Click here for the first half of Original Vs. Remake: Sleeping Beauty!
Of all the things to come out of the
1990s, I think BY FAR the worst was the “Grim 'n Gritty” trend:
the making of everything into dark and stylistically bleak because
it's KEWL. It spread across all forms of entertainment, most
prominently comics where EVERY one became a badass anti-hero more
vicious than any villain of decades before. In movies, the Matrix
was the genesis for most movies copying the formula of disaffected
and monotone heroes clad in black blasting the shit out of everything
indiscriminately.
The success of Christopher Nolan's
Batman films only served to crank this to eleven, as damn near
every superhero movie since has tried to copy that formula. This
brings us to the latest feature on A Ghoul Versus...,
something I'm going to simply call “WTF Happened To Fairy Tales?!”.
One of the many trends happening in today's Hollywood has been
giving classic fairy tales this same treatment, which I'll concede
isn't totally unwarranted given most fairy tales originated with
stories that were FAR from happy, but now that ALL OF THEM are aping
this concept, it's gotten very annoying.
It's something that bothers me a lot
because it's yet another form of entertainment being closed off to
kids, unless you want your child growing up to be a bitter cynic with
no belief in outdated concepts like hope and optimism. They've
already lost things like Superman and the Transformers, now let's
take away fairy tales too! Pretty soon their only avenue will be
Disney movies- OH WAIT Disney is one of the prime offenders of this
movement. I'm getting tired of saying this, but what the hell
Disney?! I know when I think of something like the Wizard of Oz
or Alice in Wonderland, I think of epic battle scenes
involving huge armies meeting on a battlefield. But you know, we
have to get as many demographics as possible forking over fistfuls of
money to see these things so that means HYPERVIOLENCE!
Robert Stromberg is one of the
forerunners of this trend, having served as the art and production
designer for the aforementioned Disney films. They figured he was
doing such a good job darkening up fairy tales, why not let him
direct one? Maleficent serves as his debut behind the camera
and he proved to be the right pick, as the movie became the third
highest grossing film of 2014 with a healthy take of over $750
million dollars. However, as we've learned time and time this year, that doesn't necessarily
mean that it was any good. Time to see if this earned its box office
success by being a great movie or having the benefit of a HUGE built
in audience courtesy of its source material, so get ready for A
Ghoul Versus Maleficent!
We open with narration telling us about
two warring kingdoms, one populated by regular people and the other
supernatural creatures. The cool one, called the Moors, is home to a
young fairy named Maleficent who is the Friend To All Things
character. She has huge horns on her head which I guess solves the
debate over if Maleficent had horns or was just wearing the most
kickass headdress ever. She spends her days in happiness and
sunshine, greeting all of her CGI pals as she flies around happily on
her beloved wings.
The story kicks off one day with the
discovery of a human thief in their realm, Maleficent going to visit
him out of curiosity. The thief turns out to be a young boy,
introducing himself as Stefan. He hands her the item he stole: a
small gem. Since he returned the stolen rock, Maleficent talks the
guards into letting him go and walks him back to the border
separating their two lands. Stefan tells Maleficent that one day
he'll live in the castle instead of the barn he currently does, as we
learn through their conversation both children are orphans because
this is a Disney movie and FUCK PARENTS.
Which begs the question: why the hell
is Maleficent the ONLY human looking fairy in the entire land? I
suppose you can assume her parents died in the war
with the humans, but did all the other human looking fairies as well?
Anyway, the two hit it off quite well, the two making plans
to meet again later on. They shake hands but Maleficent pulls away,
burned by Stefan's iron ring which she says is the only thing that
can hurt fairies. Way to tell your future enemy your only weakness
there, Mal! Stefan takes off his ring and throws it away, Maleficent
moved by his gesture. This kid knows what's up, I'll give him that.
The power of montage takes us through
their growing relationship all the way to Maleficent's sixteenth
birthday, where Stefan gives her the kiss of true love. But this
very sweet tale can't continue, as Stefan's dreams to one day become
king eventually separates them as he spends all his time scheming on
the crown. Joke's on him though, because Maleficent grows up to be
Angelina Freaking Jolie! You sure missed that once in several
lifetimes opportunity, kid. This also makes the first appearance of
Angelina Jolie on this blog, which is baffling considering she's one
of my favourite actors of all time. This is despite years and years
of picking some TRULY awful movies to star in, she really needed this
movie and bad.
The current king of the human land,
Henry, decides he's sick and tired of the Moors, so gathers his army
to take out the Moors once and for all. Maleficent, now the
protector of her realm because the previous one... uh... no idea,
swoops down and tells them to GTFO. Henry laughs this off and orders
his men to take her head, so she responds by summoning some of the
most terrifying CGI creatures a computer can render. Damn, ball's in
your court now Henry! Usually these movies END with the massive
battle, what the hell is going on here? One deleted scene from Lord
of the Rings later, and Maleficent sends all the humans running
home to their mamas.
