A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Savage Beach (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

The agents check into their room and are brought room service by two other Japanese men that look a tad bit conspicuous, especially when they pull out blades and try to kill them.  One of the men is played by the awesomely mustached Al Leong, a famous actor I'm sure you've seen in at least several movies as he's been in hits such as Die Hard, Big Trouble In Little China, Lethal Weapon, and Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure.  A 1980s martial arts movie breaks out as I've pretty much given up on this entire thing. I'm sure the would be assassins will get explained soon enough, but how much shit do we NEED in this movie?! Once again, this feels like Sidaris just put three partial scripts he had in a blender and assembled one movie out of them. The fight between four characters we know absolutely nothing about drags on until the assassins win... and then don't kill the agents.

INSTEAD, they take the agents' clothes because this is now Dress Up: The Movie and forge their own ID's. I really hope at the end of this movie like twenty naked guys run out all at once to call out all the imposters going on.  The assassins search the room and find ANOTHER fucking disc, which mercifully ends the scene. Trying to sit through this movie is an endurance test unto itself. The pilots find a beach to land on but just because they're ostensibly the stars of this movie is no reason to focus on them so let's see what those wacky assassins are doing now. They enter the Pearl Harbor Naval Complex thanks to their faked credentials in a scene highlighted by a security guard glancing directly into the camera as he walks out of the frame.

A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Savage Beach (Part 1)

“I think I'm a pretty good storyteller. I think Savage Beach is as good a story as anything. It's a throwback to the old days of adventure pictures. Anybody can shoot a back alley and have two guys say 'motherfucker', stab each other and call that a movie. That's what most people do. We don't do that. We don't hold women hostage, or slash their throats. I see movies that are so despicably mean spirited that I can't believe them.” - Andy Sidaris

Previously on The Picasso Trigger...

Donna and Taryn took a backseat from their usual adventuring to get involved in a story about a guy named Salazar trying to kill a guy named Ortiz who was trying to kill members of the Agency, only to have them try to kill him and then try to kill Salazar because... actually, never mind. I'm getting the brain pains just thinking about it.

One year later, one more Sidarisverse movie. This one is Savage Beach, starring the usual gang of blondness and their hedonistic ways. Hopefully another Abilene relative turns up, because Donna's not going to be happy until she's banged her way through the entire family tree. Get ready to hit the jacuzzi, because it's time for A Ghoul Versus Savage Beach!

A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Picasso Trigger

“I feel like when there's nudity required, it's there. Certainly some of it is gratuitous, I'm not going to lie to you, but hey, that's what we're here for. In the play 42^nd Street, where he says 'You go on that stage an unknown, you come off that stage a star', I say 'You step into that hot tub an unknown, you step out that hot tub a star'.” - Andy Sidaris

Previously on Hard Ticket To Hawaii...

Andy Sidaris graced the world of cinema with a movie that feels like it was conceived by teenage boys, and yet was a billion times more intelligent and fun than any of the Fast and the Furious movies. We met Donna and Taryn, agents of the DEA whose hobbies include fighting crime, giving tours of Hawaii, hauling cancer infested snakes around, and talking to each other topless. They're back for another round in what is looking like a Cinematic Universe, so SUCK IT MARVEL.

Picasso Trigger is the third movie in the Andy Sidaris collection, released a year after Hard Ticket To Hawaii. This is among the more obscure Sidaris films, a lot of this is likely due to its bizarre and non-attention grabbing title. The Picasso Trigger is actually the state fish of Hawaii, a very beautiful and multi-coloured fish. That doesn't exactly scream a movie with hot babes and guns, so a lot of video stores probably didn't order the title heavily when its name popped up on their forms in 1988. WE however all know better, so let's see what awaits our identical heroines in A Ghoul Versus Picasso Trigger!

A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Hard Ticket To Hawaii (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

Rowdy and his broseph Jade arrive in Honolulu, hopping in a jeep and driving down the road as they talk about how much Jade wants to bang Edy. They drive past a skateboarder doing handstands on his board, commenting he must be doing some “heavy doobies”. This turns out to be one of the thugs who killed the cops from the beginning, meeting up with one of his friends down the road and telling him about the agents. Skater hops in the back of their truck because the passenger seat is occupied by... a blow up doll. UMMM, random movie is random.

