Obi and Anakin are still boring us with
politics, Anakin saying not all politicians are bad by citing
Palpatine as an example. Obi actually starts talking smack about him
too, something that he'll instantly forget the next scene. When the
centipedes start crawling closer to Padme, this somehow notifies the
Jedi and they rush off to her rescue. I guess the Force can detect
when a bug has murder on its mind, something you think they would
have sensed a bit earlier. Anakin runs in and lightsabers the
centipedes to death while Obi looks out the window at the droid...
and LEAPS OUT THE WINDOW TO GRAB IT.
Oh God. This is one of the more
memorable scenes in the film and one I do remember seeing the first
time, but like all of those scenes, it's for entirely the wrong
reason. Okay yes, it looks BADASS as hell, which is what Lucas had
in his mind when he wrote it. The PROBLEM is that (and get used to
reading this sentence) it makes no sense! First of all, why wasn't
it Anakin recklessly jumping out the window without a second thought
while Obi killed the bugs? In the few minutes that we've gotten to
know him, we've already learned Anakin's whiny ass is a hot headed
punk who acts without giving a single thought to what he's going to
say or do while Obi is cool, calm, and reserved.
Second, how in the world did Obi know
this tiny little droid would be able to support his weight? Is he an
expert on assassin droids and their weight limits? Maybe he's using
the Force to keep himself from falling to his death, but somehow I
doubt it. And why isn't the droid trying to shake him off, either
through its laser or by smashing into nearby buildings?
Because then we wouldn't have a chase
scene! Action is what matters, not pointless things like LOGIC.
Anakin hops in his speeder and tries to track the droid down, which
is just casually flying across the city skyline while Obi hangs there
dodging the occasional flying car. This really isn't that exciting,
no matter what the music wants us to think. We see the droid is
returning to Zam's public hiding place and she does too, so she pulls
out a... sniper rifle?! RHAAARGH! If she had a fucking sniper
rifle, why didn't she just shoot Padme from a distance instead of
carrying out the droid and centipede bullshit? Is EVERY scene going
to be like this where I have to pause the movie to rant? If so, I
may need a couple remote controls to get through this thing.
Zam headshots Obi, his dead body
falling far to the ground while the droid returns to her so she can
make her escape. No wait, that's what she SHOULD have done. Instead
she shoots the droid which causes Obi to fall, but did she honestly
think that would finish a Jedi? Of course not, because there's
Anakin swooping in to the rescue. He tries to crack a zany one liner
about why it took him so long to show up, but Lucas' comedy writing
is as competent as his cohesive storytelling so it falls flat. The
Jedi pursue Zam's speeder for another chase scene, although this is
most likely demo footage from the Star Wars: Jedi Starfighter
video game or whatever. This is as sterile and fake looking as
possible, something this film REALLY pioneered. The last film was
loaded to the brim with CGI, but Lucas did balance it out with some
gorgeous live action sets. So far nothing like that has shown up in
this film, and (spoilers!) never will.
This goes on forever, with Obi's
character losing any ounce of cool he had left as he WHINES AND
COMPLAINS the entire time. Again, this is supposed to be funny but
it's a FAR FAR FAR cry from the back-n-forths Han and Luke shared.
Finally Zam appears to lose the Jedi, so Anakin parks the speeder in
midair and looks around the city while Obi nags him. Sadly, Obi
doesn't take out his oversized purse and start comically beating Anakin around
the head with it. Anakin asks Obi to excuse him, and then jumps out
of the speeder to his death. Nah, he lands on Zam's speeder with
perfect, inexplicable timing. Another shot I'm sure Lucas was high
fiving himself over, but there's a LIMIT to badassery you know? When
our characters are pulling this Looney Tunes shit this early on, it
really doesn't create a lot of tension since it makes them seem
completely invulnerable.
