Back to Seattle to see some more newborn vampire
destruction. This time we see the Volturi- and no, Aro isn't here so
it sucks- watching them. And that's the scene. I should note Dakota
Fanning looks SO BORED, and boy do I feel her pain. We go to the Forks High School Graduation, where
Jessica is giving the valedictorian speech. Wait, JESSICA? The
character who's been portrayed as an absolute rambling airhead for
the past three movies? As opposed to Angela, who has always been
super intelligent and very eloquent?
The post-graduation party is held at the
Cullens', which gets crashed by Jacob and his friends. Bella
immediately asks him to leave, y'know, cos of all the date rape stuff
but he apologizes because he didn't REALLY mean to do it so it's all
okay! And just to show that he's really really sorry, he gives her a
bracelet he made which she gushes over because it so SHINY AND
PRETTY! All is instantly forgiven! I really hope all you ladies are taking notes, a
guy can touch you against your will all he wants but as long as he
says he was sorry and gives you a gift, it's all TOTALLY OKAY. Thanks
Stephenie Meyer!
Alice gets a vision that Riley and his gang are
going to attack them, so the Cullens and the wolves meet up to
discuss their options. They recognize Riley from some missing posters
his parents put up of him, but they know there's no way he's behind
something this big. Everyone sits around and tries to puzzle who in
the world could be behind this and is EVERYONE COMPLETELY BRAINDEAD
IN THIS MOVIE?!?
That question applies to the people who made
this as well as the characters, as I genuinely think they wanted this
to be a mystery. We never see Victoria having any interaction
whatsoever with Riley, but I mean... come on... this is like
The-Plot-Twist-Of-M.-Night-Shymalan's-The-Village-Levels of
obvious what's going on here. And there is still a freaking HOUR of
this movie to go! How can Twilight make two hours feel like an
eternity? Better question, how can people bottle this technology for
their leisure time?
Jasper decides it's time to train everyone in
advanced battle techniques, as he is said to have a history of
fighting newborns. Everyone heads out to a big empty field as we
learn WHY newborns are more badass than regular vampires: “because
their own human blood still lingers in their tissues”. Hmm...
wouldn't that mean they'd be weaker since human flesh is much weaker
than when it's full on vampire? This leads to a TRAINING MONTAGE as the Cullens
spar while the wolves watch. It's oddly set to “With You In My
Head” by Unkle, which isn't exactly a song that gets the action
pumping. Twilight has a really weird issue with putting
inappropriate songs on during its action moments.
After
the session ends, Bella asks Jasper if there's anything she can do to
help in the upcoming battle. He replies that just her presence with
be enough, as her scent will distract the newborns and Good Lord
they're BRINGING BELLA ALONG for the fight?! I thought Jasper was
this battle hardened master tactician and strategist, instead he's
obviously a graduate of the Qui-Gon Jinn Academy of Combat Strategy. Lesson
One: ALWAYS bring the most vulnerable and weak person right into the
heart of the fight!
She asks how he knows so much about battling
newborns, as we get HIS flashback origin now. He was a major in
the... Confederate army? Oh, that's unfortunate. At least this DOES
explain why Jasper suddenly has a Southern accent, whereas in the
previous two movies he didn't. Hell, you might as well just call
Jasper an entirely new character here as he bears NO resemblance to
the way he originally was. He's a lot more lively and animated, even
has completely different hair. This is the part where I'd speculate
on vampire hair growth, but we still have an hour left and I want to
finish this review sometime this month.
He
got sired by a vampire named Maria, who wanted his help in creating
her own army for battling the various vampire gangs in the South,
which apparently was a big thing back in the day. He fought and
killed and fought and killed until he met Alice, who showed him a
better life. Huh. Damn
you Rosalie for using up all the awesome flashbacks! That
night Bella dreams of Victoria telling Jasper to kill her, which
somehow makes Bella realize Victoria is behind everything. For once Edward's over-protectiveness is
actually warranted as he no longer wants Bella on the battlefield. Of
course she throws a fit over this, so he agrees he'll stay out of the
battle and protect her. They craft a plan where Jacob will carry Bella away
to a hiding place, as his wolf scent will mask her human scent from
the newborns and I just want this done with.
