Donna and Taryn took a backseat from
their usual adventuring to get involved in a story about a guy named
Salazar trying to kill a guy named Ortiz who was trying to kill
members of the Agency, only to have them try to kill him and then try
to kill Salazar because... actually, never mind. I'm getting the
brain pains just thinking about it.
One year later, one more Sidarisverse
movie. This one is Savage Beach, starring the usual
gang of blondness and their hedonistic ways. Hopefully another
Abilene relative turns up, because Donna's not going to be happy
until she's banged her way through the entire family tree. Get ready
to hit the jacuzzi, because it's time for A Ghoul Versus Savage
Beach!
We open with
Patticakes and another woman named Rocky riding scooters up to a
warehouse, where they catch the eye of two of the workers and lead
them away to the dock. Just ONCE I'd like to see a movie where the
schlubby guy REJECTS the way-out-of-his-league woman hitting on him
because it's obvious she's playing him like a fiddle. “Yeah sorry
hun, I don't wanna end up with a bullet between my eyes so get outta
here!”. The workers' base desires clear the coast for Donna and
Taryn to pull up in their jeep and sneak into the building. You can
tell they mean business because Taryn is wielding an uzi! Donna
searches crates marked pineapples, finding them to fake and filled
with cocaine instead. Hey, you realize this is the first time in the
series we've seen Donna doing ACTUAL DEA stuff?
She enters the
office of the manager and attempts to arrest him in a very funny
scene where she shows him her badge and warrant, so he in turn shows
her his shotgun. Alerted by the gunfire, the workers subdue Patti
and Rocky and enter the warehouse to help. One shootout later and
our ladies have stopped some drug dealers, so what better way to
relax than with a TOPLESS JACUZZI SESSION?! This accomplishes
nothing besides letting us see all of the actresses naked before the
ten minute mark, so smooth sailing so far. But eventually
nipples have to give way to a plot, so we get that in the next scene
where we go to a hospital at nearby Knox Island. It seems a group of
children there are very sick and need for vaccine, so the doctor
calls Honolulu to get some more flown in.
Andy Sidaris, who is no
longer playing Hollywood mogul Whitey but is now a radio operator,
answers the call and patches it through. The doctor wants to speak
with a man named Shane, but he's busy railing some brunette in his
swimming pool. And sure enough, the man is Shane Abilene! Damn, the
Abilene family has more cousins than the Wayans and the Weasleys
COMBINED. Shane takes the call and promises to have the vaccine
delivered within the next day. Uh oh, established time frame in a
movie... I have the feeling things AREN'T going to go exactly
according to plan.
Rocky, who is
posing as the owner of a restaurant because apparently they couldn't
get Cynthia Brimhall back to play Edy, meets with the rest of her
fellow agents just in time for Shane to call all of them for a
meeting. Rocky is played by Lisa London, an actress who surprisingly
ISN'T a former Playmate HOWEVER she did star in one of their erotic
Twilight Zone knockoff movies so close enough. Her
filmography is mostly filled with roles like “hooker”, “redhead”,
and “busty secretary”, but unlike pretty much every actress in
the Sidarisverse, she's been getting steady acting gigs the past two
decades. Arguably her biggest role is due this year, where she's set
to have a part in the rabidly anticipated Samurai Cop 2: Deadly
Vengeance.
Shane, played by an
actor named Michael Shane in his debut role, assigns Donna and Taryn
the mission of delivering the serum. He tells them this through what
I describe as “interpretive acting”, it feels like he's doing a
table read instead of trying to deliver his lines. We better get
used to him though, Michael Shane is going to be the first Abilene
cousin to have a recurring role in the Sidarisverse. His “acting”
is also enough to diffuse the question of why the DEA would be making
medicine deliveries, because we've just seen they already have bigger
fish to fry. I mean, I guess Donna and Taryn's cover has ALWAYS been
pilots but you'd think after all their high profile cases every hood
in Hawaii would know they're DEA agents.
Donna and Taryn
ready their plane while Shane arrives via helicopter to trade double
entendres with Donna. PROFESSIONALISM! Although I'm sure he's heard
from his three other cousins about how easy Donna is, so this is just
obligatory foreplay for him. In the middle of this, it gets set up
that a massive storm is going to be brewing around the island so they
have to get in and get out as quickly as possible. If you're keeping
track, that is now TWO ticking clocks the movie has thrown our way.
We just need one of the agents to get infected with whatever disease
is on Knox Island and we'll have ourselves a bingo.
This
movie being too clear and concise for you so far? Well, you're in
luck because the next scene
arrives to throw a spanner or nine into the works. Rodrigo Martinez,
a Filipino government agent, meets with Naval Captain Andreas
about... I have no idea really. Andreas says something about how
he's commissioned one of the Star Wars satellites for 40 hours to do
Martinez a favour at great personal risk to America's safety, and WOW
do I get the feeling I'm going to have a massive headache by the time
the credits roll. Since when does the Navy get control of satellites
in space? Anyway, Andreas says the satellite's findings are being
delivered by a courier at this very moment, which is the next
character we join.
