Today I'm going to be doing something a
little unique, reviewing a movie that's going to be part of two
different series: “Harry Potter: Where Are They Now?” and
“Dueling Movies”. 2013's The Bling Ring stars the
massively talented Emma Watson, who of course played Hermione Jean
Granger in all eight Harry Potter movies as well as inspiring
some of the most HORRIFYING fanfiction in the history of the
Internet.
The
Bling Ring was released June 14, 2013, three months after a film
called Spring Breakers. In yet another case of Dueling Movies
(2013 had a lot of them), both films looked to be about a group of
over-privileged white girls committing crime sprees and looking as
fashionable as possible while doing so.
Will Emma Watson finally break the
streak of the actors from Harry Potter FINALLY appearing in a good
movie? And yes, technically this is her SECOND non-Harry Potter movie
as she co-starred in 2012's The Perks Of Being A Wallflower which
got very positive reviews, but that was released in whopping
FOUR theaters nationwide so it was basically a direct to video movie
and the “Where Are They Now?” series is only covering wide
release feature films.
Grab your favourite crowbar and get
ready to break into Paris Hilton's house while you read A Ghoul
Versus The Bling Ring!
The film opens with five teenagers
breaking into a VERY expensive looking house and proceed to loot the
place blind. The opening credits roll while this goes on, one card
informing us the film is based on an article in Vanity Fair
magazine called “The Suspects Wore Louboutins”,
which is probably still
a better idea than a movie being based on a freaking BOARD GAME.
This is actually inspired by a true
story, and from doing some research the film is shockingly loyal to
what actually happened. Between 2008 and 2009, a group of six
teenagers broke into various celebrity houses across Hollywood and
stole over three million dollars worth of goods. And when I say
“broke in” I meant they just went in through an open door or
window because the people they robbed, despite all being
multimillionaire celebrities who should have had security systems up
the wazoo, don't seem all that damn smart. I know, knock me over
with a feather, right?
We get a rolling shot of the beautiful
and expensive homes of Calabasas, California as the film cuts to a
press conference outside a courthouse where Emma Watson talks about
what a learning experience “this” has been for her. Emma is
playing an aspiring actress/model/moron named Nicki Moore, who
represents real life aspiring reality TV star/model/moron named
Alexis Neiers.
We warp back in time to one year
earlier, where Nicki and her adopted sister Sam wake up for their
day. We can tell already their lives are somewhat messed up as we
meet their mom, played by Leslie Mann, who is a free spirited hippie
weirdo who isn't concerned in the slightest that her daughters were
out very late the night before (on a school night, no less) and then
informs the girls it's time for their Adderall. Sadly Mann's
portrayal of Andrea Arlington-Dunn (named Laurie Moore here) is NOT
that far off from the real thing. Most of the characters in the film
sound VERY close to their real life counterparts, which is depressing
on so many levels.
At said school, Marc arrives for his
first day of classes at Indian Hills High School. Marc is based on
Nick Prugo, who was one of the co-founders of the so called Bling
Ring. He briefly chats with Rebecca, one of the young women we saw in
the film's opening, who is actually nice to him. Rebecca is Rachel
Lee, the other co-founder of the Bling Ring and HUGE PROPS to Sofia
Coppola for not whitewashing her and keeping her Asian heritage
intact.
We learn the school they're at is
considered the “dropout school”, as all the kids who go their
were kicked out of their previous school for various transgressions.
Rebecca invites Marc to hang out with her and her friend Chloe after
school. Rebecca and Marc hit it off quite well, as she takes him out
to break into unlocked cars and steal stuff out of them. The film
then jumps back to the present, where Marc is being interviewed by a
woman about his life.
The next day Rebecca talks Marc into
taking her to the house of an acquaintance of his who is out of town
so they can rob it. This young lady is DIRECT! He's rather nervous
about the whole thing, but she makes herself right at home as this
isn't the first time she's done something like this. They find a cash
box full of money and go on a clothes spending spree. Later that
night they pick up Chloe and go to a club, where they meet up with
Nicki and Sam. Kirsten Dunst and Paris Hilton make cameo appearances,
just so we can see how totally blaise the women are about their
world, whereas Marc is pretty impressed to see the celebrities.