Henry sustains mortal wounds in the
battle, saying he'll only appoint a successor that can kill
Maleficent. We see one of the king's servants is a grown up Stefan,
played by Sharlto Copley of District 9 fame. Overhearing the
king's proclamation, Stefan sneaks into the Moors to find and warn
his forgotten love. They spend the night together making up for lost
time, but this very sweet scene can't continue either because we see
Stefan has secretly drugged her and plans to kill her so he can
become king. Fucking. Asshole. This is just another depressing
trend going on in today's PC world: every villain has to be
sympathetic to the point where everyone is an ambiguous shade of
gray. Now I'm not saying I want all my villains to be one
dimensional cardboard cutouts like Megatron from Bayformers, but
maybe not every story has to have an antagonist that you would have
no problem siding with.
This has been all the rage since
Gregory Maguire's novel Wicked set the world on fire, giving
us the Wizard of Oz through the Wicked Witch of the East's
eyes. Again, there's nothing wrong with this CONCEPT because giving
a legendary villain more insight is a GOOD THING. BUUUUUT, like I
was ranting about earlier, when every movie does this it becomes a
not so good thing. I mean seriously, did we NEED to see the origin
of Hannibal Lecter? Giving us too much insight into a villain's past
can actually ruin the iconic character, if you haven't seen the
abysmal Hannibal Rising might I refer you to a little film
series called Star Wars?
Some of the greatest villains earned
their hall of fame status by the belief that they AREN'T the Big Bad
in the story. In their mind, every action they take is right and
justified, and they're working to make the world a better place.
Making them too sympathetic ruins that, because do you now have any
desire to care about the humans anymore? I want to see Maleficent go
Full Dragon and raze these sons of bitches off the face of the Earth!
And I know Maleficent likely won't be a villain in this movie since
it's named after her and not Aurora, but they're going WAY overboard
with this.
To his credit, Stefan finds he can't go
through with it and throws his knife away. Thank God he came to his
senses and- oh, instead he decides to CUT HER FUCKING WINGS OFF WITH
A CHAIN GAROTTE and pretend he killed her. What's the matter, he
didn't have time to rape her while she was unconscious too? The next
morning Maleficent wakes up in pain, completely breaking down over
the loss of her wings as she howls sorrowfully. This is just horrible and SO WRONG. She
forges her trademark staff out of a tree branch on the ground to
serve as her walking stick, as she's still suffering badly from her
amputation. Later she comes across a human torturing a crow, casting
a spell that turns the crow into a man who scares the human away.
She asks the ex-crow his name, learning it's Diaval because I guess
Diablo is just too devil sounding or maybe they wanted to avoid a
lawsuit from Blizzard. Diaval pledges his service to her in exchange
for saving his life.
Meanwhile Stefan is crowned king,
Diaval spying on the ceremony and informing his mistress. She
responds by casting a spell that turns the Moors into Tim Burton
Fantasyland, all of her former bubbly CGI friends now looking
violently out of place. The sad looks on their faces as they watch
her goth the place up REALLY sum up my feelings about this film so
far. The years pass as Stefan takes a queen and has a child, which
leads to the christening scene that finally puts us at the beginning
of Sleeping Beauty. This means my wish of wanting to
know why Maleficent hated the crown so much has been answered, and
exactly like I predicted I'm sorry I ever asked.
The backstory has already screwed up
this remake though, because the three good fairies are in attendance.
Okay, so we've just spend the past half hour humans HATE all forms
of magical creatures and want to kill them all, but they're okay with
some just waltzing right into the middle of their castle? Also,
since Stefan has committed an unspeakable crime against Maleficent,
wouldn't he maybe be a TAD bit mistrustful of the fairies serving
under her? The film tries to gloss over this by saying they're
ambassadors of “peace and goodwill”, but whatever, this is all
stupid. Who wrote this anyway? Linda Woolverton, the acclaimed
writer of Beauty and the Beast and the Lion King?!?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Linda, what happened? Although she did write
the Alice in Wonderland remake I've been bitching about this
entire review, so maybe she's just not trying as hard as she used to.
Oh, and get this: the fairies have
different names from their original versions. They're now Knotgrass,
Flittle, and Thistlewit, so at least Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather
are spared the shame of having to be portrayed in this nightmare.
Knotgrass is played by Imelda Staunton, best known as the wickedly
evil Dolores Umbridge from the Harry Potter films,
which is a FAR better example of what a villain should be. Flittle
and Thistlewit are played by Lesley Manville and Juno Temple
respectively, actresses with fairly length but mostly under the radar
filmographies.
The three okay fairies give baby Aurora
the gifts of beauty, happiness, and- ah, cut off by Maleficent yet
again. Making a far less impressive entrance than the original
movie, the no longer a sorceress but a fairy strolls into the throne
room, clad in her more familiar Back to Black attire. I will say
this: she does look FANTASTIC in the black robes, wardrobe can
definitely pat themselves on the back for this one. Jolie, now in
full on scenery chewing evil mode, yuks it up as everyone cowers in
fear around her. If I was them, I'd be all “Wait, she's still
alive? Stefan lied about killing her? GET HIM!”, but they don't
share my thoughts unfortunately. The scene and dialogue play out
fairly similar to what happened before, only this time when
Maleficent casts her curse it sentences Aurora to a never ending
sleep instead of death. Wow, who would have guessed a movie made
fifty-five years ago would have more bite than this one?
