Tuesday, February 3, 2015

A Ghoul Versus The Andy Sidaris Collection: Savage Beach (Part 1)

I think I'm a pretty good storyteller. I think Savage Beach is as good a story as anything. It's a throwback to the old days of adventure pictures. Anybody can shoot a back alley and have two guys say 'motherfucker', stab each other and call that a movie. That's what most people do. We don't do that. We don't hold women hostage, or slash their throats. I see movies that are so despicably mean spirited that I can't believe them.” - Andy Sidaris

Donna and Taryn took a backseat from their usual adventuring to get involved in a story about a guy named Salazar trying to kill a guy named Ortiz who was trying to kill members of the Agency, only to have them try to kill him and then try to kill Salazar because... actually, never mind. I'm getting the brain pains just thinking about it.

One year later, one more Sidarisverse movie. This one is Savage Beach, starring the usual gang of blondness and their hedonistic ways. Hopefully another Abilene relative turns up, because Donna's not going to be happy until she's banged her way through the entire family tree. Get ready to hit the jacuzzi, because it's time for A Ghoul Versus Savage Beach!

We open with Patticakes and another woman named Rocky riding scooters up to a warehouse, where they catch the eye of two of the workers and lead them away to the dock. Just ONCE I'd like to see a movie where the schlubby guy REJECTS the way-out-of-his-league woman hitting on him because it's obvious she's playing him like a fiddle. “Yeah sorry hun, I don't wanna end up with a bullet between my eyes so get outta here!”. The workers' base desires clear the coast for Donna and Taryn to pull up in their jeep and sneak into the building. You can tell they mean business because Taryn is wielding an uzi! Donna searches crates marked pineapples, finding them to fake and filled with cocaine instead. Hey, you realize this is the first time in the series we've seen Donna doing ACTUAL DEA stuff?

She enters the office of the manager and attempts to arrest him in a very funny scene where she shows him her badge and warrant, so he in turn shows her his shotgun. Alerted by the gunfire, the workers subdue Patti and Rocky and enter the warehouse to help. One shootout later and our ladies have stopped some drug dealers, so what better way to relax than with a TOPLESS JACUZZI SESSION?! This accomplishes nothing besides letting us see all of the actresses naked before the ten minute mark, so smooth sailing so far.  But eventually nipples have to give way to a plot, so we get that in the next scene where we go to a hospital at nearby Knox Island. It seems a group of children there are very sick and need for vaccine, so the doctor calls Honolulu to get some more flown in.
Andy Sidaris, who is no longer playing Hollywood mogul Whitey but is now a radio operator, answers the call and patches it through. The doctor wants to speak with a man named Shane, but he's busy railing some brunette in his swimming pool. And sure enough, the man is Shane Abilene! Damn, the Abilene family has more cousins than the Wayans and the Weasleys COMBINED. Shane takes the call and promises to have the vaccine delivered within the next day. Uh oh, established time frame in a movie... I have the feeling things AREN'T going to go exactly according to plan.

Rocky, who is posing as the owner of a restaurant because apparently they couldn't get Cynthia Brimhall back to play Edy, meets with the rest of her fellow agents just in time for Shane to call all of them for a meeting. Rocky is played by Lisa London, an actress who surprisingly ISN'T a former Playmate HOWEVER she did star in one of their erotic Twilight Zone knockoff movies so close enough. Her filmography is mostly filled with roles like “hooker”, “redhead”, and “busty secretary”, but unlike pretty much every actress in the Sidarisverse, she's been getting steady acting gigs the past two decades. Arguably her biggest role is due this year, where she's set to have a part in the rabidly anticipated Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance.

Shane, played by an actor named Michael Shane in his debut role, assigns Donna and Taryn the mission of delivering the serum. He tells them this through what I describe as “interpretive acting”, it feels like he's doing a table read instead of trying to deliver his lines. We better get used to him though, Michael Shane is going to be the first Abilene cousin to have a recurring role in the Sidarisverse. His “acting” is also enough to diffuse the question of why the DEA would be making medicine deliveries, because we've just seen they already have bigger fish to fry. I mean, I guess Donna and Taryn's cover has ALWAYS been pilots but you'd think after all their high profile cases every hood in Hawaii would know they're DEA agents.

Donna and Taryn ready their plane while Shane arrives via helicopter to trade double entendres with Donna. PROFESSIONALISM! Although I'm sure he's heard from his three other cousins about how easy Donna is, so this is just obligatory foreplay for him. In the middle of this, it gets set up that a massive storm is going to be brewing around the island so they have to get in and get out as quickly as possible. If you're keeping track, that is now TWO ticking clocks the movie has thrown our way. We just need one of the agents to get infected with whatever disease is on Knox Island and we'll have ourselves a bingo.

This movie being too clear and concise for you so far? Well, you're in luck because the next scene arrives to throw a spanner or nine into the works. Rodrigo Martinez, a Filipino government agent, meets with Naval Captain Andreas about... I have no idea really. Andreas says something about how he's commissioned one of the Star Wars satellites for 40 hours to do Martinez a favour at great personal risk to America's safety, and WOW do I get the feeling I'm going to have a massive headache by the time the credits roll. Since when does the Navy get control of satellites in space? Anyway, Andreas says the satellite's findings are being delivered by a courier at this very moment, which is the next character we join.

