Before they can
throw down Peter gets called away to save a kid from falling to his
death, allowing Connors to escape. The next day Captain Stacy holds
a press conference to announce he's issued an arrested warrant for
Spider-Man, as he was the only person at the scene that was
identified. Uh-huh, in this era of people being glued to their smart
phones NO ONE got a single picture of Connors as the Lizard? If
you're going to update Spider-Man's origin to be more modern, you
really have to account for things like this as well. Come to think
of it, where is J. Jonah Jameson and the Daily Bugle at this point in
the story?
Peter goes to talk
to Connors about the giant reptilian creature he encountered the
night before, and this scene is hilarious in that Connors does
everything in his power to make it obvious that HE'S the Lizard.
Peter, who actually is quite competent in this movie, immediately
picks up on this and goes to Captain Stacy to report it. Naturally
though Stacy doesn't believe a word of it, but his interest is at
least a little piqued to have his men research Connors a bit further.
This JUST MIGHT BE the most positive portrayal of a
pseudo-antagonist police officer I've ever seen in a superhero movie.
Heading back to
school, Peter notices a bunch of small lizards crawling into the
sewers... for some reason. Is the Lizard spawning little sidekicks
or does New York have a lizard infestation they're not telling us
about? He suits up and follows them, getting jumped by the Lizard
where the film makes the VERY unfortunate decision of having the
villain freaking TALK.
I'm not even
bitching about how he doesn't talk in the comics, but instead how he
should just be a feral out of control beast a la the Dr. Jekyll and
Mr. Hyde ripoff- er, “tribute” that Curt Connors always has been.
Connors should be racked with guilt over what he's becoming and
trying to stop it instead of leaping face first into it in a
completely uninspired bout of cartoonish super villainy. But there I
go, writing my own fan fiction again.
A GODAWFUL CGI
chase through the sewers ensues, Peter escaping down a tunnel the
Lizard is too big to fit through. Unfortunately for Peter the Lizard
finds his camera with his name stamped on the bottom, suddenly
realizing who Spider-Man really is although it should have really
been obvious to him the moment Peter starting asking questions about
stopping a giant reptile. Connors just might be the dumbest
scientist since Dr. Elizabeth Shaw of Prometheus fame. Or Dr. Charlie Holloway, take your pick.
Taking the direct
route, the Lizard bulldozes his way through Peter's high school to
kill him. We get another HORRIBLE looking CGI fight as I pause the
movie to look up the budget for this thing. TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY
MILLION. Where the hell did all that money go, because it certainly
wasn't to the CGI artists. Does Denis Leary really command that much
of a salary these days? Martin Sheen? Sally Field?
The Lizard gets the
drop on Peter and is about to kill him when Gwen gets involved to
distract him, which is a nice touch. Their battle rages on through
the library, where he get our Required By Law Stan “The Man” Lee
cameo as the school's librarian. Of Marvel's endless lists of grave
mistakes they make, at least making sure the Founding Father of their
universe still gets his due certainly isn't one of them.
The cops show up,
the Lizard taking this as his cue to escape back to the sewers
because, I don't know, he's scared of getting arrested? Transforming
yourself into a giant murderous lizard has to be violating some sort
of city ordinance, I'm sure. Peter tracks him, on the way getting a
call from Gwen to make sure he's alright. He tells her he's fine,
asking her to go to Oscorp and make an antidote serum based off the
formula he and Connors were working on earlier. Another point I have
to give the film, Gwen certainly isn't the damsel in distress that
Mary Jane was in the original trilogy.
Peter finds
Connors' underground lab, finding a video diary of him detailing his
plan to use the Ganali device to release lizard gas upon the city to
turn EVERYONE into giant lizards. In his twisted mind this will make
everyone equal, a society without outcasts and the such. Oh, so
THAT'S the key to world peace. I've always wondered what the secret
was. This also means
he's headed to Oscorp to steal the device, the very same place Peter
just sent his girlfriend. Way to go Peter! He calls Gwen, begging
her to get out of the building before Connors shows up to get the
device. Gwen refuses however, as she wants to make sure everyone in
the building evacuates to safety as well as finish making the
antidote. Hey, I have a suggestion... why not just have her SMASH THE
GANALI DEVICE?!
On his frantic run
to Oscorp, Peter runs into a contingent of SWAT troops and gets
tasered into unconsciousness. They handcuff him, Stacy walking up to
him and unmasking him to learn his identity. He does let Peter go
though when he learns he's trying to save Gwen, as moderate
intelligence appears to run in the Stacy family.
Gwen's antidote
only has a minute left to creation when she hears the Lizard start
breaking into the lab. She tries to hide in a closet with the Ganali
device, but he smells her and simply grabs it from her and leaves.
She BETTER have sabotaged it or all that good will she just spent
building up with me is GONE. Peter, having gotten shot in the leg by
a police officer while leaving, struggles to make it to Oscorp.
Because the film has gone on way too long without another tired
cliché, we see the father of the boy Peter saved earlier watching
this on the news and decides he has to help.