Remember this scene for later.
They spend the next five years taking
selfies and drinking and dancing and I don't think this movie is in
ANY kind of hurry to get going at all. Marc walks with Rebecca at
school the next day as he narrates how much he loves her. Right off
the bat this movie is kind of irksome as we have WAY too many
different storytelling methods going on here: flashbacks, time skips,
character interviews, narration... which is the perfect time to bring
up the fact this is a Sophia Coppola movie.
She's a rather polarizing
writer/director, famous for the films The Virgin Suicides, Lost In
Translation, and Marie Antoinette. I often hear her
referred to as the poster child of style over substance, a VERY fair
criticism. Her movies are undeniably gorgeous looking and feature
some of the most innovative camera work I've ever seen, but she
struggles with telling a cohesive story. This movie is a textbook
example of that. I should add Lost In Translation is
EASILY one of my favourite movies of all time, but I have
some issues with her other work.
Marc and Rebecca break into Paris
Hilton's house next, and I'm boooooooooored already. The Bling
Ring drinking game: take a shot every time you hear these lines
of dialogue “Oh my God!”, followed up by “I know, right?”.
Later they recount their adventure to the rest of their friends,
everyone making plans to go back next time Paris is out of town. We
get a brief interview segment with Nicki trying to put the blame on
everyone else when she was the one who was REALLY pushing to rob
Paris' house for the second time.
The five return to Paris's to steal
some more, the entire scene playing out as a commercial for about
fifty different designer brands. To keep from falling asleep, I
looked it up and this REALLY is Paris Hilton's house, which kind of
makes it interesting as the young robbers are making fun of her a
bit. I wonder if she picked up on that? Marc and Rebecca go to the
club to celebrate, where they take selfies and drink and dance. We've
seen this, thank you.
We then get a bizarre first person,
black and white shot of Marc getting high and dancing in his bedroom.
And that's the whole scene. You know, this MIGHT be the most
pointless movie I've ever seen. This scene was actually based on a
video Nick Prugo posted online, but with no setup or context it's
just another annoying break in what can laughingly be called a story.
Marc and Rebecca go back to Paris's for a third time, almost getting
caught by security but then they don't because NOTHING can happen in
this movie. If Sophia Coppola wanted to make a documentary of the
Bling Ring, then she should have made a damn documentary!
As they escape Rebecca stops to break
into some cars, finding a bag of cocaine. Her and Marc snort it and
go for a drive, singing along to numerous songs montage style. And
that's the whole scene. This movie sure makes drugs look fun! Next on
their hit list is Audrina Patridge's house, which they also easily
break into. Good God, doesn't ANYONE have security alarms in
California?! We're treated to ANOTHER new shot, as the entire scene
is filmed in a continuous shot about 100 yards away. The very, VERY
long scene I might add. Don't ever
play the “Take a shot every time you see a way too long shot in a
Sofia Coppola movie” drinking game unless you're also playing the
“Recreating Leaving Las Vegas” drinking game.
Megan Fox's house is up next, Nicki
wisely bringing her 13 year old sister Emily along for this robbery.
We see Emily was brought along because she's small enough to crawl
through the doggie door and let everyone else in. This, combined with
Sam being part of the Bling Ring, seems to be the biggest artistic
liberty Sofia Coppola took with the story. Emily's real life
counterpart Gabby Neiers, along with Tess Taylor-Arlington, seem to
have had no direct part in the Bling Ring. They were caught with some
of the stolen clothes but sounds like they never went on any of the
robberies. They're both based on another Bling Ring member, Diana
Tamayo, who WAS whitewashed out of this movie. Based
off of how absolutely terrible this movie has been so far, I think
she's the only one who came out ahead on this.
Sam finds a gun and spends the next
three hours waving it around and I'm fast forwarding. Rebecca and
Marc drive down a road first person style, Marc asking if he ever
stopped being her friend if she'd rob him. She replies no and
(spoilers!) this is the ONLY scene in the entire movie where
characters talk to each other about anything besides fashion or
celebrities.