They chase after the agents, catching up to them and then... speeding right past them? This scene is made even more incomprehensible by Jade commenting that they're gone, even though the previous shot showed they were LITERALLY side-by-side! Then, the truck warps down the road and Skater gets out, armed with a gun AND THE BLOW UP DOLL. What in God's name is going on in this movie?! Skater heads back down the road, shooting at the jeep along and wounding Jade in the process. Why didn't he just shoot the agents when they DROVE PAST THEM? I bet Skater's wondering that too when Jade backs up the jeep and smashes into him, sending him airborne because Sidaris is ALSO a master student of physics.

A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Hard Ticket To Hawaii (Part 1)

“I can't do a script, turn it over to a studio, have a reader read it, and have some kid out of college come to me and say 'That doesn't work for me'. I'm gonna kill the fucker, and I'll be in jail. It serves me well, and is cheaper, to finance my own movies.” - Andy Sidaris

Previously on Malibu Express...

We got introduced to the Andy Sidaris film style: bullets, bombs, and boobs! Something was missing though, something that's associated with his work almost as much as naked women: it didn't take place in Hawaii! Sure at the very end Luciana said she fled to Hawaii, but she totally didn't as the entire thing was filmed in California.

Enter Hard Ticket to Hawaii, which is what I'd say is the most famous of the Sidaris Collection by a landslide. It's become THE “go-to” movie people often use to initiate others into the world of Andy Sidaris, and has become so famous Paste Magazine actually named it the greatest B-movie OF ALL TIME, even ahead of Tommy Wiseau's The Room and the 1989 epic Samurai Cop. If THAT'S not high praise, I don't know what is. So let's get ready to see why this film is so beloved amongst fans of the wonder that is B-movies with A Ghoul Versus Hard Ticket To Hawaii!

A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Malibu Express

“My wife Arlene uses all of these fancy words like 'motivation' and 'story'. Where the fuck did you learn those words? I couldn't spell 'story' if you spotted me the 's' and the 't', for Chrissakes.” - Andy Sidaris

The late, great Andy Sidaris had a dream, and that dream was to push the T and A barrier into the stratosphere. Sidaris originally worked as a television producer and director for the ABC television network where he oversaw their sports coverage. Calling himself “the best television director that ever lived”, he was a pioneer of sports broadcasting and helped to develop techniques such as slow motion replay and split screen angles. It's not these revolutionary ideas he's best known for however, as he also involved what is called “the honey shot”, something you've seen a million times if you've ever watched televised sports.

Quite simply he'd zoom in one attractive cheerleaders on the sidelines or beautiful women in the stands, and was completely unapologetic about it despite his style earning much criticism from his peers. His justification was that not only hardcore sports fans watched games, and he wanted to reward the people who weren't obsessed with every single detail of a huddle. Lascivious? Yes, but it's virtually unheard of to hear that kind of honesty in sports.

After nearly three decades on television, Sidaris decided the medium wasn't meeting his creative needs so he decided to branch out into the world of film. He famously described it as “after three million kickoffs, every game is not the end of the world”, which should be transcribed on plaques in every arena across the world. Having already worked on television dramas such as Kojak and Gemini Man, Sidaris tried his hand at action movies. What followed is the legendary “Bullets, Bombs, and Boobs (or Babes, when in polite company)” series of films, twelve action movies that make up the Andy Sidaris Collection.

A Ghoul Versus Cube Zero

"Cube Zero: Real Cube taste and zero calories!  Enjoy (almost) everything!"

Previously on the Cube 2: Hypercube...

Let's see if I can figure this out. The United States government, working with the shadowy Izor corporation, built a giant complex to help them master quantum mechanics, presumably for military applications. They enlisted the help of notorious cyber-terrorist Alex Trusk, a blind teenage girl, to help them with construct it because she's an expert on tesseracts somehow. When Alex learned they were putting people inside of the cube to be tested, she tried to expose them only to have them come after her.

She fled into the cube itself, as she knew they wouldn't risk their lives to pursue her there. Even though she knew the entire time entering the cube was a death sentence, so I'm not sure what she had to gain trapping herself in a place where she had no food or water. Not to mention if Izor caught her, they likely would have stuck her in the cube anyway. There's also the question of how a blind girl was able to enter the cube, as one would have to think the entrance would be heavily guarded but WHATEVER.

Apparently she had some kind of super important device with her, so Izor sent Kate, one of their operatives, into the cube to retrieve it. Kate quickly finds Alex, only SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S HER. WHAT?! Izor, who has the power of the entire American government behind them, didn't know what Alex looked like or that she was even female? At the very least, they don't have video surveillance around their precious cube? Oh my God, that movie just gets worse the more you think about it. So a bunch of random bullshit happens, Kate's able to retrieve the device and escape the cube, only to get shot in the back of the head by her supervisors. Yay... and stuff.