Just pretend the first Saw never
happened and the rest of this gets much, much easier to process.
Jigsaw upped his game to Batman-levels of mind games, anticipation,
and resources, as his efforts went city wide. We also learn he has
an apprentice in the form of Amanda Young, the first survivor of his
traps, who is being groomed to take over when he succumbs to his
rapidly growing cancer. His latest target, Detective Eric Matthews,
failed his test about as hard as possible and is now trapped in the
iconic bathroom to slowly die.
After Saw II, filmmakers Darren
Lynn Bousman, James Wan, and Leigh Whannell were ready to wash their
hands of the franchise and finally move on with their lives. But
then a very sad thing happened: Gregg Hoffman, one of the producers
behind the series, unexpectedly passed away at the very young age of
42. The three agreed to make one last final movie in his name, so
production was begun right away.
The marketing for the film basically
boiled down to “It's Halloween, time for another Saw movie!
Come on, what else are you going to go see?”. That's good and all because I am literally the target audience for that mind set, but it's
just so devoid of any kind of creativity whatsoever. If you need
further proof of this, Lionsgate didn't even bother to screen the
film for critics which is NEVER a good sign. The studio knows it's
not a good movie, so there's no point in everyone else telling them
it sucks.
But none of this mattered because
suckers like me made Saw III the highest grossing film of the
entire series, guaranteeing more and more sequels. Horror fans are
funny that way, we'll pretty much throw money at ANYTHING as long as
someone gets cut up, how else do you explain the Wrong Turn
franchise set to release its SIXTH film later this month? There's still four more movies to go,
so let's dive in head first and see what Jigsaw’s latest game is
with A Ghoul Versus Saw III!
Note: this review is for the Unrated
version of Saw III, not to be confused with the Unrated
Director's Cut. The Director's Cut is generally considered to be
pointless, so Lionsgate seemingly has buried its existence by letting
it go out of print. To my knowledge, it's never even been released
on blu-ray. I'll point out the major differences in this review.
The film opens right where we left off
in Saw II, with Matthews trapped in the bathroom screaming.
Coming to his senses, he finds Gordon's old hacksaw but finds it
useless on his chains. Looking at the good doctor's severed foot he
attempts to recreate that horrific scene but can't bring himself to
start cutting which is pretty damn understandable. Looking some
more, he finds the toilet lid Adam used to kill Zep and starts using
it to CRUSH HIS FOOT. Yowza! Many stomach turning smashes later, he
is able to squeeze his mangled leg through his the cuff around his
leg as the title card rolls.
We join Sergeant Rigg and his SWAT
team as they break into a school by cutting through a metal door,
alerted by a neighbour who heard an explosion inside the building.
They find the remains of a body, Rigg calling Kerry in as this has
Jigsaw written all over it. Another detective on the scene, Mark
Hoffman, tells her the body is not Matthews. Hoffman is played by
Costas Mandylor, an actor with a resume of mostly bit parts until he
landed this role. We flashback what happened to the victim, a man
named Troy. He awakes to find himself sitting in a chair with chains
attached all over his body while Billy the Puppet pops up on a TV and
gives his spiel about how far Troy will go for freedom.
This is the Classroom Trap, the
requirements are Troy has to rip all of the chains implanted in his
body out and walk out the door before a nail bomb goes off. We watch
as he does this in graphic detail for what feels like hours but isn't
fast enough and dies. We see Kerry is carrying a large amount of
guilt over Matthews' disappearance, blaming it all on herself. Rigg
does his best to console her as he wonders how the very sick Jigsaw
is still able to set up such elaborate traps. The answer better be
revealed as magic by the end of this series, or else nothing else is
acceptable.
Kerry posits the theory Jigsaw has
help, as well as pointing out how this trap is different than his
usual modus operandi because of the door that was welded shut,
meaning the trap was never escapable. The camera cuts to Hoffman
several times during all of this, the detective sneering at her
ideas. The scene jumps ahead to later that night as we join Meyer in
her apartment taking a bath, the film actually resorting to a cheap
jump scare as he sees Matthews in the mirror but it turns out to be a
hallucination. No Saw, just... no. Her night continues to get worse as Pig
Mask kidnaps her and she wakes up in the dreaded Angel Trap. This
one has her suspended in the air wearing a vest that is attached to
her ribs by a series of hooks with a beaker of acid hanging right in
front of her. Billy, take it away!
“Hello Kerry, I want to play a game.