This leads to that
old chestnut of All New Yorkers Stick Together, as he's the head of a
construction company so he orders all the building cranes in the area
turned to give Peter a stepping stone path to Oscorp Tower. Yes,
that IS every bit as contrived and stupid as it sounds, thank you for
asking. Peter swings from crane to crane, aided by the noble
construction workers and police officers of New York but NO firemen
so I have to take points off for that oversight. The film makers
also didn't find a way to shoehorn an American flag into the scene
either, so another epic fail there.
Stacy arrives at
the bottom of Oscorp tower where Gwen is waiting for him, giving the
antidote to her father to give to Peter. We see the Lizard atop the
tower, loading the Ganali device with his Make-Everyone-A-Lizard
serum. A timer announces it'll release the gas in two minutes as the
chances Gwen messed with the device dwindle by the moment. Peter
attacks the Lizard for another insultingly fake looking CGI fight,
getting his ass kicked until Captain Stacy Now With Shotgun Wielding
Action (TM) turns up to shift the tide of the battle.
He gives the
antidote to Peter, who scrambles to install it in the device before
it can launch the gas. The Lizard drives his clawed hand through
Stacy's stomach, going after Peter but is just a moment too late to
stop him. He almost immediately begins changing back to Connors as
the antidote gas rains down upon the city and apparently the gas also
instantly cured his psychosis because he saves Peter from falling off
the tower.
Peter runs to
Stacy's side, who has managed to stay alive just long enough to
deliver a moving speech before he dies. THAT'S something they need
to start teaching in schools. He makes Peter promise to leave Gwen
out of all the trouble that will come with his new found gig, Peter
nodding as the captain succumbs to his wounds. A news report wraps
things up as we learn Connors is now behind bars for his crimes and
HOLY SHIT A SUPERHERO MOVIE WHERE THEY DIDN'T KILL THE BAD GUY! That
is enough to negate damn near every cliché in this movie!
Now that the
Cliche-O-Meter is back to a clean slate, the film gets to work
creating more as the next scene is Stacy's funeral, which just
HAPPENS to be in the slow-motion rain. Peter watches Gwen from a
distance, vanishing when HER Spider-Sense goes off to detect him.
She confronts him at his house later, asking where the hell he's been
since her father died. Peter simply replies that he can't see her
anymore, causing her to start walking away.
But not quite
though, as she stops and faces him. She instantly figures out her
father made Peter promise to stay away from her to keep her safe,
because Gwen Stacy IS the sharpest knife in the drawer as long as the
subject isn't sabotaging Denali devices. Peter says nothing, Gwen
leaving for good.
Our final scene is
back at the school in English class, as Peter shows up late. The
teacher chastises him for his tardiness, Peter promising it'll never
happen again. The teacher warns him to not make promises he can't
keep as he takes a seat behind Gwen, who is rightfully ignoring him
for being an asshole. He whispers to her “Yeah, but those are the
best kind” as she slowly smirks, giving us hope for the two
lovebirds even though Captain Stacy was totally right about how
dangerous Peter is for Gwen.
Cue the cre- oh,
not quite. We see Connors in prison talking to a shadowy figure, who
asks the doctor if he told Peter the truth about his father. Connors
replies he did not, asking the man to leave Peter alone but the man
vanishes. Alright. Cue the credits for
real, and they are thankfully NOT set to a Nickelback song. Huh, did you notice the thief TOTALLY got away with murder? Like everyone completely forgot about him almost immediately. Weird.
Huh. Well, that
was definitely a movie with actors and set pieces and music. It
wasn't good, it wasn't bad, it was just the most middle of the road
and mediocre movie they could have possibly turned out. It took me a
couple of days to watch it, as I had to rewatch most of it because I
literally forget what happened hours after watching it.
As expected, this
movie had some great characters and fantastic acting. While he has
almost no eye for action whatsoever, Webb absolutely gets how to get
great performances out of his actors. Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone
were FANTASTIC as the leads of this movie, they had extremely
believable chemistry and delivered their hackneyed lines with such
enthusiasm you actually believed them. Rhys Ifans as Connors was the
counterbalance to this, as he was SUCH a lame and ineffective
villain.
The story, while
infested with cliches, scared me in the beginning by threatening to
be horribly complex but sorted itself out pretty quick for a very
straightforward tale that was greatly at odds with how batshit crazy
these kind of movies tend to get. I liked it wasn't some end of the
world scenario, but instead was a fairly self contained Spider-Man
story like it should have been. Yes it was fairly bland and HIGHLY generic, but I'll
take that any day of the week over self indulgent garbage like Man of Steel.
I already pointed
out how jaw droppingly bad the CGI was, especially when you look at
the budget for this film, but DAYMN was it bad. Like “ruined every
single scene it was used in” bad. I suppose I can't bitch too much
as Webb's previous film had exactly ZERO crazy CGI action scenes so
he's still learning, but then again why was he directing a movie with
no action experience?!
These are the worst
kind of movies to review, as I really have nothing to talk about on
either side. A good movie inspires gushing praise while a bad one
produces mocking derision, a passable one is just “ehh”.
Certainly a very rough start for a new franchise, but now that the
origin story is out of the way it should all be smooth sailing from
here, right?
Right?
Why do I hear
crickets?
No comments:
Post a Comment