He's
in a car that is hilariously marked “US ARMY” with tiny stickers
the film crew bought from a hardware story when a motorcycle pulls up
to his window and shoots him with a knockout dart. The biker steals
his clothes to impersonate him and arrives at the meeting in his
place, handing the disc to Andreas. This is a good time to mention
all of these actors are people we've seen before, Andreas is played
by John “The Picasso Trigger” Aprea, Martinez is played by
Rodrigo “I Die In Every Movie” Obregon, and the impersonator is
Bruce Penhall, who was one of Salazar's goons in the last film.
Penhall was a pretty big star back in the day, going from a
professional racer to starring in the final season of the
mega-popular television show ChiPs,
so naturally they're going to stick him on a bike EVERY FREAKING
CHANCE THEY GET.
A lab
tech analyzes the disc to give us our plot: during World War II the
Japanese stole a bunch of gold from the Philippines but a storm sunk
their ship and it's been buried at the bottom of the ocean for over
forty years. Martinez contacted Andreas to use his connections to
help him find it as quickly as possible, because Japanese agents are
ALSO looking for it. Aprea reads these horribly clunky paragraphs of
exposition like he literally doesn't understand a word of what he's
saying, and I for one cannot blame him in the slightest. There's
also something about a Japanese admiral named Inada that knows the
location of the ship, but as usual the dialogue flies by so fast it's
hopelessly confusing.
And
hey, there's Inada, slowly dying from cancer in a hospital bed,
meeting with the two Japanese agents trying to track down the gold.
This actually leads to a FLASHBACK of his World War II days, and...
really?! We're doing this?!? I mean, this is a series of
boob-filled montages impersonating as a movie. Do we really need a
back story this fucking complex? Sidaris sure thought so, so gives
us a few minutes of young Inada prattling on about the gold before
returning to the present so old Inada can CONTINUE to prattle on
about the gold. I am falling asleep right now. It turns out the two
agents are actually working with the Navy to find the gold so they
can return it to the Philippines and restore their country's honor...
or something. So this likely means Martinez is lying about his
intentions and is just trying to pocket the gold for himself, which I
find it very easy to believe seeing as how his actor has played a
shady bad guy in the last two films.
Whatever
the hell this whole scene was about FINALLY ends and we go back to
Donna and Taryn landing on Knox Island. The weather is already
starting to turn nasty, so the women hustle as fast as they can to
get back in the sky after dropping off the vaccine. Next, we see
Martinez driving out to a remote field where the lab tech from
earlier is waiting for him. Is EVERYONE in this movie trying to play
each other? This is fast becoming a clusterfuck for the ages.
Again, I have no idea what they're talking about except I think the
tech lied about the information he found on the disc and gives
Martinez the REAL location of the gold. Martinez gives him a
briefcase full of money and leaves, the tech opening it and getting
his ass explodinated. I'm immediately relived because that's one
less double agent in the movie to keep track of. This does lead to
what is EASILY the movie's best line, Martinez cracking “Don't
spend it all in one PIECE! HAW HAW HAW!” and driving away. That
laugh was EPIC.
Donna
and Taryn fly through the extremely dangerous storm, but that's no
reason they can't get naked RIGHT? I mean, their clothes are soaking
wet after all! There is gratuitous nudity and then there's
Sidarisverse nudity. Sidaris keeps it rolling into the next scene,
where Martinez and his revolutionary girlfriend Anjelica are toasting
to their upcoming fortune. Wow, what a shock. Martinez is a bad
guy. The draw here is Anjelica, and not because she gets naked. She
is played by Teri Weigel, Playboy's Miss April 1986. She's one of
the more infamous Playmates as she made the transition from Playboy
to hardcore pornography, the only Playmate ever to do so.
She
also has a filmography of roles in many B-movie classics such as
Cheerleader Camp (which
I've mentioned before and desperately need to review eventually),
Return of the Killer Tomatoes,
and even blockbuster fare such as Predator 2.
And I'm going to go out on a limb here and wager she got those roles
based off her looks and not her acting, because it's... well, let's
just say she makes Shane seem not so- no, scratch that. They're both
WRETCHED. In Weigel's defense, she at least seems like she's TRYING
to act so point to her. She strips off her lingerie and begins to
have sex with Martinez, very very AWKWARD looking sex. I think even
Sidaris started to get creeped out, so he quickly switched back to
the pilots.
Lightning
takes out their instruments and, apparently, their ability to act
because they make their performance in Hard Ticket to
Hawaii look AMAZING in this
scene. They decide to fly until they can find a place to land,
hoping their fuel will last long enough. The scene transitions from
their plane to the plane of the Japanese agents landing in Honolulu
and getting in a rental car. Unbeknownst to them they are being
followed by Anjelica, who is basically just wearing an unbuttoned
shirt with no bra. Damn, at this point I say just let her have the
gold so she can afford to buy some clothes. She follows them to the
hotel they're staying at, and should I even be bothering to ask how
she knew they were arriving in Hawaii? Or how Martinez even knew
about the agents in the first place? No? Okay.
Click here for Part 2!
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