Back
in the present, Clark goes to church for advice because I guess
Jor-El's off filming Noah
or something and is too busy to talk. He tells the priest that he's
the one Zod wants but doesn't know what to do about it. The priest
asks what his feelings tell him, Clark replying Zod can't be trusted
but he's not sure the people of Earth can either. Clark goes to
leave, the priest telling him sometimes you have to take a leap of
faith first and that trust will come later. Most of this scene has
Clark's face framed against a giant image of Jesus because this
movie sucks. Subtlety,
thy name sure as Hell isn't Zack Snyder.
Clark
meets with the military, telling them he'll surrender if they free
Lois. He is handcuffed and taken into custody in one of the movie's
more famous scenes that aren't unintentionally comical. He meets with
Lois in an interrogation room, their conversation interrupted by Fake
Dr. Hamilton who wants to yammer on about stuff. Through their
dialogue, we learn Clark is 33. You know who else was 33? Jesus! I
wonder if this film's trying to tell us something...
We
cut to the desert, where Clark and Lois are standing facing each
other in SUCH a bad looking flat shot. At this point we're supposed
to believe they have feelings for each other based off him blasting
her with his heat vision and leaving her in the freezing snow,
sharing a flashback with her, and uh... that's about it actually.
Zod's
ship approaches, his sub-commander Faora-Ul exiting. She tells Jason
that Zod wants Lois to come with as well. This upsets Hardy because
that wasn't part of the deal, but Lois says she'll go because she
REALLY needs to be in every scene now for some reason. On the
ship, Clark secretly hands Lois the key. Faora tells Lois she won't
be able to breathe on the ship as it has Krypton's atmosphere, so she
gives her a funky space helmet. They meet Zod, Clark getting very
sick and throwing up blood, Zod explaining this is because his body
isn't used to Krypton's atmosphere.
ANOTHER
flashback- err, wait. No, Clark is now in some kind of weird vision
inside his head where Zod is talking to him. They're at the Kent Farm
as Zod takes over on flashback duties and shows Clark how they
got to Earth. When Krypton exploded, its debris took out the
space gates that were sealing the Phantom Zone and they were freed.
This is a very nice scene as we see our villains actually have
emotion over the destruction of Krypton, Faora even crying over it.
The
rebels were able to “retrofit a phantom projector into a hyper
drive”, the same thing Jor-El did to Clark's ship apparently, which
gave them the ability to travel the galaxy. They searched all the
colonies but everyone was dead because... I have no idea really.
This really isn't one of those “make sense” kind of stories.
They did find a World Engine, which was the device we saw in Jor-El's
history lesson that let them shape planets to make them inhabitable.
When
Clark activated the scout ship, it set off a beacon Zod was able to
trace to Earth. Zod tells Clark about the codex, which contains the
genetic template of every being yet to be born. This will let them
activate the Fetus Farms so the Kryptonian race can live again. In
this trippy scene, a World Engine suddenly appears in the background
and destroys the farm. Zod says humanity will be cleared away
so Krypton can be reborn on Earth. Clark now finds himself standing
in a field of skulls, telling Zod he won't be a part of this as he
starts sinking into the skulls. Superman drowning in skulls, Snyder
REALLY gets what this character is all about!
He
wakes up from whatever the hell that was to find himself in
restraints, Zod thinking it's now safe enough to tell him that he
killed Jor-El. Across the ship Faora throws Lois into a holding
cell. They're keeping Lois alive at this point WHY exactly? Oh,
it's so Lois can put her key into a console with a key shaped hole
that JUST HAPPENS to be in her prison cell. Good thing the rebels
didn't search her! This
makes Jor-El appear, who uploads himself to the ship's mainframe. He
modifies the ship's atmosphere to Earth conditions, which enables
Clark to escape his bonds. He tells Lois he can send the rebels back
to the Phantom Zone but he'll need her help.
