A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Guns

“Hope was terrific. She was good on the screen, but she was difficult. She thought she should be doing bigger and better, and we said please go do bigger and better. She was not a team player as much as we would have liked, but she delivered for us. She was always late, and very difficult, and she knows it. But we're happy she did our pictures, and she certainly had great sex appeal, but she just wasn't quite with the program. She's a nice enough person, she just wasn't right for the program. She finally had her breasts made just right, and when we were getting ready to make Guns, she said 'I don't want to expose my breasts.' We said 'Hope, bless you, child, we think the world of you, God Bless you, but we'll see you later.' Who the hell are we kidding?” - Andy Sidaris on Hope Marie Carlton

Previously on Savage Beach...

I'm still not really sure. A Filipino revolutionary named Martinez was playing all sides to steal a bunch of gold, half the cast was masquerading as someone else, and we got some clunky back story about Taryn's grandfather getting murdered by Crazy Katana Man. It was a very rough movie to sit through.

The 1980s are dead, long live the 1990s! The ULTRA creatively titled Guns is kicking off the new decade, although it's still very much a 1980s style movie. 1990s style action wouldn't truly begin until the following year when James Cameron and Terminator 2 redefined the genre forever, but that's another review for another time. Guns is most memorable for bringing the legendary Erik Estrada into the Sidarisverse, one of the most engaging actors to ever grace the silver screen. While his career has mostly consisted of TERRIBLE B and C-grade level movies, you can't once tell me he wasn't the shining highlight of any of them. Let's see what kind of magic he can work with this one, as it's now time for A Ghoul Versus Guns!

A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Savage Beach (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1!

The agents check into their room and are brought room service by two other Japanese men that look a tad bit conspicuous, especially when they pull out blades and try to kill them.  One of the men is played by the awesomely mustached Al Leong, a famous actor I'm sure you've seen in at least several movies as he's been in hits such as Die Hard, Big Trouble In Little China, Lethal Weapon, and Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure.  A 1980s martial arts movie breaks out as I've pretty much given up on this entire thing. I'm sure the would be assassins will get explained soon enough, but how much shit do we NEED in this movie?! Once again, this feels like Sidaris just put three partial scripts he had in a blender and assembled one movie out of them. The fight between four characters we know absolutely nothing about drags on until the assassins win... and then don't kill the agents.

INSTEAD, they take the agents' clothes because this is now Dress Up: The Movie and forge their own ID's. I really hope at the end of this movie like twenty naked guys run out all at once to call out all the imposters going on.  The assassins search the room and find ANOTHER fucking disc, which mercifully ends the scene. Trying to sit through this movie is an endurance test unto itself. The pilots find a beach to land on but just because they're ostensibly the stars of this movie is no reason to focus on them so let's see what those wacky assassins are doing now. They enter the Pearl Harbor Naval Complex thanks to their faked credentials in a scene highlighted by a security guard glancing directly into the camera as he walks out of the frame.

A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Savage Beach (Part 1)

“I think I'm a pretty good storyteller. I think Savage Beach is as good a story as anything. It's a throwback to the old days of adventure pictures. Anybody can shoot a back alley and have two guys say 'motherfucker', stab each other and call that a movie. That's what most people do. We don't do that. We don't hold women hostage, or slash their throats. I see movies that are so despicably mean spirited that I can't believe them.” - Andy Sidaris

Previously on The Picasso Trigger...

Donna and Taryn took a backseat from their usual adventuring to get involved in a story about a guy named Salazar trying to kill a guy named Ortiz who was trying to kill members of the Agency, only to have them try to kill him and then try to kill Salazar because... actually, never mind. I'm getting the brain pains just thinking about it.

One year later, one more Sidarisverse movie. This one is Savage Beach, starring the usual gang of blondness and their hedonistic ways. Hopefully another Abilene relative turns up, because Donna's not going to be happy until she's banged her way through the entire family tree. Get ready to hit the jacuzzi, because it's time for A Ghoul Versus Savage Beach!