A Ghoul Versus The Lone Ranger (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

John awakens to find he and Tonto are being held at the Comanche camp, who are preparing to go to war with the white man. John is taken to meet with the elders, so we can have the cliché scene of him trying to explain things to them, assuming they don't speak English, embarrassing himself trying to explain things, and then finding out they DO speak English! Want to guess what the FIRST thing the Comanche elder says?

“What's with the mask?”

Sighhhhh. You know what IS funny? The second I saw John meet with the elders I hit pause on the remote and typed that previous paragraph EXACTLY the way you just read it just to see how right I was. I called it PERFECTLY. Either that means I watch wayyyyyy too many movies (very true), or this movie is just a RABID cliché-fest (also very true). From their conversation we learn Tonto is no longer a Comanche, as we get a FLASHBACK to him as a boy. A flashback within a flashback... this is officially approaching disaster status.

Alright, let's just get through this. As a young boy, Tonto and his pet crow (still very much alive) find two dying white men out in the desert so he brings them back to camp to be healed. The men find silver in a nearby river, asking Tonto where it came from but he won't tell them. He changes his tune when one gives him a pocket watch, which we've seen Tonto carrying throughout the movie. And I APPLAUD they managed to work some product placement into the film by saying the pocket watch was from Sears Roebuck! That's DEDICATION there!

The white men end up slaughtering the ENTIRE VILLAGE so the location of the silver mine can be kept a secret, but spare Tonto for some reason other than the fact he needs a really tragic origin story just like John. Just for the icing on the cake they kill his crow too, as the elder narrates Tonto went a little crazy and decided the men got possessed from evil spirits (the windigo) within the silver, which explains his strange line seven hours ago.

Gosh, I wonder who those two evil men were? I couldn't help but notice one of the men held the watch in the same manner that Cole does, and the other man looked a like like Cavendish... nah, now I'm just seeing stuff that isn't there. The flashback ends as the elder says Dan made a pact with him that if the Comanche kept the peace he would protect their land, John saying he'll fulfill that if they let him go. He asks do we have a deal? Next scene is our heroes buried up to their necks in the dirt. Har dee har har. 

I suppose I get why they're trying to kill John, but why Tonto? Because he's helping John? If I was more cynical, I'd say it was just for the funny visual alone and no actual thought was put into this scene. The Comanche ride off to escape the oncoming Cavalry, the elder throwing Tonto's watch near his head before departing. The Cavalry rides past John and Tonto's heads in their pursuit as John wonders how this can get any worse. And here come the scorpions!

Luckily Silver magically shows up and starts eating the scorpions. Eww! John uses his mouth to grab one of the horse's bridles, getting pulled out to freedom. Silver has done more heroic things than both humans COMBINED in this movie so far. John and Tonto head to the silver mine, where we see Cavendish has an army of Chinese miners extracting the ore.  However the miners refuse to go back inside the caves because they say they're haunted. Cavendish sends his men inside to prove that they aren't, but they get attacked by John and Tonto. The two emerge from the cave in the tradition heroic slow motion shot because THAT'S original, John jumping Cavendish and demanding to know where Rebecca and Danny are.

The cannibal taunts him, so John starts viciously beating him with the butt of his pistol to make this even more kid friendly. Cavendish does the whole “See? We're just alike!” line and THIS ISN'T A MOVIE JUST A BUNCH OF CLICHES CAREFULLY EDITED TOGETHER TO RESEMBLE ONE. We've been tricked again!  Tonto, tired of all this bullshit, hands John the pistol with the silver bullet in it and tells him to shoot Cavendish. John won't do it, so Tonto takes it upon himself as John reveals everything the elder told him so we can have our dramatic second act breakup. He tears off his mask and knocks Tonto out with a shovel before he can kill Cavendish, and we still have ONE HOUR of film to go. SPIRITS ABOVE HELP US!

Oh hey, let's see what Rebecca and Danny are up to. They're in the home of the mystery man, who is SHOCKINGLY revealed to be Cole. GASP! We quickly learn his plan is to make Danny his heir, as he can no longer have children of his own due to the CASTRATION. He's playing the good guy for Rebecca, claiming to have saved her from the villainous Cavendish as he's having her drugged up to keep her confused.