I truly don't get what's going on here.
Remember when I asked you to remember how starstruck Marc was when he
was Kirsten Dunst and Paris Hilton at the beginning? See, that was
something a MOVIE would do: introduce a naïve character and slowly
have him get seduced by the thrill of robbery until he's as hardened
as the rest of the Bling Ring. But not this one! It pretty much just
gives up on telling a story after every scene turns into a robbery.
Onto Orlando Bloom's house, which is
the house we saw them robbing at the beginning of the movie. As I
start dozing off the film shifts to police watching security camera
footage of the teenagers, capturing Marc's face on film. A GRIPPING scene of Nicki and Sam
trying on clothes adds nothing to the non-existent plot, so let's see
what Marc's up to. He's selling some Rolexes he stole from Orlando
Bloom's to a shady friend of Chloe's named Ricky who almost looks
like- wait, I think it is. GAVIN
ROSSDALE?!
WOW! There's a guy I forgot existed!
The Bling Ring celebrates at the club, taking more selfies. And
drinking some more. And dancing some more. I no longer believe this
is a movie, just a bunch of music videos they edited together. Case
in point, next scene is them walking down the street in slow motion
to Kanye West's “POWER”.
They go back to Paris' AGAIN, this time
bringing Sam's boyfriend Robbie along. Yep, nothing to see here...
let's move along. Rebecca calls Marc and has him turn on the news,
which is showing a story featuring footage of them breaking into
Audrina Patridge's. She assures Marc everything will be okay as their
faces can't be seen on camera.
Rebecca wants to break into Rachel
Bilson's house next, Chloe asking if she should maybe “chill out”
for awhile. This is, uh, what do you call it... an attempt at that
thing... you know, that thing were characters like interact with each
other through... dialogue to try to set up a plot? I think? Whatever
it is, it's WAY out of place in the Bling Ring. But nah,
Rebecca talks Marc into it by saying he's her best friend and she
really wants some Chanel. They stroll right into Rachel Bilson's,
with scary and dramatic music playing as they loot the house so
something MIGHT actually happen.
Ha hah, NOPE! They get away scot-free
because I guess Sofia Coppola wanted to painstakingly show EVERY
SINGLE DAMN ROBBERY the real Bling Ring did rather than spend that
valuable movie time trying to tell a story. Hey, do you know the origin of the
phrase “scot-free”? Back in Ye Olden Times of England, “scot”
was a tax that everyone in town had to pay. The people who couldn't
pay it, usually the filthy poor, or those who could get out of paying
it, usually the filthy rich, were considered to be “scot-free”.
Sorry, the latest music video was so
boring I had to entertain myself SOMEHOW. So is the next video...
fast forwarding... robbing Lindsay Lohan's house... Next scene is
somewhere new, the airport. Marc is dropping Rebecca off, as she's
going to stay with her dad until things “calm down with her mom”.
What things? You know, it might have been interesting if we saw the
OTHER side of her life, what drives her to compulsively steal like
she does. But nah... that'd just cut into precious advertisement and
music video time.
She kisses Marc on the cheek goodbye,
as he sadly watches her leave. You know, it also might have been
interesting to see Marc express those things, um, feelings towards
her to set up ANY kind of characterization whatsoever. In the
beginning he narrated he loved her, but we've never seen a single
frame of film to support that. In real life they weren't lovers as
Nick Prugo is gay, which the movie LAZILY maybe kinda sorta tries to
hint at but does so in such a poor fashion every scene you're left
wondering why Marc doesn't kiss Rebecca.
A news report links all of the recent
robberies together, calling them the “Hollywood Hills burglaries”.
Over more security footage of the Bling Ring, narration from a
fellow classmate of theirs gives them up to the police. The LAPD then
goes to arrest everyone except for Sam, who never actually showed up
on any of the cameras. Marc confesses everything to the police, who
dispatch a unit to Nevada to arrest Rebecca. Rebecca denies
everything at first, but when the cops find her bedroom full of
stolen goods she asks if she can just return everything and be
forgiven.
