With a review like
that, how could I possibly resist this one? I'd never heard of this,
but judging by its box office I'm guessing no one else did either. It
was released in theaters on May 2, 2014 and enjoyed an epic run of
several
weeks where it grossed a
whopping $60,000 against its budget of $15 million dollars, then
quietly came out on home video a month later. This thing bombed
harder than a Heidi Montag album.
Steven Brill wrote and directed today's box office darling. He is the man behind such cinematic titans as Mr. Deeds, Drillbit Taylor, Without A Paddle (but not its sequel because I guess even hacks have standards), and my personal favourite LITTLE NICKY, a film which actually featured a character looking directly into the camera and saying “Popeye's Chicken is the shiz-nit!”. With a man this talented behind the camera and the script, this movie HAS to be quality right? Let's find out with A Ghoul Versus Walk Of Shame!
Our film opens
with lots of clips of news reporters failing at their job, which are
all actually recreations of famous YouTube clips including my
all-time favourite of Isiah Carey taking a grasshopper in the mouth. I'm pretty sure a
couple are the real things, but no way am I invested enough in this
movie to find out. Our last clip is of Los Angeles reporter Meghan
Miles, played by Elizabeth “Yes, they had VERY damning blackmail
photos of me and that's the only reason I'm here” Banks, who is
doing a story at a pet shelter when she gets attacked by cats.
The movie begins
with Meghan heading to “CNB”, the famous national news network we
all know and love, for an interview so she can step out of doing
local news and into the big leagues. Her interview goes pretty well,
the executives asking if she has any skeletons in her closet. She
replies she doesn't, as she's a “good girl”. We cut to two
weeks later as she learns from her producer Dan that it's just down
to her and another reporter named Wendy Chang. She gets a call from
her best friend Rose, who is played by Gillian Jacobs, an actress who
sure can pick TV shows to star in (hello, Community!)
but can't pick a good movie script to save her life.
Rose wants to go
out to celebrate, Meghan pointing out she hasn't gotten the job yet
which Rose dismisses as a “minor detail”. Meghan delivers the
news, the top story there's going to be major construction on the
freeway this weekend and it'll be shut down while this goes on. We
meet Chopper Steve, played by a horrifyingly unfunny Kevin Nealon,
who is the station's “eye in the sky” helicopter pilot. I'm
guessing Nealon must have spent all of his money from Weeds
already, and is HELLA bitter about it judging by the performance he
turns in here.
I probably should
mention that this IS a comedy... in theory. Comedy is the most
subjective thing in the entire world to review, as it is SO
interpretative to everyone. But I think it's safe to say there's a
generally accepted rule that good comedy actually tries to be witty,
going for something a little deeper than a man getting hit in the
crotch or a man dressing like a woman. However, even
physical comedy has its (slight) place in the world but the one thing
I can't STAND is stereotypical humour. The over-reliance of
per-established cliches that we've all seen a thousand times over
with NO attempt to bring any kind of new ideas to them.
Nealon plays such
a character here: the eternally self-depreciating loser. “Wah wah,
my life sucks and I hilariously talk about suicide a lot”, you know
what I'm talking about. I should be thankful though, he inspired me
to actually stay interested in this movie by playing a game “Guess
What's Going To Happen Next” since it seems like things might get a
tad predictable All of my guesses were written as I watched the movie
for the first time, so I had NO idea what was going to happen.
Later that night
Rose arrives at Meghan's house along with their other friend Denise,
whom is wearing the skin tight Marc Jacobs yellow dress that's been
plastered all over the marketing of this movie. Denise is really
really stupid, but at least they avoided the cliché of having her be
blonde. Oh
wait, Denise ISN'T the brunette? Dammit.
They find Meghan's
house is almost empty, as her fiancee Kyle has recently left her and
taken everything with him. And just to make sure we get that Meghan's
life sucks, she gets a call from Dan who informs her CNB has gone
with Chang for the job. What happens next? I think Meghan
is going to go out with her friends for a night of montage drinking
and dancing, get completely hammered, go home with some handsome
stud, and end up making a walk of shame home because the guy turns
out to be CRAZY!
Rose tries to
cheer her up by saying they'll take her out for a night of fun,
having Meghan switch clothes with Denise so she can look "nice
and slutty". This is nitpicking here but the dress is pretty
short on Denise, played by actress named Sarah Wright who is a rather
tall 5'9”. When Elizabeth Banks, who is barely 5'5”, puts it on,
it's also somewhat short on her despite the fact it should go down to
her knees.
