I've been doing this movie review thing
for around five months now, and I'm beginning to notice some trends
among the awesome people who read by borderline incoherent ramblings.
BY FAR my most popular reviews have been the ones of Young Adult
Movies, but another review has surprisingly got me a good amount of
feedback: Walk Of Shame.
That's rather out of place in my usual
reviews about supernatural love triangles, video game movies, and
films about CGI nonsense, so I thought I'd try it again. Today we're
going to be taking a look at 2013's Safe Haven. Yes, Safe
Haven, a NICHOLAS SPARKS movie.
Sadly I'm something of an expert on
Sparks' movies. You see, back when I was still alive I used to
actually go on dates so I've been subjected to almost all of them yet
I find them FASCINATING. Almost all follow the exact same formula,
because just like Michael Bay, Nicholas Sparks knows his audience to
a capital boldfaced T.
Here's a handy bingo
card I made so you can play along!
Is this movie going to be more of the same? Grab your box of tissues and get ready for some Emotionally Manipulative Tear Jerking, Nicholas Sparks-Style as it's time for A Ghoul Versus Safe Haven!
Our film opens with a panicked brunette
woman, running for her life down the street with a plastic bag in her
hand. Is she trying to run out of the movie? What have I got myself
into if it's this bad the characters are already trying to escape it?
She runs to a neighbour's house, pounding on the door and begging to
be let in. An elderly woman answers the door, referring to her as
Erin as she lets her inside. The tense and dramatic music REALLY
makes me hope this turns out to be a slasher movie, because if
there's one thing that could save ANY Nicholas Sparks movie it's an
ax wielding psycho.
Jumping ahead we see the same woman,
now a panicked blonde, continuing her attempt to get out of the
movie, buying a ticket at the bus station and boarding it as police
cars pull up outside. One of the cops stops the bus he's on,
identifying himself as Boston PD. Ah no, it's not her bus but just a
fake out. That's most DEFINITELY not cliched. Her bus pulls out of
the station and down the street as she watches the cop search the
wrong bus.
The bus drives across the state as the
credits roll, finally ending up in a small coastal town in the South
called Southport. Blondie gets out of the bus and looks around,
noticing the very handsome Mr. Fergalicious himself, Josh Duhamel
working at a convenience store. You probably know him best as his
award winning and insanely memorable role as Captain Generic Army Guy
in the Transformers movies.
Blondie spends the next day roaming around the town, as this movie is certainly not in a hurry to go anywhere. She ends up getting a job at a local diner as a waitress, although this raises a number of questions immediately. Small town or not, they're still going to want a social security number from her to do a background check. If she gives them a fake one they'll know right away, whereas if she gives them her real one wouldn't it come back she's a wanted criminal? I mean, I'm assuming she's a criminal given the police are after her. WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS MOVIE?! Besides Josh Duhamel's dreamy eyes, of course?
This is all cut with footage of the cop
back in Boston, Kevin, reviewing security footage of the bus station,
seeing Blondie boarding the bus and making note of its destination to
Atlanta. What are the odds he doesn't bother to check the stops it
made along the way?
Back in Southport, Blondie rents or
buys a small cabin. Okay seriously movie, we NEED some information
here. How is she able to get a place with no social security
number?! I could see if this was set in the 1950s, but this sure
looks present day to me. That night Blondie has a nightmare of
fighting with a man and getting stabbed, at least I think that's what
we saw. The camera is held so close to the actors it's really hard
to tell that was the intent, they could have been having 50 Shades
Of Grey-style sex for all I know. And yes, you better DAMN SURE
believe 50 Shades Of Grey's release date of Valentine's Day 2015 is
circled on my calendar.
The next morning she heads to the
convenience store to buy some goods, finding the cashier to be Mr.
Fergie Ferg's young daughter Lexie. He also has a slightly older son
named Josh who just kind of sulks in the background doing jack all. Blondie
introduces herself as Katie just as Mr. Fergie Ferg enters the store,
surprised that she's staying in the town and not passing through. He
rings her out, obviously very taken with her young and attractive
blondeness.