Zam tries to shoot him off with her
pistol, but ends up crashing the speeder on the streets below. They
engage in ANOTHER chase scene, this one on foot, as Obi must not have
taught Anakin how to run like the Flash yet. That sure would have
been helpful because Zam easily outpaces the young padawan, ducking
into a club to hide. Obi catches up to Anakin and berates him for,
well... everything, and then they enter the club. Obi quips that one
day Anakin will be the death of him, but doesn't turn to the camera
and wink like he should have. What the hell, Lucas? How do you miss
that obvious joke?
The club is full of sexy weirdos, Obi
sending Anakin to search it for Zam while he goes and has a drink.
Normally I'd bitch about Obi-Wan Kenobi choosing to knock back a few
instead of trying to catch an assassin, but I feel his pain. I
really, really do. You earned that booze Obi. Anakin walks around
while Zam sneaks behind him, pistol drawn. I assume he can't sense
her because she can block the Force or whatever, there's a precedent
for that so we'll go with that. OH CAMERA TRICK! Zam was actually
sneaking behind OBI, who does sense her and cuts her hand off. OH HO
HO, it's just like in A New Hope when he did the exact same
thing! Referencing the good movies makes this one good too, right?
Obi and Anakin drag Zam outside,
questioning her about who hired her. She's about to tell them when
Not Boba shoots her in the neck with a lethal dart and flies off on
his jetpack. Look at that, dead in one shot. Remind me again why
Not Boba didn't kill Padme himself? The Jedi just watch the bounty
hunter fly away, not bothering to pursue him because four chase
scenes in ten minutes would be too much for even THIS movie. Oh, and
Zam says something in her native tongue that isn't subtitled before
dying in Obi's arms. I'm counting that as something stupid, so take
your shots folks. The next day the Jedi report this incident to the
council, who are NOW suddenly interested in finding out who's behind
the assassination attempts. What, why can't it still be disgruntled
spice miners? They could hire a bounty hunter just as easy as the
next person could.
There's a twist to this though, Yoda
wants Obi to handle the investigation while Anakin gets Padme duty.
Mace wants Anakin to take Padme back to Naboo where she'll be safer,
but he worries she won't leave Coruscant before the Separatist issue
is resolved. Yoda tells him to go speak with Palpatine to get his
help to convince her, which leads to one of the genuine good scenes
in the film. Palpatine agrees to help Anakin before segueing into
saying how proud he is of him finally getting his own assignment. He
proceeds to stroke Anakin's ego by saying one day he'll be the most
powerful Jedi of all, Anakin respectfully listening to him.
Just like the last film, Ian McDiarmid
is the only truly great thing going on. He puts effort and intensity
into all of his scenes, as it's likely Lucas didn't try to mess with
his style due to their previous history. I like this scene a lot
because McDiarmid gives it depth, you can see him slyly pulling
Anakin's screens without being all “mwa-ha-ha” about it, while
Christensen's histrionics are kept completely in check here. You
really get the impression he cares what Palpatine thinks, the only
negative to this scene is it contradicts a line he said earlier in
the club where he told Obi he's like a father to him, when it's
CLEARLY Palpatine. Sure, Anakin could have just been saying that to
pacify his master, but it's said earnest because we're supposed to
believe Obi and Anakin's friendship is a thing.
We get a brief scene of Obi expressing
his concerns about Anakin not being ready to fly solo to Yoda and
Mace, but they don't care. Mace mentions the prophecy from the last
movie about Anakin being destined to bring balance to the Force,
something I hope Lucas would have forgotten about by now. Yet again
we get no further information on this famed prophecy, like what the
entire thing says or what it entails, but Anakin's REALLY important!
You're just going to have to trust us on this one, folks. The next
scene has Padme agreeing to return to Naboo, entrusting her peoples'
best interests to... Jar Jar Binks. Yes, you read that right. The
allegedly intelligent Padme Amidala just gave Jar Jar senatorial
power. What can you even say about that? But I'm sure it won't come
back to bite her on the ass or anything.
Padme begins to pack her bags while
Anakin undresses her with his eyes, barely able to contain his
excitement that he gets to be alone with her. This is cut short when
two more killer probe droids fly up to the window and- oops, my bad.
