Lucas tries to quickly distract us from how head smashingly stupid Obi is by returning to Anakin and Padme back on Naboo, where they've set up shop at the place Padme is going to be hiding. And by hiding, I mean walking around in public while wearing the least amount of clothes possible. The rest of the Anakin/Padme scenes are going to be very similar: they go on some ultra romantic date while Padme teases Anakin then shuts him down when he starts getting too close. This one is notable though as it's probably the most famous bit of dialogue in the entire movie: Anakin's sand metaphor. Padme has returned to her Queen Monotone voice and is putting us to sleep about how she used to swim at this beach as a kid, prompting this GEM from Anakin:
“I don’t like sand. It’s coarse
and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like here.
Here everything’s soft... and smooth...”.
I've seen smoother lines from guys in
rape/revenge movies. I laughed out loud when I first saw this, and
I'm laughing out loud while typing this. Padme doesn't laugh though,
even when Anakin starts caressing her bare skin and kissing her. The
kiss is VERY rough looking, so the movie starts playing this huge
orchestral swell to make it seem romantic. Padme breaks the kiss,
saying she shouldn't have done that while Anakin looks around
shocked. Yeesh.
Lama Su gives Obi a tour of the
facility, telling him how the clones are basically super badass
fighters and thinkers. When he mentions the person they were cloned
from, Obi asks to meet him as he lives on Kamino. This serves as our
official introduction to Not Boba, a/k/a Jango Fett. Played by
Temuera Morrison, an actor who is now THE voice of Boba Fett thanks
to Lucas and his never ending quest to ruin the original trilogy.
Wanting everything in his six part saga to be consistent (HA! HA!
HA! HA! HA! HA!), Lucas redubbed all of Boba's lines in Empire
Strikes Back with Morrison's voice over original actor Jason
Wingreen's. Like nearly every decision Lucas made in his nonstop
tinkering of the movies, this proved to be most controversial because
let's be honest here... Morrison's voice isn't up to par with the
walking legend that is Boba. Jango sure because he's just some
wannabe scrub, but Boba “THE MAN” Fett?
What about Boba then, you might be
asking? How does he fit into all of this? That answer is next
revealed to us when the aliens tell Obi part of Jango's conditions to
let himself serve as the cloning template was that they make him a
completely unaltered clone of himself. All the other clones they've
been using growth accelerators and mental reprogramming on, so Jango
wanted a baby of his own free of all that. Why did he ask this?
BEATS ME! Lucas didn't feel this was worthy of an explanation, since
Jango gets no back story whatsoever while Boba, one of the most
enigmatic characters in all of sci-fi, is just a stupid clone. Some
days I think I should change the title of this blog to “Be Careful
Of What You Wish For...”.
Alright, time for another mind numbing Anakin
and Padme scene! This time they're having a picnic in front of a
woefully fake cascade of waterfalls, Padme boring Anakin by telling
him about a boy she had a crush on when she was twelve. Anakin,
truly the master of talking to the opposite sex, begins badmouthing
politicians and how worthless they are. He then suggests a leader
should be appointed to MAKE the Senate think a certain way, which is
the equivalent of going on a date with a Catholic priest and telling
her how awesome abortions are. Padme comments this sounds like a
dictatorship, which Anakin says is FINE AND DANDY WITH HIM while
giving her those patented rape eyes.
I don't think I “get” any of this.
Like this is obviously meant to be serious, but everything about this
is VIOLENTLY wrong! This is supposed to be the most epic love story
in the history of love stories, the star-crossed romance that planted
the needs for the noble and pure Anakin's tragic descent into the
Dark Side, isn't it? Shouldn't Anakin be, like, noble and pure? I
don't think having him be a moody punk that throws a fit whenever
someone disagrees with him, let alone SUPPORT DICTATORSHIPS was the
best approach for his character. And how bad does this make look
Padme? What woman would EVER fall for a loser of Anakin's degree?
