here are
not among them. Those answers we carry inside. I am Optimus Prime
and this message is to my creators: leave planet Earth alone...
'cause I'm coming for you.”.
Cue the credits.
Like all Bayformer movies, this made
all the money in the theaters while the critics ravaged it. Like all
Bayformer movies, I had a different reaction to this than most
critics. The first movie got fairly positive reviews whereas I
thought it was awful. The second movie was almost universally
reviled whereas I thought it was the best movie of the series,
although I say best in the same comparison that the doctor says he
needs to amputate your arm but only ends up cutting off your hand.
The third movie got mixed reviews whereas I thought it was the
absolute worst movie of the three.
Which brings us to Age of
Extinction, hated so much by the critics it earned the lowest
Rotten Tomatoes score of the series with a bottom of the barrel
scraping 18%. Yes it was TERRIBLE, but not terrible in the ways
these movies usually are.
This film does contain all the things
that make a Bay movie the death of cinema: from the incomprehensible
storyline and action, lazy stereotypes, turning women into pure eye
candy, embarrassing juvenile humour BUT the difference here is it's
all scaled wayyyyyyyy back. Except for the storyline, but that's
like the least important thing to get worked up about when discussing
one of these things. Most of this movie is just REALLY
REALLY BORING action with minor traces of Bay's trademark humour,
which is what all of these movies should have aimed for in the first
place.
Nowhere in this movie did I see the
action broken up by a robot farting or a grown man walking around
with his pants around his ankles asking for toilet paper. Any build
ups to a conclusion weren't interrupted by discussions of
masturbation or a mother giving her son a book about oral sex AND
JESUS THIS SERIES IS AN ABOMINATION! No, Bay FINALLY stayed on
course for once and delivered the movie we should have got way back
in 2007.
Yes, the first hour was more endless
bullshit about humans we were never once given a reason to care about
and it contained the most Bayisms, but once that pointless setup was
done it was pretty smooth sailing from there. Of course since Bay
has absolutely no idea how to give us a connection to his characters
or goings on, it was all boring as fuck but at least it FELT like he
was trying to learn from his mistakes of the first three.
The acting was largely terrible as
usual, but I will give Mark Wahlberg and Stanley Tucci props for
trying their hardest. Their effort was all undercut by the GODAWFUL
writing of their characters, but you can tell they actually gave a
damn. Everyone else was bad even for a Michael Bay movie, ESPECIALLY
the actors playing Shane and Tessa. You KNOW you fucked up when you
literally have me missing Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, or even... God
help me... the Victoria Secret underwear model.
I'm guessing most of the budget that
was earmarked for hiring some halfway decent actors was stolen for
the action scenes, because they were way more prevalent and over the
top than the rest of the series. They did look a lot better thanks
to the streamlined designs of the Transformers, BUT they were SO
lifeless. I think I exhausted my thesaurus for trying to find words
other than “boring” to describe them, but at least we now have
the new gold standard for Boredom In A Movie. Man Of Steel,
you have OFFICIALLY been dethroned.
Still, endless and pointless action is
better than anything else to date, which definitely makes this the
least offensive film of the series. And that's even with the
glorification of a statutory rapist scumbag who keeps a card of
underage sex laws in his wallet, because at least that's only brought
up once. I can't recommend this one to anyone under any
circumstance, unless I suppose someone holds a gun to your head and
forces you to choose one of the Bayformer movies to watch then I
would definitely say pick this one.
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