Katie returns home to find a brunette
woman at her cabin trying to look through her windows, wondering what
the hell is going on. The woman introduces herself as Jo, her nosy
neighbour from across the way. Cut back to Boston, where Kevin is
actually checking all the stops the bus made which legit surprised
me. I thought after the whole Katie securing a life with no identity
check whatsoever was going to set the tone for this movie.
The next day Katie returns to the store
to order paint for her house, learning the handsome young man making
googly eyes at her is named Alex. Alright, twenty minutes in and
finally everyone has a name. NOW we're getting somewhere! On her
way home she runs into Jo, who tags along and bores her (and us) with
small talk.
At work Katie's boss Maggie tells her
about Alex and how he lost his wife to cancer because OF COURSE he
did. A Nicholas Sparks movie without cancer is like a George Romero
movie without zombies. A few days later Katie's paint order comes
in, Alex slyly offering to give her a ride home so she won't have to
carry the heavy cans. Ah ha, this guy knows the score! The ride is
pretty uneventful though as Katie brushes his flirting off, but Alex
does mention he's a fan of the band Slayer which is just plain
AWESOME.
A painting montage furthers the time as
Katie spends more time hanging out with Jo while Alex wistfully pines
for her. One night Katie has a Director's Cut version of the dream,
as we see SHE was the one who did the stabbing. She gathers all the
evidence into the bag she was carrying at the beginning of the film
and runs out of the house as she wakes up to the sound of a car
outside. She hides in fear as she hears footsteps outside of her
house, but then they eventually get back into the car and drive away.
She finds a bicycle outside with a note
in it, angrily marching it back to Alex's store. He admits he left
it for her as a gesture of kindness, but she ain't having any of that
and gives it back to him. I'm on her side with this one, he did
cross some boundaries going to her house uninvited and trying to buy
her favour with gifts. But again, a Nicholas Sparks movie where the guy doesn't cross the line trying to get the girl isn't really a Nicholas Sparks movie.
Katie stomps back home to bitch about
Alex to Jo, who foolishly dismisses Alex's actions as southern
hospitality with no ulterior motive. Yeah right, and if you believe
that I have this lovely bridge in North Dakota I'd LOVE to sell you.
This does convince Katie though, who goes back to Alex to apologise
but now it's his turn to be mad at her.
To resolve this relationship impasse,
the film decides to have Josh accidentally knock himself out and fall
into the water. Katie and Alex rush off to save him and just like
that the seeds are sewn for the Greatest Romance In The History Of
Romances... since the last Nicholas Sparks movie. Just to remind us Kevin is still alive,
the movie shows us a scene of him where he learn he's obsessed with
arresting Katie for first degree murder and nothing's going to get in
his way. He faxes out her mugshot across the country, where the
police in Southport hang it up without even looking at it. Yeah, no
way they're going to notice the picture just HAPPENS to look a lot
like Katie when the plot demands it.
Katie ends up going to the beach with
Alex and his family, as we learn Josh is not comfortable with his dad
seeing Katie. Beach frolicking montages follow as our leads get to
know each other, Katie skillfully deflecting all of Alex's questions
about her past. This doesn't phase him due to her young and
attractive blondeness.
Alex takes Katie out canoeing for some
beautiful scenery porn because this is a Nicholas Sparks movie, but
they end up getting rained on because this is STILL a Nicholas Sparks
movie. These movies must be so quick to film since they just reuse
the same script over and over again. They go to a diner for a
strange scene where they end up slow dancing to a song on the jukebox
while the ENTIRE STAFF of the diner vanishes into thin air. They're
JUUUUUUUUST about to kiss when Alex's friend Rhett shows up to drive
them home, for some reason. This is a really confusing bit. Rhett
just happens to be a police officer, which I'm sure won't lead to him
being the one to discover Katie's mugshot back at the station.