After
telling her the plan off screen, he guides her to an escape pod. Lois
kills two guards along the way with a gun she finds, going as far to
score a head shot on one. This is SO NOT a Superman movie
anymore, I think we're watching the latest Roland Emmerich movie at
this point. Clark sees Lois' escape pod begin to burn up
during its re-entry to Earth, which makes Jor-El look like a complete
idiot for putting her in one. Striking his best Jesus Christ Pose,
Clark goes to save her.
He
saves her in time, and they JUST HAPPEN to land in Smallville. She
apologises because the rebels read her mind to find out information
about him, but he says it's fine because they did the same to him.
So... WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ZOD TAKING LOIS THEN?!? If it was
just so she'd get lucky enough to get thrown into a room where she'd
be able to use a key Clark gave her and meet Jor-El who'd tell her
exactly how to stop Zod, that was a REALLY. STUPID. PLAN.
They're
about to kiss when Clark's super hearing picks up something and he
races away. Lois flags down a conveniently nearby cop car for a
ride. At the Kent Farm, Zod demands to know where Clark's space
ship is. Martha tells him to go to hell, but then looks at the barn
in a guilty fashion. You can tell this film is gearing up for its
climax, everyone is getting stupid. Well, stupider.
Faora
searches the ship but finds no codex. Zod screams at Martha “Where
is it?!” in that classic Zack Snyder acting method we've come to
know and love with all our hearts. Not
our ears though. Clark
appears, tackling Zod halfway across the town. They fly through and
demolish numerous buildings and probably kill hundreds in the
process, Clark hammering Zod in the face for threatening his mother.
This damages Zod's breather helmet, his senses completely overwhelmed
like Clark's were when he was a child. A gunship blasts Clark, the
rebels sprinting Zod back into the ship and escaping.
And
now we get the part of the movie that LITERALLY put me to sleep: the
mind numbing action. Faora and a giant rebel walk towards Clark, and
a GIGANTIC fight scene breaks out. This scene goes on forever
and amounts to the three punching each other through buildings over
and over and over and over and over and over again. It is noteworthy
Clark actually saves two people during this fight scene, almost
tricking us into thinking this is a Superman film.
Hardy
and the military get involved, firing on everyone. 7-11, IHOP,
U-Haul, and Sears also join the fight, and I will admit there is a
really cool scene where 7-11 uses a telephone pole to knock Sears
into the sky like an Alex Rodriguez home run. After
about three hours of this BEYOND EXCESSIVE fight the
Kryptonians leave. That was completely and utterly pointless since
none of them can get hurt, it was just destruction porn. The soldiers
advance on Sears, where Clark was last punched. He emerges from the
rubble, Hardy declaring he's not their enemy despite the fact he
pretty much single-handedly destroyed Smallville and probably killed
hundreds.
Clark
returns to the farm to check on his mother, who is unscathed. Lois
magically appears, saying she knows how to stop Zod. Hmm, why
wouldn't Jor-El have also told Clark his plan in case something
happened to Lois? Like maybe if she died in her escape pod? Back on
Zod's ship, an extremely creepy rebel reveals he has found the codex:
it's in Clark's cells. Zod asks if Clark needs to be alive to extract
the codex, but of course he doesn't. Zod orders the release of the
World Engine, which is set up on the other side of the world and
begins to fire a giant beam of energy into the water.
Zod's
ship hovers over Metropolis, firing massive beams below that are
creating giant gravity shock waves. The military analyzes
what's going on, Hamilton using a bunch of techno babble that Jason
helpfully translates into that they're turning Earth into Krypton.
Hamilton reveals this will kill all of humanity due to the atmosphere
change. Clark
and Lois arrive, with Clark's ship in tow. We learn Jor-El's
plan is to make the phantom drive in his ship collide with the one in
Zod's ship, which will create a singularity blah blah blah. Jason
summarizes it'll be like a black hole. You know, these last two
scenes remind me of something I'd like to share with you...
Leela:
What are we supposed to do?
Fry:
Well, usually on the show someone would come up with a complicated
plan then explain it with a simple analogy.