John shows up with Cavendish in tow, giving him to Cole. Cole has Rebecca and Danny stashed in a freight car so John can't see them, taking the Lone Ranger to his car for dinner. Cole outs himself as the Big Bad behind everything (gasp!) and that he and Cavendish slaughtered the Comanche for silver all those years ago (double gasp!). Dan found the train tracks out in Comanche territory, so he had to be dealt with.

But of course he prattles on too long Bond style, giving John plenty of time to get the drop on him and shove a gun in his face. But things don't work out, as the Calvary Captain and Cavendish turn the tables blah blah blah John gets captured again. The train arrives at the silver mine, John about to be executed by firing squad when he is saved by some wacky Tonto hijinx. I was going to point out there is absolutely NO WAY Tonto could have known John was about to be executed, but then I smacked MYSELF upside the head for being stupid. Asking logic questions in this movie is like trying to count all the grains of sand on the beach.

Arrows start raining down from above, killing Cavalry soldiers as the Comanche attack and all Hell starts breaking loose. Our two heroes escape as the Cavalry SLAUGHTERS THE LIVING HELL out of the Comanche in a scene that'd make Rambo pretty damn jealous. I was also going to talk about how the heroes escape by outrunning a wall a tunnel of fire, but God... who cares anymore? I'm dying from Cliche-fatigue at this point.

It strongly echoes the carnage we saw in the flashback of Tonto as a kid, as the film tries to offset one of the most violent PG-13 movies EVER by returning to present day for... uh, no reason whatsoever. I really don't understand the point of these sequences (and there is a lot), as I seriously doubt they're going to have ANY payoff whatsoever.  Cole is disgusted at his once beloved law, saying he'd rather be an outlaw. Tonto tells him that is why he wears the mask and hands it to him. Silver shows up wearing John's hat as Tonto quips there's something seriously wrong with the horse because this sorrowful scene DESPERATELY needed some comedy.

And with that, we are FINALLY full circle to where the movie began. At nearly TWO HOURS we're back at the bank robbery, as they open the vault as we see it's where Cole's goon had the explosives hidden. I'm not even going to ask HOW they knew where to find them, because I just want this done with. They set up the explosives near the opening of the transcontinental railroad, where the shareholders of the company are holding a party for the town to mark the occasion. Cavendish is just STANDING OUT IN THE OPEN IN PUBLIC near Cole, and you know what that means?

“The movie's shifting into 'We don't give a fuck mode' so we can get the Big Dumb Ending faster?”

Ding ding ding! Glossing over why a notorious outlaw is in full sight of the entire town and no one cares in the slightest, Cole attends a lunch for all the shareholders where he unveils the next step of his plan.  He announces in a few days his freight cars full of silver will reach the banks in San Francisco (they set up that's the only place where silver has any value) and he'll have enough money to buy the majority of the company's shares, putting him in charge. This naturally causes much outrage amongst the old white men, and I for one am DEVASTATED the movie missed the chance for a “rich old man gets shocked and his monocle falls into his tea” cliché.

That's a good practical plan and all, but WHY DID HE TELL EVERYONE IN ADVANCE?! Is Latham Cole the Original Bond Villain? It's almost laughable how stupid this is: these guys are in charge of the railroad so they could EASILY stop the train before it got to San Francisco. If Cole killed them after telling them, it'd make sense, but no... he just shoots one in the ass for comedic effect.  Elsewhere, the hooker with a heart of gold and a leg of ivory Red and her army of, ahem, “working girls” set up strategic positions all over the party. This culminates in her using her... sigh, shotgun leg to blast a wagon full of explosives while Tonto jacks the train containing the cars of Cole's silver. AND WE'RE OFF! 

Cole's man start shooting at the train with a Gatling gun but John shows up and stops him by lassoing the gun in a different direction as the Lone Ranger theme starts blasting at full volume! Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Dun Dun!  Wait, why is the goon still turning the crank on the Gatling gun even though it's pointing at a completely different direction now? SCREW IT! Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Dun Dun!