Vanity Fair comes to Nicki's house to
interview her for a long rambling interview that actually kept me
interested because Nicki had her lawyers present to keep her from
saying anything stupid (they fail), but one of the lawyers looked so
familiar it was driving me crazy. I finally figured out she was Erin
Daniels, who featured in a Season 1 episode of Dexter
playing Rita's bitchy next door neighbour with the abused dog. This
information brought to you by Count Van Ghoul, who watches far FAR
too many DVDs.
The Moore family head to court, Nicki
giving her speech outside the courthouse and we've come full circle
to where we started. Everyone else shows up and the sentencing
begins. Rebecca and Marc are sentenced to four years in prison,
whereas everyone else gets sentenced to one year in county jail. We
follow Marc, clad in his orange jumpsuit, as he boards the bus for
prison and looks sadly out the window. Don't be sad friend, you are
FREE of this piece of shit movie!
We cut to later with Nicki on some talk
show where she talks about her experiences in jail. Why is Nicki
suddenly the focus of this movie when the first half was pretty much
about Rebecca? I mean, maybe if we had a NARRATIVE of some sort to
establish ANY kind of characterization here maybe this wouldn't feel
so abrupt- wait hold on, I was ranting for so long the movie ended.
Let me rewind it a bit... okay, Nicki babbles on forever and tells us
to check out her website at www.NickiMooreForever.com.
Cue the credits.
THAT'S the ending? Oh... kay?
Let's check out that website, maybe there's like an actual ending
there. Hmm... just worthless press for the movie. I honestly don't
know why I was expecting to find an ending, because that would have
made no sense for a 90 minute collage of music videos and fashion ads
to have closure. That would have required a “story”.
When I decided to do this “Harry
Potter: Where Are They Now?” series, I had no idea how similar
these movies were going to be. The Apparition and The Woman
In Black were identical in that they were boring jump scarefests,
and now The Woman In Black and The Bling Ring are
identical in the fact they got very positive reviews and I DON'T GET
HOW!
The thing is I can't even say this is
one of the worst movies I've ever seen, because this LITERALLY isn't
a movie. Have you ever seen a critically acclaimed movie that is flat
out incomprehensible, but you figure it's just too smart for you?
This is not that movie. Have you ever seen a critically acclaimed
movie that is BEYOND stupid to you, and you figure the only reason
people are raving about it is so they look smart?
THIS is that movie. All the characters are completely flat and one dimensional who only care about fame and designer labels, so obviously that's a METAPHOR for today's youth and culture therefore it's BRILLIANT! Right?! Geez, you could almost say this is a spiritual successor to Showgirls in that aspect.
Actually yeah, that's what we're going
to go with. This is a stealth sequel to Showgirls, and may God
have mercy on all of our souls that something that atrocious has
happened in cinema again. I'd almost give it a recommendation just so
you can see how much of a non-movie this is and so you can be FLOORED
by the terrible decisions Sofia Coppola made in telling this “story”,
but morbid curiosity is a terrible reason to watch any movie.
So how did Emma Watson do in this
movie? You might have noticed I didn't mention the acting in my
review of the movie, and that's because there really wasn't any.
The actors weren't bad per se, but they were given NOTHING to say or
do so had to rely on their screen presence, which admittedly was
pretty passable. I want to single out Rachel's actress Katie
Chang in particular, she has a VERY natural chemistry about her and I
really hope she gets cast in a good movie someday.
The critics loved Emma's
performance, and I must say I'm jealous they obviously got a
different version of the movie than the one Lionsgate put out on home
video. She's good as a spoiled rotten airhead I suppose, but it's not
like she did ANYTHING besides sound like every teenage girl you see
on reality TV prattling about how unfair her vapid life is.
So far this series has been a
tremendous disappointment, three movies and each one keeps being
worse than the previous one. Stay tuned to see how the Bling Ring
fares against Spring Breakers in the second half of Dueling
Movies!
No comments:
Post a Comment