Jace also shows
Clary a portal they use to teleport around. Whoa, I was just joking
about teleporters earlier. Clary wants to enter it to find her
mother, but he warns her it takes a lifetime of training to learn how
to use it without ending up in Limbo. Clary will take this advice to
heart and not try to use the portal until she's spent years
practicing. Wink wink. He now wants
to celebrate Clary's birthday, taking her to an arboretum in one of
the upper turrets of the castle. In a scene ripped straight out of
every Disney movie, they have a touching moment set to Demi Lovato's
ultra cheesy “Heart By Heart”.
They kiss as it
starts RAINING. OH MY GOD. I hope they go to Paris next so they can
share a milkshake at a cafe and then go rolling around in a grassy
field. The rain was actually just sprinklers, but my point remains.
They head back to Clary's room, where they kiss outside her door.
However all the fun is ruined when Simon opens the door. Jace is mad
because he thinks Clary and Simon are sleeping together, and Simon is
mad because she was kissing Jace. Clary tells Simon they were jut
kissing, and this gets Jace even madder. We get this absolute gem
from him:
“How swiftly you
dismiss our love.”
What. The. Bloody.
Hell. Our love? OUR LOVE?!? You've known this girl for less
than a day and you know next to nothing about her! I never thought
we'd come across a bigger psycho than Edward Cullen, but here we are.
I'm starting to wonder if this is really City
of Bones or if someone sold me a fan
made bootleg as a prank. Jace storms off like the mature adult
he is, taunting Clary by saying the kiss wasn't special for him
either and that she's a big meanie dumbhead. But wait, the absolute
idiocy isn't done yet! Simon now goes off on Clary, saying “I'M the
one who's always been there for you, not him! I'm in love with you!”
Yyyyyyyyyyyyikes.
Yikes yikes yikes yikes yikes. This movie has become beautiful now,
even in this day and age of lowered expectations it is rare to find a
movie THIS bad. This is like someone went through a “Worst Stories
Ever Told” cliché list and took extensive notes to create this.
They really just did the “I put up with you so I deserve you like
you're a prize” bit usually reserved for men from the 1950s.
I'm speechless.
Hold on, we're STILL not done here. We cut to Jace in his bedroom
where he's CUTTING HIMSELF. Actually he's actually carving a
new rune into his arm with his Sonic Screwdriver, but that's still
CUTTING HIMSELF. If he doesn't go to Hot Topic in the next scene to
buy some black hair dye, I'm washing my hands of this whole movie.
Clary, as sick of the two losers in her life as much as I am, goes to
a library to read about runes. She somehow manages to make her teacup
turn into a picture and then back again. Hodge, watching her, says
this was a talent only her mother had.
A huge light bulb
goes over Clary's head and she rounds everyone up to return to her
apartment. Clary and Jace go to see CCH Pounder while Isabelle and
Alec go upstairs for no good reason. No, I'm wrong about that. They
go upstairs to dump some metal shavings on the ground that dance
around on the floor in a scene with zero explanation. We can immediately
tell something is wrong with Pounder as she's all smiles whereas
before she was very stoic. Jace, displaying a completely out of
character ounce of intelligence, picks up on this almost immediately
whereas Clary doesn't. Even though Clary has known Pounder her entire
life and Simon has known her maybe five minutes, but she's not the
brightest rune on the board.
Jace confirms this
by playing Bach on the piano while Clary looks through Pounder's
tarot cards. She takes the Ace of Cups card and pulls the Mortal Cup
out of it. Bach's music causes Pounder to turn into a demon and she
grabs the Cup, a fight breaking out. Alec getting gravely
injured before Jace can kill Pounder, while Clary puts the Cup
back in the card for safekeeping. They return to the
Institute to tend to Alec, while Clary goes to give Hodge the Cup.
EVIL MUSIC starts playing as Hodge opens the portal and Valentine
steps out. Was he just standing there for years waiting for the
portal to open so he could walk through it? I mean, Hodge doesn't
contact him beforehand or anything.
So an hour and a
half into our movie, we finally get to meet the villain. He is played
by Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who is a very good actor. Buuuuuuut not in
this movie. I wish I could say that this is one of those movies where
the actor know it's Godawful but wants the nice payday so hams it up
as much as possible, something
Jeremy Irons perfected to an ART FORM in Dungeons and Dragons.
But it isn't.
Meyers is just as bored and uncaring as everyone else. Alright, so
what's going on here? Valentine cuts his hand open and drips blood
into the Cup, wanting Clary to drink it. Wwwwwhy? She's already a
Shadowhunter, isn't she? Does the Cup do something else if you're
already a Shadowhunter and drink from it? Clary refuses,
so Valentine tries to win her allegiance by revealing that he's her
FATHER. If
Cassandra Clare doesn't turn out to be a pseudonym for Tara Gilesbie,
I'll be severely disappointed. I'd brag about
calling that, but predicting things in this movie is about as hard as
shooting proverbial fish in the equally proverbial barrel.
Clary grabs the
Cup and puts in back in the card, running into the portal to escape.
