A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

Optimus and Galvatron start duking it out, giving us another taste of the Autobot leader's legendary wisdom: “YOU DIE!”. Oh Optimus, you so crazy... and homicidal. Shit starts getting real when Lockdown's ship MAGICALLY APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE and fires rockets into Optimus. Seriously, that ship HAS to have teleportation abilities because I question how no one would have noticed a thing that big landing nearby. Lockdown emerges as slow motiony as his frame will allow, upping the slow motion shots in this movie to probably DOUBLE the entire original trilogy. He takes out Optimus with a volley of cannon blasts, announcing he has been sent by Optimus' creators to return him to where he was created. His... creators? But I thought the AllSpark- on second thought, I'll just let this play out because I KNOW there's more coming.

Lockdown deploys a giant net to not only catch Optimus, but the car he's resting his head on. This is important because Tessa is hiding in the car despite having multiple chances to leave. She's not the brightest explosion in the Michael Bay pyrotechnics pack, is she? Lockdown hauls them into his ship and takes off, leaving us to wonder how the net got underneath Optimus and the car to scoop them up? Why the hell wouldn't Lockdown's ship have a freaking tractor beam anyway?!

A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Part 1)

Previously on Transformers: Dark of the Moon...

Wait, what? The new movie is out already?! Dammit... alright, I'll play. The original leader of the Autobots, Sentinel Prime, was secretly in cahoots with Megatron to save their race from dying so they cooked up an extremely convoluted plan to- rhaaargh!  This is futile, as virtually EVERYONE from the original trilogy is gone and this new movie skips ahead five years to really put some distance from the last one. Honestly, they should have just rebooted the series instead of trying to build off three movies of some of the repulsive garbage ever recorded by a camera outside of whatever E! TV is currently airing.

It's the first October on A Ghoul Versus..., which SHOULD mean I review awesomely bad horror movies but unfortunately I “lucked” into a copy of Michael Bay's latest middle finger to competent movie making: Age of Extinction. Morbid curiosity won out over the stack of horror movies I've been stockpiling, so let's once again reluctantly return to the world of Bayformers, the land that intelligence forgot. A disturbing world where the heroes solve their problems by committing graphic murder, women don't know what clothes are, and- actually, that's about it. Grab your gun that looks like a sword and is human sized for some reason, get a bunch of snacks because this movie is sadly almost three hours long, and get ready for A Ghoul Versus Transformers: Age Of Extinction!

A Ghoul Versus Max Payne

“I don't believe in heaven, I believe in pain. I believe in fear. I believe in death.”

He also doesn't believe in telling a good story.  Max Payne the video game is freaking awesome. Released in 2001, it was the first truly great third person shooter to grace the video game world by combining razor sharp gameplay with a game changing innovation in bullet time, which allowed you to slow time down to better aim your shots. A common misconception is this was based on the insanely popular film the Matrix, but the game had actually been in development before the movie.

To top it off, they added a pretty deep and engrossing story. Some derided it for its overly angsty dialogue, but it was meant to be a tribute to classic hard boiled detective novels. Personally, I loved it and was quoting Max Payne for months after playing this game.  But Hollywood just can't let good video games rest in peace without mangling them into something completely unrecognizable from the source material, so we got Max Payne The Movie. It was directed by John Moore, whose only really notable film was 2001's Behind Enemy Lines. Oh, you forgot all about that one? Owen Wilson... in an action movie? Yeah.

The movie was written by Beau Thorne, and is the only thing I can find that he's ever written. After reading my review I think you'll see why he hasn't gotten work since this.  Pop some pain killers (you're going to need them) and get ready for A Ghoul Versus Max Payne! And yes, I'm going to annoyingly point out all the differences from the video game.