Cole and Cavendish grab Rebecca, board another train in pursuit, and take off! Why are there two trains? WHO CARES! Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Dun Dun!  John and Silver race across the tops of buildings and jump on top of Cole's train! His train catches up to the silver train and he starts shooting at Tonto! Rebecca tries to stop him so he smacks her off the side of the train where she hangs by her dress so they can rip off Back To The Future III! Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Dun Dun!

Cavendish grabs Rebecca and drags her to the roof so he can have a dramatic faceoff with John! Or not, it's just a fakeout because John ends up having a shootout with the Calvary Captain from across the trains while still on horseback in what is one of the COOLEST FUCKING THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN! Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Dun Dun!  No wait, NOW John's back on top of the roof without his horse for that faceoff! They do the whole “Let her go!” sequence so Cavendish drops Rebecca off the train... and YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS but Silver magically teleports right underneath her! They can't have their faceoff because they're both out of bullets so John just punches Cavendish out! Anticlimactic! Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Da Da Dun Dun Dun!

Meanwhile Cole has unlatched all the cars from his train and is escaping... even though his train is now going in the opposite direction when it was running parallel to John's train... so Tonto rigs up a giant ladder and... I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore! Da Da Dunnnnn......

Here's where things start getting incomprehensible. There are train cars going every which way and I don't know who is where anymore, but I do know Tonto jumps off the car John is on to a different set of silver cars way below in a fall that would have INSTANTLY killed him but he had his Main Character God Mode turned on so he doesn't even get a scratch.  Cavendish ends up on a different car with John someone, John jumping off before the train he was ORIGINALLY on collides with it and obliterates the cannibal. I think the Calvary Captain dies in the crash too, but they never mention him again so that's just a total guess.

Silver... sigh... magically teleports underneath John to save him, Rebecca passionately kissing John because her husband's only been dead for a few days and that is WAY enough time for a mourning period.  Cole's train catches back up to the silver cars that Tonto is on... SOMEHOW... but it's all in vain as he ends up going off the remains of the bridge that our heroes blew up with the stolen explosives. Is that all the bad guys? Are we finally done?

Not quite, a bit later the railroad holds a ceremony to honour John but he turns them down, as he's going to continue being the Lone Ranger. He bids Rebecca and Danny goodbye and rides off into the horizon with Tonto. A parting shot leaves us with the image of one of the carnivorous rabbits eating a scorpion and hey... was there EVER a point to that particular plot? Cavendish wasn't some kind of magical spirit so the whole “nature out of balance” thing was (gasp!) TOTALLY POINTLESS AND (double gasp) MADE NO SENSE!

Speaking of absolute wastes of time, we return back to the present for the end of our bloated story. The carnival is shutting down so they boy wishes Tonto farewell, but then pauses to ask if Tonto's story was real. Tonto, who is now dressed in a suit for some reason, tells him that's “up to him” and magically vanishes.

Just kidding! There's STILL more! Back in the past John rears up Silver and does the “Hi-yo, Silver! Away!” line but then Tonto angrily tells him “Don't ever do that again!”. John looks sheepish and they ride off into the horizon AGAIN as the credits FINALLY FINALLY start playing as we cut to black. The main credits play, but then we cut to an image of Old Tonto in his suit slowly walking through the desert and out of view while the rest of the credits play over him.

GOOD GOD. EXCESS EXCESS EXCESS! This makes Man Of Steel look like a chilled out and understated indie flick. Oddly enough though, complete over-reliance on stupid action isn't the movie's biggest issue, it's actually something much quieter: how wrong it got the main character.

"Tonto?"

No, I said the main character.

"Tonto?"

Alright, fine. Tonto WAS the main character of the movie, which is fine but what kind of hero was he? His motivation is revenge fueled by survivor's guilt, a very standard trope for action movies, so let's look at that. He goes through the entire story with no growth, no lessons, no character development... hell, he doesn't even GET revenge on the guy he was after! It's almost like Tonto existed just to be as scene-stealing and box-office drawing as possible, you know, like that OTHER co-starring character Johnny Depp played that talked funny and wore a crazy hat.

“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?”

No, not that one. He wore more makeup.