As
he carries her he immediately starts trying to talk her into being
with him, dropping such wise and insightful lines like “you can
love more than one person at a time”. The worst part is Bella seems
a bit into this, as she is STILL jerking this guy around. I honestly
don't even know who I'm supposed to get behind anymore, yet again I'm
reminded of Showgirls
and all its gray and black morality. I
really need to start watching some better movies. Jasper announces to Edward their plan to mask
Bella's scent worked, as his Southern accent is growing thicker every
scene. I love actors who don't give a fuck in the slightest. We now take a break from Eclipse: The Torture
Never Ends to bring you Every Family Sitcom Ever, starring
Charlie and Bella. They have an incredibly awkward talk about the
birds and the bees, the only thing missing from this scene was a
laugh track followed by an “Awwwwwwwwwwwww!”.
Bella heads over to the Cullen house to spend
the night with Edward, as the rest of the family is out hunting
animals. She wants to add her own condition to their “turn me
vampire” deal, she wants to have sex with him while still a human.
He instantly refuses because it could kill her, and she hilariously
tries to seduce him into trying. Bella declares he makes her feel
like some kind of villain in what is probably the most intelligent
thing she's EVER said. Edward asks her to marry him AGAIN, but this
time she says yes. They needed to kill that much time for THAT?
Game
day. Riley and crew arrive in Forks, but are way early so they work
on their best Apocalypse
Now
impression. This
franchise sure loves its partially submerged heads in the water
shots. Jacob carries Bella to the tent they have set up
at the hiding place, announcing to Edward he's going to stay behind
as well for extra security. However a massive rainstorm soon breaks
out, Bella freezing to death in the cold wind. This is kind of weird
as earlier they talked about an upcoming storm, you think that maybe
they would have brought some SUPPLIES around since they had so much
warning?
Luckily though Jacob has an idea! Since his body
temperature happens to be 108 degrees, he'll get in the sleeping bag
with Bella and keep her alive with his body heat! I think I laughed
for about six minutes straight at this scene. From a practical and
logical standpoint it actually makes PERFECT SENSE and I applaud
Jacob for thinking of it, but from a STORYTELLING perspective this
could honestly contend for the dumbest thing in the history of ever.
It's like Stephenie Meyer had NO safety net whatsoever when writing
this, whatever she put to page was instantly approved.
Topless Jacob cuddles up nice and close with
Bella, looking up at Edward with the biggest shit eating grin and
just TAUNTS THE HELL out of him. I cannot believe I'm watching this.
I cannot believe I PAID to watch this. I cannot believe people paid
to watch this over and over again. Edward just sits there and stares,
probably keeping himself sane by counting all the ways he'll kill
Jacob once this is all over.
Bella eventually falls asleep, and warm and
cozy. Edward and Jacob talk forever, and it's so boring I start
wondering what JACOB sees in Bella. I mean Edward loves Bella
because... because... hmm. So why does Jacob love Bella so much? In New
Moon she manipulated the shit out of him and led him on just so
she could experience hallucinations of Edward. Since he's 16 and
doesn't know any better, that's love to him. That's what our love
triangle boils down to, lust and stupidity. How romantic.
Holy God are they still talking?! How in the
world did this movie make $700 million dollars, because you KNOW a
lot of that is repeat business! Fast forwarding... fast forwarding...
fast wording... there we go, it's later. Jacob has left to go check
on things while Edward and Bella discuss their upcoming nuptials.
D'oh! There's Jacob. He, of course, throws a hissy fit over this news
and storms off to the battle where he threatens to kill himself
because he's mentally adjusted like that.
Bella
stops him briefly, but he asks for one good reason why he should
stay. He lists off things like how she doesn't want to lose him or
whatever, but he says that's still not goo enough and keeps walking.
Finally she yells out “Kiss me!” and I lose it. Oh, it feels good to laugh. Jacob spins around
looking like it's his birthday and Christmas all wrapped into one, as
he runs toward Bella and FINALLY kisses her after about a hundred
fakeouts.
