Thursday, January 22, 2015

A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Hard Ticket To Hawaii (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

Rowdy and his broseph Jade arrive in Honolulu, hopping in a jeep and driving down the road as they talk about how much Jade wants to bang Edy. They drive past a skateboarder doing handstands on his board, commenting he must be doing some “heavy doobies”. This turns out to be one of the thugs who killed the cops from the beginning, meeting up with one of his friends down the road and telling him about the agents. Skater hops in the back of their truck because the passenger seat is occupied by... a blow up doll. UMMM, random movie is random.

They chase after the agents, catching up to them and then... speeding right past them? This scene is made even more incomprehensible by Jade commenting that they're gone, even though the previous shot showed they were LITERALLY side-by-side! Then, the truck warps down the road and Skater gets out, armed with a gun AND THE BLOW UP DOLL. What in God's name is going on in this movie?! Skater heads back down the road, shooting at the jeep along and wounding Jade in the process. Why didn't he just shoot the agents when they DROVE PAST THEM? I bet Skater's wondering that too when Jade backs up the jeep and smashes into him, sending him airborne because Sidaris is ALSO a master student of physics.

Rowdy pulls a freaking FOUR BARRELED BAZOOKA out of his ass and obliterates Skater into a million little pieces. Not content with this, he tuns his attention to the blow up doll and EXPLODINATES it as well. I take back anything bad I've said about the movie up to this point, it is now MAGICAL. Rowdy takes Jade to the hospital to get stitched up, calling Edy to let her know they need a ride since the jeep finally gave out. Edy's bartender, whom I'm not convinced is a woman after hearing her DEEP voice, listens in on this call as well. Edy goes into her office to get changed because we haven't seen her naked in the movie yet, so don't you EVER accuse Sidaris of not covering his plot holes.

Edy dresses and gets in her car as the camera cuts to Patticakes, one of the waitresses, swimming in the nearby pool because I guess the restaurant has one of those? It must be a country club or something... that's called Edy's. Michelle, the bartender, calls her cronies and requests an immediate extraction, rushing off to the locker room to get ready.  Patticakes walks in, topless because Sidaris wanted to save face for not letting us see Edy's breasts within a minute of introducing her.  Patticakes is played by Patty Duffek, Playboy's Miss May 1984.  She talks about how great her breasts are for a minute and then leaves, Michelle taking off her wig to reveal she's a Michael. CALLED IT!

Not only that but Michael is played by Michael A. Andrews, better known as Stuart Chamberlain from Malibu Express, where he ALSO was a cross-dresser. This would seem to indicate Malibu Express was just a movie based on Cody's life, and that the actor playing Stuart went on to a life of crime in a drug empire because it was the 1980s and that was by FAR the boom industry at the time. Unless that really was Stuart Chamberlain, just using an alias because he was so ashamed from the fallout of being caught on tape with Shane? Hmm... the plot thickens.

A blue van driver by Woman Thug and Bored Thug pulls up outside, Michael jumping in and telling them where to find Edy. They force her off the road and kidnap her, showing some amazing capability for movie goons. Bravo! Donna and Taryn finally get around to spying on Seth's beach house, finding it heavily guarded by a single guard who is playing Frisbee with a woman on the beach. They watch as a chopper lands on the grounds, bringing Edy to Seth. Deciding they're outgunned, the two agents leave to find Rowdy and Jade.

They drive to a nearby house, waltzing right in to find a phone to use. Inside they see two sumo wrestlers training, Taryn telling Donna she'll handle this as she fancies herself a female James Bond. She begins to speak to them in Spanish, Donna walking past this blonde moment to pick up the phone and just call. Naturally she can't reach her fellow agents so they leave, the camera lingering on the sumo wrestlers sparring because I'd like to see YOU write a feature length story. The Masters of Staying On Topic get back in their jeep and decide to go pick up the newlyweds, because THAT'S important.

They find the woman torn to shreds, Donna reacting with some MAGNIFICENT acting that just screams “I posed for Playboy”. Her husband's dead body is not far away, the two finding his Polaroid camera with a picture of the snake on it. Right, Subplot #211, I nearly forgot about him. Subplot #174 is next, as we go back to Edy's where Jackson who is interviewing two drunk football players in a HILARIOUS interview. Rowdy and Jade arrive looking for Edy, getting a message that Donna left for them to meet back at her place. It's kind of funny watching old movies like this, all I can think is if they had cell phones the plot would have been resolved by now.

The next scene everyone is FINALLY united at Donna's, with a quick establishing shot showing the snake has followed them home and is creeping around outside. The four discuss rescuing Edy, but Donna and Rowdy get bored so go off to have sex. As they lay together naked in post coital bliss, we get this illuminating exchange as Donna asks him what he feels:

“One man's dream is another man's lunch.”
“You son of a bitch.”

Another thing I don't think Sidaris had a handle on was dialogue. I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean, not even a LITTLE. I was sure Taryn and Jade were going to have sex as well, but they stayed on task. PLOT TWIST! We cut to Seth talking to the head of the smugglers, Mr. Chang, on the phone in a scene that attempts to explain what's going on here. Chang uses the remote helicopter to deliver diamonds to Seth, who in return supplies him with drugs. THAT was their plan to evade the Coast Guard? Earlier we saw Chang's boat wasn't that far off shore, I'm pretty sure he would have had issues with the authorities WAY BEFORE he hit that point of Hawaii's waters. This doesn't explain how Seth gets the drugs to him, but that's putting WAY too much thought into a Sidaris film so let's keep going.