Leela:
Hmm. If we can re-route engine power through the primary weapons and
reconfigure them to Melllvar's frequency, that should overload his
electro-quantum structure.
Bender:
Like putting too much air in a balloon!
Fry:
Of course! It's simple!
Clark
flies away to deal with the World Engine while Hardy will fly a
bomber to deal with Zod's ship. For some head smashing against the
wall reason, Lois goes with Hardy. We see Zod master his new
sun-given powers in like three seconds. Huh, guess Clark just really
sucks since it took him years. Zod goes to the scout ship, taking it
over and deleting Jor-El. Clark
approaches the World Engine, which suddenly sprouts gigantic CGI
tentacles that attack him. Uhh, what? I don't... this isn't... are
World Engine's sentient? I thought it was just a giant machine that
terraforms planets. My head hurts.
We
devolve into another massive action sequence, with Clark battling the
tentacles while Zod's ship destroys its way through Metropolis while
killing hundreds upon hundreds of people. But no one really cares
about them, so this is given no weight whatsoever. Instead we focus
on Morpheus trying to rescue his secretary who is trapped
under rubble, but since we haven't got to know either at all we
really don't care. Way to go Snyder! Lois tries to arm
Clark's ship by placing the key into it but something's wrong as it's
not working. She shouts out “It's supposed to go in all the
way!”
"Heh
heh heh, bro that's what she-"
Don't.
Just... don't.
Meanwhile
the tentacles get bored or tired and leave. I can relate. Clark takes
out the World Engine, which also cuts the power to Zod's ship before
it can create the next shock wave that was set to kill Morpheus and
crew. Phew, I was really worried about him and his nameless
co-workers because the film spent all of three minutes trying to make
us care about them.
Zod
enters the picture, piloting the scout ship. He shoots down military
planes, about to take out the bomber when Clark appears and saves
them. Zod screams if he destroys the ship (remember, it has the Fetus
Farm on it) he'll be destroying Krypton. Clark screams back that
Krypton had its chance and turns his heat vision on full blast.
Because Superman, who has always been written longing for him home
world, would totally do that. He couldn't have just thrown Zod out or
something and safely set the ship down, because Zod would absolutely
ensure the ship doesn't get damaged.
Hamilton
realizes Clark's ship is crooked (huh?) so he straightens it and the
key goes in a bit further. Faora smashes her way into the bomber, the
impact sending Lois flying and leaving her dangling from the edge of
the aircraft. It also sucks a soldier out into the sky, giving a
Wilheim Scream as he does. Where the hell's that drink?! Faora
luckily ignores Hamilton as she kills her way to the cockpit. He is
able to push the key all the way in and activate the ship. Good
thing Lois tagged along on this mission so she could do ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING! Hardy crashes the bomber into Zod's ship before Faora
can stop him, the sudden increase in speed sending Lois flying out of
the bomber and into the air.
The
collision creates the black hole, which begins sucking everything
into it. Except Lois, who is falling down towards the ground. What,
does she secretly weigh a hundred billion pounds or something? We see
cars and giant blocks of rubble flying up into the black hole, but
she just falls? I know Jodi was a bit overweight, but this is
ridiculous. Clark takes this moment to come back into the movie and
save her. I'm
amazed he's able to lift her!
But
now Superman is getting sucked into the black hole, despite carrying
the interplanetary load that is Lois. Through sheer force he's able
to break free, landing next to Morpheus and crew. Clark and Lois
finally kiss. Yay? No actually that is worth celebrating, as the
power of their kiss apparently caused the black hole to vanish
because it's NEVER mentioned again. Ah,
but there's still Zod to deal with. He's a bit upset as his birth
purpose was to protect Krypton, and all of his actions were for the
greater good of his people. Now see, this is something they really
should have been spelled out earlier in better detail. I know it was
lightly hinted at, but this scene does so much for his one-note
character and would have helped out if they'd had it not long after
his introduction.