They go out
drinking, and we have montage drinking and dancing! Meghan gets
hammered and goes to find the bathroom, opening a door and I SWEAR
the second she opened it I knew she was going to get locked outside
because the door wouldn't have a handle on it. That happens, but
thankfully she runs into the bartender who served her drinks earlier.
He's played by... JAMES MARSDEN?!? Wow, going from The
Butler to THIS they must ALSO have
some seriously messed up photos of him doing unspeakable things.
Worse
than starring in The
Box
even!
James Marsden
REALLY better be careful from here on out, as he is THIS CLOSE to
getting typecast as the dumb hunky guy for the rest of his career. He
and Meghan go on to exchange some banter so chemistry free that the
movie has to shove romantic music in to make us believe they're
actually “hitting it off”. The music does the
trick, as she wants to go back to his place. Since he's sober and
doesn't own a car, he drives her car back to his place. I think a
scene got cut here where the two make a bet over who can do the WORST
impression of a drunk, because the next scene makes no sense
otherwise. If this movie actually had a wide release, this single
scene probably would have killed both actors' careers.
The “drunker”
they get, the more they start losing their clothes until they have
sex. Meghan wakes up early the next morning, gathering her stuff up
but is unable to locate her phone. She uses James' phone (they
haven't given him a name yet) to call her voicemail, discovering Dan
has left her a message that Chang isn't getting the job because
scandalous pictures of her have surfaced on Twitter and that makes
her too risky for CNB. Can you even remember what movies did for plot
devices before the internet? I'm truly starting to forget. Dan tells
her the network is going to come watch her broadcast today to make
sure she's a right fit for them.
It appears I was
wrong about James turning out to be CRAZY, but called everything
else. I'm guessing Meghan is going to leave his place, making the
walk of shame as she engages in a citywide adventure full of WACKY
AND ZANY situations as she tries to make her way to work so she can
land her dream job! As Meghan goes to get her dress a cat
appears, blocking her path and glaring at her ominously.
In addition to the
opening, they've made a reference that cats hate Meghan so this is
going to be a running gag I'm sure. She grabs a box and traps the cat
underneath it, grabbing her dress and putting it on. She then turns
around to find the cat free and ready to attack, a demonic CGI look
on its face. The cat starts
chasing her as she grabs the rest of her things and books it out the
door. I can't say I blame her for that one, that cat was straight out
of the fiery pits of Hell. Outside, she sees her car being towed away
as James parked it in a tow-away zone.
She tries to go
back to the apartment, the security door is locked and she has no
idea which apartment James lived in so she can't buzz him. She spots
a nearby taxicab, but as she approaches it the driver pulls a gun on
her because he thought she was trying to sneak up on him. Being set
in Los Angeles I can accept that, what I can't accept is the cabbie
JUST HAPPENS to be Middle Eastern and doesn't speak English that
well.
This, of course,
leads to a KNEE SLAPPING bit where she wants him to drive her to the
place they “tow to” which he misunderstands as “Tattoo”, a
strip club. BWA HA HA HA HAH! How do they think of this stuff?! She tries to
explain this misunderstanding, but the only thing he gets out of it
is she doesn't have any money as her purse was in her car. He
threatens to drive her to jail, which is where a SMART person would
be all “Fine! They can help me straighten everything out!” but as
we're going to learn Meghan is faaaaaaaaaaaaar from a smart person.
The cabbie is
under the impression that Meghan is a “working girl” based off
how she's dressed, and it's safe to say that's ALSO going to be a
running gag throughout the movie. I wonder if Brill actually wrote a
script for this movie or just had a checklist of cliches he filmed
off of. He demands she
give him lap dances in lieu of money, lap dances set to Alanis
Morrissette music because... I literally have no idea. Is that really
good stripping music? Who hears “Thank You” and wants to
start bumping and/or grinding? Meghan is all “AW HELL NO!” but he
pulls his gun again because THAT'S not rapey at all, so she agrees to
give him two lap dances. Yikes.
Meghan proceeds to
get out of the cab and takes off running, quickly getting lost in the
dark and dangerous streets of LA. She flags down a car for a ride,
but when the guy discovers she ISN'T a hooker he drives off. Sigh. Is
that going to be the WHOLE movie? One paper thin joke stretched
across an half and a half movie? Also, does she REALLY look like a
hooker?