They're just window washer droids. Good to see security is as strong
as ever after two attempts on Padme's life! Anakin begins to whine
in full force about how Obi doesn't respect him or his power, and I
do mean WHINE. Padme's expression of “oh my God, just shut the
fuck up!” is priceless here, as she tries to talk him down before
he pulls out a guitar and starts an impromptu performance of his
favourite Linkin Park songs.
Boosted by this, Anakin attempts to
flirt with her again. She flat out tells him to stop and that he
makes her uncomfortable, and BLOODY HELL this movie is bad. How do
you get the character of Anakin Skywalker SO wrong? I can understand
the first one, he was just a little idiot kid who didn't know any
better, but here? He should be this humble and sympathetic figure
that we all come to love, thus making his eventual transformation
into Darth Vader all the more tragic. Instead, we get him written
him as a brash asshole that'd probably break into a laundromat to
smell a woman's underwear when she wasn't looking. Or hell, he'd do
it right in front of a woman that rate he's going. How does Anakin
respond to this? I'll let you decide: it's either a heartfelt
apology while looking chaste, or a mega creepy rapist smile while he
mugs for the camera.
Anakin and Padme make their way out of
Coruscant on public transport so as not to draw attention to
themselves, because the film tries to weakly set up a plot about the
assassins will follow them to Naboo if they know Padme is leaving.
Um, won't they know that the second Jar Jar shows up at the next
Senate meeting? It's not like Padme is using another decoy here.
Padme expresses her fear to Anakin, who consoles her by saying he's
also afraid since it's his first solo mission. Realizing he's fucked
up yet again, he tries to lighten the mood by saying they don't have
to worry since R2 will be going with them as well. R2 replies with a
series of beeps that I'm sure translate to “FUCK. YOU.”. Obi
and Typho watch them head off, Obi saying he's worried Anakin will do
something foolish. Typho counts with Padme is the one he should
worry about, which makes me wonder what kind of stuff he's seen while
protecting her. Can we watch a movie about that instead?
Obi gets started on his assignment
right away by going to a... nostalgia 1950s style diner. Um... He
meets with the boss of the place, a big fat stupid CGI alien named
Dexter Jettster. He's an old friend and informant of Obi, who asks
him if he knows anything about the dart that killed Zam. Dexter
examines it and concludes it's a saberdart, a weapon of choice for a
race of aliens called the Kaminoans. He says they're a race of
“cloners” who live on the edge of the outer rim, Obi having never
heard of them. He heads to the Jedi archives to look up their
planet, but can find no evidence of it. He sits stroking his beard,
trying his hardest to evoke some kind of giant interesting mystery.
He fails.
We switch off to Anakin and Padme, now
flying to Naboo. Padme says how much being a Jedi sucks and how you
have no freedom to do what you want. Anakin tries to be a playa and
adds you can't be with the people you love either, to which Padme
replies she thought the Jedi were forbidden to love. Ah yes, THIS
concept. This was all over the advertising for the movie before it
came out, using the tagline of “A Jedi shall not know anger, nor
hatred, nor love.”. Like pretty much everything in these movies,
it's not explained so we're forced to play connect the dots. It's
safe to assume a Jedi can't love because that can cause emotions that
can be exploited and used against them, but isn't love the ANTITHESIS
of what the Dark Side stands for? That's way too deep of a question
for this movie though, so let's see how Anakin answers this:
“Attachment is forbidden. Possession
is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional
love, is central to a Jedi's life, so you might say we're encouraged
to love.”.
Got that? I hope so, because I sure as
hell don't. Anakin then tells Padme she's just like she is in his
dreams, which causes a massive uncomfortable silence while he eye
rapes her. THAT was an important scene! Obi continues his mission
to pad out the movie's run time by visiting with Yoda, who is in the
middle of training like twenty Jedi children, or “younglings” as
the prequels hilariously call them. This is another homage to the
original trilogy, as all of the kids are wearing blast helmets while
trying to hit a hovering ball with their mini lightsabers.