Padme just gapes at Anakin for several
moments, then... starts giggling? She concludes he's just teasing
her and gives him a look like “oh, you are SO in boy!”. You go
Padme, hope hooking up with Anakin goes well for you. No way falling
in love with a psychopath like him could EVER go wrong. This scene
drags on as the two lovebirds end up actually rolling together
through a grassy field, something so trite that even Nicholas Sparks
wouldn't dare to write it. Geez, do you realize we haven't even
crossed the fifty minute mark of this fucking thing? Over half of
this movie has been Obi dicking around looking for clones while
Anakin tries to reenact a Harlequin romance novel. I don't think I
can even remember what the plot was at this point, something about a
mystery person that SO isn't Count Dooku trying to kill Padme? Does
that sound right?
Taun We, the alien who first met with
Obi when he landed, takes him to meet Jango and Boba. In case you're
too dumb to have figured out who Jango is by now, Lucas includes a
scene where Jango's telltale armour can be seen in a closet before
Boba closes the door. Obi asks Jango about Sifo-Dyas, but Jango says
he was hired by a man named Tyranus to sire the clones. Ooh, the
plot thickens! No wait, there has to be a plot first so it to
thicken. Because this scene was just TOO EXCITING, Lucas cuts back
to Naboo. We see Padme, sitting on a couch with Anakin by a romantic
fireplace, is now wearing a leather corset that wouldn't look out of
place in a Playboy pictorial.
Anakin begins to pour his heart out to
Padme, delivering what is EASILY the most underrated bit of dialogue
in the entire film. And by that, I mean it doesn't get mocked
ANYWHERE near on the scale of what it should:
“From the moment I met you, all those
years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. And
now that I'm with you again, I'm in agony. The closer I get to you,
the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you... I can't
breathe. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given
me. My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar.
You are in my very soul, tormenting me. What can I do? I will do
anything that you ask...”.
That snippet from an emo poetry slam is
made INFINITELY more entertaining by Christensen's high school drama
club level of delivery, as it feels like that one kid that's just in
class for a cheap credit emoting his way through lines he doesn't
understand. Matter of fact, this entire scene feels like a high
school play: jilted line delivery and shitty lighting. Portman isn't
doing much better here, also employing the start/stop method between
each word to give it more gravity. She says he does have feelings
for Anakin as well, but their love can never been due to their career
paths.
So she has feelings for Anakin now, eh?
Based off... what exactly? That roll in the grass they took? The
time Anakin talked down to her in front of the queen? Anakin's
pervert vision making her feel uncomfortable? I remind you, aside
from when Anakin was a little boy, these two have known each other
for like four days MAX, probably even half that. They have
absolutely nothing in common and no shared interests other than their
physical attraction for each other, so it makes zero sense than Bella
would have any feelings for Edward other than lust. Hold on, Bella?
What movie am I watching? I'm so bored I can't remember!
Thankfully, Obi shows up to remind me
this is a Star Wars movie. Obi reports to Yoda and Mace about
the clones and his “suspicion” Jango was behind Padme's
assassination attempt. He brings up how Sifo-Dyas had died more than
ten years ago and couldn't have possibly placed the order for the
clones, but the heads of the Jedi Council are more concerned with
Jango. Good call, that whole “clone army created around the same
time Palpatine became chancellor” thing can't POSSIBLY be important
at all. Yoda orders Obi to capture him and bring him to Coruscant
for interrogation, which marks the first time in history I'm looking
forward to a stupid CGI action scene because I'll take ANYTHING to
break up how fucking dull this movie has been.
Oh, spoke too soon. We can't have two
Obi scenes in a row, that'd be preposterous! Anakin has another
vision of his mother being tortured, so he tells Padme he HAS to go
save her. Padme says she'll go with, marking yet another genius idea
in her long history of Einstein-like levels of brilliance. What
better place to go when you have people trying to kill you than
Tatooine, home to villainous scum and more bounty hunters than a
reality TV channel? It's nearly impossible to choose who the single
stupidest character in the entire prequels is, but Padme is
definitely making her case in this film.