He's in a car that is hilariously marked “US ARMY” with tiny stickers the film crew bought from a hardware story when a motorcycle pulls up to his window and shoots him with a knockout dart. The biker steals his clothes to impersonate him and arrives at the meeting in his place, handing the disc to Andreas. This is a good time to mention all of these actors are people we've seen before, Andreas is played by John “The Picasso Trigger” Aprea, Martinez is played by Rodrigo “I Die In Every Movie” Obregon, and the impersonator is Bruce Penhall, who was one of Salazar's goons in the last film. Penhall was a pretty big star back in the day, going from a professional racer to starring in the final season of the mega-popular television show ChiPs, so naturally they're going to stick him on a bike EVERY FREAKING CHANCE THEY GET.

A lab tech analyzes the disc to give us our plot: during World War II the Japanese stole a bunch of gold from the Philippines but a storm sunk their ship and it's been buried at the bottom of the ocean for over forty years. Martinez contacted Andreas to use his connections to help him find it as quickly as possible, because Japanese agents are ALSO looking for it. Aprea reads these horribly clunky paragraphs of exposition like he literally doesn't understand a word of what he's saying, and I for one cannot blame him in the slightest. There's also something about a Japanese admiral named Inada that knows the location of the ship, but as usual the dialogue flies by so fast it's hopelessly confusing.

And hey, there's Inada, slowly dying from cancer in a hospital bed, meeting with the two Japanese agents trying to track down the gold. This actually leads to a FLASHBACK of his World War II days, and... really?! We're doing this?!? I mean, this is a series of boob-filled montages impersonating as a movie. Do we really need a back story this fucking complex? Sidaris sure thought so, so gives us a few minutes of young Inada prattling on about the gold before returning to the present so old Inada can CONTINUE to prattle on about the gold. I am falling asleep right now. It turns out the two agents are actually working with the Navy to find the gold so they can return it to the Philippines and restore their country's honor... or something. So this likely means Martinez is lying about his intentions and is just trying to pocket the gold for himself, which I find it very easy to believe seeing as how his actor has played a shady bad guy in the last two films.

Whatever the hell this whole scene was about FINALLY ends and we go back to Donna and Taryn landing on Knox Island. The weather is already starting to turn nasty, so the women hustle as fast as they can to get back in the sky after dropping off the vaccine. Next, we see Martinez driving out to a remote field where the lab tech from earlier is waiting for him. Is EVERYONE in this movie trying to play each other? This is fast becoming a clusterfuck for the ages. Again, I have no idea what they're talking about except I think the tech lied about the information he found on the disc and gives Martinez the REAL location of the gold. Martinez gives him a briefcase full of money and leaves, the tech opening it and getting his ass explodinated. I'm immediately relived because that's one less double agent in the movie to keep track of. This does lead to what is EASILY the movie's best line, Martinez cracking “Don't spend it all in one PIECE! HAW HAW HAW!” and driving away. That laugh was EPIC.

Donna and Taryn fly through the extremely dangerous storm, but that's no reason they can't get naked RIGHT? I mean, their clothes are soaking wet after all! There is gratuitous nudity and then there's Sidarisverse nudity. Sidaris keeps it rolling into the next scene, where Martinez and his revolutionary girlfriend Anjelica are toasting to their upcoming fortune. Wow, what a shock. Martinez is a bad guy. The draw here is Anjelica, and not because she gets naked. She is played by Teri Weigel, Playboy's Miss April 1986. She's one of the more infamous Playmates as she made the transition from Playboy to hardcore pornography, the only Playmate ever to do so.

She also has a filmography of roles in many B-movie classics such as Cheerleader Camp (which I've mentioned before and desperately need to review eventually), Return of the Killer Tomatoes, and even blockbuster fare such as Predator 2. And I'm going to go out on a limb here and wager she got those roles based off her looks and not her acting, because it's... well, let's just say she makes Shane seem not so- no, scratch that. They're both WRETCHED. In Weigel's defense, she at least seems like she's TRYING to act so point to her. She strips off her lingerie and begins to have sex with Martinez, very very AWKWARD looking sex. I think even Sidaris started to get creeped out, so he quickly switched back to the pilots.

Lightning takes out their instruments and, apparently, their ability to act because they make their performance in Hard Ticket to Hawaii look AMAZING in this scene. They decide to fly until they can find a place to land, hoping their fuel will last long enough. The scene transitions from their plane to the plane of the Japanese agents landing in Honolulu and getting in a rental car. Unbeknownst to them they are being followed by Anjelica, who is basically just wearing an unbuttoned shirt with no bra. Damn, at this point I say just let her have the gold so she can afford to buy some clothes. She follows them to the hotel they're staying at, and should I even be bothering to ask how she knew they were arriving in Hawaii? Or how Martinez even knew about the agents in the first place? No? Okay.

Click here for Part 2!