This somehow alerts everyone in the infirmary that the portal has
been used. Instead of Limbo she finds herself in front of Luke's
place, where a werewolf saves her from a little girl possessed by a
demon. The werewolf reveals itself to be Luke... which probably would
have meant something if we didn't already know he was a werewolf.
This movie sucks at shocking revelations. And everything else.
Back at the
Institute the writer decides this story isn't already convoluted
enough, so we get a scene where Hodge asks Valentine to lift the
curse so he can leave the building. Valentine reveals there is no
curse and that it's all in is head. Huh? Did the Clave get bored and
decide to punk Hodge by telling him there was a spell? Why would they
want him to stay inside the Institute for years?
Valentine begins
doing the demon summoning ritual we saw him doing in Hodge's
flashback way back when, saying everyone from the Clave to the
Shadowhunters are looking for him and that he needs all the help he
can get. Hodge tells him
Clary will come back because of her feelings for Jace, advising
Valentine to lie and tell them both they're his children, which will
break their hearts and make them follow him. I'm not quite sure I
follow the logic of this reasoning. Wait, did I just associate logic
with this story?
Hodge, despite
getting no help from Valentine and having no reason to work with him
any further, continues to help him anyways. He goes to a room right
below the top of the Institute, where he pulls a lever to open up the
roof. This sends a beam of light from Valentine's summoning ritual to
go shooting out into the night sky, which in turn draws demons into
the Institute. Valentine orders them to lock down the building and
kill any enemies.
In the infirmary,
Bane arrives to help heal Alec. He gives Isabelle (and simon) a list
of ingredients to get for a healing potion or whatever. Jace goes to
check on Hodge and Clary, finding only Valentine. Valentine calls him
Jonathan, which we learn is his true name. ANOTHER cut takes
us back to Clary and Luke, where she asks if it's true Valentine is
her father, Luke confirming it is so. He says Valentine was so afraid
of the Clave after losing the Cup that he faked his death in a house
fire. In the remains of the house they found skeletons of whom they
thought was Valentine and his son, Clary's brother. Clary is stunned
by this, Luke saying his name was Jonathan Christopher.
Jace says
Valentine is lying. Valentine says Clary isn't the only one with a
block in her mind, using his powers to “lift” Jace's block to
show him the “truth” about him really being his father.
Isabelle (and simon) go to the basement to get the ingredients, where
they just happen to run into Cersei's floating body. Simon calls
Clary to let her know. I... don't follow this either. Last we saw of
Cersei before she drank the potion she was in custody of the Men in
Black. How in the hell did she wind up in the Institute?
Clary and Luke
take off for the Institute, Luke calling in a bunch of his werewolf
buddies. Clary takes the time to make another lame joke, and I
realize I might hate her more than Bella Swan as a heroine. Damn you
City of Bones! The worst part of this is the smug look on
Clary's face, like she just said the funniest thing in the history of
humour. This is taking
FOREVER. Eventually Isabelle (and simon) meet up with Clary and Luke
as the demons attack. Clary grabs Isabelle's Sonic Screwdriver and
carves a rune into her hand, which freezes all the demons. Isabelle
remarks she's never seen that rune before and that it isn't in any of
the books. How did- screw it.
They leave, Luke
and his friends staying behind to finish off the demons. Clary splits
off when she sees Valentine and her mother, Isabelle (and simon)
going to close the roof. Jace stops Clary from killing Valentine,
asking her to listen to what he has to say. Valentine tells
Clary his lie, Clary saying Luke told her his brother died in a fire.
Valentine counters with the child's skeleton was something he planted
and that “Jace” is short for Jonathan Christopher, which causes
Clary to break down and cry in Valentine's arms.
But she still
won't give him the Cup, so he gets rough with her. This causes Jace
to attack him and a fight scene breaks out. It's as every bit as
stupid and pointless as you'd expect by now. Just hang in there
folks, we're almost at the finish line. Isabelle (and
simon) can't close the roof as the lever isn't working, but Hodge
arrives to help them. One of the Men in Black attacks, Hodge killing
him and finally closing he hole. I think he sacrifices himself to
allow Isabelle (and simon) to escape from the demons in the room but
it's never made clear or mentioned again, so... yeah.
Valentine is about
to kill Jace when Clary stops him by threatening to throw the Cup
into the portal. He backs down so she gives him the Cup, and kicks
him into the portal 300-style.
THIS!
IS! STUPID! Still not done.
Valentine emerges from the portal and starts dragging Clary in. Jace
gives her his Sonic Screwdriver, and she thrusts it into the portal
which makes it freeze, and then explode because... why wouldn't it?
When Clary and
Jace come too, the room is now covered in snow. She also reveals she
still has the Cup, the one she gave Valentine was a fake she got
from... somewhere. Much earlier when Isabelle was giving Simon the
tour, we were shown a fake Cup on display but there is NO WAY
Isabelle could have known about that unless there's a scene we never
get to see of her getting a tour too. Not to mention how she could
have ran there and back so fast.
We cut to a
hospital where Cersei now rests. The doctors say they're going to
just have to wait out her coma because she has some AWESOME
insurance. That angelic benefits package has no equal. Clary
returns to her wrecked apartment, burning a rune into her arm that
lets her fix up the apartment back to pristine condition. Wow, they
really do have runes for everything. I wish the author had a “Write
Cohesive Story” rune.