Obi finds the Fetts are about to
depart Kamino on Jango's ship, this incredibly awesome Slave I. Obi
and Jango engage in what is a VERY cool fight due to the fact it's
hand-to-hand, necessitating effort on Lucas' part to direct it. It
is a shame the green screen behind them is SyFy Channel levels of
fake, but compared to everything else we've endured so far this is
like a freaking Tony Jaa movie. I could have used SO many more
minutes of this, but eventually Jango gets the best of Obi and
escapes on his ship, but not before Obi can throw a tracker device
onto it. I am SO sad that's over, especially since the next scene
is Anakin and Padme landing on Tatooine. Get ready folks, things
REALLY go downhill from here on out.
Anakin tracks down his old slave master
Watto, who now runs a little roadside stand selling junk. Watto
tells him he sold Shmi years ago to a moisture farmer named Lars, who
freed her and married her. Lars, eh? That name sounds familiar...
The lovebirds go to the Lars' moisture farm, where we see C-3PO
outside working. C-3PO has gotten an outer shell upgrade since we
saw him last, but it's a dingy gray one and not his more familiar
goldenrod one. But hey, that's an extra toy Lucas can sell now!
C-3PO takes them inside to meet the Lars family, consisting of
Cliegg, his son Owen, and Owen's girlfriend Beru.
Before we get into the Lars drama, I
want to stop to talk about one of my biggest problems with the
prequels: its miscasting of extremely important characters, which is
on full display with the characters that would grow up to become
Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru in A New Hope. I call them extremely
important not because they have any affect on this movie, but because
they're in the original trilogy. They aren't miscast in the aspect
they're bad actors, as it's impossible to tell who's a good or bad
actor thanks to the direction, but rather their age. Owen and Beru
here are played by Joel Edgerton, aged 26, and Bonnie Piesse, aged
17. In the film they're playing characters in presumably their early
20s, possibly even late teens. In A New Hope, which is only
22 years after this movie, they are now in their sixties. Damn!
Either Tatooine is like the planet in Interstellar where time
passes differently or Lucas never even thought about trying to tell a
story with consistency.
What about that minor character named
Obi-Wan Kenobi? Actor Ewan McGregor was 29 when this movie was
filmed, and his character certainly looks around that age. Jump
ahead to Episode IV where Obi is now played by the legendary
Sir Alec Guinness, age 62. Obi's age jump I really don't have much
of a problem with because you could make the case all the hardship he
went through aged him prematurely, but it still is jarring when you
stop to think about it.
Cliegg tells Anakin that his mother was
kidnapped by Tusken Raiders over a month ago, and the rescue party
they sent after her was slaughtered. Anakin knows he can do better
though, heading out to the Raiders' settlement. Because this scene
is in danger of creating some tension, Lucas breaks it by going back
to Obi, who was tailed Jango to a nearby planet. He sneaks around,
finding a giant factory creating the most feared enemies in all of
Star Wars: the dreaded BATTLE DROIDS. OH NOES! He overhears
an elderly man talking with Nute Gunray about signing a treaty, which
in the past has always worked out smashing for the Trade Federation.
Nute says he won't sign until Padme is
dead, as he's still angry with her over... what? What is his
motivation here? He blames her for all the bullshit in the last
movie, even though there's like half a dozen people more responsible
for... wait, he got off scot free we've learned. The Trade
Federation didn't lose their license and he didn't get imprisoned, I
would call that a win. The elderly man is revealed to be the elusive
Count Dooku, played by master thespian Christopher Lee. He should
need no introduction as he's been acting since the 1940s and has
nearly THREE HUNDRED credited roles in his filmography. The man is a
consummate professional, it's just a shame it took over an hour for
us to even see him. I bet he would have been a great villain if a
decent writer had penned this story.
Dooku and Gunray arrive at a meeting
with other aliens, the various races pledging their support to his
Separatist movement. Okay, now we're starting to get some-
ah dammit, back to Anakin. Mirroring his master, the young padawan
also sneaks into the enemy territory. He finds his mother tied up
inside a tent, cruel cuts all over her face. What do you think the
Raiders were doing to her for a month? I suspect that's a question I
NEVER want answered. Anakin unties Shmi... just in time for her to
DIE IN HIS ARMS. What the fuck? Were those ropes magically keeping
her alive? Were they coated in valuable “keep this minor character
alive so the main character can discover her a moment too late”
juice? That’s REALLY expensive, how the fuck did the raggedy ass
Tusken Raiders afford that stuff?