“Alice In Wonderland?”

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, alright?! You can't blame them though, the domestic gross of those movies was over 1.7 BILLION DOLLARS. I've seen a lot of people talking about people misunderstanding those numbers, that Depp ISN'T the reason those movies were so popular but rather because of how well done they were as a story overall. That's fair for the Pirates films, but Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Alice In Wonderland? They're freaking terrible! Could you imagine them without Depp in them? They would have sunk faster than a big budget movie starring Taylor Kitsch!

So I totally get the film makers putting Depp front and center and the front of everything, while at the COST of everything. It's a very safe gamble, like playing blackjack and holding at twenty. Any kind of story development and flow is gutted so they can feature more Tonto and count the money later.  Why didn't this work then? Why didn't the film make trainloads of money rather than the sobering $89 million domestic it hauled in? The film makers and stars of the film blame it ALL on movie critics and their scathing reviews of the movie, saying things like they were “attacking the film's budget and production problems” rather than the actual content of the story itself. Armie Hammer (and DAMN if that isn't the most awesome name ever), even named checked World War Z as a comparison.

But you know what? World War Z WAS a box office success, despite all the negative reviews. Hell, we can even go back further to a little indie picture called Titanic which was ALSO a victim of critics going after behind the scene events rather than what showed on the screen. And I'm pretty sure that movie did okay despite all its negative reviews discussing budget.

“Come on Ghoul, you're just overthinking all of this like you usually do! No one cares about westerns anymore, you even said so yourself with all those bombs you listed earlier!”

What about Django Unchained or True Grit?

“Yeah, but those were written by some of the greatest writers of all time. This was just some dumb summer blockbuster with an over-reliance on special effects and zany characters over everything else!”.

I'm not even going to bother posting a picture of Transformers right here. How can something as moronic and brain dead as Transformers take in all the money whereas something like the Lone Ranger can't? The answer is ultimately the audience, which is where all of my ranting is leading. Transformers, and most other summer blockbusters for that matter, almost always have a built-in audience with lowered expectations.

I've seen people lay the blame at the fact the Lone Ranger is such a dead property with almost no living fans, which is true to an extent, but this pretty much had a built-in audience with all of the fans of the Pirates movies. With almost everyone involved in making those movies a box office titan on board for this one, it definitely had a lot of people chomping at the bit to see the magic happen again.

HOWEVER, this built-in audience differs a tad from your average blockbuster audience: they have higher expectations. The Pirates movies (especially the later ones) are far from perfect and have some fairly dumb stories, but they are heads and shoulders above almost every other billion dollar franchise. Quite frankly, they saw right through the Lone Ranger. It was just going through the motions of the Pirates formula, and they weren't having it.

There's a lot of other details I think contributed to the Lone Ranger's failure (I'm looking at you WAY all over the place tone and absolute kid unfriendliness), but I think ultimate it boils down to audiences aren't the drooling morons that just want mindless action Hollywood portrays them to be. Mindless action has its place I suppose (insert Transformers picture here), but most people like some depth to their summer films. And this is where the Lone Ranger fails the hardest. Word of mouth from people who don't give a damn about inflated budgets and production problems that STILL hated the movie spreads, your movie has no chance whatsoever. They just wanted to see a good movie, and they didn't get one.

Which is a shame because the movie ACTUALLY did a lot of things right I didn't talk about in the review because I was too busy focusing on everything it was doing wrong. The acting was really good for the most part, the actors were trying really hard despite having nothing but endlessly cliched dialogue to spout. Despite mostly being filmed in a desert the movie looked fantastic, and I cannot tell you how refreshing it was to see REAL SETS in a summer blockbuster movie.

Johnny Depp was on autopilot here, he seemed bored most of the movie but naturally still had his moments. Armie Hammer was the highlight here, it's a shame this will probably be the last major movie he'll ever star in because he definitely has leading man charisma and talent.  But no amount of good acting could have saved this movie unfortunately. This deserved to bomb and I'm glad FOR ONCE audiences realized this. I can recommend this if you want to see a textbook example of Summer Blockbuster Excess, because this is one of the more glaring ones in recent memory.