Deb failed the ever-loving HELL out of
her Fast And The Furious audition as she tried to kill herself and
Dex. Vogel continued to be the most sociopathic psychologist this
side of Hannibal Lecter. Quinn... did Quinn things. A Ghoul
Versus Dexter's Final Season Episode 5: This Little Piggy!
We open with probably the most
ludicrous shot in Dexter's history: Dex and Deb awkwardly
sitting in front of Vogel like two misbehaving children as she tries
to counsel them. Just think about this: you have Vogel, the world's
most worthless profiler who helped guide Dex to become a serial
killer trying to solve the problems of the siblings. In the other
chairs, you have the serial killer himself who was just almost killed
by his sister who is fast racking up a respectable body count of her
own.
The dialogue here is just GLORIOUSLY, unintentionally hilarious, as I have no earthly idea how Michael C. Hall was able to say any of it and still keep a straight face. This face is a BLOODY professional folks, we are lucky he took up acting instead of law like he originally flirted with. Don't believe me? Take a gander at this:
Vogel: Debra, it seems
that you tried to kill Dexter as well as yourself.
Deb: ...yes, but then I
saved him.
Dex: You saved me? You
only had to save me because you tried to kill me.
Deb: I know, but-
Dex: You almost left my
son an orphan. Harrison. Who's gonna take care of him? Who?
Deb: ...I don't know.
Dex: All I've done my
whole life is try to take care of you, to protect you.
Deb: Protect? Jesus
Christ, Dexter. If this is your way of protecting me-
Dex: [yelling] Okay, so
I'm not perfect! You think it's easy being your brother?
Deb: You're not even
listening to me. Y-y-you don't understand. I've been trapped in a
fucking fog-
Dex: No, I don't
understand! Haven't you heard anything she said? [gesturing to
Vogel] I'm stupid that way! My brain is limited! So when my sister
tries to kill me, for some reason, it doesn't make sense!
I'd say lines like those belong in a
soap opera, but that might actually be insulting to soap operas. The
problem with this show is a problem you see in many television shows:
different show runners that took the stories in completely opposite
directions. That's a major problems with these type of shows that
have a continuous storyline, everything starts feeling very
schizophrenic and chaotic. You compare what's going on here to
something from the first four seasons and his barely even feels like
the same SHOW.
Dex did bring up a good point though,
what about Harrison? That's something Vogel has never once brought
up, I'd love to hear her psycho ramblings about a “perfect”
psychopath trying to raise a child all on his own. But no, Vogel
would rather try to justify Deb's attempted murder. Dex and myself roll our eyes at exactly the same time. Neat!
Fed up with all this bullshit, Dex bids
a fond “to Hell with both of you” to the psychotic women in his
life and leaves. He heads to work, somehow letting Jamie talk him
into a dinner date with Cassie later that night. Quinn runs the
morning meeting as Batista is at the hospital getting a statement
from Janet, who survived Yates' stabbing. The camera goes out of its
way to show the annoyed look on Miller's face when Quinn announces
he'll do the briefing, like ANYONE cares in the slightest in this
bout of office politics.
Quinn updates us on the Norma Rivera
killing, evidence now pointing towards her killer being Ed Hamilton
who ran the hotel she worked at. Matthews, who watched the briefing,
approaches Quinn later and ominously informs him the Hamiltons are
long standing “friends” of Miami Metro that should be treated
with respect. I get what Matthews was trying to imply, but I wonder
if Quinn has the brain capacity to do the same?
Quinn, Miller, and Dex go to talk to
Hamilton, who is shockingly forthcoming about the affair he was
having with Norma. He insists he didn't kill her, Dex's attention
falling on Hamilton's CREEPY ASS son Zach whom he notices watching
the conversation. As the police pack up their things to leave,
CREEPY ASS Son asks Dex about Norma's crime scene which is in no,
way, shape or way a tip off that he might have been involved.
Across town Yates smashes his way into
Vogel's house and kidnaps her, Deb coming by soon after to discover
the mess. At the same time Miami Metro is searching Yates' house,
where they find the bodies of women buried in his rose garden. Deb
races over to tell Dex what she's discovered, the sibling coming to a
truce of sorts so they can work together to find Vogel.
After a brief scene of Yates taking
Vogel to an empty house to ask her who Dex is, we cut to Quinn and
Miller canvassing Norma's neighbourhood looking for any witnesses
that might have seen Hamilton. In the most non-shocking twist ever,
a fruit vendor identifies ZACH as the one who was visiting her right
before she was killed.
And since we're going way down the
ladder on stuff anyone ACTUALLY cares about, we catch up with Masuka
and Niki. The show is trying to plant the idea that Niki is a gold
digger trying to use Masuka for his money, so of course she won't be
anything of the sort in some lame ass reveal a few episodes from now.
Masuka, troubled by this, hires Deb to investigate her as I reflect
how WOEFULLY out of place this subplot is right now. What are they
doing? Wasn't there something about a serial killer kidnapping Vogel
just a little bit ago? I mean, I wouldn't give a damn but Deb sure
seemed to... oh well, I'm sure Dex is hard at work looking for Yates.
Orrrrrrrrr he's having dinner with
Cassie, Jamie, and Quinn. To be fair Jamie kind of forced him into
it, but he's able to wriggle his way out in a rare flash of his old
intelligence. He picks up with Deb and they go searching for Yates,
going off a list of homes he installed cable into that are now empty.
Vogel is in one such house, able to call Dex from a phone and leave
it on in the room. This allow Dex and Deb to trace the signal, but
Yates notices the phone and disappears before Vogel's would be
rescuers show up.
They find her in a closet safe and
sound as we see Yates hiding under the bed with a knife. Dex,
clearly back in his early season form, figures this out so he STABS
HIM THROUGH THE BED with a goddamn sharpened curtain rod because we're watching a late 1980's Friday The 13th movie now. Remember when this show used to be grounded in reality? We start wrapping things up with a
happily ever after ending, BUT this is only episode five so I don't
think so.
Cue the credits.
Did they really think we were going to
buy any of this? That Yates was REALLY the Brain Surgeon and was
even remotely smart enough to pull off any of the stuff he did? Or
that things between Dex, Deb, and Vogel were going to be peachy keen
forever? At least this episode got the season back on track of
terrible and largely pointless episodes after the previous one's
shocking twist of having STUFF HAPPEN.
I seriously doubt they'll be able to
top how truly awful season five was, but they are trying their
hardest so I gotta give them points for that. Stay tuned for the
next review, which we can only hope will feature many more red
herrings, politicking over the new Miami Metro sergeant, and Vince's
new found daughter and her free loading ass!
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