Jace arrives a bit
later, wanting Clary to come back with him to the Institute. He says
he doesn't believe what Valentine said about them being brother and
sister, following that up with a “wink wink nudge nudge hint hint
know what I mean?” They get on his motorcycle and take off and THE
MOVIE IS OVER! THANK YOU KIND AND BENEVOLENT DEITY!
Cue the credits.
Movies like this
really depress me. People got paid millions of dollars to make this,
from writing to directing to producing to acting. And this is the
result? All that money and time could have been put to such better
ends, but no... let's just throw it in this movie shaped hole and
laugh all the way to the bank. The author of the books,
Cassandra Clare, got her start writing Harry
Potter and Lord
of the Rings fanfiction. She had
nothing to do with the movie's screenplay, but I imagine the movie
used most of the elements from her book, because so much of this
feels like fanfiction.
Heavily borrowing
elements from pre-existing stories with no attempt to put an original
spin on them, gay characters' sexuality needlessly pointed out in
lieu of any kind of character development, random plots thrown in
that go nowhere, and my favourite: the author avatar. A lot of
fanfiction involves an uber cool and perfect character that is the
author inserting him or herself into the story, and Clary being a
ringer for Clare surely can't be a coincidence.
This movie is
TERRIBLE, and the worst kind as it goes from entertainingly bad to
FULL ON bad. You laugh a lot in disbelief over how bad it is and that
someone actually made it, then it sinks in that someone ACTUALLY MADE
THIS. It is way too long and dull, it has no style whatsoever and
every action scene is beyond generic. Most of the story doesn't even
attempt to make sense and the stuff that does is SO predictable
because you've seen it hundreds of times already.
The director's
failure just doesn't stop there, his lack of trying extends to the
actors as well. Admittedly they have to deliver dialogue that would
make Twilight
actors cringe, but EVERY reading is so dead and monotone. I am sick
and tired of the “being detached and aloof while wearing black
makes your characters cool” we've been seeing ever since the
Matrix perfected it. It doesn't work
anymore, especially when you don't have mind blowing action and
special effects to counteract it.
For a movie that
is supposed to introduce us a wondrous world of magic and
supernatural creatures, this looked dreadful. CGI that would have
looked dated ten years ago on top of really cheap looking sets you
kept expecting to fall apart at any second. And yet somehow,
despite all this and bombing in the theaters, a sequel was greenlit.
To add salt to that would, the same director and the same writer are
helming the production. I hate Hollywood.
Avoid at all costs
no matter who you are, because this one is PAINFUL. Let's see how it
scored on the Twilight Meter:
Step
One. Start off with a completely bland boring uninteresting dark
haired young woman who starts off as nothing special. She has to be a
loner who only has one interest/hobby in her life.
Since
Simon is the biggest loser in any movie I've reviewed to date, I'm
not counting him as a friend so this description definitely sums up
Clary to perfection. +1 point for a score of 1/7.
Step
Two. She will have a single male best friend that she only thinks of
“as a friend or like a brother”. He, of course, pines for her
daily to love him like he secretly loves her.
You
fail at life, Simon. +1 point for a score of 2/7.
Step
Three. Have her suddenly become the most important person in the
world through a combination of the supernatural, a hidden talent she
didn't know she had, or an indomitable will.
Check
AND check! +1 point for a score of 3/7.
Step
Four. Make sure she only has one parent, usually a mother but that's
flexible. The other parent is gone either through divorce, death, or
mysteriously vanishing when she was young.
I
swear I had already written the Twilight Meter before I reviewed this
movie. HONEST. +1 point for a score of 4/7.
Step
Five. Throw her into a Love Triangle with two men, one of whom is the
aforementioned best friend she's known her entire life and the other
an enigmatic stranger she instantly prefers. Bonus if the stranger is
introduced saving her life.
We
are batting 1,000 right now! +1 point for a score of 5/7.
Step
Six. Add a villain. The villain isn't important at all so we don't
need any kind of development for him. In fact, the more faceless and
generic he is the better because that's just taking time away from
the Love Triangle.
I'm
counting this because while we did get some background information on
Valentine, none of it really made any sense and didn't add anything
to his “character”. +1 point for a score of 6/7.
Step
Seven. Make sure whatever world changing events going on in the story
are minimized so they can take a backseat to the Love Triangle.
DAMN!
SO CLOSE to a perfect game here. The Love Triangle died out pretty
quickly as Clary never once even considered Simon, because what woman
would? No points awarded for a final score of 6/7.
0:
Congratulations! Your fictional world is so original and creative
it's almost guaranteed it'll get ignored by mainstream audiences!
1 –
2: A very nice breath of fresh air, it was great to see a unique spin
on well worn material.
3
– 4: I feel like I've seen this a million times already, and will
see it a million more.
5
– 6: Seriously, why even bother making this when you should have
just been working on new features for Twilight:
The Tenth Anniversary
Blu-Ray?
7:
You should be expecting a call from Stephenie Meyer's lawyers ANY
minute now.
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