Taking up residence on Cloud 9 after that kiss,
Jacob heads off for the battle where he promises he'll be back. Bella
returns to Edward and gives him back his engagement ring, as she can
no longer marry him in good conscience now that he's kissed another
man. Ha hah yeah right, she goes back to Edward and is all “I love
you!”. How can ANYONE say Bella isn't the Big Bag of Twilight
after that is beyond me. Hey remember that battle they've been building
up to all movie? It's finally started, and it's every bit as lame and
CGI-looking as you'd expect. Numerous newborns shatter into glass as
they get hit, so maybe that's just a newborn thing and they turn into
flesh later on? There's probably as much flying glass here as the
first Robocop movie!
Shock of shocks though, the WHOLE BATTLE WAS A
DIVERSION so Victoria and Riley could sneak up on Edward and Bella.
They beat down Edward and are about to kill him when Bella grabs a
rock and KILLS HERSELF WITH IT! Oh my bad, that was my wishful
thinking. Proving once and for all Bella does NOT listen, Bella takes
the rock and cuts her arm open with it instead of killing herself
like she totally should have. What are the odds that story she heard
in the beginning of the film would come up again? The release of her
blood distracts the two vampires and leads to their deaths, like
there was ever a nanosecond of doubt. Victoria
also shatters like glass, which ruins my newborns are glass theory.
So all vampires actually are made out of stone then? How the hell do
they move?! Edward takes out a lighter and throws it on
Victoria's body, and she INSTANTLY erupts into flames. Geez, you
think Edward would have smelled her a lot sooner since she obviously
douses her clothes in gasoline.
The other battle ends right after, Jacob getting
grievously injured. The Shirtless carry him off just in time for the
Volturi to arrive, because the royal vampires wouldn't honour any
kind of truces with their sworn enemies. We see Bree is still alive,
the Cullens offering her asylum in exchange for surrendering. Jane's
all “Fuck that!” and has Felix kill her. Well, thanks for
stopping by Bree. At the reservation Carlisle treats Jacob,
earning the respect of the Shirtless in the process. Billy Black even
shakes his hand to add a cherry to the top of all this. Bella goes in to see ol' Jakey, as he pretty much
waives the white flag of surrender in this whole ridiculous love
triangle. Seeing as how there's still TWO movies of this abomination
to go I'm guessing this won't be a permanent decision.
We join Edward and Bella back in the meadow this
movie opened in, as they (gasp!) talk about her becoming a vampire.
Two hours (felt like two millennium) later and we are EXACTLY back
where we started. That is... that is special. Did
ANYTHING actually happen in this movie? I KNOW I say this a
lot, but this just might be the most pointless movie of all time.
Cue the credits, set to Metric's awesome song
“Eclipse (All Yours)”.
The Good: Not counting the bizarre choice of
song during the training montage, this movie had a great soundtrack.
Killer cuts from Muse and Vampire Weekend round out some really
strong selection.
The Bad: Everything else from the story to the
acting to the special effects, fucking name it, it was bad.
The Ugly: That nappy ass wig they stuck Bryce
Dallas Howard in. Also, everything else... did I mention that
already?
I mean EVERYTHING. In my last review I talked
about how New Moon wasn't really a movie but just a Greatest
Hits collection of scenes from the book spliced together. While
Eclipse is slightly more cohesive, it is NOT a movie. Thus, I
can't say this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen but it is
one of the worst THINGS I've ever seen.
There is such a dark and disturbing undercurrent
to all of this, like it was written by a very disturbed person.
Sociopathic self-centered characters manipulate each other with no
regards for feelings, all kinds of pro-stalker and codependent
themes, rape overtones, justification for horrible behaviour with
hollow gestures... and these are all from the HEROES. It's really
hard to feel anything against Victoria or Riley when they aren't even
on the same field of evil as the “good guys”.
The first Twilight had these elements,
but the were very toned down and instead the whole thing played out
like the ultimate wish fulfillment from someone who wasn't very
popular in high school. New Moon went berserk with it all for a
two hour tale that was just jaw-droppingly bad, but Eclipse...
Eclipse TOPPED IT. I think it was around the point Jacob
wished Bella was dead I stopped viewing this as entertainment and
more as a psychological excursion into the depths of madness. And it
just kept going deeper and deeper down the tunnel, until I wound up
watching Bella make out with another man atop Mount Scenic while her
fiance was a few yards down the way.
I no longer have ANY idea what's going on in
this series anymore, what the point is, what anyone's motivation is.
But hey, at least we're now over the halfway point of the series
and it's all downhill from here!
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