This is one of the homages in the
prequels that actually make sense to me, despite a lot of people
complaining about it. As you (hopefully) know, an elderly Obi-Wan
put Luke Skywalker through a similar test in A New Hope to
help him hone his budding Force abilities. The complaint people have
is Lucas just ripping himself off again instead of coming up with
something new, but come on... this is where Obi got the IDEA to train
Luke that way. It's subtle, and probably the only time in this
review you'll see me use that word earnestly. Although it does call
into question where he got the floating orb from on the Millennium
Falcon...
Obi brings up a map showing where the
planet should be, indicating that the gravity in the area show a
planet should be there and yet there is nothing. He's VERY confused
about this, Yoda suggesting he fly out to the area and see if it
exists for himself. SERIOUSLY? That was the crux of this entire
scene? Obi couldn't have thought to do that on his own? I really
love how the prequels go out of their way to utterly ruin all of our
beloved characters by making them dumber than Jar Jar. Obi asks how
it's possible a planet could have been erased from their archives,
Yoda replying that only a Jedi could have done it. Good thing there
aren't any rogue Jedi in this movie so this TOTAL MYSTERY can
continue unabated.
The ship carrying Anakin and Padme
lands at a giant green screen with Naboo projected on it, the two
going to meet with the new queen of the Naboo, Jamilla. The queen
asks about the situation with the Separatists, Padme saying she's
worried they'll turn to the Trade Federation for help. THE
MOTHERFUCKING TRADE FEDERATION IS STILL AROUND?!? But wait, our old
friend Sio Bibble pipes up and says that after FOUR trials in the
Supreme Court that Nute Gunray is still running the show. HOLY SHIT.
You know, Palpatine could have saved a LOT of time and three shitty
movies by just joining the Trade Federation since it's obvious the
can do whatever the hell they please.
Jamilla just kind of shrugs and is
like, whatever, I got my paycheck already. She asks about Padme's
plans, Bibble asking the Master Jedi what safety measures he has
lined up. Padme cuts across Anakin by announcing he's still a
padawan, then rips off Anakin's pants and castrates him. Girl gots
no chill. Anakin gets pissed off, and for the first time ever I have
to side with him on this one. He gets into a little tiff with Padme,
once again forcing everyone in the room to look at each other
awkwardly. He's got a gift, I'll give him that. He finally offers
Padme a sarcastic apology as she just glares at him like “you just
lost your chance, whitebread!”.
From one boring plot to the next, we
find Obi discovering Kamino exactly where his information suggested
it should be. I sure am glad he wasted like ten minutes of our lives
talking about it instead of flying directly to it. Kamino is a water
covered planet with the cities hovering above the stormy waves, it'd
be very scenic looking if the CGI wasn't so awful. He enters one of
the buildings, met by an alien from Close Encounters of the Third
Kind. It's kind of funny, Dexter said the aliens could be
dangerous but we just saw Obi land on their planet and waltz right
into a building with no form of security present whatsoever.
Consistency! The alien informs him that the Prime Minister has been
expecting the Jedi, taking Obi to meet the guy in charge, Lama Su.
Confused, Obi follows the Kaminoan through some of the worst green
screen hallways EVER. It's honestly like they didn't have time to
create a backdrop so just threw in some hazy blue walls and called it
a day.
Lama Su tells Obi they have 200,000
units already completed, with a million more on the way. Obi, having
NO fucking idea what's going on here, just bullshits his way through
the conversation. Lama Su mentions Obi's master, Sifo-Dyas, was the
one who placed the order for the units. This is a surprise to Obi,
who tells Lama Su Sifo-Dyas was killed ten years ago. HMMM, ten
years ago you say? Did anything else big happen ten years ago? I
can't remember. We go on to find out the units in question are a
clone army, Obi asking if Sifo-Dyas said who they were for. Lama Su
answers for the Republic and WOW THAT'S LIKE THE BIGGEST COINCIDENCE
IN THE HISTORY OF EVER! The Republic just happens to need an army to
fight in the upcoming war against the Separatists! What are the odds
Obi would just stumble across such an army while investigating an
assassin that left the Jedi a VERY distinct calling card?
Click here for Part 3!
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