In the morning Rowdy surfs along the beach and catches up to the woman that the guard played Frisbee with, as it's something they do daily event though the agents would have had NO WAY of knowing that since Donna and Taryn only did surveillance on Seth's compound for one day. Also, the woman isn't associated with Seth's drug gang at all, she's just a civilian that doesn't think it's weird to play Frisbee with a guy armed with a machine gun.
Rowdy joins the two for a game of catch, secretly switching out their Frisbee for one he made covered in razor blades. Oh wow, are you excited as I am?! Rowdy throws the bladed disc at the guard, BURYING IT INTO HIS NECK IN SLOW MOTION! BOO YAH! The others arrive armed to the fucking teeth while some kick ass 80s action music plays, and we are READY to rock! They shoot, bomb, and kung fu their way through the compound in true Sidaris fashion, murdering the fuck out of everyone and cracking the most generic one liners along the way. They rescue Edy and our heroes stand tall, congratulating each other on a job well done.

Cue the credits.

Or not, it's still going? Donna heads home to clean herself off, while the others head back to Edy's. As they regale each other with war stories, Edy asks a single question:

“Who got that bastard, Seth?”

Taryn brings their van to a screeching halt as everyone looks at each other horrified. THEY FORGOT SETH! THEY FORGOT THE BIG BAD IN ALL OF THIS?! BWA HA HA HA HAH!  How do you even... that'd be like the Bride going through the entire Deadly Viper Assassination Squad and then FORGETTING TO KILL BILL! Donna arrives home and washes up, shockingly NOT doing so via a gratuitous shower scene. And there's Seth, who tries to stab her but gets a harpoon through his shoulder for attempting to do so. Donna begins to kick the crap out of him, leaving him for dead as she goes to the kitchen to get some ice. Rookie mistake there homegirl, because he's back for round two. This time she turns his own knife on him, stabbing him through the gut to finish him off.

Having cut her hand open in the process, she goes into the bathroom to take care of the wound. That's when Snakey Snake EXPLODES OUT OF THE TOILET, backed by an inexplicable light show, because it is his time to shine you bastards! Donna runs back into the living room, where Seth rises from the dead AGAIN. He pulls the knife out of his stomach and advances on her, just in time for the snake to bite him right in the face. GODDAMN, this is NOT Seth's day! This is like the ending of the first Naked Gun movie where Ricardo Montalban kept getting killed deader and deader until he was just a smear on the pavement.

Succumbing to the toxic cancer venom, Seth dies for the fifth or sixth time, I lost count already. The snake turns its attention to Donna, who pulls out a gun and starts headshotting it. Apparently when you get bit by cancerous rats you gain the ability to become bulletproof, because they just bounce off Snakey Snake like nothing. That's when Rowdy comes CRASHING THROUGH THE WALL ON A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE, because Sidaris wouldn't rest until he made the greatest action movie of all time. Rowdy pulls out his trusty bazooka and blows its head off, my attention quickly turning to Seth as I begin to pray he gets back up again, but alas, he's truly dead.

We're STILL not done though, because there's still Mr. Chang to deal with. You know, the guy who's been in this thing for all of a minute? Rowdy and Donna go to see him in his office, where he's protected by a massive bodyguard and apparently nothing else. Like his office is on the top floor of a massive building, wouldn't there be SOME level of security beforehand? Donna hands Rowdy a pair of DEA standard issue nunchucks and he begins to beat down the mountain of a man, only he does it by keeping the weapons closed and using them as a simple club. I guess nunchuck training would have been WAY too expensive for this movie. Chang grabs a samurai sword off the wall and rushes them, but Donna blasts his ass out of the window and he falls to his death because OF COURSE HE WOULD.

We close things out with a scene that is incredibly similar to that of the last movie, the entire cast of characters gathered on the back of the Malibu Express and drinking the finest champagne. Even the reactionary shots are identical to those from that ending.  Taryn discusses her plan to go back for the other case of diamonds, since she's technically not a DEA agent she isn't legally bound to turn them in.  She plans to sell them and spread the wealth among her friends, everyone toasting her as we fade out.

Cue the credits, which are set to a montage of shots from the movie that seem a TAD preoccupied with the ones containing nudity. Huh.

My God, this film was AMAZING. Super bazooka taking out blow up dolls, razor Frisbee, cancer infected giant snake, and an unkillable main bad guy that our heroes forgot, this had everything to the point you didn't even NEED the kitchen sink. Easily the most fun I've had reviewing a movie on here since the REAL Robocop, which is about the highest praise I can give.

Sure, the story was a mess and the acting was atrocious (ESPECIALLY Harold Diamond), but this is one of those movies where it all works in its favour. I would have been INSULTED if this had a cohesive story and good acting, to be honest. I love how eventually the insanity starts becoming logic, like sure, that guy is carrying a blow up doll while he tries to kill federal agents. Why WOULDN'T he be? The bizarre padding scenes are all gold too, they are SO weird.

Despite all of this, I still wouldn't rank this above the Room or Samurai Cop though. There's a bit too much craftsmanship involved here, which is a very strange thing to say about an Andy Sidaris film. One can largely follow everything going on here without getting a massive headache or having to rewind every three minutes trying to piece thing together. It has a lot of laugh out loud moments, but not as many as those other two films. It is still a hall of fame movie that you absolutely should go out of your way to see, and is truly the crown jewel of the Sidaris Collection.