Maybe it's just
me, but I just don't think she looks like a hooker at all. I suppose
the dress is a little short even though it should be four inches
longer, but I don't know... she just looks like a woman dressed up
for a nice party to me. And speaking of
hookers, they start appearing out of thin air and harass her for
tricking on their turf. We see two cops are watching this unfold from
nearby, jumping to the same conclusion about Meghan that everyone
else has so far.
They YELL at her,
telling her to grow the fuck up and drive off, completely ignoring
her as she tries to explain what's going on. WOW. That was actually a
pretty disturbing scene, despite the follo wup dialogue with the two
assholes trying to justify it as “tough love”. A cabbie trying to
coerce Meghan into giving him lapdances with a gun to cops being
cruel assholes, are you laughing yet at this "comedy"? The hookers chase
Meghan away as the sun begins to rise. So instead of trying to find
another taxi or a local business where she can borrow a phone, what
does she do? If you answered “track down some drug dealers and ask
to use their phone”, thank you SO MUCH for reading my movie review
Steven Brill!
The dealer she
approaches is, of course, a young black man named Scrilla who talks
“street”. I actually thought for a second they were going to go
with the “street thug who talks eloquently which is funny because
that's not how you think they'd talk!”, a trope which is almost
equally as prevalent as the street talking kind, but it was a 50/50
shot. Scrilla... what is this the fourth or fifth scene in a row of
the exact same joke already? I've lost count. Scrilla thinks Meghan
is a hooker, which she does nothing to dispel by talking as vague as
humanly possible. It's like she gets DUMBER every scene so the movie
can keep happening.
Before any more
stupidity can happen, cop cars pull up and start chasing Scrilla.
Meghan runs after him because... um... because. Did I mention this
was a comedy? I know it's very easy to forget that, so here's a
sample of the quality jokes this movie gives us:
“Bitch,
why you so fast?!”
“I
ran track in high school!”
WHOO! Really
swinging for the fences with that one! Though I am impressed Meghan
is able to run in high heels, so there's that. They make their way to
Scrilla's hideout, where a giant of a man named Hulk demands to know
why Meghan is there. Good question! Meghan quips she
was “running from the 5-0” and BOY am I starting to not like this
movie now. Hulk asks who she is, Scrilla saying she's just some “dumb
hoe” to which Meghan readily agrees. Did I say not like? I meant
HATE. The parade of stereotype continues as Hulk turns out to be the
SMART drug dealer and I SWEAR I didn't know they were going to do
that in advance.
Hulk thinks Meghan
is an undercover cop in her expensive Marc Jacobs dress, because he's
also a fashion expert and... damn my attention is really starting to
drift here. As Scrilla and Hulk argue over whether Meghan
is a hooker or a cop, a junkie named Pookie wanders into the frame
and says Meghan is “the bitch from the news”, which she ALSO
readily agrees to. Ohhhhkay, what has Elizabeth Banks been up
to since Scrubs? Let's take a look at her last few major movies:
The Lego Movie
(2014) – grossed $467 million
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013)
– grossed $864 millionPitch Perfect (2012) – grossed $113 million
The Hunger Games (2012) – grossed $691 million
That is over TWO
BILLION DOLLARS. Either she a) got paid in day old seafood instead of
money, b) got in deep with the Japanese Yakuza and owes them some
serious yen, or c) those blackmail photos Steven Brill has of her
involving Malaysia Flight 370. Those are the ONLY reasons I can
accept why she signed onto this travesty.
In the film's
obsession to hit rock bottom, Scrilla wonders why a reporter would be
in the hood sucking dick for crack. When Meghan says that's not what
she's doing, Scrilla counters with “so you haven't sucked a single
dick tonight?” to which she hesitates as she remembers her night
with James. For the love of God, just TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED! This is the worst
kind of movie, where everyone is brain dead just for plot
convenience.
And relies on racist and sexist stereotypes. And has Godawful jokes
that are too highbrow for your average CBS sitcom. And- this might be
my longest review ever if every scene is going to piss me off this
bad. Pookie goes on to tell Meghan what a fan he is of hers... and
then launches into some very insightful tips on how she can
improve her demeanor during broadcasts.
I guess a couple
of Meghan's braincells start sparking as she FINALLY tells the drug
dealers what's going on. Amazing, absolutely amazing. Scrilla gives
her his phone, buuuuut in probably the only realistic moment in the
ENTIRE movie happens as she realizes she doesn't actually know
anyone's phone numbers as they're all just speed dials on her cell. I
begrudgingly have to give this film that one.
Click here for Part 2!
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