Stefan falls to his knees to beg
Maleficent to not go through with this, so she amends her spell that
Aurora can be awoken by true love's kiss. I'm shocked the monstrous
Stefan would even give a fuck about anyone not named Stefan, so at
least there's a spark of redemption for his character. Stefan orders
all the spinning wheels in the kingdom destroyed, then tries to hedge
his bets by entrusting the care of his daughter to the okay fairies.
This makes sense because he's now desperate to protect his daughter,
but still doesn't change his initial trust of the magic creatures.
The film adds a third saving throw in
Stefan sending his men out to kill Maleficent, since that worked SO
WELL last time. To protect the Moors from their invasion AND flip
off Sleeping Beauty's spectacular ending, Maleficent summons the
thorn forest around her land to barricade it off forever. I like how
this film is blowing its wad so early on everything, must mean they
have something REALLY big planned for the ending, r-right? The
fairies take Aurora to hide out in the cottage in the woods, only
this time it's different because Maleficent knows EXACTLY where they
are. Hell, she even strolls right up to the cottage and looks at
Aurora through the window. So why not just amend your curse then
Mal? Why bother dragging this out for another sixteen years?
Especially since the okay fairies are now COMPLETE idiots that have
no idea how to take care of a baby, though it does lead to a funny
scene of Diaval in crow form watching them and shaking his head
sadly.
Maleficent begins to hang out around
the cottage, watching Aurora grow up and spending her time playing
childish pranks on the fairies. To balance this out, we get a scene
of Stefan's men trying to burn down the thorn forest and Maleficent
brutally slaughtering them with her magic. CONSISTENCY! I don't
know what the deal with with tone in these live action Disney remakes but it is a FUCKING MESS. There's
nothing I like to see more than after watching a man get impaled
through the chest with a thorny vine is watching Maleficent pull on
one of the idiot fairy's locks on hair. This leads to the fairies
doing their best Three Stooges impersonation as I hope the actors got
paid VERY well for these roles, leaving Aurora completely
unsupervised to chase a butterfly right off the edge of a cliff.
JESUS!
Nevermind, Maleficent conjures a branch
to save her from falling to her death. While I'm VERY relived by
this, I have to wonder: WHY NOT LET HER DIE? Wouldn't it hurt Stefan
so much more than knowing his daughter died in the care of three
morons while he was off busy seeking revenge? I don't think I
understand Maleficent's character AT ALL, unless... she's beginning
to develop feelings for Aurora? Nah, they wouldn't do something that
stupid... would they? Cut to later where Maleficent is healing a
tree when Aurora walks right up to her and says hi. Umm, idiot
fairies? Well, at least we get to see the origins of the “hands
off parenting” fad that's been sweeping America for years.
Maleficent tells the child to go away,
but instead Aurora hugs her. AWWWW, and there goes the ice around
Maleficent's heart. Aurora continues to grow, Diaval now serving as
her playmate because he's taken quite the shine to her as well. She
eventually grows into Elle Fanning, an incredibly talented young
actress that we'll be seeing soon when I review JJ Abrams' film Super
8. She's also the younger sister of Dakota Fanning, and together
they represent some of the best young Hollywood has to offer us.
These acting machines have nearly 100 roles to their credit already,
and neither is 21 years old yet!
One day Maleficent renders Aurora
unconscious and takes her to the Moors, formally introducing herself.
Aurora thinks she's her fairy godmother, recognizing her as the
person that's been watching her as far back as she can remember.
Maleficent puts her to sleep again and returns her to the cottage,
and what was the point of that scene?! We already know Maleficent
has feelings for Aurora, we didn't need to see that confirmed with
big flashing letters movie! Next, we catch up with Stefan, who has
gone QUITE mad in all the ensuing years. Now looking more shabby
than he did as a poor boy, he spends his days and nights conversing
with Maleficent's severed wings. One of his servants comes to get
him as his wife has taken ill and isn't expected to live through the
night, but he brushes her off because NO ONE gives a fuck about the
queen in this universe. They still haven't given her a damn name!
Things move along as Maleficent brings
Aurora to the Moors for further visits, and what the hell are the
idiot fairies doing during all of this? Did they fly off to Vegas
and just completely abandon Aurora? Don't they wonder where she's
going? Or, why hasn't Aurora mentioned her new BFF to her alleged
caretakers? Not that it really matters since Maleficent knowing
about Aurora makes their entire existence pointless, but I am still
curious. These visits basically restore Maleficent back to her old
cheery self, in one scene she even engages in a mud fight with Aurora
and the CGI creatures. Not even bothering to hide her feelings about
the young princess, Maleficent tries to remove the curse she placed
upon her but found she cast it TOO strong and cannot. Hahah, you're
not beating the plot that easily Mal!
Click here for Part 2!
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