Up until now you have spent your life among the dead piecing together
their final moments. You are good at this because you, like them,
are also dead, dead on the inside. You identify more with a cold
corpse than you do with a living human. I believe you want to join
your true family, indeed your only family, in death. The device you
are wearing is hooked into your ribcage and by the time this tape is
finished you will have one minute to find a way out. At the end of
that minute... you should know better than anyone what happens then.
There is a simple key that will unlock the harness, Kerry. It is
right in front of you. All you have to do is reach in and take it,
but do it quickly. The acid will dissolve the key in a matter of
seconds. Make your choice”.
Kerry reaches into the acid, screaming
out as it burns her severely. She manages to get the key and unlock
the vest, but can't pry it off her body. Her attention is diverted
by Amanda watching just off camera, the minute running out and the
vest ripping off most of Kerry's torso. Well goddamn, killing off
the expert on Jigsaw before she got a chance to actually DO anything
wasn't the best decision they could have made in my opinion.
We jump across town (they've never
actually said WHERE these movies take place) to meet Dr. Lynn Denlon,
a doctor at the local hospital. She is played by Bahar Soomkeh, an
actress primarily from the world of television. She's getting ready
to leave for work while her husband Chris tries to talk to her,
telling her he wants a divorce. She just rolls her eyes and leaves.
We can see she's very miserable and detached from her life, evidenced
by whatever pills she's popping. At work she ignores an urgent page
to report to the ER so she can blankly stare at the wall, a nurse
grabbing her and forcing her to do her job. Hmm, I daresay Jigsaw
just found his next vic- oh and there's Pig Mask even before I got a
chance to finish that sentence!
Lynn wakes up in Jigsaw's latest
torture fun house, but simply tied to a wheelchair and not in some
nightmare inducing trap. Amanda is there, wheeling her into another
room to see the man himself. Jigsaw is in considerably worse
condition than last we saw him, bedridden and sucking on an oxygen
mask. Amanda places Jigsaw's medical file on Lynn's lap to read as
Jigsaw tells the doctor he was once a patient of hers. Furthermore,
he wants to (wait for it) play a game!
As Jigsaw does a live
performance of Lynn's shortfalls (retreating into herself while
neglecting her husband and child), Amanda attaches the infamous
Shotgun Collar around Lynn's neck, Jigsaw explaining it's linked to
his heart-rate monitor. I say infamous because if you've played
either of the video games those damn things are the bane of your
existence. If Jigsaw flatlines or if Lynn goes too far out of range,
the shotgun shells on the device will be activated and blow her head
off.
Amanda shows Lynn some nearby monitors,
explaining there's a man about to go through a series of trials. All
Lynn has to do is keep Jigsaw alive long enough for the man to
complete the trials and she'll be free to go, just like that. Excuse
me while I remain dubious. The camera cuts to the man waking up in a
giant wooden crate, finding the trademarked tape player next to him.
“Hello Jeff. Over the past few years
you have become a shell of your former self, consumed with hatred and
vengeance, vengeance against the drunk driver who killed your only
son, vengeance against the killer who, to your surprise and dismay,
was set free after a hasty trial. Today however, it is you who will
be put on trial.
“To escape from where you are you
will have to face a series of tests. You will have to suffer to move
forward through each of them, but with each one you will also have a
chance, a chance to forgive. When you complete the tests, I promise
you, you will will finally come face to face with the man responsible
for the loss of your child. That will be your ultimate test. Can
you forgive him? You better hurry though, in two hours the doors
will lock and this place will become your tomb. This is what you've
been waiting for, Jeff. Let the game begin.”
Jeff kicks his way out of the crate as
he get a brief flashback of his home life, where his hobbies involve
wearing a bathrobe, drinking, and playing with a gun while he
pretends to shoot the man who killed his son Dylan. Healthy! Things
go downhill VERY quickly as we see he also has a young daughter,
Corbett, that he is COMPLETELY neglecting and is borderline abusive
towards. Jeff IS supposed to be the “hero” in this thing right?
Are we sure it wasn't supposed to be Kerry? Because, um, she was
actually likable? No? Damn.
By the way, Jeff is played by Scottish
actor Angus Macfayden who is probably best known for his performance
as Robert the Bruce in the wretchedly overrated movie Braveheart
but in recent times has become
Internet Famous for his role as the villainous Komodo in 1997's
little seen Warriors Of Virtue.