Rhett takes Katie home first, but Alex
finally gets that kiss in that we've been waiting all film for.
Unfortunately there's still an hour left to go, so I suggest you
settle in because the rest of this could be one VERY long movie.
After returning home, Alex goes to the shop and goes upstairs where
his wife's old study is. He opens a drawer and looks at a huge stack
of letters his wife left for their children on the important days of
their lives, like their weddings and graduations because this is a
Nicholas Sparks movie and there DAMN SURE better be letters from dead
people in it!
Kevin, Master of Pace Breaking, shows
up again as he enters Katie's old house to go over the murder scene
again. He finds evidence that leads him to Katie's neighbour, the
elderly woman we saw Katie run to at the start of the film. She
tells the brash cop she won't talk to him until he gets a warrant. More love montages follow, including a
brief interlude where Jo tells Katie she knew Alex was using the bike
to make a move which I have to give them some points for. Katie and
Alex finally have sex, which means the dreaded second act breakup
ain't that far away now.
And right on cue, here it is! At the
police station with Rhett, Alex just happens to notice the mug shot
photo of Katie. He tears it off the wall and rushes off, confronting
Katie over it by calling her by her real name which confirms his
worst fear. She tells him she was in an abusive relationship, but he
doesn't know what to believe anymore. He tells her she should leave
before Rhett figures out her true identity, and then walks out on
her. I PROMISE YOU I had no idea they were going to break up after I
typed up the previous paragraph, this movie ain't exactly trying to
tell an original story here.
Things are going downhill for Kevin as
well, as he gets suspended by the police chief (who sadly ISN'T an
Angry Black Man) who takes his badge and gun away for breaking
numerous rules in the investigation of Kat- eh, let's go with Erin
now. Also because Kevin is a boozing drunk who drinks on the job
constantly, using water bottles filled with vodka. Then the chief drops the bombshell: Erin is Kevin's
WIFE. Whoa-oa-oa! There's a twist!
This triggers a flashback of Kevin
coming home to Erin after a long day of work, all sweet until she
confronts him over his raging alcoholism. He then turns into a TOTAL
SCUMBAG PSYCHO and starts beating her, Erin stabbing him in the side
with a kitchen knife to defend herself. She runs away instead of
stabbing him to death until the knife breaks like she should have.
And I think we're finally full circle now, although this does raise
some more questions.
Kevin clearly did not recognize the
woman despite the fact she was his neighbour directly across the
street who was good friends with his wife. I suppose you could make
the case he was constantly drunk to the point he wouldn't notice
something like that, but you can't tell me just ONCE he wouldn't have
noticed her talking to Erin. The script compounds this problem by
having Kevin talk about Katie like she's a complete stranger and not
his freaking WIFE.
Also we see after stabbing Kevin, Erin
went directly from the woman's house, cut and dyed her hair, and went
directly to the bus stop. Where'd she get all her money from then?
She couldn't have been using a debit or credit card, because Kevin
surely would have checked into that. Did the woman give her a huge
stack of money, or does the diner in Southport pay like five thousand
dollars an hour? I want a job there!
Erin rides home to pack her things up,
Jo just happening to be there and trying to talk her out of it to no
avail. Alex comes by to see her, but finds her house is now empty.
He drives off to the ferry about to leave town, finding her there.
He apologizes to her, listening as she tells him her story. She is
about to leave when he (say it with me) tells her that he loves her
and will protect her from Kevin.
There's our third act reconciliation,
but there's still the little issue of over half an hour of movie time
left. That must mean more Kevin scenes, as he breaks into the
neighbour's house now that he's free of that pesky badge of his to do
whatever the hell he wants. He finds a voice mail Erin left for the
woman to let her know that she was safe, copying down the number to
trace it. And with that he's off to Southport, bottle in hand. DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
Click here for Part 2!
Click here for Part 2!
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