Zod
attacks Clark, vowing to kill every human on Earth one by one. This
starts our third insanely over the top fight, where they do WAY more
damage to Metropolis than Zod's shock waves. I can't even
imagine how many people must have died during this, because you see
them crashing through buildings right and left and raining tons of
debris down below. The battle rages into outer space, where Zod
throws a Wayne Enterprises satellite at Clark. Ooh, Batman's gone be
PISSED!
They
somehow end up back in Metropolis, ending up in a building full of
people. Clark locks up Zod in a headlock, but he begins using his
newly developed heat vision to try to kill a nearby family. Clark
screams at him to stop but Zod screams back “never!” so Clark...
BREAKS HIS FREAKING NECK to stop him. DAYYYYYYYYYYYYYMN! Clark
falls to his knees as he looks at Zod's corpse as I reflect that is
likely NOT
what Zod had in mind when he coined “Kneel before Zod!”
And
there we have it. The scene that I imagine set off more arguments
than a Democrats vs. Republicans message board. What did I think? I
had no problem with this whatsoever. Why? This was NOT Superman. And
I don't mean in the “this is not a Superman movie, this is more
like Independence Day” aspect (which is apt), I mean Clark is not
Superman yet. This is his origin story, and killing Zod is how he'll
BECOME Superman. The horror of what he was reduced to is the memory
that'll haunt him and guide him to become the greatest hero ever,
someone we can all look up to as a being who has the power of a god
but doesn't abuse it and will ALWAYS FIND A BETTER WAY. Always. I
actually loved this scene.
Lois,
who magically appeared at the tail end of the fight, consoles Clark.
I really hope they explain how she has teleportation powers in the
sequel, because it's downright jarring here. We skip ahead to
much later, where Clark meets with Jason. Clark throws a satellite in
front of him, saying the government's attempts to find out more about
him won't work. Jason asks if he's “effing stupid” and I roll my
eyes so hard one falls out of its socket. If you're not going to
say actual word then please write something different.
Jason
asks how can they trust him? Clark replies he grew up in Kansas, he's
as American as it gets. Ha! Actual personality and humour, what the
hell is going on here? Clark tells Jason he'll have to convince
Washington he's here to help, and Jason asks that even if he does why
does Clark think they'll listen.
Clark
replies that he guesses he'll have to trust Jason and flies off, and
I wonder why these last few minutes have been infinitely better than
the entire movie. Oh right, warmth and humanity. Funny how they forgot that the first two and a half hours. Our movie finally, finally ends with Clark
getting a job at the Daily Planet, wearing his trademark glasses. He
is “introduced” to Lois Lane who welcomes him to the planet, the
two sharing a smile.
Cue
the credits.
Of
all the movies I've seen from 2013 so far, this was the worst. And I
do mean THE WORST. I haven't seen After
Earth
or Movie
43,
but those didn't have the talent and resources involved that this
movie did so they don't even qualify. Virtually
everything in this movie is wrong. And I'm not talking in relation to
Superman's established history, but just as a movie. It's WAY too
long, the story is needlessly convoluted and overly complicated, all
the characters are flat and boring, too many flashbacks that that
derail the pace and tell us the exact same thing repeatedly, and the
action scenes... oh goodness, the action scenes.
Don't
get me wrong, they look amazing. There's this one scene where Clark
and Zod run at each other down the side of a skyscraper that is
phenomenal, but as the saying goes too much of a good thing is a bad
thing. The fighting is just endless, and by the time you realize this
you're completely desensitized and then bored. Not to mention every
scene keeps trying to outdo the previous one, and it just overloads
your brain to the point you forget what you just saw a second ago.
This
all rests on Snyder, who time after time again just proves he can't
pull off any kind of weighty movie. Yes the script was far from
Goyer's best, but a director more skilled at character based
storytelling could have surely got something better out of it. So
if all you want to see is huge mindless action that would make
Michael Bay jealous or want to check out the numerous Smallville
cameos, I give this my highest possible recommendation. If you want
anything else, avoid at all costs.
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