Well, Anakin's pissed. He fires up his
lightsaber and begins slicing and dicing Raiders, while we hear
Qui-Gon Jinn's voice scream “Anakin, noooooo!”. This isn't
actually something Liam Neeson recorded for the film, but a clip they
cobbled together from his line in Episode I. Neeson had to
sign off on it though, and I've always wondered what he got paid for
that. Yet another question I'm sure I don't want to know the answer to. As
Anakin begins to hack his way through the village, which the camera
goes out of its way to establish contains children, we cut back to
Coruscant where Yoda tells Mace he can sense that Anakin is in
terrible pain. I thought the Jedi couldn't sense stuff anymore due
to their mysterious inability to access the Force anymore?
Interstellar sensations seem like one of the first things that would
be inaccessible to them. Worried for Anakin's safety, Yoda mobilizes
a team of Jedi to go check on him. Hahah, just kidding. Yoda
doesn't do JACK, because fuck Anakin right? He's a big boy, I'm SURE
he'll be fine.
Obi tries to report his latest random
discovery to the Jedi Council, but Coruscant is too far out of range
for his communicators. He tries to call Anakin on Naboo, but learns
he's gone to Tatooine instead. He comments “I do hope nothing has
happened to him” with all the emotion of a guy that accidentally
put a dime instead of a nickel in the parking meter. He sends a
message to Anakin, unaware he's being watched by an evil looking
escapee from Disney's A Bug's Life. Anakin doesn't get the
message though, as he's occupied bringing his mother's body home to
the Lars farm. Padme tries to console him with Hallmark greeting
card platitudes, but Anakin ignores her and starts ranting about how
one day he'll be all powerful and able to stop people from dying. If
you pause this scene at just the right moment, you can see George
Lucas' reflection on one of the machines winking at you.
Then things start getting weird as
Anakin suddenly blames the whole thing on Obi, accusing him of
“holding him back”. I do not follow your train of thought here,
Ani. He tells Padme how he killed ever single man, woman, and child
at the Raider camp while a brief snippet of the Imperial March plays.
What's Padme's reaction to this? Run for her life from this young
Joker in the making? Nah, she just sits next to him and tells him
“to be angry is to be human”. Oh yeah, that would have been my
response too. Still AN HOUR to go people!
Later everyone gathers to hold an
impromptu funeral for Shmi, having buried her not too far from the
living area. Huh, that's weird. I sure as hell never saw Shmi's
tombstone in A New Hope but if I took the time to point out
these kind of inconsistencies this review would be longer than this
goddamn movie. R2 arrives to break things up, informing Anakin of
Obi's message. Anakin watches it and relays it Coruscant, Obi saying
he's on the planet Geonosis and has discovered Nute is behind the
assassination attempts. Before he can say anything else, his
transmission is cut short by an attack from a destroyer droid.
Mace orders Anakin to stay on Tatooine
and guard Padme while they finally get off their ass and deal with
Dooku. Anakin is TOTES CHILL to obey for once because fuck Obi, but
Padme talks him into rescuing his teacher since they're closer to
Geonosis than the Council. They depart, taking C-3PO with them
because... uh... huh. I've never thought about that before. Sure,
C-3PO IS Anakin's droid technically, but he left her with Shmi and
her marriage to Cliegg gave him control of her estate. Plus, we saw
C-3PO doing stuff on the farm and helping out, so I imagine Cliegg
had come to rely on him to help run his business. Dick move there
Ani!
The Jedi departing Coruscant, Palpatine
is now left alone to further his machinations. He meets with a host
of alien leaders, Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan among them. Bail
is played by Jimmy Smits, another actor that should need no
introduction. It's kind of funny how the best actors in this film
are the most underutilized, and by funny I mean horribly sad. The
senators are worried about the Separatists now that they have the
backing of the Trade Federation's FEARSOME droid army, the Kinyen
senator saying they need this newly discovered clone army to protect
themselves. Okay, I can believe senators being this fucking stupid
about how convenient this all is, but the Jedi have no excuse AT ALL.
Click here for Part 4!
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