I talk a lot about Jeremy Irons' batshit crazy acting in Dungeons
And Dragons (which I'll finally
review next month, PROMISE!), but Macfayden's scenery chewing in that
movie might actually TOP THAT. It's one of those glorious times an
actor knows he's in under contract to be in a horrible movie and acts
his absolute worse in hopes it'll never get releas- what's that? Why
yes, I am stalling so I don't have to keep watching Saw
III, why do you ask?
Alright
FINE, back to the review. Although I do think we'll have more fun if
I just kept talking about Warriors Of Virtue.
Pig Mask shows up to save us from this Godawful flashback, as it
appears both Jeff and Corbett got captured. Jeff starts making his
way down a hallway, finding a box with a note, a key, and a torn
picture of himself inside it. The note tells him to open the door,
so he does just that and finds himself in a giant freezer, the door
locking shut behind him. Inside there's a naked woman chained up
inside by her wrists, Jeff trying to use his key to free her but it
doesn't fit the locks. He finds another tape player, which informs
him this is his first test.
Jigsaw
introduces the woman as Danica Scott, even though the subtitles think
she's named Denica. It seems she was the only witness to the hit and
run that killed Dylan, but was too scared to say anything. There's a
key behind some pipes in the room that will open the door as well as
her chains, Jigsaw wondering if Jeff has it in him to save her. The
catch quickly presents itself as hoses begin spraying her with water,
ensuring she will soon freeze to death if he doesn't act.
While
this was a very nice try to divert our attention, I'm not biting.
HOW IN THE FUCK DID JIGSAW KNOW ABOUT DANICA? I've complained a lot
already about him knowing things he possibly couldn't, but this takes
the cake. I suppose you could make the case in the last movie he
went through all the files of the people Matthews framed and found
the evidence didn't measure up, but how could he have discovered
Danica was a witness if no record was filed? What, did he happen to
be there that day three years ago and made a note of her license
plate? Did he hack all the traffic cameras in the city to find her?
Did he TRAVEL BACK IN TIME to that fateful day?! I wouldn't put that
past him and his bag of infinite tricks at this point.
“Jigsaw
knows everything, shut up and stop thinking about stuff!”.
Right.
Jeff just stands there watching Danica freeze, yelling at her for
not doing anything. She apologizes but it's too late, the water
turning her into an ice statue. Quick, call
the trolls from Frozen! I guess Jeff did attempt to save her, but it's so half-assed it really doesn't count.
Jeff
grabs the key and leaves the room, finding another box waiting for
him. So that was a fail then? I don't really understand what Jigsaw
was going for with this one, there were no negative consequences for
Jeff since he obviously didn't give a damn about Danica. Sure, maybe
he'll feel guilty down the road but that's not Jigsaw's gimmick at
all. Inside the box is a torn picture of Dylan, a single bullet, and
a message saying “One bullet will end it all”.
We cut
away to the film's B-plot, which involves Lynn prepping to do some
emergency brain surgery on Jigsaw to relive the pressure of the tumor
on his brain. Shawnee Smith SHINES in these scenes as she
relentlessly taunts Lynn while showing how much she truly cares for
her mentor. Smith is BY FAR the only thing in this entire movie
making it even remotely watchable at this point, and that's because
she's a professional damn it!
Continuing
his trek through the factory, Jeff finds himself trapped in another
room with an auto-locking door. Inside this room is a giant vat with
a man tied to the bottom of it, along with the customary tape player.
The message informs us the man in the vat is the judge who gave
Dylan's murderer a light sentence, and it's up to Jeff to free him
with a key. The key is hidden in a collection of stuffed animals
belonging to Dylan, the only way the key can be found in time is to
push a button that'll incinerate them away. The theme here is Dylan
has held onto the stuffed animals far too long and needs to learn to
let go.
So why
is time short? WELL, above the vat is a series of mechanized hooks
that are dropping pig corpses into a grinder that turns them into
pulp, the repugnant sludge flooding into the vat and slowly drowning
the judge. Why yes, this is one of the most disgusting things I've
ever seen, thank you for asking! Just like with Danica instead of
springing into action, Jeff stops to yell at the judge for giving
Dylan's killer only six months in prison. We learn the killer's name
is Timothy Young, which had me waiting the rest of the movie to see
if he was related to Amanda. He wasn't, Saw just REALLY sucks at
coming up with names. In the first film you had two Allisons and in
the last there were two Daniels, which has always bugged me for some
reason.
Click here for Part 2!
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